Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date.
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course, untrimmed;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,
Nor shall death brag thou wand'rest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to Time thou grow'st.
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.
[William Shakespeare -
Sonnet 18 - „Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer's Day]
Dana looked out of the window while the taxi driver guided them through the busy streets of London. The silence seemed oppressing but she didn't know what to do or what to say. Stella had not said a single word since they had left the hospital and Scully kept telling herself that it was just the pain medication slowing her down, making every movement excruciatingly exhausting. The ride back to Stella's place was long, longer than she remembered it to be. Scully wondered how she had walked the whole way, when she recalled that she had taken the tube at some point.
She had already forgotten about such meaningless details; so much had happened within the last couple of hours that it seemed ages away already.
She tore her gaze away from the window, away from all the strangers on the street, away from the grey and cloudy sky and felt a spark of anger within her. A simmering feeling that slowly turned into full blown rage against the person who had done this to Stella. Carefully she turned her head as if she was afraid to make any noise. Stella's head leaned against the window, her eyes closed. A couple of minutes later the taxi pulled up in Stella's street and they got out of the car. She followed Stella into the flat, wondering what to do. She felt stupid; having dealt with these situations before she felt like she should know what to do. It shouldn't be such a big deal but then again it had never really affected a person that she cared for so deeply.
Stella stood in the middle of the living room, looking lost and shattered.
"Talk to me," Scully almost begged her; the silence was too much to bear.
"I... I'm sorry," Stella said calmly. "I don't know..."
She took a deep breath, almost wincing at the sharp pain inside her tummy. She didn't know what she wanted or needed, feeling numb and empty. She felt stupid for even allowing it to throw her off the tracks like that.
Scully stood in front of her, slowly approaching.
"Don't be," Scully said softly, holding out her hand.
Stella took it without looking at Dana; she was reluctant, trying to figure out what to do. She felt lost and needed something to hold on to but she also knew that, the moment she allowed that to happen, she would break and she wasn't ready for that either.
„I think I'll… I'll just lay down for a bit," Stella said and Scully nodded, giving her some space. She left Stella to herself, making tea in the kitchen. At this point she wasn't aware that this would now be their routine for the next couple of days and that nothing would change.
Scully woke by the sound of a door being slammed shut. She was slightly startled and it took her a couple of couple of seconds to shake the sleep from her body. She leaned on one hand, finding the bed next to her empty. She got up, stumbling out of bed when she heard the faint sound of retching coming from the bathroom and she relaxed just a little when she realized that it had been Stella and not someone else.
She sighed and softly knocked on the door, opening it to find Stella curled up by the toilet, hugging the rim as her body was tensing with the effort. Scully heard the toilet flush and stepped inside.
„Stella," she said softly, but she didn't even look up.
Stella put her head on her hand, eyes closed. Scully carefully approached her and brushed a strand of hair from her forehead, that was damp with sweat. It only took her a few seconds to be sick again and Scully held her hair, wondering when she had eaten the last time because it sounded terribly painful.
She had dealt with an endless number of sick patients during the course of her career but one thing she never got used to was caring for a sick person she cared for deeply. She felt nervous, trying to figure out what to do and not just fuzz around. She reminded herself to remain calm and quiet; she looked at Stella and it made her heart ache. She was pale, her cheeks were flushed and her skin was covered in cold sweat. She was shivering, looking terribly exhausted.
Scully knew that Stella didn't have a lot of food and it was probably the lack of it and the amount of pain medication that had caused her to be sick. Stella groaned quietly. Scully stepped away, soaking a washcloth with cold water and Stella didn't even protest when she touched her damp forehead with it, sighing softly. Scully put the cloth in her neck and helped her to her feet.
Stella stepped over to the sink on shaky legs. She put her hair in a bun and splashed her face with water.
„How long has this been going on?" Scully asked.
Stella shook her head.
„Not long," she said, sounding hoarse. „I just woke up a couple minutes ago, feeling… feeling very sick," she said and put both hands on the sink, trying to take slow deep breaths.
She inhaled slowly until the queasy feeling passed; Scully left the bathroom to grab the fluffy blanket from the couch because she had a feeling they would be spending a bit of time in there. She returned to find Stella kneeling in front of the toilet while a fresh wave of nausea washed over her. Scully held her hair back with one hand, while holding her shaking body with the other.
Scully tried to soothe her, reaching for the washcloth to dab her clammy face. A couple of minutes later they sat on the cold floor; although Stella was shivering the cold of the tiles was quite a pleasant feeling. She closed her eyes, trying to concentrate on not being sick again. There was nothing left inside of her and it felt like every muscle in her body was aching; her jaw hurt from where she had been hit and the bruises on her stomach were throbbing as a cruel reminder of what had been done to her.
