AN: Ok hope you all like this chapter. It took me a while to write and I actually cried writing, it. I'm not really sure why though I've written much sadder and not cried, but I think the way I wrote Dean in this chap so desperate made me a little upset. I also like never write in all caps but i thought i needed to emphasize (cant spell that stupid word!) that they're screaming at eachother. Hope you like : )

…BUT I CAN'T CHOOSE

-DEAN POV-

Say it.

That's right. Say it.

You've thought it now repeat it. Un-lease your voice. Un-cap your pen. Announce it. Muse it. Say it.

Say I'm an idiot.

Say I'm a fucking goddamn fool. A jerk. An ass. I'm the villain in this story.

Wait scratch that, that's the witch.

I'm the idiotic idiot. The one that ends up screwing everything up. I'm the one who takes two steps when they should only take one. I'm the guy that goes too far. I'm the jerk who cuffed his brother to the toilet. The one who tried so hard to save him only to fail. I'm the failure in this story, I Midas well be the murder too.

Because you see, I've done research and I know that if my brother doesn't kill someone, he's going to end up destroying himself. If he has the chance he's going to kill himself, once he's turned, his mind is going to be so set on killing. So set on the power that comes with murder it won't matter to him if he's the one who's killed.

He'll use his bare hands. He'll rip off his skin, tear out his heart. Goddamn Internet. You go to it wanting answers but are never happy with the ones it gives you.

So yeah, I'd call myself the murder.

Cuz if I can't save my brother I'm putting the gun to his head. This ritual not working is me ripping off his skin. Time running out is me tearing out his beating heart. God, someone stop me. Some one stop me from failing.

But there's still time I tell the bed as I face it. By the way, I'm currently at the part when I freak on the book and table, like it's their fucking fault. I'm at the part where I throw my body into the wall and crumble to the floor. I'm at the part when I fail.

But I have some optimism left. There's still time. We don't know how much, but I doubt it's coming soon. This stuff works in years, maybe months? Definitely not this soon though.

This is the part where I realize I still have a brother handcuffed to the toilet. The part where I realize I'm still being an ass whole, I'm still doing my big brother job all wrong.

So I reach the part where I run to the bathroom and throw the door open. I'm still not completely under control. This is unacceptable. I can't be showing my real emotions. Stop breathing, Dean. Dry those stupid tears, Dean. Be perfect, Dean. Do everything right and do it now, Dean.

Now as I'm standing here I can't even undo his gag. All I can do is undo his cuffs, leaving him to handle the rest. I don't look him in the eyes I just slowly exit and he follows behind me. Now were back in this motel room. This trashed room that makes me sick. This room that is the home base of our world coming to an end. It's all going down here.

"I'm sorry."

And for the first time in a long time I think Sam's saying what he really means. For the first time in these past few days Sam is telling the truth. He's sorry the ritual didn't work. He's sorry that I've failed. Something deep down in me wants to tell him no. No Sam don't be sorry, don't ever be sorry. But I can't really do anything but think about my failure now.

I nod my way through this, trying my best to put it safely in the past. But as I begin to clean up the mess I've made I realize I don't know what to do now. I searched forever, looked at every website I could to find this ritual. While we were working on the hunt before we had no idea how to get this witch either and were close to calling in friends for help. The witch had no clear patterns for her victims. The other people she cursed all had different things. One was drowned in money. The other eaten by bugs. What ever their worst nightmare of most desired dream was she somehow found a way to flip it around and make it come true. She came to who ever, so we weren't sure where she would strike next. It was all a big guessing game until Sam got involved.

Say it, Dean. Say it now. Tell Sam your lost. Tell him you don't know what to do, "Sam we should get back to work."

Tell him, Dean. Tell him you can't believe it didn't work. Tell him your heart broken. Tell him you're close to loosing it. Tell him you need him, "It's no big deal. We'll find something else. It's not like your gonna turn tomorrow."

And that was the part where I lie.

I see Sam flinch or something go off in his head. Some red alarm and quickly ask, "What?"

