Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.

Not Without You

Chapter 14: Hope

Emmett was himself again, taking every opportunity to corner people into mind-wrestles, which for once was a welcome trait. Rosalie allowed herself to smile more often, even if she wasn't completely her old self. Finally, we were all together as a group, without strain, and that was the best feeling. And now, if any couple was kissing and touching more than Edward and I were, it was Rosalie and Emmett. Emmett could not stop touching her-- it was as though he was afraid she'd float away if he wasn't holding some part of her. He'd experienced that already.

Right after Rosalie's breakdown, Emmett and Rosalie had spent a few days away from the rest of us. And since they were on winter break from school, they'd had entire days and nights to spend together.

While everyone else had time off from studies, I dove into mine. Edward being home throughout the day to watch Masen left me with more time for schoolwork and, like it or not, I had to take advantage of it. After a week spent with my nose in books or my fingers typing out papers on Carlisle's desktop, I agreed to take a break tonight-- we were having dinner at Jasper's.

Alice was playing Christmas carol after Christmas carol on Jasper's stereo, while she hung garlands along the walls. Even standing on the chair, she wasn't very tall, so the garland wasn't much higher than Emmett's head when he stood. He didn't offer to help her, but every so often he would take the opportunity to make fun of her for it.

Not now, though. Now, Emmett was on the sofa, kissing Rosalie's neck and whispering to her, and she was smiling, looking as beautiful as ever, even without makeup.

Alice and I exchanged smiles, too, having both witnessed the same thing. Jasper was cooking in the kitchen with Edward, who was holding Masen. Alice cleared her throat. "Rosalie, do you and Emmett want to go to Jasper's room?"

"Jasper doesn't have a room," Emmett said, lifting up from Rosalie's neck. "He has an area. A partitioned area."

Alice laughed, then hopped off her chair and tugged me into Jasper's area.

"Do you think Rosalie's cured?" she whispered.

"Cured?"

"You know what I mean. Do you think she's back for good?"

"I hope so."

"Rosalie told me her aunt and her cousin Kate are moving here next month. I think it will be good for Rosalie to have more family close by."

"Me too. Have you met Kate before?"

"No. I guess they used to live here, but they moved to Alaska when Kate was just a baby. They're moving back to be close to Rosalie's mom after what happened. I guess they could all use family right now."

"What about Rosalie's dad?" I asked.

"He still comes and goes. When he 'comes,' Rose stays with Emmett. Her parents don't even question her about where she's staying now. They've lost her, Bella."

I shook my head. "I hope they get her back."

I thought about my own mom, the close relationship we once shared. Was it the same thing as Rosalie's situation? Had my mom lost me? Or had I lost her?

"Bella," Edward called to me from the kitchen, just around the room divider and no farther than eight steps away. "Jasper, tell her what happened," he said when I got to the stove where they hovered, Masen cradled in Edward's arms.

Jasper looked embarrassed. "The chicken is too dry."

"It does look dry," I said. "Do you have any soy sauce?"

"Soy sauce? For fajitas?"

"Jasper, it's a secret ingredient," I said. "Trust me. Or we could just eat the chicken dry."

"Trust her, J," Edward said.

Jasper opened a drawer and pulled out Chinese take-out soy sauce packets. I added a touch more oil before opening each packet and pouring it over the skillet, stirring with the wooden spoon.

"You are so sexy when you cook," Edward said, lifting my hair to kiss the back of my neck.

"Mmm… you are so sexy all the time."

"I'll rephrase my statement. You are so sexy all the time, but when you cook you're even sexier, and if you were cooking naked..."

"Hey, hey, it stops there when I'm in the room," Jasper said.

Edward leaned to my ear and whispered the rest of his sentence, "...the food would burn."

Jasper groaned. "The sexual tension in this place, man. Sex is oozing from my fucking walls."

I covered Masen's ears. "Not in front of the baby, Jasper."

"Do you hear yourself, Bella? You and Edward were nearly having word-sex right over your baby."

"Word-sex?" I looked at Edward, raising my eyebrows.

"Not a bad idea," Edward said.

"All right," Jasper said. "I'm going to run to the store for, uh, something. Thanks for helping, Bella. Alice!" he called, and they left together. I finished sautéing the chicken while Edward watched with Masen asleep on his shoulder, and who-knows-what Rosalie and Emmett were doing on the couch at this point. I pulled a pan from a cupboard, heated it over the stove, and asked Edward to warm some tortillas. He did it all one-handed.