She leaned back, felt the soft fabric of the blanket around her shoulders and tried not to cry. She felt empty and exhausted and the whole situation just seemed too much at the moment and although she had isolated herself since they had returned from the hospital she knew that she wasn't alone and she couldn't be more grateful for that. She didn't even want to think about what she might have done, hadn't it been for Dana. If there had been no one around to keep an eye on her, to try be there for her although she pushed that person away, she would have succumbed to the terrible demons and she didn't even want to think about the awful consequences.
She shivered, drifting in and out of sleep. The position she found herself in wasn't the most comfortable one but she didn't trust herself to leave the bathroom just yet. She felt weak and queasy and she didn't want to move. The next time she opened her eyes, her head was resting in Dana's lap. Her hand absentmindedly playing with her hair and it felt strangely soothing.
„You feel a little bit better?" Scully asked softly, blinking against the bright light. She must have dozed off at some point; she didn't even know what time it was and it felt like they had spent all night in here.
Stella nodded; she wasn't sure but maybe a little bit of sleep in a warm and comfortable bed would be better than a cold bathroom floor. Slowly they rose and Scully reached out to steady Stella; it was almost 4am when they returned to bed. Stella turned away from her, curled up on her side of the bed. She had expected to drift off to sleep as soon as the nausea eased off but instead she found herself shivering from a cold that came from somewhere deep within.
„Tell me what you need," Scully whispered softly in the darkness.
„Just… I'm so cold," Stella said and Scully lifted the blanket to cuddle up to Stella, spooning her.
She wrapped her arm around Stella; felt her shivering body relax a little in the embrace. She gently kissed her on the cheek and closed her eyes. It didn't take long for Stella to fall asleep in her arms and Scully hoped that she wouldn't be sick anymore, giving her the chance to sleep through the night without being disturbed.
Scully listened to Stella's deep and even breaths, the guilt keeping her awake. She was supposed to watch Stella, to make sure she would get better but she had done the opposite. She had allowed her to sleep the day away without eating anything while she took the pain medication that she had been prescribed in the hospital. She should have known that, should have paid attention and she hated herself for not having been more cautious. She leaned her head against Stella's shoulder and closed her eyes. She needed to watch her use of medication and make sure she ate something in the morning.
The next three days passed in a haze of oblivion and silence. Scully tried to pull herself together, tried to take care of Stella but she seemed to be somewhere else; far away where Scully couldn't reach her. After their brief encounter in the bathroom Stella had turned away from her, trying to deal with the pain quietly. She would sleep the day away, reassuring her that everything will be ok if only she slept a little longer, but nothing ever happened. Scully watched her, trying to reach out but nothing seemed to get through to her; she found herself unable to look at Stella at some point.
She always thought that the pain was the worst thing but that would fade eventually. What hurt even more was the helplessness that she felt at this point. All her efforts seemed to fall flat and nothing seemed to make Stella better and, whenever she allowed herself to get lost in the tormenting feeling, she wondered whether going on would be worth it. She was tired and ready to give up but a part of her knew that she would never give up on Stella.
All the shame, anger and guilt seized her because she had let it, leaving her unable to fend it off. Her heart was tired and her body exhausted but she needed to remind herself why she had to keep going.
Dana sat down on the couch, trying to take a deep breath. It was eerily silent, quite oppressing so. She had already expected it although a tiny part inside of her had hoped that it would be different. She had promised Stella to be back in a few minutes, told her that she would walk down to the bakery to get some coffee and fresh bread but the truth was that she needed to get away from it all; she needed to get away from Stella and out of the house.
She had opened her eyes this morning feeling strangely drained with no energy left. She couldn't breathe, she could hardly move at all. She had got out of bed quietly and got dressed in a haze of pure exhaustion and sorrow; a dark and never-ending emptiness that was consuming her from within. She wanted to stay and tell Stella that everything would be okay in a couple of days and that she would be with her whenever she needed it because it was the truth and Scully knew that she wouldn't run, she just couldn't bear it at the moment. She needed a few moments to gather her thoughts and take a deep breath.
She had left the flat without looking back, slowly walking down the empty street. It seemed to take longer than it usually did, her feet barely leaving the pavement while she walked. Something was holding her back, slowing her down mercilessly. A part of her knew what it was that suddenly caused her so much pain. It was an old wound that had needed years of healing that was now breaking open little by little.
She couldn't bear seeing Stella like this because it broke her heart. She knew that things like these happened, that there would always be hard times but as of now she slowly found herself incapable of coping with these moments. She needed Stella to be okay; they needed each other but she just couldn't tell her right now.
She had tried to take care of her but somehow she felt that all her efforts went unnoticed and unheard. She had lost track of the many hours she had laid next to Stella, barely touching her because she couldn't take it. She had laid next to her, enduring the horrible silence while Stella stared into nothing, lost in her own world. Scully knew that she was trying to protect herself from the pain without realizing that she was causing the worst of it herself. She would lay next to Stella, listen to the calm sound of her deep breathing but she seemed so far away and Scully had never felt lonelier, invisible even.
