This is the starting of my fall from grace
my self-esteem, it's seen better days.

-Andrew Belle-

James sat up with a huge yawn and reached over to his bedside table for his glasses. Stretching out his naked torso, he twisted around to crack his back and neck. When he finished, he yawned again and looked around the room. Until that point he'd been fine, a little annoyed that he had to wake up, but other than that, everything perfectly normal.

Except, that it wasn't.

Both Remus and Peter were sound asleep in their beds, but Sirius wasn't there…and there was nothing all right about that.

He didn't even lie to himself and try and think that he'd get used to it. His natural instinct in the morning was to check for Sirius. Sometimes Sirius would just be getting in, a sleazy grin planted on his face from the night he spent shagging some Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff. He would regale James with stories of his conquests, before passing out or jumping into his Quidditch gear. But Sirius's bed had been empty for a week now, and it never ceased to pain him.

James was happy that Remus was still a student, and that Snape was forbidden from telling anyone. It was a huge weight off his shoulders and absolutely fantastic news, but it still didn't put everything back to the way it was. Nothing was the same without Sirius. It had been a week, and he still wasn't anywhere close to being okay with it. He kept forcing himself to focus on everything else, but that was nearly impossible; there wasn't a single thing in his life that wasn't connected back to his best friend. James couldn't even go to Quidditch practice without being less than a few feet away from him. It was the worst thing he had ever had to go through.

James knew that he had always had a fairly easily life. He was spoiled since birth, became best friends with Marlene and the Marauders, became popular, aced all his classes, and was Quidditch Captain. His life was extremely blessed and he was extremely lucky, but that didn't make this easier. It actually made it worse, because he couldn't enjoy a single minute of it without his best friend at his side.

It was like someone had thrown him into a ditch, with every toy imaginable and an endless supply of food. He could survive and play with all the toys, but he would never thrive, because he didn't have his best friend to share it with. Hell, they could throw them both down there without anything and they'd get on just fine, they die from starvation with laughter still fresh on their lips.

That was the thing about a real best friend, people often called anybody they spent a lot of time with their best friend, but that wasn't it. When you are inseparable from someone, when you have to tell them a joke, or a tagline from your life, that's when they're your best friend. When you know you could depend on them in any situation and trust them with every shameful piece of information on you, that's when they're your best friend. Being best friends with someone is having an unbreakable bond with that person. James often heard students around him use the term loosely and he always resented it, because they didn't use it right. James would lay down his life for Marlene, Sirius, Remus, and Peter without any hesitation. He would put their lives in front of his without any notice or warning. Because being best friends with someone is loving someone more than you love yourself.

And now, the highest person on that list was…gone.

He'd like to think that he'd done the honorable thing for Remus's sake and cut every trace of Sirius out of his life, but in doing so he cut out such an irreplaceable part of himself. Everyday for the past seven days now he just felt raw, unsettled and angry.

Eventually, James picked himself up and forced himself to take a shower, the one place where he could deal with all of this thoroughly. Taking off his boxers and glasses, he placed a silencing charm on the door, and did what he had done every day before this. James coldly trudged into the shower, turned it on and began screaming. He let out everything; every ounce of daggering rage was projected at the white brick walls. He demanded to know why this had to happen, and how the hell he was supposed to get over this. And then, when his voice grew hoarse and his body grew weak, he would let the jets of scorching water wash over him as he crumbled to the floor. No one could see him, and no one would ever know, but James Potter had never looked as pathetic and alone as he did then. There were no take-backs, no second chances; this was the lonely life Sirius had trapped him into living, one Marauder down.

"I'll see you later," Marlene stated, shifting her bed curtain to see him

Sirius nodded staring up at the ceiling, his face distant and drawn.

All week he hadn't shaved, barely showered, and never left Marlene's bed unless she dragged him out. He wasn't Sirius Black anymore. Sure he looked like him, he had the same rugged, good-looking body, the same strikingly attractive face, but the spark was gone. The spark that made women everywhere consider giving up everything just for a chance to be near him. Sirius Black was a man that made everyone want to step up his or her game and become more daring, without him the world was a little plainer.