"You didn't realize you were coming to Jasper's place to cook, did you?" Edward asked.

"I don't mind," I said. "It's been a long time since I've cooked anything."

"Well, you obviously haven't forgotten how."

"It's not something you forget. When we're on our own, I'll cook for you every day."

"Except when I cook for you."

"What are you going to cook? Do you even know how?"

"I have plenty of time to learn," he said.

"I'll teach you."

"Yes, you will." He kissed me. "Good thing Jasper isn't here to stop us this time," he said and kissed me deeper.

"But the food is here to stop us," I said, giving him one last kiss and reluctantly turning back to the stove. "I see what's going to happen if I try to teach you to cook."

"Stop saying 'teach,' or it will happen right now regardless of tonight's dinner."

When Jasper and Alice returned, dinner was ready. Jasper appeared strangely satisfied and much less stiff-- I'd even say he was relaxed. I looked at Alice's wide smile and tugged on her arm, pulling her to the only truly private spot in the apartment: the bathroom.

"Alice! What are you up to?"

"Whatever do you mean?"

"You know what I mean. When did the two of you start having sex? I thought you were waiting."

"Who says we're having sex?"

"But Jasper, he… and you… you're both..."

"There are other ways to satisfy your significant other apart from intercourse. You should know this, Bella baby." She left me in the bathroom, gaping after her.

Everyone had served themselves when I finally recovered from my shock. "Jasper?" I said because I couldn't stop myself. "What did you get at the store?"

"Huh?" He looked up at me from the kitchen counter, mid-bite, chicken dangling from the bottom of his fajita.

"You said you needed something at the store. You left, and then returned. I was just curious if you had any trouble finding what you needed."

Alice hit my arm, a gesture that didn't go unnoticed by Jasper. "No trouble at all," he said. "I always know where to find exactly what I'm looking for."

"I'm glad," I said.

"What are you two talking about?" Edward asked from the sofa. He was holding Masen and trying to eat from the plate in his lap at the same time.

"Bella just called him out," Emmett laughed. He had moved to the floor, Rosalie in his lap, while the plate they shared was in hers.

I tried to ignore everyone's laughs. "Here," I said, grabbing for Masen. "Let me hold him while you eat."

"No, go ahead, make yourself a plate," Edward said.

"I want to hold him, Edward. You had him the whole time I was cooking. I miss him."

"Okay," he laughed and handed him over, because he knew exactly how I felt.

"Hi, Mase." He was awake and looking up at me. I gave him a smile and a nose nuzzle, then kissed his head as I sat next to Edward. "Isn't it impossible not to kiss him every five seconds?"

"Between the two of you, my lips are never satisfied. For two different reasons, of course." He kissed me then held his fajita up for me to take a bite.

"Thanks," I said. After my bite, I could have sworn that Masen smiled. "Did you see that?"

"What?" Edward asked, as every pair of eyes in the room shot to me.

"He just smiled. Do it again, Masen. Smile." I smiled at him to show him how, and copied me.

"He sure did smile," Edward said. "Masen, it's your first smile."

"It's beautiful," I said.

"Let me see." Alice took Masen from me and knelt on the floor with him. "Jasper, get your camera. Smile for me, Masen. Smile for me."

Jasper joined Alice, camera ready. "Did he do it?"

"No." She tried to get one out of him a few more times, making faces and raising her voice to a squeak. "Aw, maybe later," she said, handing Masen back to me.

"You should put him down," Rosalie said. "He needs tummy time so he can strengthen his neck muscles."

I looked at Edward and he shrugged.

"You need another book, Bella," Alice said. "I'm on it."

"Do they have a book for every year of the kid's life?" I asked. "Because I am clueless."

"You're fine, Bella," Edward said.

"So, I'm seeing a therapist," Rosalie blurted, obviously not listening to the conversation she'd started. "Emmett talked me into it, and I figured you would all be happy since you agree that I'm crazy."

"You're not crazy," Alice said.

"I was kidding, Alice. Don't you know sarcasm when you hear it?"

"Oh, sorry. I guess I have to get used to it all over again."

"Get used to it."

Alice smiled at her. "Gladly."

"But seriously," Rosalie said, "my therapist thinks I should, you know, say goodbye to Irina. Visit her grave. And I know you've all done that already. Well, except for Bella. But I wondered if you would come with me. All of you."