She wanted to tell her that she loved her because there was really no other way to describe what she felt but it didn't seem to be the right time. She wanted Stella to talk to her and tell her what scared her so much so that they could fight it together.
Scully wanted to tell her how helpless and frustrated she felt and how furious she was; at the person who had done this to her and at Stella and the whole world around her. She needed to be angry, to blame someone for the misery because it was all she seemed to have left. She had watched Mulder slip into a depression, that had eventually broken them apart after decades because they had never been able to address it and work on it together. It had torn them apart, leaving their relationship shattered beyond repair. She would always love him, she knew that, but the sad truth was that she would never go back because it was nothing more than a sad memory of what could have once been.
She could not let that happen with Stella because she wouldn't survive it a second time. She wouldn't be strong enough for that which is why she needed her to be okay more than ever.
Scully took a deep breath that caused a sharp pain inside her chest. There was so much pressure that inhaling was nearly impossible but she forced herself to focus and remain calm. She looked at her hands, trying to find the strength to get up but she couldn't do it. What she didn't tell Stella was how lonely she felt, how invisible it made her feel and that every part of her body was aching with the effort to get up in the morning.
It didn't happen often because she had once learned to control it and focus on the positive things but every now and then, when she was too weak and worn out, these thoughts would seize her and drag her down a dark path. It was the times when she doubted every decision she had ever made, when nothing seemed right and when it felt like her entire world was falling apart around her. These were the times when no piece of clothing seemed to be fitting, when nothing ever tasted the way it should and when she couldn't understand that anyone would ever be able to love her. These were the times when she hated Mulder more than she loved him, when she missed her little baby with all her heart and when she quietly cried for her mum to be there to hug her. These were the times when she felt imprisoned inside her own body.
She felt lost; she wouldn't even tell Stella that she had called in sick at work about a week ago and that she had talked to her dear friend Elizabeth, a highly-appreciated colleague at the hospital. She had always been there for Scully, from the first days when she had started working in the hospital. She was a few years her senior, always reaching out and making sure that everything was going well. She had already noticed that something had changed in Dana's life but she had not wanted to pry, giving her some space.
Scully would never tell Stella that she had called her friend, telling her that she was incredibly exhausted and that she felt lost and didn't know what to do. She had told her that she needed a break, some time to think and gather her thoughts. It was then that Elizabeth had asked her if everything was okay in this soft and deeply caring voice, just like her mother used to do, that Dana had crumbled and broken down. She had cried into the phone for a few minutes with no one to hug her and reassure her but her dear friend Elizabeth had listened because that was all she could do at this very moment. Scully didn't tell her everything, just a few pieces here and there and they both knew there was a lot more to it but it had to wait. Elizabeth had told her to take a deep breath, talked her through it until she had been able to calm down a little. Scully had promised to tell her everything once she got back to Oxford because she trusted her and she needed someone else to confide in and she knew that couldn't be Mulder.
She sat in the quiet living room, knowing that Stella was still in the bedroom. She didn't expect her to be anywhere else and she felt that invisible wound throbbing inside of her, almost making her feel nauseous. She thought of Mulder and how she had called him, trying to find yet another excuse to stay with Stella. He had asked about work and she told him that she had called in sick, she could tell that it didn't make sense to him and that he was slightly irritated when she told him not to come to London. He knew about the accident but he didn't seem to understand what repercussions it had and why it affected Scully so much but she had shut him out and there was not so much he could do at this very moment. She had reminded him of the many times she had waited by his bedside when he had been hospitalized, reminded him that she had waited for hours and that it wouldn't have been quite so pleasant if he had woken up alone.
In the end she had sat on the couch for almost two hours; it was dark by the time she finally found the strength to get up. She fought against the pain and the emptiness, slowly rising from the couch. The coffee had long gone cold and been forgotten about. She wasn't hungry any more although she hadn't had any food all day but she didn't care. She was tired and weak, feeling terribly lost. She couldn't say what she wanted or needed any more. She had stared into nothing, her mind feeling empty and too loud at the same time; there were far too many voices yelling at her, begging her to be strong and asking for too many things she couldn't do.
She stood in the doorway of the bedroom and the image was just as sad as it had been predictable. Now that daylight was gone the only light came from the small lamp on Stella's bedside table, casting a soft glow into the room and Scully was surprised that she had bothered to switch it on at all. Stella was lying on her side, staring out of the window. She had not changed her clothes and Scully was certain she had not left the bed at all today, again. She had lost track of time somehow, everything appeared to be moving just a little bit slower in here.
