You could've at least looked after my bloody ship once you'd taken it from me you scraggly-bearded twat.
"Apparently there's a leak," I said loudly as water swirled around my ankles to prove my point. Nobody replied. Rude.
"What do we do?" Isabel turned to me.
Well this is clearly the first time you've been in a jail.
"Don't worry, darlin'," Was she worried? I put my arm around her to make her feel more comfortable. She leant into me. "Something'll turn up and if it doesn't, I sort of have a plan."
Her eyebrows rose. "Well, 'sort of' is very comforting." Sarcasm was very endearing on her. It made me smile. But she still looked a little uneasy.
"I know what I'm doing, love," I told her. "I'm not exactly new to these situations. If bloody William had done what I told him, the two of us wouldn't be in this mess."
I hate him.
Isabel sighed, "He did what he thought was right and so did I, it just so happened that we didn't agree on what it was."
How very… diplomatic of you. Just call him a cowardly little Eunuch next time.
I studied her expression. She looked calm enough, but I couldn't decide if she was now resenting me for her being in her current position. Then I remembered that it was a choice she made to stick with me out of her own free will.
"Do you regret it?" I asked her.
"I don't know," she sounded thoughtful. "It depends on how this all turns out."
"I'll get you home, love, don't worry."
And if you I don't then it'll be alright because you'd die so you won't be able to be cross with me.
"I'm not worried," her face lifted in a smile and she looked at me properly. "Not yet."
BOOM.
Bugger.
I had a split second to react. I pushed Isabel to the ground as the Pearl shook with the impact of a cannonball. I turned to look at the damage. A massive, stupid hole looked back at me.
No, no, no, no, no, no, NO!
"Stop blowing holes in my ship!" I shouted, although I knew that nobody above the Interceptor would hear me. I peered through the whole that had just been created to fix them with my most ferocious glare. Which is pretty damn terrifying. If I met myself and glared at myself, the me that was being glared at would be very scared of the me that was doing the glaring.
"What's going on?" Isabel scrambled to her feet
"Your friends are fighting back," I was not amused. Something shiny caught my eye, I stooped to pick it up. It was a fork. Bit odd… "Your friends are fighting back with cutlery…" What are they actually doing? Am I the only normal one in this whole place? And… What the hell was that? "Cutlery and Gibbs's flask." Gibbs will not be pleased. I picked it up and pocketed it. Then I turned and noticed the door. It had been damaged in the blast. I pushed it and it swung open. Ooh… well… that's useful. Without thinking, I grabbed Isabel's hand, "Come on."
I led the way out of the brig and up on deck. I was cautious, but luckily everyone was too busy trying to kill each other to notice us. I surreptitiously grabbed the rope of someone who was swinging towards us from the other ship. He looked a little shocked when he saw me and dropped directly into the sea. "Thanks, mate," I smiled at the patch of sea he'd fallen into. I'm too polite for my own good. I glanced at Isabel, her eyes were wide, "Hang on tight, Isabel."
Her arms wrapped around my waist. We jumped. I expected a girly scream, but all that happened was she clung on tighter. We flew like two birds together for the briefest moment, away from the Pearl. I'll be back soon. We were as graceful as two Sparrows… until we tumbled onto the deck. I recovered slightly quicker than Isabel and helped pull her to her feet. She smiled at me.
"Isabel!" someone shouted. Isabel's eyes lit up. Elizabeth Swann was running towards us. Isabel ran towards her, calling her name. She looked deliriously happy.
Don't know why. She doesn't seem to be anything special.
I walked over to them, feeling a little odd. "Where is the medallion?" I asked, interrupting their girlish embrace. Elizabeth's face immediately flooded with rage.
"Wretch!" she shouted in my face.
Bit rude.
Isabel looked confused about all this. I studied Elizabeth. So she is a woman, after all. Eunuch and a woman. Wonders never cease. Speaking of Eunuch…"Ah, where the William?" I asked and her face changed completely. She shot off to find her dearly beloved and his lack of trouser-departmentness.
