In-Extremis
to be at the point of death
Holding the hand that holds me down
Someone is clutching his fingers.
It feels as though there's an ocean in his lungs; every breath he takes rasps and gurgles in the back of his throat and he is so hot. His entire chest - inside and out - is a mass of pain, and he feels so heavy. He's dully reminded of how sick he'd gotten after storming Lake Laogai, but this is a thousand times worse. His eyes itch and he can't open them, as though his lids have been glued together, the very air around him oppressive. There's an ache deep in his bones, a throbbing sensation inside his skull.
"Zuko?"
The voice is muted, as though speaking through a door, but he hears it and he struggles to lift his hand. Someone places a wet cloth over his eyes, gently works away the crust that's keeping them shut. When it's lifted he struggles to open them, the room flickering and spinning around him.
"My nephew."
Uncle's voice cracks, and it's so like himself that Zuko smiles, a weak, flickering expression, because somewhere deep inside there's a little bit of him in Uncle Iroh.
But Uncle's head is bowed with shame, tears running down his face, and Zuko swallows dryly.
"I am so, so sorry."
There's a silence, a silence where there aren't any words to bridge the gap, but Zuko searches for them anyway, because Uncle deserves the truth.
"Uncle, it's not your fault."
"I did not listen to you. I dragged you to this place, where you were clearly miserable, and refused to let myself see it. I cut you off from your element. I ignored your apathy, disregarded when you said something was wrong right before Azula caught you. I abandoned you to her, and then I bullied you into making a decision that has cost you everything. No, nephew, let the blame lie where it belongs. This old fool has avoided more than his fair share of retribution."
"Uncle."
He doesn't answer.
"It was what I wanted."
"Why?" he chokes, and Zuko's heart rips into tiny pieces. "Why would you want to throw your life away?"
Tears burn his eyes as he struggles with himself, because push has come to shove and he still can't bring himself to say it. His chest heaves and suddenly he's coughing, the harsh rasp rattling the inside of his head as he chokes up the evidence of his worthlessness.
Uncle pats his back, holds his shoulders. Everything is fading, and he manages to whisper.
"I had nothing to throw away."
Uncle shakes his shoulders gently. "Zuko? Zuko!"
"I . . . love you, Uncle," he rasps, lids growing heavy.
Sleep claims him, exhaustion taking its toll.
I forgive you, forget you, the end
12/06/15
Breaking Benjamin - Without You
This chapter is officially dedicated to this song. Please listen to it. I beg you.
~Evil