Stella had not eaten in a while, had not changed her clothes or taken care of herself in any way. She had promised Scully she would do so, had reassured her and told her that she would do it while Scully was at work but it had never happened. In the end the attack had simply pulled the rug out from under her feet, leaving her broken and hurting. Scully understood that she was scared and felt vulnerable and that these were things she didn't deal with very well because she didn't know how to handle these feelings but she knew that she could no longer allow Stella to succumb to these demons and give in to the depression that kept her prisoner inside a very lonely and disconsolate cell. She had to get her out of it, could no longer allow her to give in to the consolation of isolation and drugs. She needed Stella as much as Stella needed her even though she couldn't say it right now.
Scully couldn't take it any longer because the whole scene reminded her of dark times in her own past and she couldn't let that take away another person she loved; this time she couldn't wait until everything broke beyond repair. She felt the anger and the blind frustration boil within her, taking one last breath before she walked into the room.
„Get up," she said strangely calm and walked around the bed.
Stella blinked, looking surprised for a moment and Scully wasn't even sure that she had noticed how long she had been gone. She opened her eyes, felt the fatigue clinging to her body like a dead weight that kept her in place. It felt like tons of bricks slowly crushing her. She couldn't move, let alone lift a finger because everything hurt. It kept her from eating and even sleeping properly although that was how she had spent most of her days but she never felt rested.
„I said:‚Get up!'" Scully said a little more intense and Stella blinked, slightly confused.
Scully saw that she had lost a little bit of weight, that there were dark shadows under her eyes although she had been sleeping for days.
„I will," Stella said calmly.
„Now," Scully said, trying to remind herself to stay calm.
She was angry, knowing that this feeling was fueled by fear and deep concern. She pulled the blanket away from Stella, tossing it aside. Stella immediately missed the warmth of it, slightly shivering at the cold. She was confused and a little afraid even, by the sudden change of atmosphere. She had never seen Dana angry and it scared her; she didn't know what to do. She had hidden in her bedroom, in the safe and warm confines of her bed, pretending that nothing else could harm her. She had been ignoring the truth and the world out there and it was helping for the time being. It was a mixture of pain medication and ignorance that had kept her going through the day whenever she woke up.
„Dana, don't…" Stella begged her quietly. „It will be okay," she said and it sounded ridiculous, even to her own ears.
„It hasn't been okay for days," Scully said and took Stella's hand to pull her to her feet. Stella took her hand away from Scully's, hugging herself; she couldn't even look at Dana.
„Don't do this," Stella said quietly, close to tears all of a sudden.
„Don't do what?" Scully said, her voice rising. „Watch you sleep all day and waste away? No, Stella."
„I just… need… I need a little bit more time," she said quietly and shook her head.
„You need to stop this now," Scully said and reached for Stella's hand, pulling her towards the bathroom.
She knew that Stella briefly thought about fighting her but she had absolutely no strength left. She entered the bathroom with Stella behind her, turning on the shower.
„I said I will be fine," Stella said a little louder, sounding almost desperate.
Scully stepped in the shower, taking Stella with her and for a moment it was quiet. They were both stunned by the sudden feeling of hot water soaking their clothes, trying to breathe through the strange sensation. Scully felt a sob rocking her body, feeling guilty all of a sudden.
„Look at you!" Scully almost yelled, carefully cupping Stella's face with both hands. „Look at me, for god's sake," she said, her voice breaking.
She forced Stella to look at her and it felt like she finally did for the first time in almost a week. She looked at Stella; her eyes looking shiny, reflecting all the pain she carried inside of her.
„Don't do this to me, Stella," Scully said, her own pain and sorrow taking over her actions. „You can't do this to me," she said a little quieter, almost begging Stella to come back to her.
„I need you to be okay because I really can't deal with this again… I can't… I'm not strong enough to do this again, Stella," she said and tried to blink the tears away while the warm water poured down on them.
„I need you to be okay, please," she whispered softly and put her forehead against Stella's.
Stella closed her eyes, trying to breathe through the pain inside her chest. It suddenly felt like it had been an eternity that she had been this close to Dana, the first time since the attack that she actually looked at the woman in front of her. It felt like she finally woke from a nightmare, the fog slowly lifting around her to allow her to return to the present.
A time where she was standing in the shower; fully dressed and terribly exhausted. She had allowed this to carry her away from where she needed to be, had allowed this vicious attack to scare her and breach her protective defenses so much that she forgot about the woman she loved and she had never even considered that she might be hurting too. She had not thought at all, had silenced the voices inside her head with pain medication until it became almost too much to bear.
She tried to breathe and a sudden rush of fear ran through her body. It was the realization of what was going on at this very moment, the truth slowly sinking in and she was afraid that all of this wouldn't last much longer and that she was losing Dana and she couldn't let that happen.
„I'm so sorry," Dana said softly and the tears, that ran down her cheeks, mixed with the hot stream of the shower.
„I'm sorry I yelled at you," Scully said because she had never meant to be so harsh; never considering that she might scare Stella like this.
„I'm sorry this happened to you, you have every right to be miserable and angry… I wish… I just wish I could take it all away from you," Scully said softly.