It was then that I spotted Barbossa's stupid, pestilent, filthy monkey with that medallion grasped in its stupid, dirty paws. "Monkey!" I yelled to it, in the hope it would stop and ran after the slippery little devil.
I hate monkeys, they're like stupidly small and highly idiotic miniature, hairy people. With creepy faces.
The stupid bugger was hard to keep track off in the movement of all the normal sized people. I chased that stupid creature all the way back to the Pearl. I was close on his tail. He was fast, but I was gaining on him. With a sense of elation I reached out and-
Oh.
A pair of boots stood in my way. I continued looking up to see who they belonged to. Barbossa. He was grinning. He looks even uglier when he does that.
"Thank ye' Jack," his gloating eyes were fixed on me.
"You're welcome…" I muttered.
You're not.
"Not you," his ugly grin widened. "We named the monkey Jack."
Die.
"If any of you so much as thinks the word 'parlay' I'll have your guts for garters."
Parlay… oh, you did nothing. What a surprise.
BOOM. The Interceptor erupted in a flash of fire. Commodore Goon is not going to be happy with me. Good.
The whole explosion seemed to get Elizabeth all worked up. She charged at Barbossa, screaming shrill things in a shrill manner at the top of her undoubtedly shrill voice. Barbossa, naturally, was loving it. "Welcome back, Miss. You took advantage of our hospitality last time. It holds fair now that you return the favor." He pushed her roughly towards his crew who began grabbing her wherever they could. Desperate… then again, with only Barbossa to look at for months on end, who wouldn't be?
"Barbossa!" a stupid, weak, eunuch-ish little voice spoke up from the rail of the Pearl. Eunuch was attempting to glare and look frightening. "She goes free."
Oh God no… Is this what it's come to? I've seen scarier glares on a door handle and they don't even have eyes,
"What's in your head boy?" Barbossa swaggered towards him.
"She goes free," Eunuch repeated.
Oh God, we're doomed.
"You've only got one shot and we can't die," Barbossa spoke to Will as if he was an idiot. Which he was. It seemed Barbossa and I had found something we agreed on.
"Don't do anything stupid," I muttered, knowing that such a request was impossible. It is in a stupid man's nature to do stupid things.
"You can't," Will agreed. Well at least he's got one thing right today. He must be proud. It was then that Will turned the gun on himself, "but I can."
What the hell is wrong with you?
"Who are you?" Barbossa was thoroughly confused.
Oh shit, I know where this is going…
I leapt forward to save him. "He's no one," I said, which was true. He was insignificant enough not to be an actual person. "He's the distant cousin of an aunt's nephew twice removed. Lovely singing voice, though. Eunuch…"
I imagine it's very high considering he had his trouser department hacked off.
"My name is William Turner," Will cut across my ingenious cover-up with the ridiculous truth. "My father was Bootstrap Bill Turner. His blood runs in my veins."
Oh for fuck's sake… don't tell them everything they need to know!
"He's the spitting image of old Bootstrap Bill come back to haunt us!" someone shouted out.
Oh no. No. No. No
"On my word do as I say or I'll pull the trigger and be lost to Davy Jones's Locker," Will teetered dangerously on the edge of the rail. I really wanted to just push him in.
"Name your terms, Mr Turner," said Barbossa.
"Elizabeth goes free!" he demanded.
No shit.
He secured Elizabeth's freedom. Eh… Eunuch…
Isabel's freedom was also agreed upon.
I do believe you're forgetting someone… someone important…
He ensured the safety of my crew. WHAT ABOUT ME EUNUCH?
Well… bugger him.
Beside me, someone let out a gentle sigh. I glanced at Isabel and briefly caught sight of a tear in her eye. Slowly, slyly, I reached for her hand and entwined my fingers with hers.
"It'll be alright, love," I whispered for only her to hear. I felt her give my hand a slight squeeze.
Not really… we'll probably all die.