XIV

There it was: the invitation.

She could cross the threshold in good conscience, having been asked to join him.

But...

Yes, but.

Martha was silent for so long, that the Doctor asked, "Why won't you?"

"I want to. Do you have a room somewhere in the TARDIS where you love me and I'm able to let go of all my hang-ups?"

"I'm not sure – I'll check the database. As soon as I create it. Tell me your hang-ups."

"You know what they are, Doctor. You're under the influence of magic. I can't be with you if it's not real – it's not fair to either one of us."

"Right. But as you said last night, at least we're even."

"We weren't even. I mean, yeah, as far as one of us taking advantage of the other, we were... one of us was just as much out of their mind as the other. But as far as considerations go, the consequences of what we did, of what we could do again... there's no evenness."

"Because it's a long-term consequence for you and a short-term one for me."

"For you, it's going to wind up being one rather ill-advised shag with a friend..."

"...for you, it will represent uncertainty and be a reminder of pain."

"Yes. And the whole thing will feel like a farce..."

"...and there will be a conspicuous emptiness, like a loss."

Martha smiled. "Did Lewogue magic also make you emotionally savvy? Because before tonight you seemed to be clueless."

"It gave me love, which gave me insight."

"It's about time."

"I guess it doesn't take a genius – I'm just now opening my eyes, Martha. I'm just trying to put myself in your position."

"Well, I'll take whatever I can get, as far as that goes. Bravo, Doctor."

"Thank you, Miss Jones," he said. And then a big sigh, and, "So is the answer still no?"

"Yes, I'm sorry. Nothing's changed, Doctor. Just because you now have insight doesn't mean you aren't still under the influence of something artificial. And it could disappear tomorrow. If I came to you tonight, and we..." a frisson came over her, but she forcced herself to say the words, because her forceful decisions called for facing the situation head-on. "If I came, and we made love again, it would just be more emotion, more memories, more stuff that I'd have to deal with all on my own if and when your feelings disappear completely. Having just a little bit of you is worse than having nothing of you."

"I thought you said it was worth the pain."

"Maybe once. Once, and it's just a beautiful memory, a reward for the pain, maybe. Twice and it becomes an addiction. It becomes something that I inflict upon myself because it feels good, even though I know it might destroy me. Twice, and it begins to create more pain."

"What if it's just comfort?"

"How do you mean?"

"You're in pain, Martha. You've been in pain for a long time."

Reluctantly, she admitted, "Yes."

" At the very least, I'm your friend. What are friends for?"

"You can comfort me later."

Some rustling began to happen in the background, and the timbre of his voice changed. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm putting clothes on. I promise to keep them on."

She laughed. "Doctor," she said, her voice downturning at the last syllable, then she chuckled some more. "Wait, you're putting on a suit in the middle of the night? Do you just want to prove a point?"

"Not a suit, just pyjamas. Cotton. Nothing sexy, I promise."

She laughed again. "Nothing sexy? Please. You couldn't be unsexy if you tried."

"That's not helping."

"Sorry."

"We'll sleep together... just sleep. All touching remains above the waist. And I promise I will be there when you wake up, even if you sleep until next Wednesday."

"Doctor, you're making this harder than it should be."

"No, I'm not. I'm trying to make it simple. Sex is complicated. Just holding each other is not."

"Well, you're wrong about that. But either way, it's still not real, Doctor. Still magic, still totally artificial. We've discussed why this is not fair."

"No problem," he said. "I have the solution to that, too."

"You do?" she asked, a little bit stunned.

"Yes."

"Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?"

"I didn't know until just now."

"What's your solution?" she wondered.

And then she heard the knock at her bedroom door.