Stella bit her lip, felt her defenses slowly melting away. She knew that she could no longer hide in her room and pretend that nothing had happened, she couldn't hide from Dana any longer.
„It breaks my heart seeing you like this and I want you to get better," she said and her thumb softly caressed Stella's cheek. „But I need you not to hide from me," she said.
Stella felt the pain inside of her, slowly raising her arms to lay them around Dana. She had been afraid of that ever since the terrible attack; she had had pushed Dana away, thinking that the physical contact would weaken her but now she started to realize that maybe this was exactly what she needed. She stepped closer and laid her arms around her waist, slowly putting her cheek against Dana's. A quiet sob rocked her body, turning into something she couldn't fight off any longer. She felt all the pain, that she had pushed away, flood her body and it was painful but she knew she wasn't alone.
„Don't give up on me," Stella whispered into her ear and then she said something that she had not said to anyone in decades:
„I need you, Dana," she said, leaning against her. „I need you."
Scully carefully wrapped her arms around Stella, holding her tight while she quietly cried against her shoulder.
„Let's take this off," Scully said after a while and helped Stella out of her soaked clothes, tossing them aside.
She tried not to look at the slowly fading bruises that adorned the pale skin of her stomach and face.
„Will you be okay?" she asked and Stella nodded wordlessly.
Scully placed a soft kiss on her forehead before she stepped out of the shower, leaving the bathroom without looking back. She felt like she needed a moment to herself, a second to breathe and she didn't even care that she was still dripping wet, wearing her soaked clothes that clung to her like a second skin. Slowly, she threaded to the small guest bathroom on the other side of the flat, leaving a wet trail behind.
She stripped off all her wet clothes and looked in the mirror. She had a sudden flashback to the first night she had been here; she had been crying and her wet hair had been all over the place but a couple of months ago the reason for her sorrow had been a different one.
Her mascara was smudged and her eyes were glassy and red; she was naked and shivering against the cold. Although it seemed like nothing had changed at all she knew that, deep inside of her, many things had changed and there was a reason why she had been so angry with Stella. She had been afraid to lose her because she loved Stella and it was the most wonderful thing that had happened to her recently.
She dried her hair, put it in a bun and left the bathroom, found a pair of fluffy socks, fresh panties and an oversized sweater that felt cozy and warm. She opened the window in the bedroom, the cold January air flooding the room. She took a deep breath, feeling strangely calm somehow. She looked at the bed and started to take the sheets off to put fresh ones on while Stella was still in the bathroom. She found her favorites; white sheets, with tiny grey flower ornaments on it, that smelled fresh and clean.
Later she took the cups of cold coffee from the table; she also grabbed the bag of chocolate croissants that she had bought. She knew that Stella still had to be careful with the food she ate but she used to like these so much. She got rid of the cold coffee and left the bag on the counter. It didn't take long for the smell of fresh coffee to fill the kitchen and it was slightly comforting and soothing. A couple of minutes later she heard Stella entering the kitchen and took a deep breath before she turned around; still feeling a little embarrassed by her outbreak earlier.
Stella walked in, quietly hugging Dana. She leaned against her, the warmth of her body utterly soothing. She took a few deep breaths, slowly inhaling the familiar scent.
"Thank you," Stella whispered against the crook of Scully's neck where the skin was still warm and soft.
„I missed you," Scully said, knowing that something had changed and maybe they were finally on the right path again.
„I missed you too," Stella said, slowly relaxing in Dana's arms.
„Would you like some coffee?" Scully asked.
„Yes, please," Stella said.
She still didn't feel very hungry but she knew that she needed to have food in order to get better. The coffee actually smelled nice and maybe she should give it a try. She sat down by the counter and watched Dana move around her kitchen, serving her a cup of coffee. She smiled at the fact that Dana seemed pretty much at ease, knowing her way around and she thought that she could get used to it.
She put the cup of coffee in front of Stella while she curiously inspected the bag.
"I didn't know whether you'd be hungry," Scully said and sat down on the other side of the counter, holding her cup with both hands.
"I thought I wasn't," Stella said. "But I might change my mind about that." Scully softly smiled over the edge of her cup. She could tell that it took an awful lot of strength for Stella to do this, pulling herself together and trying to get back on the right track and Scully admired her for that.
Stella sipped her coffee before she put her cup down, inhaling deeply. The warm liquid filled her otherwise empty stomach and it didn't feel quite so bad.
"Dana," Stella said softly. "What did you mean when you said you couldn't do it again?"
Scully took a deep breath, felt the pressure on her chest return. She knew that it was bound to come up sooner or later, she just didn't know where to start.
She looked into her cup of coffee, trying to avoid Stella's gaze for a moment. Stella watched her curiously, realizing that she wasn't the only one who had been hurt in this and it made her heart ache that she had allowed it to drag her down, neglecting Dana on the way.
