The Woods Are Dark and Deep

by Blue Jeans

Chapter 14

I stopped counting the days. Instead, I only remembered that we had gone, hand-in-hand, back to my old home. Kaoru never let go of me and I didn't want him to.

However, when we arrived, Kaoru left me to my own devices. He knew I would want to reacquaint myself with the place. So I walked the fields by myself, the same one that were filled with the flowers from my dreams. Around me they wavered, showing their last bloom before winter. I found that I still loved them and their scent made me smile. I sat quietly, feeling the breeze on my cheeks and watching the sky becoming red.

I was at peace with my decision.

No screams bothered me here, not even the memories.

I weaved two flowered wreathes and went back to Kaoru with a bouquet in my hands. I placed the one I made for him on his head and gently kissed his cheek. "I'm home," I told him with a smile as I pulled back.

Kaoru blinked at me, surprised by my action. He touched his cheek first and then reached up with shaky fingers to caress the wreath on his head. Slowly, afterwards, a flush came over his pale face and for the first time since we reunited I saw him truly smile. "Welcome home, little sister," he said warmly.

It was an awkward smile, as if he had almost forgotten how to do it.

I was wrong then, not so long ago, when I had thought I knew his heart.

At that time, it was I who had not known my own.

I made us dinner in a kitchen covered by ivy. I noted the things that needed changing to make the place livable again, making a list in my mind. When dinner was ready, I went to find my other half, and we sat down quietly, eating and enjoying each other s company.

How strange, I would not have thought this possible but a few days ago. I laughed at the thought and told Kaoru what I was thinking. He smiled a shy, wry smile and I knew it would all work out in the end.

It was going to be alright.

Finally, I was home.

I don't know why I allowed myself to relax into that, even for a second, even if only to savor it. I knew Kazama better now than most, even if I refused to think about him. I had pulled him into this and he would not rest until Kaoru was stopped.

I was sitting outside, looking at the stars with Kaoru after dinner. I hummed a song we used to sing together, swinging my legs in the air. He started to join me as we sipped tea, smiling at each other as our voices mingled. It was easy to forget then that Kaoru wanted to destroy the world, that he wanted to build an army of furies. With the lights in his eyes, it was like we went back in time. Yet, that was when Kazama came for us. Amagiri followed behind, a shadow trailing after his lord. Sen and Kimigiku were nowhere in sight. I was glad, a part of me did not want my friends to see me like this.

Especially not Sen...

But it was a small part of me and I have learned to ignore it.

Kaoru and I rose to watch them near.

"Do you think you can convince him to go?" Kaoru asked me. He wouldn't have if he hadn't been in such a good mood. If he hadn't found himself loving me again I doubt he would have asked me at all. I understood how he felt, because it was easy to love him back, because we were the same, him and I.

I shook my head. "No," I told my brother. "He wouldn't leave us until we're dead."

I guess, at that moment, I knew. Like the Shinsengumi, I was desperate. When Kazama said those words to me months ago, I had been defiant. I had, in fact, been insulted he would call the Shinsengumi's will to do what was right a desire to find a place to die.

But here I was, doing exactly that.

I never had the illusion otherwise, even with the hatred drowning all thoughts and all reason the morning Kaoru found me. I had always known how this story would end. I had known when I had decided to tell Kazama the truth of what I was even though a part of me wanted him to deny it, needed him to tell me otherwise. Yet, he had walked away, as I knew and feared he would. It was easy then to see the course I would take. The dream that came changed nothing. In fact, it made the decision even simpler.

Kaoru drew his katana. It would not serve him here, I knew, but I did not stop him. Instead, I mirrored him and drew my wakizashi. It would serve me even less, but it did not stop me either. I felt the change take over me and I knew then that my eyes were gold and my hair was white. There was no going back, not since Kaoru came for me in my father's study. I just had not known at the time that the future I wanted was already out of reach.

I wondered then how we looked to them. Twin faces with twin expressions. The same two parts of a whole set. In the end, we will always be two sides of the same coin.

I looked to Kazama and saw him glow, pale and bright in the moonlight. My heart clenched at the gold of his eyes and the white of his hair. He was not mine anymore, I told myself over and over, each painful word and not one I could deny. He never was.

He did not move at the sight of our fighting stance. Kazama never did anything that was not at his own pace. Instead, he watched Kaoru, his mouth grim but his stance relaxed and his gaze never turning my way. I wasn't fooled for a second how dangerous he was. Watching him, I realized that I had never seen him avoid me so assiduously, as if I had already died those nights ago when I had broken both our dreams with the truth of my situation. Yes, perhaps to him that was what had happened, and the thought would have made me laugh bitterly if it weren't more likely to make me cry.

I did neither.

