Gamer4 in, and welcome, once more, to the fanfiction that always crawls up to you with a smile! Seriously, please don't kill me for the title of this chapter! I mean, it's July! July is a good month- so many cool things happening. First, Gandora returns for a couple weeks (though he'll be going back soon... boo...) Then he gives me a birthday present (yeah, my birthday's coming up soon, he gave me said present early since he won't actually be there) that consists of Fire Emblem, Awakening! Turns out he knows a bit more about Fire Emblem than I'd thought, and thought Awakening would be a good first game for me! And it turns out... he was right! I'm currently giving the series a second chance, starting with the two games that I have (Awakening, of course, and Sacred Stones,) and, depending on those, my third would probably be Binding Blade, just to see how badly I butchered Roy's characterization. So, yeah, things are pretty good (Ocelot gesture) at this end, so wouldn't it just be in terrible taste to kill me just for making your brains bleed with this chapter's title? Please? Spare me? Well, either way, let's jump in.
Disclaimer: "See the jailer with his key, who locks away all trace of sin. See the judge upon the bench, who tries the case as best he can.
Chapter XII
The Console Games
Mario watched eagerly through the carriage's windows as, at long last, the Smash Mansion appeared over the horizon. This was the moment he'd been looking forward to all Summer... if one didn't count the Grand Prix, of course. "Thing of beauty," he grinned.
"It really is," Luigi agreed next to him, drawing his attention.
"Oh, hey, Lu!" Mario suddenly perked up, noticing what he hadn't before. "You grew a moustache, too?"
"Oh, yeah," Luigi nodded, fingering his own growth of dark hair over his upper lip. "I've been trying to grow it out since last year, it suddenly came in this Summer, it's awesome!"
"Meh, nothing to be proud of," Link shrugged. "I mean, what's really so special about moustaches anyway?"
Abruptly, he recoiled from the dark aura that arose from the boys in red and green- "Do not... diss... the staches!" they growled in unison.
"Oh, calm down, he's just jealous because he can't grow one," Zelda smirked.
"Oh, come on, not you too, Zelda!" Link objected.
And so it came to be that the remainder of the trip up to the mansion was mainly marked by two different conversations- Link and Zelda debating about whether or not the former could grow a moustache, and Mario and Luigi discussing how awesome their new lip-warmers were.
Finally, the trip ended, and Luigi headed off to meet up with Diddy and Ness, leaving Mario, Link, and Zelda to rush across the grounds towards the mansion's front doors, struggling to get in before they drowned from the rain alone.
"Raining, raining, raining," Link grumbled upon entrance, taking off his floppy hat to wring it out. "It's not long before the noobs won't even have to do any walking to get to the mansion- they can just row right up to the front-"
"Ker-sploosh!" came a loud, heckling voice from above, followed by a very real, *KER-SPLOSH!*
And with that, Link was left looking around furiously for his assailant- namely, the assailant who'd just dropped a great, big water balloon on him. "Alright, who's the wise guy?!" he raged, drawing his sword. "I'll take you on! I'll take you all on! I am the swordmaster!"
As Link continued ranting, Mario scanned the ceiling, and, sure enough, spotted the Boo soaring above, with a whole arsenal of water balloons circling him like some demented model of the solar system.
"Freaking Boo!" he grumbled, snapping his fingers and summoning a handful of fire- that was swiftly extinguished by another balloon.
"Nice try, there!" the Boo cried out in wicked delight. "But the old Boo's caught on to all your tricks, fire boy! You won't be taking him down again!"
"BOO!" came another cry from across the mansion's foyer. Everyone turned to see a tall, blond woman dressed in a blue outfit encompassing her entire body except for her head storming across the hall. As she did, she drew a gun, of sorts, from her belt and fired off a couple shots at the floating, spherical menace, who danced around the beams, cackling madly all the while.
"Oh, ease off, I'm not hurting anybody, am I?" he chortled. "It's not like they were dry to begin with!"
"Swear to the Wave Existence, Boo!" the woman shouted, firing a couple more times. Unfortunately, as she was strafing around the room to get the spirit in her sights, she slammed her foot into a patch of ground completely doused in cold water and lost her footing, causing her to slip spectacularly until she slammed into the still-raging Link, leaving them both plummeting towards Mario and Zelda, who reached out to catch them on instinct- Mario caught Link, and Zelda the woman.
"Oh- thanks, Hyrule," the woman- forget it, you already know who she is- Samus grunted, forcing herself to her feet again and struggling to maintain her dignity.