"It's just... I don't even know where to start," she admitted. "When I started working with Mulder he seemed so full of excitement. I admired how dedicated he was to his work and how invested he would be," she said with a sigh, remembering the early days that had marked a lifelong change.
"Although I was mostly skeptical at first I allowed him to convince me and it was contagious somehow," Scully explained. "There was so much going on and at some point I realized the truth behind his determination."
"What was it?" Stella asked.
"He was looking for his sister," Scully said, feeling a wave of sadness and sympathy wash over her. "She disappeared when they were younger and alone at home," Scully said quietly.
"The whole time he was trying to find out what happened to her... At some point he even went so far as to believe she had been abducted by... Aliens," Scully said and couldn't believe that she had just said that out loud. She hesitated, waiting in case Stella would laugh at this but she didn't.
"It took him years. Years until we finally found closure or at least I thought that was what it had been," she said, returning to the past. She chose her words carefully, trying to avoid her own part in all of this. She wasn't ready to tell the whole story just yet.
„I guess she's dead?" Stella asked and Scully nodded.
„Yes, but we never found out what really happened," she said and Stella slowly started to understand what she was getting at and what she had meant by saying that she couldn't do it again.
"He just couldn't let go," Scully said with a trace of bitterness in her voice. "He couldn't accept the fact that she was dead, he just kept looking for... Something," she said and Stella slowly started paint her own picture of what it must have been like for Dana; always being in second place while he was chasing a ghost.
"He never let go, getting involved in government conspiracies that eventually led to both of us running from the FBI," she said. "At first I didn't have to but I knew they'd never leave me alone, knowing that I would most certainly know where he was. We just had to wait until they dropped the charges against him."
"You gave everything up for him," Stella said without the slightest hint of an accusation.
"I did," she said. "Until I couldn't take it anymore," she said and looked Stella straight in the eyes. "I worked crazy hours at a hospital and quit the FBI once and for all. I considered it a good distraction until I lost myself in it."
She still didn't have the heart to tell Stella about her child and how lonely she had been. She was trying very hard not to think about William because it would break her apart.
"I was miserable and I hated all if it," Scully said. "I worked until I was exhausted because I couldn't bear to see Mulder at home."
She sipped her coffee, remembering these days as if it happened yesterday.
"There wasn't much he could do, except for getting lost in just another theory of what might have happened. It was the depression and his unwillingness to seek help that finally broke us apart," she said quietly.
"I tried and tried again but I barely had strength to pull through myself, I couldn't do it for both of us," she said and looked at Stella, silently begging for her to understand.
Stella let her hand slide across the counter, reaching out for Dana's.
"I left because I couldn't take it any more," she said and her voice was full of pain and rejection. "I wasn't enough. In the end I wasn't even enough worth fighting for," she said and it broke Stella's heart because no one ever deserved to be treated like that. She also understood what Dana had done for her: she had fought for Stella.
Stella slid off her chair, walking around the counter to hold Dana in her arms.
"Let's get out of the kitchen," Stella said and a few moments later they were snuggled up on the couch.
"I didn't mean to push you away," Stella said and turned to face Dana.
„I understand it," she said quietly, remembering how she had pushed Mulder away when everything was too overwhelming but she also remembered the pain that it had caused her.
„You are enough," Stella said calmly, her thumb soft caressing her cheek. „I promise not to give up on you, Dana."
Scully leaned in, placing the softest kiss on Stella's lips, careful not to hurt her.
„You need to talk to him," Stella said after a few minutes of silence and Scully closed her eyes. She knew that Stella was right and they both deserved it; he shouldn't be lied to like that.
„I know," Scully said with a sigh.
She wasn't sure what scared her so much because she knew that she wanted to be with Stella, she had made her decision but she didn't know how to tell Mulder. He had been a constant in her life for such a long time, the one thing she had always relied on and the fact of letting that go, although it had also caused her an incredible amount of pain, scared her more than she liked to admit.
Was she afraid of his reaction? Or was it simply the knowledge of him being alone when she left? What would there be left in his life if it wasn't for her?
„You can't stay with him just because you think it's the right thing to do," Stella said as if she could read what was on her mind. They had addressed this topic every now and then but Scully had always managed to avoid the truth.
„What do you get out of it if your heart isn't in it?" Stella asked.
„It used to be," Scully said absentmindedly. „A long, long time ago…"
„You deserve more than this," Stella said softly. „You deserve so much more than this," she said and Scully felt the pressure on her chest return because she had heard these words before, many years ago.
Scully turned on her side, facing Stella.
„I feel like… this is where I need to be," she said, almost laughing at how emotional she seemed at this very moment. Maybe it was the exhaustion talking for both of them or maybe it was time not to deny the truth any longer.
„I just wish I wasn't so scared," she admitted.