Sam looks at me with the face I know. It's the lying face, "What?" he mimics.

That was the part where Sam lies.

I walk over to the bed and stand right in front of him before saying, "Sam if you know anything else right now we be a pretty good time to tell me."

"There's nothing!" Sam yells. I stare him down and Sam doesn't flinch. He stays strong this time and holds his ground. And there I go again believing him.

He continues with, "I don't know when it's gonna happen. I don't know what I'm gonna end up doing. I don't know what I'll do if there's no one around to kill. I just don't know."

And me? I could have flinched then too. I could have took in a high-pitched breath when he said he doesn't know what's gonna happen if there's no one around to kill. But I find my shove-everything-in-the-closet-hide-it-under-the-bed mode and do nothing. Anyways, it's better if he doesn't know.

He stays quiet for a while. He's not cleaning like I am. He's not researching like I will be. He's just sitting staring blankly at the wall like he's been for the past few days. He's thinking, obviously. He's worried – again obviously. And I'm surprised when he jumps out with a question I would only think to here from him if he was desperate.

"What if you can't strop me from changing?"

No, no, no Sammy. You can't ask me that question. You can't expect me to give you an answer for that. Because I'll say it's not gonna happen and you'll just say what if it does. And I'll keep trying to forget it but you won't let it go and we'll go on and on until you make me promise to kill you. Or lock you away. Or hurt you or something I will never do. Something no one not even you can ask of me.

Sure enough that's how it goes.

"Not gonna happen Sammy."

"But what if it does?"

"It's not."

"But, Dean-"

"NO!"

"Dean you can't just push this aside, we have to have realistic expectations we have to know what we're going to do if-"

"What are you a shrink? A doctor? A lawyer? No. You were a college student. You have a brain. You have a better one than mine so figure it out."

Wow. Harsh.

"I can't believe you're doing this, Dean."

"Yeah? Well I can. Because if it's the last thing I'm gonna do, I'm gonna make sure nothing happens to you. I'm gonna make sure I stop it before it comes to the point where we even have to think about what we're gonna do, ok?"

That was a mouth full.

"Dean, don't put that much hope in this if we're not even-"

"You may not be sure, BUT I AM!"

There I go again shaking the earth. Moving the goddamn tectonic plates. Rattling. Stuck goddamn plates to the earth and turned the machine up all the way. Threw everyone's hearing out the window. Particularly my own.

"Please, Dean. You have to tell me you won't let me be a killer. You have to promise-"

"This again? You're not drunk this time Sam."

"Yeah I'm not. I'm thinking clearly. And I still know that if I turn into a monster… you have to kill me."

"Sam. I. Will. Not. Kill. You."

"Well whether you like it or not you're probably going to have to. So-"

"I'M NOT GONNA HAVE TO DO ANTHING!"

"YES. YOU. ARE!"

I'm taking deep breaths now and Sam and I are just glaring at each other. I say nothing because anything I had to say would be something I've already said. So when Sam talks I have no choice but to listen to his fucked up psychology.

"Dammit, Dean. You're so selfish. You're so fucking selfish-"

"ME? You're calling me the selfish one? You're the one asking me to kill you! You're the one asking me to be left here all on my fucking own with that guilt."

"But, Dean. I can't let myself hurt people or god Dean, you. I can't I just-"

"Sam, if you change, which is never gonna happen, than I will lock you in the fucking Impala while I hunt the bitch down if I have to look in every corner of this entire country.

"Dean… I can't live like that. You'd really consider locking me away while you tried to figure something out? What if I got loose and hurt you or someone? Huh?"

"God Sam, you really must not trust me if you think I'd let it get to that point. You really think I'd kill you off Sam? Who else am I gonna have as a hunting partner?"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the part where I was sweet and kind and a good big brother. That was the part when I tried to make Sam laugh.

"Find a new partner."

This is me. Being in shock.

"What?"

"I said find a new partner. Because I won't jeopardize your safety. What if go down as a murderer. What if-"

"WHAT IF… What if we didn't have this conversation, huh? Because if I have to tattoo it to your arm or shave it into your hair or dig it into your brain… I'm gonna make you realize you are not going to turn evil. End. Of. Story."