Link, meanwhile, looked up at Mario, and couldn't help but smirk at the position they were in. "What, no flowers?" he quipped, prompting Mario to simply drop him.
Leaving Link on the ground, unable to help it, Mario turned to his teacher with a slight smile, and threw out a quip of his own- "So, Ms. Aran, built anything in a cave... with a box of scraps lately?"
Samus turned to him with her eyes half-closed. "Unless you want another detention before the school year even starts, Mario..."
"Sorry, sorry!" Mario gave a small laugh as he raised his hands in surrender. "Couldn't help it."
Samus shook her head, then turned back to the Boo. "So help me, Boo, if you don't stop this right now, I will talk to the Sierra Shade! Don't think I won't!"
The Boo flipped around in the air, making a wild face at the Smash Mansion's vice headmistress and dropping the remainder of his balloons at the same time, before shooting through a nearby wall. That, Mario thought, was a true testament to just how unmanageable the Boo was- even Samus had to threaten to get someone else to push him back into line.
Samus threw one last glare in the direction the Boo had disappeared, then turned to the students still in the hall, grumbling about how newly wet they were. Still working to overcome her annoyance, she began ushering them into the Dining Hall, trying to get things back in order. Mario, Link, and Zelda followed suit, Link still grumbling abuse about the spherical spirit as he struggled to get all the water out of his hair.
Thankfully, it was much warmer in said Dining Hall. Of course, literal temperature didn't mean much to the pyromancer who was, once again, increasing his body heat, causing the water on him to turn to steam, but he could feel a warmth in his chest nonetheless as he gazed around at the familiar sight. The five tables, four set adjacent to each other on the ground, the fifth elevated a few steps above, overseeing the hall. The four ground tables, of course, belonged to the four groups of the Smash Bros.: Nintendo, home of courage and nobility, Hal, home of loyal, hard workers (and great finders, but who's keeping track,) Retro, home of the wise and intelligent, and Sierra, home to the power-hungry and cunning, but Mario preferred to simplify it to 'home of the scumbags.' The fifth table, naturally, belonged to the staff of the mansion, gazing down at their charges- though just barely, in certain cases, such as Pikachu, teacher of weapons, who had to sit on a pile of pillows to just barely reach his meal- not that any such meal had appeared yet.
Floating gently above each table was that group's ghost- sort of the spiritual mascot for each group, though they probably wouldn't appreciate being addressed as such. The Sierra Shade, a glowering skeleton in gold, stereotypical-viking-style armor, for Sierra, Rauru the fat priest with a wrap-around-the-head moustache for Hal, some woman that Mario hardly paid any attention to for Retro, and Pit, a young man dressed like the archetypical angel, for Nintendo. Said young man greeted Mario, Link, and Zelda jovially as they took their seats. "Great day, isn't it, guys?" he grinned as he floated near them.
"Says you," Link grumbled irritably. "I am cold, wet, and hungry."
"Oh, Link," Pit smiled as he shook his head. "Look on the bright side! It could be worse."
"For you, of course it could," Link agreed. "You could have flesh and blood when I turn into a cannibal halfway through the sorting."
"Oooooookaaaaaaaay..." Mario noted, casually scooting a few inches away from his friend. "No offense," he added, "but I'd like to not get eaten in the first sorting I get to watch since mine."
Sad, but true- ever since Mario himself had been sorted into Nintendo, it seemed like fate was conspiring against him to prevent him from witnessing any more. He was reflecting on this as he continued gently scooting along the table, until, with a grunt, he bumped into somebody behind him. "Oh, sorry," he grunted quickly. The color then proceeded to vanish from his face as the student he'd bumped into replied:
"It's alright, Mario, if you're doing it, there's gotta be a good reason!"
Mario froze, and proceeded to turn around in a slow, jerky fashion. Sure enough, sitting right behind him was Pichu, a fellow Nintendo who happened to be probably his biggest fan. If he hadn't been a big enough fan to begin with, a couple years previously saw Mario getting caught up in certain events that, in a roundabout way, led to Pichu's live being saved, only leading to the young mouse pokemon becoming even more smitten with him. While Mario, of course, wasn't going to knock anybody who was so willing to stand in his corner too much, he had a tendency to be pretty overbearing...
"Hey, Mario! Mario! Mario! Hey, Mario!" Pichu chirped, only confirming Mario's memory.
"Yeah?" Mario finally asked.
"Guess what?!"