Marlene frowned, full dressed in her gold and crimson school uniform. "Sirius, I'm not trying to be cruel, but you can't stay in here all day again. You have to go to class. You have to try to make this better."

He let out a heavy sigh, but still didn't look at her. He was beyond caring about class or anything for that matter.

Crossing her arms, she came to the conclusion that she was going to have to get mean. She wasn't going to coddle him anymore; he needed to get his shit in gear, and letting him just avoid all of his problems by staying in her room all the time wasn't going to help anyone. Sirius had to get up and fight…he had to do something.

"Sirius, staying in bed two days in a row isn't just pathetic. It's cowardly. Now get your fat ass out of bed!"

"McKinnon," he growled, his voice two tones lower than normal. "Don't."

"Don't what?" she scoffed crossly. "Tell you the truth? You want me to just lie to you? To let you stay here without any concern for your wellbeing? To let you just sit out on your own life?"

Sirius flatly said, "Yes."

"Well I'm not one of your slags! I'm not going to let you destroy yourself!"

"Don't you think you're being a bit melodramatic?" he asked darkly.

"I would agree if I hadn't had to clean up your vomit after you blacked out last night," Marlene shot back.

Sirius slowly placed a pillow over his head, and muttered, "I don't know what you expect from me."

"What I expect," Marlene began, fiercely ripping the pillow off of his face, "is for you to get off your ass and get your friends back!"

"I've tried!" he shouted finally. "They just ignore me!"

"Well, that happens," she said bluntly, tired of his moping. "You did something bad, and you deserve to be punished, but you can't let that keep you from trying at all."

Sirius leapt to his feet, his eyes wide with resentment, "Quit nagging me! You're not my girlfriend!"

She openly laughed at that. "You're damn right I'm not! I'm not your wife, your girlfriend, or your mother. I'm your friend, and I'm telling you to get your cowardly ass up and fight for the rest of your friends before you lose them!"

Sirius threw his hands up in frustration. "I've tried everything, Marlene! I LITERALLY don't have a SINGLE CLUE what do to."

"Clearly," she said, throwing him his uniform. "But you're creative, think of how you wronged them and what would equal to that as a form of apology."

"Like what?"

"FIGURE IT OUT!" she shouted finally, tossing her bag over her shoulder and walking out.

Sirius sank back on Marlene's bed in shame. Of course she was right, but he didn't have the faintest idea what to do. Every time he went to Quidditch practice everyone but Marlene ignored him. James even had the cruelty to refer to him as, 'the other Beater,' when he had to address Sirius for something. The whole thing had become so cold, so unfeeling, that it began to remind him of his family. Once again, Sirius Black was a disappointment. It wasn't a surprise after this many years, but in this case it stung differently. Sirius's confidence stemmed from the fact that he didn't care what anyone else thought about him, but that didn't work with James. He was the first real friend he'd ever had. The only friend, besides Marlene, that had ever cut through his bullshit and saw who he truly was. And even James had finally discovered what Sirius already knew: that he wasn't worth the effort, and in the end, Sirius would always find away to fail him.

Last night, he'd tried to drink away his sorrows, but Marlene stopped him. He didn't understand her. Over the course of the year, he had come to terms with the fact that she was actually his friend, but he had no idea that anyone would put this much effort into it. He kept expecting her to come back and tell him to leave. To tell him that he was a selfish monster that didn't deserve to be around anyone else. It actually threw him off that day after day she slept only inches from him, asking nothing, but that he go to class, Quidditch and shower occasionally. Why didn't she see he wasn't worth caring about? If James didn't want to be friends with him anymore, he didn't see how anyone else would want to be.

Still, he knew he should at least get up and go to class, if not for himself then maybe for Marlene's sanity. So he forced himself to brush his teeth, to wash his face, and to change into his uniform. He didn't want to do it. He wanted to stay in the comfort of Marlene's lavender-scented bed forever, but he didn't, because deep down he knew she was right. Though he would never say it to her face.

"Hey, guys," Marlene sighed, sitting in between Alice and Mary, and across from Lily and Dorcas. "What have I missed?"