Kaoru smiled then at Kazama, fearless and strong. He had not seen, as I had, the clean silver arc of Kazama's blade cutting my father down. "For our dreams," Kaoru promised me then, "I can do anything!" He didn't wait for my reply, his only advantage would be surprise and he launched himself at Kazama. He was so fast that for a moment he seemed to have disappeared before my eyes. Then he was on the other side of the wide field, Kazama's sword blocking his swing with almost a lazy slight of hand. Kaoru never saw me smile at his back. My face must have been so sad that Amagiri could not hide the pity he felt for me as he watched me mirror my brother's move.

Grass flew in the wake of my foot-steps.

Kazama didn't even blink and their swords clashed again and again, sparks flying. I realized then how strong Kaoru truly was. I could not have lasted a second against him. Seeing him fight Kazama seriously, I felt pride at what he could have been if life had only been kinder to the both of us. But his strength, his speed, and his skill would not be enough to save him.

Kazama didn't bother to look my way even as I flew towards them. What was I to him now? I wondered as I neared. A ghost? A lost chance? I was obviously, however, not a threat. Not a future...

In a way, he had always known me better than I knew myself. This time he did not bother to ask me for my permission.

"Where were you?" I heard Kaoru ask in his pain-filled, hating voice. "Where were you when our family was cut down? Where were the other demons then? " His fury and frustration grew until I could no longer follow his attacks or Kazama's parries. Yet, each time Kaoru attacked he was repelled back.

Kazama did not even bother to look affected by those words, much less guilty. With another seemingly lazy swipe, he pushed my brother back again, a move that was harder and fiercer than before. Kaoru slid, leaving a path in his wake as broken pieces of grass flew between Kazama and him. He was so focused on Kazama and the rage he felt, he never realized that I was suddenly behind him.

It was, in the end, not Kazama's sword that felled Kaoru. A dark red stain spread across Kaoru's shirt and he looked down now that he had come to a complete stop. He wobbled a little unsteadily, not quite sure what was going on. Kazama straightened and watched us. I knew he had only blocked Kaoru's attacks because he had known what I had planned. He always knew and he had allowed this to happen the way I needed it to.

"Wh-what?" Kaoru managed to mutter, forgetting for once his rage and his vengeance as his face became young and perplexed. He tried to lift his hand to touch the spreading red stain on his shirt, and then his hand dropped, his heart quivered, and he slumped still.

I stood behind my other half, supporting his weight with my own, letting him rest against the hilt of my wakizashi. The blade had pierced Kaoru in the heart, I had made sure of it. He didn't even have the time to realize what was really going on, only that Kazama's force had pushed him onto something hard and sharp. I wondered if he had enough time to realize it had belonged me and hoped that he hadn't.

Through my kodachi, I had felt his heart shudder to a stop, unable to heal the wound I inflicted.

No, it was not the same as it had been with Kodo who was mad. Who did not love me and wished only to use me. Who was killed by Kazama to spare me this pain.

My brother was truly my missing piece, a part of me. He had truly wanted to protect me, share with me, love me and be loved by me. I had remembered what it had been like to lose everyone else that I had loved, like he had known for all the years that had separated us and more. He had come for me then, unafraid and willing to share again, willing to hold my hand when all I had felt was blackness and loss that blotted out who I was. I had done what I did because I could not bear for him to see my face when I did my duty. I would never want him to feel so betrayed again... not by me. I also could not bear to let anyone else do this thing to the one who looked exactly like I did, who I loved so much... He should not have died by anyone else's hand, least of all by Kazama's. Kazama who had once held this same looking face and had been so gentle should not have such memories tainted by this. I pressed my forehead to a back that might as well have been my own and hid the smile that held no joy, crying my tears so silently as to not make a sound.

Now, I was truly alone.

Kaoru's body slumped against me, gravity pushing his heart against my blade all the deeper as he fell backwards. We slowly tumbled, the two of us, sliding on to the grassy ground beneath our feet.

"Chizuru," Kazama said with such aching softness my name that I could not look at him right away. The breeze was cold against my wet cheeks and my audience stayed silent as he watched me close unseeing eyes. He didn't need to say more. My name sounded warm and comforting when he had uttered it earlier. His voice had been filled with all the things I had no claim to but still wanted so much.

I shook a little at the memory of my name on Kazama's lips, masking it with a laugh. Even now I react to him, I thought despairingly. Bitter could not have described how it must have sounded. "Kaoru was my responsibility," I finally answered without any harshness, when I had finally regained some control over myself. It was as much of a thank you to Kazama as I could manage. I gently held Kaoru to me in my trembling arms, remembering his fading warmth and the boyish look on his face when hatred did not cloud it. The sky was full of stars overhead, bearing witness, but I did not look up to meet their unaffected gazes. After all, not one of them had ever granted me a single wish that I had made for all the things that I wanted.

What does it matter now? I had made my choices knowing what they meant. I had been at peace with the path I chose.