Mario waited for a minute, before finally saying, "What?"
"Come on, guess!"
Mario sighed. He hated it when people actually expected him to guess. "Hmm... Erza Scarlett is going to get more screentime than her cameo from last chapter?"
"Nope!"
"Er... we're finally going to introduce Samus's power suit?"
"Uh-uh."
*Sigh.* "Umm... Mother 3 is finally coming to the Virtual Console?"
"I hope so, but no, that's not it!"
"Come on, Pichu," Mario muttered. "Just tell me, already."
"Okay!" Pichu nodded happily. "It's my brother, Plusle! He's finally coming to the Smash Bros. this year!"
"Y- you have a brother?" Mario asked nervously.
"Oh, yeah, and he's almost as big a fan of yours as I am!" Pichu nodded happily. "I mean, we all know that I'm your number 1 fan, but he's a close second! Keep your fingers crossed for him to get into Nintendo, alright?"
Mario struggled to speak, but felt like there was something lodged in his throat, and thusly settled for a simple nod before turning to the others. Not that he'd want brothers to be broken up, but for crying out loud, one of them was enough...
Turning to Pit, he asked, "Do siblings usually get sorted into the same group?"
"Usually," Pit nodded, "but I have heard of some who got sorted into different groups. I know a family of swordfighters who had a pair of identical twins- I think their names were Marth and Lucina- and they got sorted into different groups. And then, when me and my brother got sorted, I went to Nintendo, and he went to Sierra! Can you believe that? I mean, what difference was there between him and me?"
"Hard telling," Zelda shrugged. "I didn't even know you had a brother. But," she added, addressing Mario in turn, "he's right- I mean, look at Saria and Fado Kokiri- nigh identical, act almost completely the same- Saria's in Nintendo, Fado's over in Retro."
"But then there's the Farons," Link pointed out. "It's been generations since there's been a Faron not in Nintendo. I guess it really just depends..."
Mario, meanwhile, had long since lost interest in this conversation, and was scanning the staff table. He couldn't help but notice that there seemed to be more empty chairs than usual. Samus and Crazy were absent, for one, but he'd expected that- Samus was probably still out chasing the Boo, while Crazy was in the middle of ferrying the new kids across Lake Delfino. But even noting this left one teacher unaccounted for. Running the teachers that were present through his mental database, he was able to deduce who was missing- "Hey, guys," he muttered, getting his friend's attention, "Where's the new Protection from the Evils teacher?"
The others ceased said conversation and noticed what he had. For the past three years, (and, the way Mario heard it, quite a few years before that,) the Smash Bros. had consistently lost every single teacher of Protection from the Evils they had. Whether it was King Dedede, who'd resigned after a year of being used as a pawn by Mewtwo, Fox McCloud, who'd resigned after Wolf had revealed his... werecreatureism to the rest of the school, or Tingle Limpah, who'd been let go after essentially turning himself into a vegetable, they never seemed to be able to hold on to those Protection from the Evils teachers. However, that did nothing to explain the lack of a new recruit at the staff table.
"Couldn't they get anyone?" Link asked, raising an eyebrow.
"They wouldn't just drop the class, would they?" Zelda put in, wringing her hands. Mario simply shrugged.
Scanning the table a little longer, he was able to spy Wolf O'Donnell, his least favorite teacher at the mansion, the master of power-ups. Well, if there was one class he'd have been glad to give up, that would have been it, but fate seemed like it wouldn't be that kind- Wolf held a grudge against Mario due to hating his father before him. And just when it seemed like Wolf couldn't hate him anymore, the previous year, Mario had helped Roy escape from under his snout- and while Wolf couldn't prove it, he heavily suspected that Mario was involved in said escape somehow, only taking his hatred for the boy to new levels.
However, Mario couldn't help but feel a sense of calm wash over him as his eyes passed from Wolf to the teacher in the center of the staff table- a gigantic right hand inside a glove. With that distinctive outline, trademark glove, and general aura of calmness and peace, it could be none other than the Master Hand, headmaster of the Super Smash Bros., and known throughout the world as among the greatest smashers who ever lived. When he was in the room with you, it didn't matter who you were, you just couldn't help but feel that everything was going to be okay.
...Unless, apparently, you were Link on an empty stomach. "Oh, come on! Can't those guys fight their way across a heaving, overflowing lake full of creatures faster?! I'm starving here! Sonna a formato!"