"Well," Dorcas began dryly, "you are forty minutes late to breakfast, so you missed…absolutely nothing."

"Nice," she snorted.

Alice was writing a letter to her left, her soft brown hair cupped her face as she focused on the latest love note to her boyfriend Frank. On her other side, Mary was giving her a pensive look.

"You alright there, Mary?" Marlene asked before taking a bite out of her toast.

"Are you going to Hogsmeade next weekend?"

Marlene shrugged, "Maybe, why?"

"I need to go, but Prewett is going to visit Longbottom."

"What do you need to get?" Marlene asked in between sips of coffee.

Mary bushed her sleek hair out of her dark face, pulled out a list from her bag and said, "Quills, ink, books and dress robes for the end of the year ball."

"You want to get those now?" Marlene furrowed her eyebrows in confusion.

"I figured if I'm there, I should just take care of it now," Mary told her briskly.

Marlene nodded, "Well, I can go with you."

"Thank you, I would appreciate that." Mary revealed a rare smile and said quietly under her breath so only Marlene could hear, "I have no idea what looks good with my skin tone."

"Really?" Marlene marveled, thinking of her out of uniform outfits. "You usually have excellent taste."

Mary snorted. "My sister took me shopping and told me what went with what."

"I see," Marlene grinned, nudging her shoulder. "Well, I have you covered."

"Good," Mary said diplomatically, going back to reading her copy of The Daily Prophet.

Marlene couldn't help but think that Mary would make an excellent Minster of Magic. Her no nonsense attitude, brisk work ethic, and unquestionable morals would do the country a great deal of good. It would certainly be interesting to see, but just as Marlene began to imagine her State of the Union Address, she overheard Dorcas and Lily debating which the best breakfast food was.

"The choice is clear, Lils," Dorcas stated promptly, her deep brown eyes unwavering. "Toast with a pot of tea is the way to go."

Lily jilted out her chin determinedly, her red hair falling down her shoulder as she spoke. "No, Dora. The correct answer is eggs with orange juice."

"Are you two seriously arguing about breakfast?" Alice laughed under her breath.

"Oh, go back to your snog letter!" Dorcas waved her off easily, before glaring at Lily. "But I'm right."

Lily matched her glare with a smirk. "How could you prove that?"

"I'll take a poll. Bitches love polls. They will line up to tell me how soothing tea and toast is."

Marlene busted out in laughter, running a hand through her golden hair. "Bitches love polls? Really?"

Dorcas opened her lipstick-coated mouth to reply something sly and quick, but her eyes narrowed and she didn't say anything. She waited, like a cobra stalks its prey before attacking. Both Lily and Marlene turned to see why shadows of loathing and darkness had appeared on Dorcas's face. As soon as they turned and saw a Ravenclaw uniform with blonde hair attached to it, they knew exactly why Dorcas looked the way she did.

"Word on the street, McKinnon, is that Black has been sleeping in your bed for the past week," Emmeline started innocently, her face seemingly curious and simple, though her tone was anything but. "I was just curious as to why that was, just between us girls…" Emmeline bent over, her pale blue eyes boring into Marlene's.

"Word on the street, Vance," Dorcas cut in viciously, "is that your slaggy ass isn't allowed over here!"

Emmeline scoffed, flung her white-blond hair over her shoulder, and strutted away.

Marlene covered her face, doubling over in laughter, "Dora… You kill me."

Dorcas was still glaring at Emmeline, her lips puckered in the picture of hatred as she lowered back down into her seat. "Stupid, two-faced—"

"Do you even remember why you are mad at her?" Lily asked suddenly with an unmistakable look of delight.

Dorcas froze, and then after a long pause said, "Yes!"

"Merlin," Marlene laughed wiping the tears of laughter of her face. "You shot her down so hard."

"Really, though," Dorcas said, resting her arm on Lily's shoulder for emphasis, "what is going on? I've noticed Potter sulking around all week."

Marlene shrugged evasively. "It's not my business."

"The sluttiest boy in Hogwarts is sleeping in your bed every night," Dorcas deadpanned. "I'm prrrreeeetty sure that's your business."

