A/N: Thank you so much for your heartfelt responses. So much loss around us all. *hugs to everyone*

To answer a frequently asked question, the poem I talked about last chapter does exist, but I can't seem to find it. If I find it, I'll post it. Mwah.

It had been three days since the funeral. The haze of grief was beginning to ebb, or at least, thinking beyond the next day was beginning to become a priority again, especially for Bella.

Six months or two months after Esme's death. That was what Edward's contract had stated. Though as she'd pointed out to him, the contract was nothing but a symbol, she intended to honor her half of the bargain. That gave her two and a half months to figure out what she was going to do, seeing as she'd abandoned her old life entirely. Her job at the diner had been filled, her apartment rented out.

Bella had driven with her father to Seattle to take her mother and stepfather to the airport. On the drive back, Charlie asked how married life was going, and Bella didn't know how to answer.

The days since Esme's death had been completely other. She hadn't only glimpsed the boy Edward had once been, she'd lived with him. He'd been sweet and considerate, often stepping beyond his own grief to be kind to her. He'd made her breakfast and dinner more than once. Most of all, when Alice snapped at her yet again two days before, he'd finally put his foot down.

The siblings had argued in hushed tones, so as not to disturb their father. As Jasper had asserted months ago, Alice was most furious at Edward. It was his family to break apart, not Bella's, and it didn't take long before the truth came out as they whisper-shouted at each other.

In the end, though, Bella had watched as Edward had told her how sorry he was until she broke down in his arms, missing their mother, missing their innocence, missing the years they'd lost.

"I'm not going to leave you again, Ali," he'd told her as he rocked her, and he looked like the kind, family-first boy Bella had fallen in love with so many years ago.

When they'd retreated to their room that night, Edward had slumped. He sat on the couch, his head in his hands, overcome by grief and regret.

"I don't know how to put my life back together after so many mistakes," he'd whispered when Bella put her arms around him and pulled him in for a much needed hug.

She'd wondered then if he was leaning on her because he had no one else, or if it was her comfort he truly wanted.

Bella's silence after her father's question was answer enough for him. He sighed. "Look, Bells, I'm a realist. Romantic notions are nice. Romantic notions are why I have you, and that's great, but..."

"But romantic notions only last so long before reality hits you again?" Bella suggested.

"Right. I probably should have said something before I let you walk down the aisle." Charlie shifted, obviously uncomfortable. These kinds of conversations had never been his forte. "Esme was happy, and I thought..."

"You thought what?" Bella prompted, curious now. She had wondered at the time why her typically overprotective father seemed to be so keen for her to marry a man she'd only reconnected with scant weeks before.

Charlie grimaced. "Jacob said he thought you were still in love with Edward even when you were with him. He said he never had a chance."

Bella bristled, gritting her teeth. "Jacob got jealous if another guy's shadow touched mine." She breathed in through her nose and out, trying to soothe her irritation.

"So you're saying you didn't still have feelings for Edward? Even then?"

"I'm saying that's not why I broke up with Jacob."

Charlie drummed the steering wheel nervously. "Leah's finally in her own place. Did I tell you that?"

"No." Leah was Bella's stepsister. She was older than Bella by a few years, but she'd had bad times. She'd been living with Charlie and Sue off and on for several years. "That's good for her."

"And Seth's got his own place off campus."

"What are you saying?"

"Marriage is something you have to work for, and work hard." He paused. "But if you ever need a place to regroup, you always have a home with me."

Bella smiled at her father. It was nice to hear seeing as she had no idea what her life was going to look like in another two months. "Thanks, Dad."

~0~

Five days after his mother's funeral, Edward was exhausted.

The last few months had been a different world. Everyone had put their lives on hold to spend time with Esme. What he was going through now was the inevitable fallout.

His relationship with Alice had to be redefined. They'd been getting along before their mother's death, but without her to keep up appearances for, Alice's resentment was coming out tenfold. She'd sacrificed a lot to be there for her parents because she knew Edward wouldn't be.

So there was Alice's life to figure out. Was she going to graduate school, away from Washington for the first time? Edward didn't want her to, but that was selfish. He was trying to encourage her to do what was right for her and Jasper. It was what Esme would have wanted, but she didn't trust him not to abandon Carlisle.

To that end, Edward still had to figure out what he was going to do about his business. He wasn't going back to New York, he knew that, but there were so many loose ends to tie. He wondered if he could retain power and still live in Washington.

He wondered if he wanted anything to do with his business anymore. Esme had been right - it brought him no happiness. But if not that, what was he supposed to do with the rest of his life?

Then all of that was trumped by just how worried he was about his father. Carlisle's eulogy was the most talking he'd done since his wife's death. He was preternaturally silent, sometimes shuffling into rooms so quietly, Edward didn't even notice. He seemed lost in his own world. He would respond to questions but never more than a few sentences here or there. He only ate a few bites at a time.