We all said that of course we would, and I asked when.

"I don't know. I'm not ready yet." She glanced at Emmett, who kissed her. "But I'll let you know when I am."

We all sat quietly, none of us knowing what to say next.

"You can all talk," Rosalie said. "I'm not going to break... anymore."

I caught Alice's eyes, thinking of her 'cured' comment earlier. I wondered if it was true. Tonight was the closest Rosalie had behaved to her old self since the accident. I wasn't completely convinced, though, and Emmett's tight hold on her left me even less convinced. But I would humor her-- give her the benefit of the doubt, and try to treat her like she wanted to be treated, as though she was made of iron and not glass.

It was Edward who ended up taking Masen and me to a bookstore the following day, where I bought one book about the first year and another on the toddler years. I began reading as soon as we were in the car, but I had to skip the parts about illnesses and disorders before I started projecting them onto my baby.

"Learn anything new?" Edward asked.

"It's all common sense."

"Where's the part about tummy time and all that? Maybe you should just have Rosalie write you a book."

He was driving without the need for windshield wipers, but the fog was thick.

"How can you see where you're going?"

"I can see. Don't worry."

I decided to believe him and refrained from looking out the windshield by flipping through the pages of my book. I found the chapter on developmental stages and dog-eared it.

"Bella, I have to tell you something, but you can't freak out."

"Why would I freak-out? What? Is it good or bad?"

"See, you're already starting. It's not bad. Take a breath and I'll tell you."

I took a breath, but Edward was right; I was already beginning a freak out on the inside, having no idea what was coming.

"I have a second interview for the scholarship."

"Really? Edward, that's… that's…"

"Good. But it's still no guarantee. And… I'm nervous."

"You're nervous? You are nervous?"

"Yes. This interview could make or break my chances. I have no idea what they'll ask me or how I'll answer. I thought I'd answered all their questions already."

"You'll know what to say once they ask. That's your gift, Edward. You always know what to say and you know how to charm. If only there was a woman alumnus involved."

"There is. I met her last time."

My eyes widened. "Edward, you've got it. You may as well ask, 'Where do I sign?' as soon as you walk in."

"Oh yeah, that's sure to impress. Actually, that's something Emmett would do."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

He took my hand and kissed it. "You wouldn't be able to join me in the interview. I don't want you to have to wait."

"I have exciting reading to do while I wait." I waved my new book at him. "I want to go."

"Okay. Then come." He kissed my hand again, then intertwined our fingers. "I want you there."

The day of the interview, my dad babysat Masen for the first time. He greeted baby just like everyone did-- with kisses. He showed me the "travel crib," as he called it, set up in the living room.

"It's a pack-n-play, dad," I said, proud that I actually knew what it was called.

But when it came time to go, it wasn't as easy to leave as I'd thought. This would be the longest I'd be away from Masen, and the farthest. I felt tears sting my eyes.

"Bella," Edward said, rubbing a thumb against my cheek. "You don't have to go."

"Yes I do. I do." I kissed Masen, then my father, and forced myself to follow Edward out the door. He held my hand, which helped-- especially when I glanced back to see my dad take Masen's tiny fist and wave it at me.

Edward pulled up in front of the same enormous house I'd visited months earlier with Emmett. It looked different in the winter-- the lawn covered with snow, the birch trees bare. But the house still loomed into the sky, catching snowflakes on the roof well before any reached the ground. I gave Edward a long good-luck kiss, my tongue reaching for his, drawing gasping breaths from both of us, until he was clutching and pulling at me so hard that he almost had me in his lap. I gave his cheek a kiss before I moved back to my own seat.

"You expect me to go in there and think after that?" he panted.

"Sorry. I couldn't help it. Forget me, think Stanford."

"Forget you? Impossible. One more kiss?" He leaned toward me and I pecked his lips. He laughed. "That's it?"

"You need to concentrate. Go. We'll make out later."

He laughed again and kissed my hand goodbye.

I watched snow cascade over the windshield before I opened the book, my eyes poring over the page, but my brain not transmitting any information. I was nervous for Edward. I checked my watch, but only five minutes had passed, and I had no idea how long it might take him in there. He'd left the car running for heat, so I switched on the radio, but the music was only more noise adding to my already storming thoughts, so I shut it off, and fidgeted with the glove compartment. I tried my book again, tossing it on the floor when that didn't work. I dropped my head to my hands, hoping with all my heart that Edward was doing better than me right now.

