Chapter 14

New Years Eve had come and gone as snow continued to fall all over the city. A blanket of white covered Manhattan as the stars sparkled in the night sky above. Dressed in a warm winter coat and a black scarf around her neck, Blair walked through Central Park with her arms wrapped around herself. As she strolled forward, she caught site of young children ice skating on the frozen pond while their parents watched from the sidelines, wide grins on all their faces. As she continued walking, she stopped when she saw a young couple throwing snowballs at one another. A single tear formed in her eye as she watched the boy chase his girlfriend before they both tripped and fell into a pit of snow. Their happiness was apparent through their laughter and smiles as the boy leaned down and softly kissed the girl. Letting out a deep sigh, Blair forced herself to look away and continued walking until she reached the end of the park and stepped onto the sidewalk.

Lovers, friends and families walked hand in hand, the cold not seeming to bother them as they moved around with smiles on their faces. Stopping abruptly, Blair turned to see her own reflection in the window of a boutique. Her eyes were tired and her figure seemed worn out. It had been three weeks since she had woken up to find Chuck's note and she hadn't heard a single word from him since then. Lilly had refused to have the funeral until Chuck had returned and she had even hired a private investigator to track him down. But three weeks had passed and no one had heard a word.

Blair had called him repeatedly the first week, averaging about twenty calls a day. But her calls became more infrequent as time passed. Her heart still yearned for him and she cried herself to sleep every night, but she was beginning to think that he would never come back. The thought that her love for him was not enough to stop him from leaving broke her heart even more. Why was she never enough?

Sighing, Blair closed her eyes and remembered the feeling of his arms around her that night in her bedroom before he disappeared. She had gone upstairs to find him in a broken mess, crying and waiting for her. They had slept together that night and perhaps for the first time in the history of their relationship, they had made love rather than have sex. When he fell asleep in her arms, a part of her never wanted to let him go, afraid that he would drown in his own misery if she did. But she had fallen asleep and he had left her all the same with nothing but a note asking her not to look for him and that she deserved better.

Opening her eyes, Blair exhaled a breath she didn't realize she had been holding before heading back down the crowded street. She envied the happy faces that passed her by as the soft snowflakes continued to fall from the sky. A part of her hated him for leaving and hurting her again. But another part, a bigger part, wanted him home so she could hold him and take away all his pain. Thinking back on the past year, a small smile covered her face for the first time in weeks. Her love for Nate was so different from her love for Chuck. It didn't even compare and this realization that she had come upon months ago continued to scare Blair. She was only eighteen and she wasn't supposed to have such strong feelings for someone at this age. But her body ached for his touch and her heart sang his name every morning when she woke and every night when she slept. What she felt was real, really real.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't realize her phone was vibrating in her purse until the third ring. Pulling it out reluctantly, she flipped it open and let out a sigh.

"Serena, I'm not in the mood to talk right now…," she began, but her friend cut her off almost immediately.

"Blair, he's back," she exclaimed.

Blair was speechless for a brief moment, allowing the words to sink in before speaking.

"When? Where? Why? How?" she asked as Serena laughed softly.

"Sweetie, I don't know much but the private investigator my mom hired found him overseas and brought him back," she explained.

"Well, where is he? Is he alright?" Blair asked worriedly.

"I think he's at the Palace right now," Serena said and sighed.

"What?" Blair asked, realizing her friend's change in tone.

"Blair, when the P.I guy found him, Chuck was…," Serena began but her sentence trailed off.

"What?" Blair demanded angrily.

"He was high," Serena replied. "I don't know much, but I'm guessing he really did a number to himself these past three weeks."

Realizing that her friend had more to say, Blair took a deep breath.

"What else, Serena?" she asked tentatively.

"Blair, I don't…," she began but Blair cut her off.

"I've been walking around these stupid streets for I don't know how long worried, hurt and angry," Blair expressed. "You just told me that he's back and he's safe so whatever you have to say won't matter much. Just say it."

After a short pause, Serna spoke into the phone. "He was unconscious when the P.I found him. He overdosed on something over there."

