[A/N: I know, I know, it's been a while. And that's an understatement. But I am back now, from my ill-fated romantic adventures and subsequent bereavement. This is my excuse, poorly disgused as an update. Enjoy. Or don't.]

Disclaimer: Don't know (wish I did), don't own (really wish I did), and please, for the love of all you think is holy, don't sue. I especially do not own the phrase "roaring rampage of revenge" which belongs to the magnificent Quentin Tarantino. My friend's cousin works at a bar, and once met Quentin Tarantino. In fact, she got drunk with him. If only I were so lucky.

In Which Your Dear Author Makes An Excuse

(Meanwhile, back in the pie shop/murdering emporium, Your Dear Author is sitting in the kitchen, being interrogated by Mrs. Lovett about the nature of her sudden and lengthy absence.)

Mrs. Lovett: (angrily) Where the frick have you been, lady? It's been almost two months, and we've just been sitting here waiting for you to decide in what strange direction our lives will go next! Toby's been driving me nuts about the auditions, Sweeney still is disinclined to acquiesce my requests for sexy times, and no one has taught the Beadle English yet…you better have a really good explanation for all this.

(She takes a swig out of a nearby bottle of gin. Your Dear Author looks heavenward in secondhand embarrassment.)

Your Dear Author: (somewhat sheepishly) Yeah. I know. Um…well…I'm really sorry about that.

Mrs. Lovett: Yeah…you better be.

Your Dear Author: Wanna hear the story?

Mrs. Lovett: Did you get some sexy times for yourself?

Your Dear Author: Er. Well. Sorta? Anyway. I met this guy. And he was really cute, and nice, and super nerdy so he understood 90 percent of what I was talking about, which is really rare. So we were talking, and texting, and everything was all great and whatever. But what I didn't know was –

Mrs. Lovett: (interrupting) HE WAS GAY?!

Your Dear Author: Nope. That happened last year. I didn't know that he had severe mental problems.

Mrs. Lovett: HE WAS A SERIAL KILLER?!

Your Dear Author: Nope. That's your life.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, come on. He totally was a serial killer. I know your type. And you assisted him in having a roaring rampage of revenge, and then you danced around near the bodies, and he pushed you into the fire...I mean, asked you to marry him...

Your Dear Author: No. I assisted him in making him somewhat happy. For like three days. But then his ex-girlfriend started saying a bunch of dumb shit, and he kind of went crazy. Like a big crazy thing that's all…crazy. But before that we made out for three hours and I was all "Whee! Perhaps at last I will not die a virgin!" But that's too much information. Anyway, after he went crazy, he decided that the best thing to do would be to shuffle off this mortal coil, and so instead of going to his graduation party I ended up going to his funeral.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh. My. God. You need like, tea, and gin, and food not made from human flesh, and maybe also some opium…

Your Dear Author: No. Wait. It gets worse. Three days later, guess what my computer does? It crashes. Guess who has two thumbs and didn't back up any of her files? This bitch. Guess who lost everything? Yep. I did. And now I have to put 3000 songs back on my computer. Not to mention all the other stuff.

Mrs. Lovett: (gives Your Dear Author a very uncharacteristic hug) Please tell me it doesn't get worse.

Your Dear Author: Oh, yeah. Then my friend's dad and my other friend's older brother died in the space of a week…

(Mrs. Lovett has no words by this point, and merely shoves the bottle of gin and a tray of cupcakes in Your Dear Author's direction.)

Your Dear Author: So, to summarize: shit's been crazy.

(Just then, Toby comes in dressed in a full-on mermaid costume, complete with drag queen makeup.)

Toby: Yay, author lady! I can finally go to my auditions now. (glances at the bottle in Your Dear Author's hand) Not-yay, author lady! You're stealing all my gin!

Your Dear Author: (somewhat snarkily) Good to see nothing's changed.

So, in two months, I lost my boyfriend, my friends lost family members, and I didn't watch Lost. Good news is, with great sadness also comes great comedy, or something like that, so expect your usual Spoofy Todd programming to return soon, but better, and maybe even with banana flavoring. But I'm not promising anything...