And impeccable was his sense of timing, as these words had only just finished coming from his mouth when the doors to the dining hall swung open, and the new students appeared, being led by Samus Aran, still with a faint look of disgruntlement on her face from the Boo. Mario's eyes scanned the new arrivals, looking for someone who bore a family resemblance to the young lightning mouse... well, with smasher genetics, this wouldn't be easy...
Or, alternatively, it could take him three seconds to track down the student that looked almost exactly like Pichu, but with red mixed in with the yellow instead of black, and with a plus sign or two imprinted on his body. Not sticking out enough? He was also wrapped up in a large, white, left-hand glove. On top of this, his behavior was nigh identical to Pichu's when he'd first arrived at the mansion- eagerly scanning everything in the hall, desperately taking everything in. And just in case all that was just a coincidence, when his eyes passed in the direction of Pichu himself, they held what was quite clearly a nonverbal exchange, communicating things to each other that Mario couldn't determine, for the life of him- apparently, the brothers had developed their own sign language.
Samus, meanwhile, ascended the steps to the raised platform at the head of the hall, where she produced a stool and a large object resembling a cross between a backpack and a water pump- the famed Smash Bros. Sorting F.L.U.D.D. Having done this, she turned to the students and announced: "When I call your name, you will come and strap the F.L.U.D.D. to your back. It will tell you which group you are best suited to."
A moment later of nervous chatter amongst the noobs, and she began. "Lon, Romani!"
A young, red-haired girl walked up, allowing Samus to strap the pack to her back. A moment later, and the nozzle began twitching as a voice spoke out- "Retro!"
Mario joined in with the rest of Nintendo politely clapping for Romani as she took her seat over at Retro's table. As he looked over, he caught sight of Pauline Dama, a young woman he'd previously met on the Smash-Up field as a rival seeker. Funny, he wouldn't mind transferring to Retro himself. Brains over brawn, and all that...
He tore himself out of his reverie just in time to witness the sorting of someone named Vivian Spur, who was placed in Sierra, earning them quite a few boos from Nintendo's end. Mario, for his part, clapped politely as usual, but couldn't help wondering if this... Vivian was aware of the many unsavory rumors about that particular group.
A second later, Misty Lillis became the first new addition to Hal.
"Tepes, Alucard!"
"Sierra!"
"Black, Juju!"
"Hal!"
"Minun, Plusle!"
Mario watched on, not wanting to tempt fate one way or the other as the young mouse-like creature finally shed Crazy's glove in favor of the pump. A moment passed, and...
"Nintendo!"
Though Mario was still ambivalent towards the idea, he resolved to continue his polite clapping as Plusle made his way through the tables towards his brother. "Bro, I fell in the lake, I fell in the lake!" Plusle cheered as he made contact. "It was so cool- I was going down, and down, and then this big, white tentacle wrapped around me and pushed me back up!"
"Oh, sweet!" Pichu cheered. "Must have been the Bloop!"
"Oh, really?!" Plusle gave a cry of pleasure, stars in his eyes as though this best way to start the school year possible. "And to think this is just my first day!"
Mario gave a sigh, but smiled nonetheless as he turned from this scene of brotherly compassion. Annoying at times, perhaps, but he'd never wish unhappiness on them...
"And guess what- it's about to get even better!" Pichu continued. "Look around- see that boy- that guy there, with the big moustache? You know who he is?"
Mario's ears turned red. Never mind, he took it back, the Bloop should have dragged that freaking mouse down to the depths.
Link began to groan as the sorting dragged on and on. "Oh, come on, are those kids cloning each other out there?"
"Oh, come on, Link, the sorting is much more important than eating!" Pit reprimanded him.
"Easy to say, when you don't have a stomach to grumble," Link grumbled himself.
"I'm choosing to hear your words and not your tone," Pit replied happily.
"Not sure how that applies here- I mean, his words were pretty rude in general," Zelda pointed out.
"Whatever," Pit shrugged. "I'm just saying that it's a magical moment- all these new students, ready to find their limitless potential- this is where it all starts for them! I just hope that our new Nintendoes do well- we don't want to break our winning streak this year, do we?"
And in case you were wondering... the sorting was still going on. It was hard telling exactly where along the line they were, as they were pretty clearly not going in any sort of alphabetical order...
XXXX
Finally, the last student, Donnel Tinhead, became a Hal, and the sorting ended. Silence fell as Samus took away the stool and F.L.U.D.D., leaving the Master Hand to rise from his seat, floating serenely at the head of the hall. "In all my years of travel and experience," he announced, "I have discovered certain words that I believe fit this situation very well. And those words are: 'Chow down!'"