Blair shut her eyes for a brief moment to compose herself and when she reopened them, the tears were there.

"Blair, are you okay?" Serena asked worriedly.

"I'm fine," she said firmly, but her friend was able to hear the sadness in her voice. "I guess I'll go see him."

"Blair…," Serena started.

"I'm fine, S," she said, trying her hardest to sound indifferent. "I just want to give him a piece of my mind, that's all. I'll talk to you later."

Before Serena was able to say anything else, Blair had already hung up her phone. Once she had managed to flag a taxi, she climbed inside and gave the address of the Palace Hotel. When she arrived, she hurried into the lobby and towards the exquisite lounge at the very end. She was unsure what she would find and was more than confused about how she was supposed to feel. She was angry at him for leaving and hurting her. She was also angry at him for hurting himself. But the moment her eyes caught hold of him seated at the bar, all of her anger and resentment melted away and nothing but sorrow filled her heart. She was glued to the floor for a full minute before her legs began moving towards him.

Chuck was seated at the bar with an empty glass in front of him. His clothes seemed disheveled, his hair was a mess and he had grown a small stubble around his chin. He had his eyes closed with his forehead resting on the palm of his left hand. His appearance broke her heart despite her best efforts and she sighed before sitting down next to him. When he seemed oblivious to her presence, she placed her hand on his shoulder and gently nudged him. His eyes slowly opened and he blinked a few times to focus on the person who had disturbed him. The first thing she noticed was how bloodshot his eyes were from lack of sleep and God only knew what else. When he realized who was sitting next to him, he sat up and tried to straighten the wrinkles in his clothes.

"Chuck," she said softly, but he focused on the task at hand.

Reaching forward, she placed her hands on his to stop him and the moment their hands touched, he flinched and closed his eyes. His moment of peace ended abruptly when he pulled his hands out of her grasp and signaled the bartender to pour him another drink.

"What do you want?" he finally said, refusing to look at her.

"Where have you been?" she asked, her voice betraying her and revealing how worried she had been.

"All over," he replied, ignoring the hurt he heard in her voice.

"Chuck," Blair said again, but when she realized how distant he was, she sat up in her seat. "What did you take?"

"What?" he asked, surprised by her question.

"When you overdosed, what did you take?" she asked firmly.

"Whatever it was obviously didn't do the job right," he said and let out a soft chuckle.

Blair was surprised by his words and let out a small gasp. Realizing what he had just said, Chuck sighed and rose to his feet.

"I told you everything I wanted to say in my note," he said, still refusing to look her in the eyes. "There's nothing left to say."

With that, he turned and walked out of the lounge as she stared after him incredulously. After he stepped into the elevator, Blair snapped out of her daze and quickly followed him. When he reached his suite, he fumbled with the key card and eventually stepped inside, forgetting to shut the door behind him. He stopped in the middle of the room and looked around himself sadly before closing his eyes. Moments later, Blair stormed into the suite and slammed the door shut behind her.

"You may have nothing more to say, but I'm hardly finished!" she snapped at him, staring at his silent back. "I know you're hurting from losing your father, but I'm here for you. Just like I was there for you that night when you left me. We made love and you ran off and left me with a note! A note, Chuck!"

He kept his back on her and his eyes closed as she continued her rant.

"Do you have any idea how worried I've been? How hurt and angry but more than anything else, worried to death over you?" she exclaimed. "Do you have any idea how it felt, wondering if you were alive or dead in a ditch somewhere? If you were drowning yourself in alcohol or working on an early grave?"

He listened to every word she was shouting at him but refused to face her or open his eyes.

"And then I hear from Serena today that you were back but that the P.I Lilly hired found you unconscious and overdosed in God knows where," she continued, her voice breaking down. "Do you have any idea how much you've hurt me?"

Finally opening his eyes, he turned to face her and what she saw made her stop cold. The only time she had seen him so lost and torn was the night he disappeared but now he seemed worse than before.

"I never wanted to hurt you," he whispered as the tears streamed down his cheeks. "I just felt like I was dying and I didn't want to drag you down with me."