Edward retreated to his room, his head too heavy to hold upright. He hoped he'd find Bella there. He craved the stability she offered, the comfort.

He stopped short when he heard Bella's voice. He frowned, wondering who she could be talking to. Jasper, perhaps. He knew they talked. He tried to remind himself he had no right to be jealous about that.

Then, the words she was saying reached him.

"No, that's perfect. I'm not available to start work for a little bit anyway. That timeline would work fine."

A rock seemed to settle in the pit of Edward's stomach.

"That sounds great. I look forward to hearing back from you. Thank you for your consideration."

Edward opened the door, coming in just as she disconnected the call. He thought he saw a guilty look flit across her face before her expression went blank. "Hey."

"You're looking for a job." He tried not to sound accusing, but it didn't work.

"Yeah. I thought it was probably a good idea to start looking now." She stood, crossing her arms.

Edward nodded slowly, trying to bite his tongue. That also didn't work. "Here in Forks?"

"No. There's not much in the way of opportunity here." She studied him, tightening her arms around herself. "You don't have to worry. I remember our agreement. I'll stay the six months, just like we talked about."

"You think that's what I'm worried about?" His tone came out as more of a growl than he'd intended, and he regretted it when Bella took a step back from him.

She swallowed audibly. "If not that, what? What's bothering you?"

Edward opened his mouth, but he quickly discovered he really didn't know. He turned away from her, flipping open his laptop as if he suddenly had urgent business.

"Edward?" She stepped closer to him again. "What's your problem?"

"You're just so ready to take off," he said with a huff, his eyes trained on the computer screen.

"I have to plan ahead." Her tone was patient. "The job market isn't that great. It's probably going to take a while. That's why I'm starting now."

It was sensible, of course. They were all starting over, but no one so much as Bella. Not for the first time, Edward's brilliant plan didn't seem so brilliant anymore, now that he wasn't caught up in the intense desire to make his mother's last days as happy as possible. Esme was gone, and disentangling himself from Bella was going to be far from uncomplicated.

The thought of her leaving made Edward's stomach twist.

He cleared his throat. "Maybe it would be more... prudent for you to stay longer." He kept his tone even though his heart had inexplicably begun to beat frantically.

"Prudent?"

"My father isn't well." He still hadn't looked at her. "I think the stress of our getting a divorce wouldn't be the best thing for him right now."

It was a sensible argument, he felt. She was just as worried as Edward about Carlisle.

Bella didn't answer right away, but she came to sit beside him on the couch. "I can't do that, Edward," she said quietly.

He stopped typing. "You can't do what?"

"I can't put my life on hold forever. I'll see him, of course. I wouldn't abandon him, but-"

"So let me see if I have this correctly." Anger had turned the stone in his gut molten hot, and he raised his head to level a hard look at her. "You would do anything for Jacob Black's father but not for mine?"

Bella's eyes narrowed. "Don't do this, Edward. It's been good these last few days."

"Good? You call what my family has been going through good?" He pushed his laptop away and stood up, pacing away from her.

"You know that's not what I mean. Don't twist this."

"I'm just trying to understand the difference." Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew he was being unreasonable. It was just that he felt an undeniable surge of panic. Over what he couldn't say, but he was overcompensating to cover. "Why would you spend money you'd saved to better your own life to bail an ex out of jail? Did you want him back?"

"Where is this coming from?"

"I just want to know why you would sacrifice for Jacob Black."

"I didn't sacrifice myself for Jacob. I did it because his father had just lost one of his daughters after not seeing her since his wife's death. I did it because that's why Jacob started drinking, and I hoped it was enough to get him to stop, which it was by the way. I did it for the same reason I married you - because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time."

Edward turned away to hide his grimace. There was a strange ache at his chest, and he rubbed at it absently, trying to massage it away.

"If you really want to know, he wanted me back. He begged. That would have been one less stress for Billy, but I'm not going to stay in a bad relationship for someone else. I wouldn't do it then, and I won't do it now. I'm not a masochist."

The rock in Edward's gut had seemingly multiplied. There was a hard lump in his throat making it difficult to breathe or swallow. He breathed in through his nose and out a few times. The anger had faded just as quickly as it had come, leaving him reeling

"We didn't use protection," he finally said, looking back to her.

She blinked. "What?"

"That night. That morning, I suppose. After my mother died. We didn't use protection."

She blanched and wrapped her arms tightly around her again. For long seconds, she didn't speak, and when she did, her voice shook. "I'm well aware of that, believe me."

It wasn't the first time the thought had occurred to him either, but he wasn't going to broach the subject if she wasn't. Until now, apparently. "What if you're pregnant?"

Bella didn't look at him. Her breathing was slightly erratic, and she swallowed several times before she answered. "We'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it. If we come to it."

Edward's heart sank. "You still wouldn't stay?"