Link dabbed at his eyes with a napkin. "Oh, he has such a way with words- it's so beautiful!"
That said, the swordsman wasted no time in turning on the food that had just appeared on the plates up and down all the tables. Hungry as he was, Mario was at least able to refrain from diving on it like a starving person, but Link had never been a paragon of self-restraint to begin with.
"Now we're talking!" he was currently whooping as he tore apart a steak like a wild animal.
Pit gently floated down next to them, leaning back on an invisible chair. "You know," he mused out loud, "There almost wasn't a feast tonight. Trouble down in the kitchen."
"What happened?" Mario asked, taking a break from his meal to raise an eyebrow.
"I'll give you three guesses- and the first two don't count," Pit smiled.
"Oh, gosh, I don't know, I might have to phone a frie- Boo," Mario pretended to be confused for a moment before offering up the nigh-inevitable answer.
"You got it," Pit nodded. "We ghosts had a meeting earlier today, and he tried to pass a motion to let him come to the feast."
"Come to think of it," Mario recalled, raising a finger to the air, "I don't think I've ever seen the Boo at a feast."
"And is that really a surprise?" Pit replied, unusually deadpan. Mario blinked- Pit was usually pretty gung-ho for a dead person, but it seemed like the Boo brought out the worst in him- though, in fairness, the worst Pit had to offer wasn't really much worse than getting a bit snarky- on his worst days. "Anyways, the vote was almost deadlocked- there were actually quite a few ghosts who wanted to give him another chance- but then the Sierra Shade said no, and that pretty much sealed the deal. I mean, even if he got his motion passed, I don't think he'd do it if the Shade disapproved. But, of course, that doesn't mean he had to like it, I guess..."
"I thought he seemed a little peeved," Mario recalled. "So, what did he do in the kitchen?"
"Well, he didn't waste any time coming up with something creative- just went down there and caused some mayhem- threw food around, overboiled some soup, juggled a few knives... the Shade had to step in eventually, but I hear it scared those poor yoshis out of their-"
*CLANG!*
Pit was jolted out of his narrative by the sound of clanging metal. He, Link, and Mario all then proceeded to turn to the source of the noise- Zelda Hyrule, mouth agape, dropping her utensils on her plate. "What did you just say?!" she exclaimed.
"The yoshis," Pit repeated, one eyebrow raised. "I said the Boo scared the yoshis pretty bad."
"Th-th-the-thethethethe..." Zelda stammered. Finally, she forced out, "There are yoshis here? In the Smash Mansion?"
"Oh, yeah," Pit nodded. "Quite a few, too. Not sure exactly how many, but it's a pretty sizable force."
"W-b-h-what is this, I don't even..."
"You okay there, Zelda?" Link asked, raising an eyebrow in concern.
"No, not really!" Zelda exclaimed back. "I mean, really, did you know this?"
"Well, not for certain," Link shrugged. "I mean, I guess I was always thinking in the back of my mind that Mido couldn't possibly take care of the whole mansion, and all the cooking and all that by himself. And I guess yoshis would be the obvious solution..."
"And you, Mario?!" Zelda hysterically turned to her other friend.
"Oh, yeah, I knew," Mario nodded. "Strider mentioned in one of his letters that he got his knife from them- had to sneak it around them, apparently, but he filled me in on-"
"So everyone knew this except for me?!" Zelda cried.
"What's the big deal?" Link asked. "I mean, is it really all that important?"
Zelda, ignoring him, turned on Pit. "They get paid, don't they? All the usual benefits- 401k, dental, all that good stuff?"
"The way I hear it, the Master Hand offered those things to them, yeah," Pit spoke, rubbing a finger along his cheek in thought. "But the yoshis are an uber-conservative society- you get a yoshi that accepts too many benefits from smashers, and they get called no-good hippies. They don't accept any pay, or 401K, or any of that. I think the only benefit they do accept is sick days, and that's only because they don't want to ruin the quality of their service."
Zelda's jaw, at this point, had lowered into her stew. Slowly, she raised a hand, placed it on said jaw, re-affixed said jaw to her skull, took a napkin, wiped her chin off, put down the napkin, picked up the stew, and threw it into the face of the author for describing these actions in such detail.
"Whoa, Zelda, what's up?!" Link asked, recoiling slightly.
"Yeah, usually, it's just me that picks on the narrator!" Mario pointed out.