„You got away from it once," Stella said. „How did you end up going back? And coming to England?" She had asked that question before, back when they were still getting to know each other but she felt like she had never got an honest answer.
„He asked," Scully said. „He asked me to come with him and I agreed because that's what I always did… and because I was lonely. I didn't have anything else."
„You are not alone now," Stella said, wondering if she'd be able to deal with all of this but in the end she'd never know if she didn't try. She'd lie saying that she wasn't scared but she felt like she needed to do this now.
„When do you have to go back to work?" Stella asked after a while and Scully shrugged.
„Still on sick leave," she said, putting her head on Stella's shoulder. „But I need to go back to Oxford tomorrow to take care of a few things."
„Thank you for staying with me," Stella said, thinking that no one had ever done such a thing for her and that she had never allowed anyone to do so at the same time.
Scully knew that she had to get away from Stella for a few hours to clear her head; to face Mulder and to talk to Elizabeth because not being able to share what was on her mind threatened to overwhelm her sooner or later and she needed to get it out. She felt like it was something that shouldn't be discussed on the phone.
„You wanna get out and get some fresh air?" Stella asked because she felt like they both could use some time out of the house.
„That sounds like a good plan," Scully said.
About thirty minutes later they were dressed, bracing the cold while they walked through the fine mist that rained down on them but no one seemed to mind.
„So," Stella said while they approached Gail's Bakery. „Tell me about that Doctor, what was his name?"
It took her a few seconds to get what Stella was referring to and she tried not to smile, a soft blush creeping to her cheeks.
„Dr. Anderson," she said and cleared her throat. „Said that you are a very lucky woman."
„That much is true," she said and smiled at Dana.
She knew that, with everything that had happened in her life not just recently, she was incredibly lucky to be standing here with Dana. There were times in her life when she had been certain she wouldn't make it through, when she had been ready to give up and let go. To be standing here with Dana, in the rain, was something she had never considered possible in the slightest and it was everything she could have asked for.
She turned to stand in front of Dana and kissed her on the lips, carefully so it wouldn't hurt but the pleasant feeling outweighed and she allowed herself to get lost in the moment. It was the very first time she had kissed her in public during daytime and she didn't give a shit about who might see them. For the second time that day she entered the bakery, it was late and they were about to close for the day so they grabbed a quick cup of coffee, slowly heading back to Stella's.
They spent the rest of the night cuddling in comforting silence and for the first time in over a week Stella slept a little calmer. They said goodbye the next morning and Scully promised to call as soon as she was done and Stella reassured her that she would be ok. The thought of being alone in the flat unsettled her a little but she decided to pull herself together and visit Irene later that day, it had been a while since she had last seen her and there was a lot to talk about.
She had texted Elizabeth on the way back to Oxford, asking if it was okay to come over before she returned to Mulder. She drove out all the way to Summertown on the other side of the city, quickly making her way to the front door before the rain soaked her entirely on the short walk.
„Hey," Scully said softly when Elizabeth opened the door.
She welcomed her with a pleasant smile that immediately warmed Scully's heart. This wonderful woman had always had the ability to calm her and make her feel at home and Scully wondered why she hadn't turned to her months ago when she had been so terribly lonely but a part of her had always felt that she was bothering her and she didn't like that feeling.
„Come in, darling," she said and ushered her in, quickly closing the door behind Dana.
„Thank you," Scully said and took off her wet coat, handing it to Elizabeth. She looked at the older woman, trying to find something to say but actually she just wanted to hug her.
„Come here," Liz said, pulling her in for a hug. „You do look like you had a bit of a rough time," she said with a sigh.
„That bad?"
„Come on, I'll make you some tea," she said and led Scully to the living room. A couple of minutes later she was curled up on the couch with a cup of tea in her hands.
„What happened, Dana?" she asked a little more serious but full of concern. „I know that something has been going on. I'm not an idiot, you know."
Scully chuckled softly though it didn't reach her eyes, wondering how much Mulder had noticed. Was he really that oblivious or didn't he care at all?
„It happened a while ago, back in September," Scully said, her finger gliding along the edge of her cup. „I was… I wasn't doing very well back then. I felt lonely and everything just felt like too much."
„Why didn't you talk to me?" Elizabeth said and reached for Scully's hand but she just shrugged.
„I didn't know what to say," she said and looked at her. „Do you remember that bad storm we had back then?"
„Yes, I think I do," she said. There hadn't been anything quite so bad in a very long time.
„I was running late at university. I didn't want to go home but I waited too long and got caught right in the middle of that nasty storm," she said. „It was dark and late and it was cold. It was raining and I was run over by a cyclist."
„Did you get hurt?" she asked although she knew that it wouldn't make much of a difference now.
„Bruised knee and scraped hands," she said, lost in thoughts. „That's when I met her for the first time," she said and all of a sudden the softest hint of a smile appeared on her lips.
„Her?"