He wouldn't get his answer today -- I was sure of that -- but the decision would have to be made soon for admission purposes. If he got the scholarship, everything would be perfect, but if he didn't get it… what would I say? I started to prepare myself for the worst. Would telling him that he had plenty of other options and great colleges to choose from be helpful? He already knew that. I decided right then that I did not want to see the look on his face if he had to tell me he didn't get it.

This train of thought was not helpful to my nerves at all. My body was heating up despite the icy weather, so I yanked the keys out of the ignition, exited the car, and let the snow hit my face. I thought going for a walk might help, but after a few steps, I slipped on the icy sidewalk, landing on my butt. That was my cue to get back in the car and wait, nerves killing me or not.

Finally, Edward opened my door and took my hand. "Come here, Bella."

I stepped out and he held my shoulders, bending down so we were eye-to-eye, and said, "We're moving."

"What?" My heart started beating faster and I wasn't positive why.

"We're moving to Palo Alto, Bella."

"Edward! What?" I understood what he was saying, but I needed him to spell it out for me. I couldn't allow myself even the possibility of misconstruing his words.

"I'm in, Bella. This wasn't an interview; this was a confirmation that the scholarship is mine. Do you understand what I'm saying? My tuition will be paid."

I stared at him for a moment, holding my stomach, which suddenly felt like laundry tumbling in a dryer.

"Wait. Are you okay? You look… pale." His eyebrows furrowed and his smile faded.

"Edward. Oh my god. Oh. My. God. I'm just… I can't believe it." My arms flew around his neck and I was kissing all over his face until he laughed. "That's so good. And…" I kissed him. "…unexpected." I kissed him again. "But they told you it was an interview."

"They never said that. Aro's secretary called to say they wanted to meet with me, and I assumed it was an interview. They wanted me here in person to confirm the scholarship, and take a picture for the newspaper."

"Oh my god," I said again, my vocabulary obviously having fled my brain. "Congratulations, Edward. Congratu-fucking-lations!"

"I've got to stop swearing around you," he laughed. "It's rubbing off."

"Sometimes regular words aren't strong enough; that I learned from you. You're going to Stanford, Edward!"

He hugged me and lifted me and spun me around. "I owe it to you, Bella. You never stopped believing."

My legs wrapped his waist as I kissed him.

"Bella," he said. "Your pants are wet."

"I slipped in the snow."

He laughed and kissed me some more. "I love you so fucking much."

"Me too." We continued our kisses as the snow turned our noses pink, and the wind tangled through my hair.

I called Emmett on our way home, but he didn't answer, so I left the message that Edward would be joining him at Stanford. I knew he'd want to be the first to know. We told my dad the news next when we arrived for Masen. My dad hugged us both, then I went directly to Masen, lying on top of a blanket on the floor.

"I missed you, baby," I said, kissing his cheek.

"Hey, little guy." Edward kissed him, too, tugging on his blue bootie-covered foot.

"How was he?" Edward asked.

"Well, he slept, then had a bottle, and then slept some more," my dad said. "So I'd say he was pretty easy."

"Your smart daddy is going to a smart school," I told Masen.

"Please don't say anything like that once we're there," Edward said.

"Does that embarrass you, smart boy?" I reached up to ruffle his hair. "I'm going to say it every day."

"I don't know why I bother trying to stop you; it only makes you worse."

"If you prefer it, I could call you dumb boy."

"Bella," my dad said, "you are so strange."

"I know," I said, "but Edward secretly likes it."

"That's no secret," Edward said. "Don't change your strange ways."

Edward sat with me on the couch while I nursed Masen. My dad's Christmas tree stood in front of the window. It was much bigger than last year's-- taller than me, but shorter than Edward. Sue and her son, Seth, had helped decorate it. Sue's daughter Leah couldn't be bothered to help, according to my dad.

"I'd like you to join me for Christmas, Bella," my dad said. "Sue and her kids will be here-- it will be good for you all to meet."

"Edward, can you come, too?" I asked.

"Yeah. We can do Christmas Eve with my parents."

I smiled at the thought of us making holiday plans together for the first time as a family. "Masen needs a stocking," I said to Edward.

"We'll get him one."

It was already dark when we pulled up to Edward's house. Emmett's Jeep was parked out front, and he was waiting for us in the kitchen, chatting with Esme.