Blair gazed at him in silence as his shoulders slumped over.

"But no matter what I do, they're still gone. They're both gone," he said and shut his eyes, the tears falling freely.

It took her another moment before Blair closed the distance between them and pulled him into her arms. He went without a fight and fell to his knees, taking Blair down with him. She held onto him tightly, rubbing his back with one hand while running her hand through his hair with the other. Chuck was never an emotional person and he hardly ever unmasked his feelings. But the broken boy who was crying in her arms was the complete opposite of the confident and indifferent Chuck she had always known growing up. They simply sat in the middle of the room in silence as she let him take comfort in her embrace.

"Let me help you," she finally whispered in his ear, causing him to lean back and look into her eyes with his tear-stained ones. "Please don't leave again."

They gazed at one another for a long time, neither speaking another word before he leaned in and kissed her. It was short but sweet and when he leaned back, she rose to her feet and brought him with her.

"Come with me," she said, taking his hand and leading him towards the large bathroom.

He followed her wordlessly and once they were inside, she closed the door and turned to face him. She wasn't sure where these maternal instincts were coming from, but she wanted to take care of him more than anything else. The Blair Waldorf who dated Nate was insecure and almost hostile, staking claim to what was hers and destroying anyone who stood in her path. The Blair Waldorf who stood before Chuck now was still insecure and would still devise plans whenever she felt it was necessary to do so, but she was gentler and more mature than before. Gazing at Chuck, she knew it was him and their relationship which helped make her who she was and she was grateful for it. Even though her heart was continuously breaking because of him, she wouldn't change a single thing between them because it brought them to this moment.

His tired eyes bore holes in the back of her skull as she started unbuttoning his shirt. He watched her intensely as she pulled his jacket and shirt off his body before moving for his pants. Once he was standing in only his boxer shorts, Blair removed her own jacket, followed by her shoes, sweater and skirt. Placing them on top of his clothes on the counter, she moved towards the bathtub and turned on the hot water. When the shower began steaming, she took his hand and led him inside the tub. Pulling the shower curtain to stop any water from spreading, she gently pushed his body under the hot water and watched as he closed his eyes and let out a deep breath. They exchanged no words as she leaned forward and embraced him once more, allowing the hot water to cover both their bodies.

She had never felt this way with Nate before, or anyone else for that matter. Despite all the problems they shared and the pain that was yet to be healed in Chuck's heart, Blair took comfort in the closeness that was always evident between them. Even when she was with Nate and Chuck was with one of his many one-nighters, there was something between them that was undeniable. After she had lost her virginity to him in the backseat of his limo last year, Blair had begun to see him differently. Despite their many fights and breakups, she had learned what real love was during the past year and the worry she felt through the last three weeks only sealed her love for him.

Leaning her face up, she placed a soft kiss on his cheek before starting a trail of kisses down his shoulder and neck and eventually his lips. He breathed in her scent and relaxed in her embrace as she leaned back and picked up the soap. She ran the soap over his arms and his chest, washing away the smell of alcohol from his body. When she was done washing him, he opened his eyes from under the shower and pulled her into a deep kiss. She closed her arms around his neck and allowed him to kiss her as he pushed her back into the wall opposite them. The kiss continued for another few seconds before he pulled away and leaned his forehead against hers.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly.

Blair simply nodded, knowing that his apology was heartfelt and brushed a loose strand of hair out of his face.

"I'm sorry too," she said sadly. "For everything."

He nodded and closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against hers once more. They stayed in that position for a long time before shutting off the water and stepping out of the shower. Once they were dry and clothed, she led him to the bedroom and they laid down on his bed in silence. The sound of his heartbeat comforted her as she buried the side of her face on his chest. It wasn't long before he fell asleep and when she was sure that he had, Blair sat up in bed and gazed down at him. Although she had accepted his apology for leaving, a part of her was still afraid that he would leave once more. Leaning down, she placed a soft kiss on his forehead before watching him sleep for the rest of the night.