"I refuse to eat any meal cooked by slave labor!" Zelda growled, and proceeded to lean back in her seat, refusing to eat any more or join in any further conversation.
As one might imagine, the rest of the meal was among the most relaxing Mario had ever experienced, what with Zelda glaring at him and Link like they were barbecuing kittens with every bite they took.
And so it came to be that, in a truly rare occurrence, Mario was actually somewhat relieved when the meal concluded- he was on the verge of frostbite if the cold front Zelda was creating went on much longer.
With the feast concluded, the Master Hand rose up, ready to give his actual start-of-year speech. "Well, now that we are all, I hope, nice and full-" (prompting another gasp from Mario and Link as Zelda furiously gave the old hand the bird for this remark,) "-I have a few notices I'd like to give out. First off, I know that we're all good, rule-abiding smashers here, and that in mind, Mido would like me to remind you that you shouldn't be using your powers outside of classes. He also would like it to be known that the banned items list has been extended over the summer, and, if anyone wants to check it, he'll be posting it on every bulletin board tonight."
Mario sighed- Mido really was fighting a losing battle here.
The Master Hand seemed to know it, too, as he seemed to be holding back a chuckle as he continued. "As a reminder to everyone, the dark forest at the edge of the grounds is out-of-bounds to those who actually wanted to go there in the first place. The much more tempting goal of Kurain is also barred to those who are below third year, or do not have valid permission forms."
Mario subconsciously pumped his fist into the air for Roy. Not illegal anymore, buddy!
"On a much more somber note, I am afraid that I must inform you that the Smash-Up championship will not be taking place this year."
Explosion time. Shouting and muttering alike erupted throughout the hall, particularly from the players of the sport, but also from the fans- which constituted basically everyone present who wasn't a player. Mario threw in some shouting of his own, but couldn't help but notice that Kirby and Meta Knight were so thrown off by this, apparently, that they couldn't even bring themselves to make their voices heard- they were just mutely opening and closing their mouths.
Finally, the Master Hand had to resort, once more, to firing missiles from his fingers to get everyone's attention. "Truly unfortunate, I know," he called out, "but I assure you that it is not without reason! For, you see, a truly wonderful event is occurring this year, an event that will take all the time we usually dedicate to Smash-Up. A high price, but I genuinely hope it will be worth it, for this year, the Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing will be hosting the-"
"Boom, baby!" came a sudden shout, drawing everyone's attention away from the hand and towards the doors, where a new arrival was standing in a sort of 'Here-I-am' pose. As every eye in the hall fell on him, he fell into a more somber position, before beginning the journey up towards the staff table.
Everyone stared. He was dressed in green armor that covered mostly his upper body, complete with a cape. He wore boots, but there was nothing covering his legs. From his head came a mop of red hair that fell down to his shoulders. Every inch of his face seemed to be heavily scarred. Having abandoned his previous, happier-looking position, he was currently walking down the aisle like a cowboy from a spaghetti western, mean-mugging everyone he passed. As he did, Mario couldn't help but noticed that one of his eyes seemed much larger than the other. The smaller one seemed like a perfectly normal hazel eye, but the other was large, twisted, and a bright shade of yellow. This eye was not acting in a manner one would expect of a normal eye, acting completely independent of the other, and occasionally disobeying biology altogether by swinging around and gazing back through the man's head.
Halfway down the aisle, he paused and produced something from a satchel he was carrying with him- some sort of candy, it looked like. He raised it to his mouth and bit down into it. Even as he swallowed, a grimace crossed his face, like he didn't like what he was tasting at all.
Mario heard a light chuckle at his side. "This guy's funny..." that was Plusle.
Abruptly, quick as lightning, the man turned towards the Nintendo table, almost like he'd heard. With equal swiftness, he reached to his waist, unleashing a whip that had previously been coiled in his belt. A loud *CRACK*ing noise rang throughout the room, but before anybody could even flinch, it had met its mark- a candle that happened to be sitting on the table itself. And, even though all traces of food should have long been cleared away, when that candle got whipped, it produced a pork chop that got caught up in the whip and dragged to where the man was standing. He examined it closely, then took a bite out of it as he continued stomping up towards the staff table.
The Master Hand stepped down to greet him. "Sorry I'm late," the newcomer muttered. "Got attacked by a few demonic sons of b****es..."
"Well, we do have a little food left over, if you'd like."
"You got any pie? I could go for some pie."
"I think we have some left, yes," the Master Hand confirmed, offering the stranger a seat, which he gladly took.