There was a long pause and we both just sort of stared at the floor

"Dean if you don't do it I'm going to do it myself… But if it gets to the point where I can't… control it… You have to."

That was the part where I wanted to throw my brother against a wall.

"SAM!"

"No. You don't have to promise, you don't have to say yes. You just have to know it. And I know you do. I trust you."

I'm left with Sam's final words. His eerie words that almost seem like goodbye… Like he's whispering his farewell to me in a reassurance. In a promise. In a simple meaningless phrase people use everyday. He says 'I trust you.' But he means goodbye.

But why?

Goodbye to what? To consciousness? To awake? Because after that he lies down and falls asleep. To helping me? To hope? All of the above? And by the way I wish I couldn't read my brother so well.

I also with I didn't read him so poorly.

Sam's on the borderline between asleep and awake. And that's when I decide to open my mouth. That's when I decide to keep him awake forever.

"You shouldn't trust me then, Sam. Because I'm not gonna do it. If you want it so bad, do it yourself."

Now who is that sick fuck who said something with that much poison, that much betrayal to their own brother. Who just broke rule number one? Who just pulled the trigger and ripped the skin. Who just torn out their own brother's heart, threw it on the ground and then flattened it with their boot? Who just-

Never mind.

It was me.

That's me telling my brother he shouldn't trust me. It was me, me of all people telling my brother to commit suicide. My mouth can't belong to me. That brain isn't mine. I'm possessed! I'm a shape shifter! Get that witch because she's cursed me too!

I talk and talk about how I know when my brother this, or I know when my brother that. But now? I have no idea how my brother will react to what I just said.

Take it back, Dean. Take it the fuck back.

And I know what you all must be saying now, all must be thinking.

No, the great Dean Winchester would never say that. Those desperate almost hopeless words would never roll from his tongue. Dean could never be that fed up with his brother's pleading. Dean would never just give up on his brother's life. But guess what people? Dean just did.

Take it back, Dean. Take it the fuck back.

This is the part where I see Sam rustle in his sheets, his breaths heavier, almost scared. He rolls from his side and sits in the bed, his face a little wet with tears. He smiles a little, like his greatest dream has come true. His dream that I, Dean, would just let him end himself. Let him save the people he would hurt if he didn't. He nods. He sniffles. He wipes a few tears from his face and quickly lies down about to fall to sleep.

And that was the part when I hear a few chocking sobs wrack my brother and all I want to do is die.

"No, I didn't…" my voice is raspy and sore from yelling. My head is spinning from disbelief. I'm here in a body that can't be mine. I'm here with a brother I've given up on.

So when I found out about all this I jumped to action. I egged by brother on. I did work. Every time he managed to fall apart I found a way to jump back, push my own fears aside and put him back together. But this time… It's not like Sam's fallen apart. It's like our last option has fallen apart. Sure we'll sit here and research. We'll try other things but the likely hood of anything working is slim. It's none.

I see Sam's asleep and can't here me telling him I didn't mean it. I can't wake him. I can't because that would involve saying his name and I can't do that right now. I can't wake him because that could involve touching him. I don't deserve to touch him right now.

I deserve to stay awake all night and watch him. I deserve to suffer from lack of energy and the second he's awake I'll tell him I didn't mean it. I'll make sure he knows I was just frustrated with myself. I'll tell him all these things and all I hope is that he listens.

So there you have it folks, the big climactic moment. The slight and not too drastic turn of events.

And just for the record, you know, in case anyone was wondering.

That last thing? The last thing I said?

That was the part when I said goodbye.

A/N: Ok hope you liked it i'm guessing like 20 chapters? 19? 18? Not sure yet we'll see where it goes. Let me know what you would like to see happen in the story because usually when i hear what people want to read i seriously take it into accont. I have this obsession with making everyone happy hehe luv u guys and thanks soo much for reading and (possibly! pretty! pretty! please!) reviewing.