Kazama sheathed his sword and I finally found the will to look at him with my head tilted. His hair was golden again, his eyes red like fire. "I am also a fury, Chikage," I reminded him then, daring him. The pain in my heart gave me false courage but courage nonetheless. "Should you not stamp all of us out in case we lose our way?"

After everything, surely he had not forgotten my tainted blood, but Kazama did nothing more than look at me. His perfect face made each breath I breathed more agonizing than the last. He was so close I could have reached out and touched him, but touch did not mean have and presence did not mean forever.

Finally, I was the one to look away, tightening my grasp and gathering Kaoru close to my broken heart. Two sides of the same coin we had been, all of our lives, even the parts I had forgotten him in. Even now, his face reflected my own. In the end, I had not wanted him to know what I had meant to do from the start. In the end I had wanted him to turn to me in our song and pull me close. I had wanted him to tell me, "This is enough. This is what I had been searching for." I had wanted him to call me little sister with his warm affections and share my forgotten tears. I wanted him to hold my hand tightly so we could both let go of the past, together. But Kaoru had smiled at me instead with his forgotten smile and asked me if Kazama would stop his dreams of vengeance and I had told him the truth. Even then, he didn't deserve the knowledge of my betrayal.

He had suffered enough.

Every dream, I thought, I had watched every dream end in such painful ways.

Amagiri's voice came through then, weary and kind. "I don't think she's a threat," I heard him say to Kazama. So gentle he sounded, I did not know which of us he meant to comfort. But, he was not comforting me. He was cursing me with his compassion by allowing me to live.

Still, I could not help but agree with him silently.

I was never a threat.

Without Kaoru, I was only half a ghost of the past. I was the ghost of all the wrongs done here to the Yukimura clan. Not a vengeful ghost like Kaoru had been, but the sad one that cries at night and can never be happy again.

And you, Kazama, I thought as I looked up once more to meet his unwavering stare. You do not have the strength to kill me.

But it was not an accusation and I did not voice it.

Instead, I smiled up at him, the way I could not before. With my brother growing cold in my arms, I repeated the same words I had said, not so long ago. "I release you from your promise, Chikage." We both knew which promise I meant. This time I did not rush into it with pain or desperation. This time I meant every word of it and I wasn't waiting any longer for him to contradict me. It was all over, long before now. It was over when Kaoru had stabbed me in my father's study, but I did not know it then. It was over when the river reflected my true face back at me, but I could only deny it then. My dreams with Kazama had ended but only now was I able to accept it. I could not change the past no matter how hard I tried or how I wished for it. Stars could not grant me my wishes and Kaoru showed me how twisted I could become if I failed to let it go.

So, unlike the last time, I did not cry.

This time I also did not wait for Kazama to go. Instead, I rose again, and with my demon strength I took with me my brother's dead body. This time I was the one to walk away from what was now only impossible wishes. My feet carried Kaoru and I from that field with the tiny flowers I loved and the demon who held all the unattainable happiness that a promise could not give me.

I never looked back, as Kazama had not done when he had left me those days ago. After all, I was a ghost returning to the place she had already died in long before now. In my arms I carried the remains of the past as an offering. I would bury Kaoru here, where he must have always wanted to be. Here, where all that we had both loved fiercely had been lost, forgotten by one half and remembered bitterly by the other. Here, we have returned, the two of us finally reunited. The world needed no more furies any more than it needed a tainted demon...

Kodo and Kaoru were both dead, joining the people I had loved in my childhood. The Shinsengumi was also dead. Kondou, Inoue, Hijikata... I did not know all the fates of the Shinsengumi captains, but I had lost them all regardless, to the unrelenting tides of time and war. These men who taught me how to be brave and to face the things one must do, despite the costs, was why I had found within myself the will to see my decisions through. There was only me now. I wished then that I had died with them. I wished that so many loved ones had not obligated me to live by protecting me, saving me from what they had thought was the crueler fate.

What difference did it make? In the end, I still could not continue the Yukimura line. In the end, I could not be with my friends who I loved. In the end, I became like this.

After Kazama and Amagiri had quietly departed and after I finally finished digging a grave for Kaoru, I buried him by our old house. When that was done, I built a small fire at its feet and burned my father's notes, watching the ambers and ash float into the sky. I said a little prayer for Kaoru then and left a flowered wreath on his grave before turning in to go back to the house by myself.

I watched the sky began to light from the same place Kaoru and I had sat but hours ago. My eyes watched the last stars fade, until dawn came bright and cool. Not one tear fell and not once did my vision blur. It seemed that I was out of all the childish tears and childish hopes that used to break my heart.

Now I waited, in the quiet, cold morning, with only myself for company. I waited for something that would not come for me for a long time yet. I would wait, in this place I had once called a home, with the singing birds and the wavering grass. I could almost still feel Kaoru's presence, in the half-filled cup sitting next to mine. I could almost faintly hear him in the back of the house, looking for snacks and turning to call for my help...

Here, I had finally found my own place to die.

To be continued...