As he sat, a piece of pie appeared on his plate. He examined it closely once more before biting into it. He smiled. "I like me some pie."
The Master Hand gazed around at the hall for a moment, witnessing the stunned looks on everyone's faces. Clearing his non-existent throat, he announced, "For those of you who missed it, this is our new Protection from the Evils teacher, Simon Belmont!"
The Master Hand and the Crazy Hand united to give the teacher some applause, but even they quickly faded as they realized nobody was joining him. Everyone, staff and student alike, was so taken aback by this strange man that they really didn't know what to think. Simon, for his part, didn't seem to care- he had more important things to take care of- like that pie.
"Wait, Simon Belmont?" Mario repeated. "Isn't that the guy your Dad ran out to help today?"
"I think so..." Link agreed. "Definitely matches up with how Dad described him. Kind of odd..."
'Kind of odd' was a very generous term, in Mario's opinion, and the look on Zelda's face indicated she agreed.
The Master Hand shook himself, in the manner that one might shake their head. "Anyways," he announced, "as I was saying earlier... the Smash Mansion will not only be your home this year! In two months, delegates from the schools of Mycrowsoft and Sohnee will be arriving and staying throughout the year as we participate in a legendary event to be hosted here... the Console Games!"
And just like that, all the tension in the hall went out the windows. There were varying reactions across the halls, from cheers, to laughs, to, in the case of Mario as well as a few others, simply face faulting. "Really?" Mario muttered. "Really? Is that really a thing we're doing?"
Kirby and Meta, meanwhile, were, as ever, in with the laughing crowd. "Nice joke there, Matty!" Kirby called out.
"Not a joke, Mr. Faron," the Master Hand responded, a smile in his voice, "but if you want to hear a nice one, I do happen to have picked up a joke book over the summer, I thought it would be of particular use in-"
"A-hem!" came the noise of Samus clearing her throat.
"Oh, right, another time," the Master Hand muttered embarrassedly. "Anyways, of course, the Console Games! Some of you will be familiar with the phrase, but not everyone is, so for those of you who do know, please forgive the brief explanation I will now be offering.
"A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Mycrowsoft was the first school to host these games. The Console Games are a tournament, bringing together the three largest schools of smashing in the universe- the Super Smash Bros., Mycrowsoft, and Sohnee. From each school, a student was chosen to be their champion, representing their institution of learning as they fought their way through three dangerous tasks. The games would occur every four years, and each school would take turns hosting it. In this fashion, bonds were forged, hatreds forgotten, and friends made, and, in general, it was a pretty sweet deal for everyone involved- until that pesky death toll got in the way. Stupid death, always ruining everything."
"Wow, the author is making himself sound like a winnicott today," Mario muttered.
"Wait, I actually heard that right?" Zelda gasped. "He really said that the death toll was getting too high?"
Most of the hall, however, didn't seem to share her anxiety. When something so cool was going on, who cared about people who'd died all those years ago?
...I feel like there's some sort of allegory I should be making here, but I'm not certain what it is, so we're just going to move along.
The Master Hand continued. "It has been countless years since the last Console Games, but this year, the governments of our individual countries have decided that it is finally time to try again! Come October, Mycrowsoft and Sohnee will be arriving at our fair mansion with their chosen students! The selection of the champions by an entirely non-biased fourth party will occur on Halloween- the chosen students will receive the chance to win the tournament, glory for their school, a thousand gold coins in prize money, and a very nice set of luggage!"
Through the somewhat awkward silence following this statement, Mario turned, slight smile on his face, to where Kirby and Meta Knight were already planning on how to get themselves entered into these games. In fairness, though, they were far from the only ones.
"Now, there is a catch," the Master Hand added, drawing everyone's attention back up to him. "I find it an unfortunate truth that just about everything in life has a catch to it, so here's this one- only students of age 17 or older will be considered eligible to enter." Once again, the silence began to die down, as cries of outrage began to roar up from across the school, including Kirby and Meta's cries of "Bull! That's a load of bull!" so that when the Master Hand spoke again, he had to raise his voice quite a bit to make it heard. "This is a decision unanimously agreed on by all three schools, as, while rules are being changed to make the games less lethal than before, they will still be quite dangerous, and it is unlikely that students below senior year would be able to handle them. I will personally-" here, he cast a non-existant eye towards the Faron twins- "-be ensuring that no student below senior year may submit their name to our judge.