Her gaze was somewhat disparaging as she looked back at him. "This isn't the 1800's."

His heart was pounding too fast again, and he grappled for something else to say.

Why? Why did this have him so twisted up in knots? It was inevitable, wasn't it? He'd talked himself into this by reminding himself it was only temporary, only for his mother, and then he would never have to see Bella again. He could put her behind him once and for all.

So why, suddenly, did the thought of her moving on with her life make him want to drop to his knees and beg?

The answer, once he let the question take hold, was simple enough.

He'd been fighting the fact that if he didn't hate her, he had to love her for weeks now. There was quite a difference though in acknowledging you still had feelings for an old flame and asking his wife not to walk away.

He had no right, he knew that. This marriage was only paperwork. They both knew that.

After everything that had passed between them, how could he possibly think she would want to stay?

Still, he had to hear it for himself. He knew he had to do it, as much as he hated it because he knew it was going to break his heart. But then, that final no would make it easier, wouldn't it?

It took him a full minute before he could find his voice. "What if I wanted you to stay?"

She gasped, but she didn't speak. He didn't look at her, he couldn't.

Her whimper was so soft, he thought he might have imagined it. "Edward." His name on her lips was just a breath. "I can't do that."

His heart cracked, but it didn't break.

She sounded unsure, he realized. Her no wasn't so resolute. He swallowed. "We-"

"I love you," she interrupted, and Edward's heart skipped a beat. "Is that what you want to hear?" Pushing herself to her feet, she began to pace. "I never stopped loving you. I've tried so hard not to feel it, but it's here. It's part of me."

She took a deep breath, pausing to look at him. "But how could it possibly work? Even if you can forgive me for what I did to you, you're going to resent me for not being that teenage girl." She began to pace again, ticking off a list on her fingers. "I'm not her, not anymore. I don't want to be a scientist anymore. I want different things out of my life. I don't think like her. I... I grew up, Edward."

Edward was stunned silent at that point, bewildered. He wasn't sure how to process what she was saying. He wasn't sure what he wanted or how he should feel.

Not that it mattered, Bella wasn't done yet. She sat down heavily on the couch, wringing her hands in her lap. "And honestly... as much as I love you, Edward, I don't know you anymore than you know me at this point." When she looked at him, her eyes were sad. "The boy I knew? If you had told me that boy would say the things you've said to me, I would have laughed. I would have gladly bet my life that you would never treat me like that."

His heart was beating too fast, and his head was spinning. He bowed his head, rubbing his his temples. "The boy I was wouldn't have let anyone treat you the way I've treated you," he admitted to his hands. "I'm sorry. Really, I am."

She stood and came to sit beside him on the bed. Taking his hands, she threaded their fingers together. "You're still angry at me." It wasn't a question.

"I'm not-"

"Yes," she said firmly. "You are. We've been getting along so well, and it took absolutely nothing for you to lash out at me just now."

Edward bowed his head again, unable to argue with that. "I'm sorry," he said again.

When she framed his face in her hands, he started but didn't pull away. "Look at me," she said quietly.

He looked up feeling far more vulnerable than he was comfortable with. His heart was racing, and his throat was tight.

"I'm sorry." Bella looked directly into his eyes. "I am so sorry for what I did to you. It was cruel and immature and it will always be the biggest regret of my life."

Edward closed his eyes, embarrassed because he suddenly felt very certain he was about to cry. He lifted his hands, pressing them against hers to his cheeks, and just breathed in and out for a few minutes. Then he shifted, wrapping his arms around her and holding her tightly to him. When she slipped her arms around him, hugging him back just as tightly, the vice grip around his lungs loosened just a little bit.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled against her hair. "I'm sorry I believed you. I'm sorry I let you go so easily. That will always be the biggest regret of my life." That was a realization that hit him like a brick to the chest. He'd always thought his biggest regret was trusting her in the first place, but he realized right then just how responsible he was for his own misery.

He kissed her cheek quickly before disentangling himself.

"I, um..." He stumbled, suddenly needing to be somewhere else because his thoughts were screaming again. "I came upstairs to tell you I'm going to New York for a couple of days. I need to talk to my partner, and..." He waved his hand because it really wasn't important. "I think I'll sleep in the guest room tonight though."

Bella nodded slowly, looking sad and uncertain. "Okay."

Edward hesitated. There was so much he wanted to say, so much he wanted to ask, but he knew he had to think first. There was a lot he'd been putting off working out in his own head.

He turned around, but before he could walk away, she grabbed his hand. "Edward."

He stilled and turned back to her.

The air around them was heavily with everything they weren't saying.

Bella blew out a breath. "I'll be here, okay? If you need me."

Raising his hand, he brushed the tips of his fingers down her cheek. "I know," he said quietly.

Then he headed out the door to the solitude of the guest room.

A/N: Thanks so much to barburella and songster for their help this chapter.

Sooooo. Thoughts?