"Look, during the day, he's on his own. I just give him a place to sleep," she said darkly, not wanting to discuss it further.

Lily asked, "Mar, do you know what actually happened though?"

"Look," Marlene began sharply, "even if I did know, it doesn't concern either one of you. So please bugger off with the questions."

"Testy," Dorcas noted with an intrigued expression on her face. "I would love to know what it possibly could be that would have sent the world in such chaos!"

Marlene finished her breakfast and set her with a look. "Dorcas, please leave it."

"Fine, fine," she said raising her hands defensively. "But we and Peroxide Head aren't the only ones who have noticed, you know."

"What do you mean?"

Lily chimed in, "The whole school is talking about it. This is the longest anyone has gone without seeing Potter and Black together, and it's freaking people out."

"It is not!" Marlene exclaimed.

"It is!" Lily said. "I heard some fourth years talking about how this is going to hurt Gryffindor's chance to win the Quidditch cup."

Marlene's face settled into a deep frown, but just said, "James and Sirius are best friends, they've always been best friends, and they will always be best friends. At the end of the day, they will realize that and put the rest of this crap behind them."

Dorcas leaned forward to ask more questions, but Lily put a hand on her arm and shook her head silently to stop her. There were a lot of things Lily didn't agree with Marlene on, but after seeing how destroyed James was, she silently hoped that Marlene knew something she didn't. It was strange; she had never particularly liked James and Sirius. Actually, if she were being honest she could say she spent a great deal of time hating James and Sirius, but that still didn't change the fact that somehow their friendship had become one of the main structures of their school. It wasn't natural not hearing them shouting over everyone else. It wasn't right that Lily didn't see them running around with laughter fresh on their lips. Without the pair of them off causing trouble, the whole school seemed so quiet and…lifeless.

In all her years at Hogwarts she always thought things would be much simpler and better if they just were homeschooled for a year. But now that she had a taste of what that would look like, she didn't like it. For a long time, Lily felt that it was better for things to be calm and quiet, to take joy in the little things. Living near Sirius and James all these years had subconsciously instilled in her that she didn't have to limit her fun or excitement in life for it to exist. The thing that stuck with her most, though, was the idea of their friendship. There was an underlying belief in the pit of her stomach that two people could never really stay close friends for long. Of course, her personal experiences altered her point of view on the subject, but watching them together had given her some much-needed doubt. It told her that if two people cared enough, they could hold onto a relationship. To see that break in such a solid foundation rattled the whole school, but it surprised Lily that the ripples of it had affected her, as well.

She tried not to look at James. Despite what had happened, she wanted to remain civil enemies with him, nothing more. The longer she sat at the table the stronger the urge became. What was the matter with her? Why did she care at all? Dorcas and Marlene already moved onto a different topic beside her, so why couldn't she move on with them?

Tentatively, glancing at Dorcas and Marlene to make sure they didn't notice, she looked over at James. It was quick at first; just a fleeting second, but once her eyes hit his face, she couldn't look away. He hadn't touched his food, Remus was trying to talk to him, but James would just occasionally nod, never interjecting anything constructive or acting even remotely like himself. It looked like he was drugged. His hazel eyes that usually sparkled with mischief were flat and emotionless. And if there was one thing Lily knew about James Potter, it was that he wasn't ever emotionless. This new James was exhausted and constantly drained, like just doing normal things were straining him.

"Lil," Marlene called. "Come on, we're going to be late for Charms."

Lily shook her head and smiled. "Yeah, sorry…just drifted off for a bit."

"Well, come on!" Dorcas laughed dragging Lily to her feet, despite the fact that she was around the same size as Lily.

Lily allowed Dorcas to link arms with her and even skipped with her to class, but her heart wasn't really in it. For the rest of the day, for the rest of the week really, her mind kept drifting to James and wondering if he was okay. She wanted to talk to Marlene about it, but she was worried that she might take it the wrong way. So instead, Lily said nothing and decided she would stay out of it. Potter was leaving her alone; she needed to learn to see that as a blessing.

But she couldn't.