"As a few final notes, when the delegates from Mycrowsoft and Sohnee arrive, I expect you all to show them as much hospitality as you would any students from our own school, and to extend your full support to our own champion when they are selected. Now, it's getting late, and I'm sure you all want to be well-rested for the first day of the new year tomorrow, so off you go!"
"What, he thinks he's going to stop us?" Kirby and Meta Knight chanted in unison as they rose from their seats.
"Many have tried!" Kirby smirked.
"Many have failed," Meta nodded in agreement.
"And besides, we'll be the right age in just a few months- why not give us a shot!" they concluded.
"Seriously, am I the only one who noticed that he was talking about a death toll?" Zelda asked. "The point isn't age- it's being a senior!"
"Oh, what, you don't think we know enough now?" Kirby asked, acting offended.
"You wound us, Ms. Hyrule," Meta added, stroking his twin's back as Kirby pretended to sob into his shoulder.
"Besides, a thousand gold coins in prize money- I'd think that'd be worth a bit of risk," Link added, joining the debate on his brothers' side as they turned and began ascending the stairs.
"I just want to know who this 'impartial fourth party' is supposed to be," Mario considered. "Knowing our luck, that 'fourth' party stuff is supposed to be a clue that it's that winnicott, Gamer4..."
"That wouldn't be too bad," Kirby and Meta shrugged. "I mean, whoever that 'fourth party' is, their the ones we have to fool."
"The way it seems, the judge is just going to pick the best from each school, regardless of age," Kirby continued.
"So the Master Hand is just trying to stop us from submitting names to begin with!" Meta affirmed.
"And who would be easier to fool than Gamer4!" they chorused, prompting the author to rage quit.
"People have died!" Zelda interjected. "For crying out loud, am I the only one who understands this? People! Died! As in, death! Game over! No coming back!"
"Yeah, but that was years and years ago," Kirby waved off.
"Besides, where would the fun be if they were holding our hands start to finish?" Meta agreed.
"So, what of it, Mario?" Kirby added, turning to said pyromancer. "Link's on board- if we find out a way to cheat the system, you feel like throwing your name in?"
"Not sure," Mario shrugged. "I mean, sounds kind of interesting, but definitely something I'd have to think through- I mean, a few things to consider. I mean, they don't want you guys in, and you're juniors. I'm only halfway through my school career- hard telling if I've learned enough."
"Well, you can keep those games to yourself," came a new voice, and they turned to see Luigi following them up the stairs. "It sounds great and all, but I think I'll just watch, thanks."
Finally, the group arrived in front of the picture of a tall woman in a teal dress that guarded the Nintendo hub. "Password?" she asked, gazing down at them through the eye not covered by her blond hair.
"The crow caws at midnight," Link whispered to her, eyes raking back and forth shiftily.
The woman's eye closed halfway. "And the horn blows then, too, but that doesn't change that I need the password now."
"Stargate," Kirby put in. Rosalina nodded and swung forward, allowing them entry. In response to the surprised gazes from everyone else, Kirby simply shrugged and said, "A prefect told me."
As they entered the hub, they saw that not many people were choosing to linger there- most were just heading right up to their dorms. Zelda was the first to follow suit, casting a furious gaze around the room before heading up the stairs to the girls' dorms. Mario and Link shrugged at each other before heading up the stairs to the boys'.
They were the first ones up- neither Ness, Diddy, or Luigi had arrived as of yet, leaving them to casually lean back in their beds. Mario felt very relaxed- truth be told, he loved listening to the sound of rain on the roof. There was something comforting in it, though, if asked why, he thought he'd be unable to explain it.
"So, any last thoughts?" Link asked from his bed. "On the games, I mean. It would be kind of cool to enter, wouldn't it?"
Mario's imagination, unbidden, went into overdrive, imagining a scene where he really had won the games, with the whole school cheering, with Pauline Dama standing out in particular, highlighted amongst everyone else...
Intent on not revealing his inner thoughts, he simply said, deadpan as he could manage, "The name's still stupid, though."
XXXX
Oh, boy, just getting into all the yoshi-stuff, and I have the feeling I already offended quite a few people... I just want to let it be known here, real quick, that any views expressed in the course of that arc are not meant to imitate any real-life views of mine. This story isn't meant to start something or offend anyone- it's all just meant to be in good fun.
That said, I'm guessing a few people are already confused about where I'm going with Simon's characterization. Hopefully, things will become a little more clear in the next chapter, which, after all, will be more of an actual introduction than the little blurb he got here. In the meantime, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out.