"My son," Esme said, shaking her head and clasping her hands like the proud mother she was. She reached up and held his face. "The only day that tops this one was the day Masen was born." She kissed Edward's smiling cheek. "Emmett and I baked cookies for you." She gestured toward the stove, where the cookies were cooling. "They're not store-bought this time."

"You baked?" I asked Emmett.

He shrugged. "It took you guys forever to get here." He handed Edward a white box tied with a blue ribbon. "This is for you-- something you'll need in California."

"You got him a present?" I asked.

"Yeah, you got me a present?" Edward asked, mimicking my inflection. "Thanks," Edward said in his own voice, taking the box and unwrapping it. I peered into the box as he opened the lid.

"Ray Bans," I said. "You went out and got these today?"

"I bought them a while back. I was going to give them to him even if he didn't get the scholarship. You know, for visits. But I'm relieved they're a congratulations gift and not a condolence gift. Look in the box again."

"Two?" Edward asked.

"One pair's for you, B," Emmett said. "If it weren't for you, Edward wouldn't be Stanford-bound right now."

"We all had our part in that," I said.

"But you're the one who came to me with the idea. You got the wheels turning. He'd already given up on Stanford at that point."

"That's right," Esme said. "Carlisle and Edward talked about how it was no longer an option. Your father, Edward. When he finds out-"

"You haven't told him?" Edward asked.

She shook her head. "I want you to tell him. You deserve to see that look on his face when he hears it from your mouth."

"Try your glasses on," Emmett said.

Edward slipped his pair on first, looking much too good in them. "Some tan California girl is going to snatch you away from me," I said.

"No one's snatching me," he said, putting my pair on me. "I prefer my one pale Washington girl."

After Emmett, left, we put Masen down for the night, then waited for Carlisle in the living room. The last time the three of us had a conversation, it was mortifying. Last week, Carlisle thought it would be a good idea to talk to us about sex... well, birth control, to be exact.

He'd called us down to the kitchen and got right to the point. "I want to make sure you two understand a common misconception about postnatal sex," he said, as Edward and I sat at the table. My hands instantly covered my face.

"Bella, you should know that even though you won't be menstruating while breastfeeding, you can still get pregnant."

"Oh god," I said. I couldn't remove my hands from my face until he left the room. It just wasn't going to happen. Edward laughed and rubbed my back.

"Dad, Bella is on birth-control. Dr. Denali gave her a pill that's safe for the baby."

Why couldn't he have just told his dad that we don't, and never have had sex? It didn't matter to me how unbelievable it was, I just wanted Edward to say it.

"Great," Carlisle said. "Thanks for the talk."

He finally left the kitchen and I dropped my head to the table. "Oh God," I said again.

"It's okay, Bella. It's over," Edward said.

This time, our meeting went much smoother. Carlisle beamed, congratulating and hugging both of us. He kissed my cheek, and there was no mention of sex, or birth-control, or pregnancy.

In bed, we lay together, side-by-side, looking up at the ceiling. "We're moving," I said. "It's official."

"Yeah." Edward's knuckles drifted down my face.

"Are you scared?"

He sighed, and I turned toward him. "Yes," he said.

"Don't say that." I shoved on his stomach and he pulled me into his arms.

"Then don't ask."

I scooted closer, nuzzling my nose into the crook of his neck.

"I'm more excited than I am scared, Bella. You just asked the wrong question."

"Is there anything you want to do before we leave?" I asked. "We have plenty of time to say goodbye to Forks." I kissed his neck because it was right there against my lips.

"Mmm... I want to go out on the lake again, and to our rock by the creek, and sleep in our Port Angeles park."

"Sleep there?"

"Yeah. Don't you remember asking me on your birthday if we could sleep there sometime?"

"I asked if we could sleep under the stars. It doesn't necessarily have to be there."

"What about you?" he asked. "What will you miss the most about Forks?"

"My dad," I said. "It's strange, Edward. I've lived with you longer than I lived with my dad when I first moved from Phoenix. But I'm going to miss him so much."

"We'll be sure to spend plenty of time with him before we move."

"Thank you."

He laughed. "Thank you, Bella. Thank you for believing in me and never letting me give up, even when I was ready and willing to let it all go."

"You're welcome," I said. "I'd do it all again."

"All of it? Even the pregnancy?"

"Now that we know Masen, yes. All of it. I wouldn't change a thing."

"Neither would I."

A/N: Please review.