„Stella," she said softly. „She was on her way home and I must have been in a pretty miserable condition and I was right on her doorstep. She asked me in, telling me I shouldn't be out in the storm…"
„What happened?" she wanted to know although it was obvious that she had fallen head over heels.
„It was… it was strange," she said. „I was so emotional and confused and Stella was," she took a deep breath. „I don't know what it was but I felt that something about her intrigued me. At the same time I was so scared and insecure, I didn't know what was happening…"
„So?"
„She gave me dry clothes, made something to eat and we talked a little, she was a stranger after all," Scully recalled that night without mentioning their little encounter in the bathroom.
„And then…" Scully said and sighed, biting her lip while she avoided Elizabeth's gaze.
„She kissed me," Scully almost whispered, softly smiling at the memory. „I was surprised at first but… it felt wonderful and comforting and I enjoyed it."
„But?" she asked, feeling that this was not the end of the story.
„I chickened out," she said apologetically.
„Oh, you didn't!"
„I was confused so I left and I… I felt guilty," she said. „I left, knowing nothing but her first name and I spent the whole way back crying because I felt guilty and because I thought I would never see her again."
„But you did," Elizabeth said with a smile. „Maybe it was meant to be, I still like to believe that everything happens for a reason."
„You are a hopeless romantic," Scully said.
„Is that such a bad thing?"
She spent the next thirty minutes telling her about everything that had happened and it didn't work without Scully shedding a few more tears now that she was coming to the point that had caused her to break down over the phone not too long ago.
„I don't know what to do," Scully said and looked at the ceiling, wiping the corner of her eyes with her pinky.
„Oh, I believe you know that very well my dear," Elizabeth said with a smile. „You are just scared," she said and they both knew this was true. „And that's ok, but you can't keep doing this for much longer. It really isn't fair to anyone involved and I think you know that."
„I never meant for any of this to happen," she said tried to hold the tears back.
„But it did and now you'll have to deal with it, Dana," she said softly but determined. „No one else will do it for you. You'll just have to pull yourself together and do the right thing."
„What if I don't know what that is?" she asked and Elizabeth sighed softly; Dana looked exhausted and lost somehow.
„Do you love her?" she asked out of nowhere and Scully looked up. „You heard me, do you love her?"
Scully had thought about it before, had even quietly admitted it to herself but she had never said it out loud because that meant that there was no going back.
„Yes," she whispered. „Yes, I do."
„Then I think you know what to do," Elizabeth said. „I know it's scary, everything new is, but it'll get better."
„I just wish," she said quietly, put the cup of tea aside and hugged her knees. „I just wish my mum was here," she whispered. „I miss her so much."
„I'm sorry, sweetheart," she said and sat next to Scully, putting arm around her shoulder.
„I think you need to give yourself a little break," Elizabeth said. „You look exhausted."
Scully nodded, knowing that there was no reason to deny this and if there was one person to see right through it, it would be the wonderful woman next to her.
„I really don't feel like myself most of the time, it's driving me crazy," she said, sounding a little frustrated. „I feel like… I'm all over the place most of the time and I don't even know what I'm doing."
„You just have a lot going on right now but you need to think of yourself, don't get lost in this," Elizabeth said.
„Wouldn't be the first time," she said more to herself.
„You need to talk to Mulder."
„I know," Scully said and wiped her cheek with the back of her hand. „I know that."
„Promise you will call me if you need anything," Elizabeth said a little later. She held Dana's face in her hands, looking at her. „You are never bothering me," she said. „I don't want you to feel lonely, okay?"
„Thank you," Scully said and bit her lip.
She hugged Elizabeth and made her way back to the car, knowing that she could no longer avoid going home to Mulder. It felt good to talk to someone, to tell someone else about Stella but it also left her with an uneasy feeling. She knew she couldn't keep it a secret for much longer.
He was waiting for her when she came home and she could tell that he wasn't happy. She had been gone for a week and she hadn't called or texted him at all. She knew it hadn't been fair but there was but there was nothing she could do about that now.
„Look what the cat dragged in," he said calmly.
„Mulder," she said with a sigh because she wasn't in the mood to pick a fight.
„You couldn't even let me know that everything was okay after you told me not to come to London? You just disappear for a week without a word?"
„Well, it's not the first time we've done this to each other," she said and took off her coat, regretting it the moment the words left her lips. „There was nothing you could have done."
„I really don't understand you sometimes, Scully," he said and she sat down on the couch, feeling defeated. „You just disappear for a week and expect me not to ask questions?"
„She's my friend, Mulder," Scully said with a hint of an apology in her words. „I just… needed to be with her after the accident. Do you remember how many hours I have spent by your bedside whenever you had been hurt?"
„Yes, you've mentioned that," he said.
Scully sighed, wondering where this was going.
„Mulder, please," she said. „I'm here, now."
„Alright," Mulder said and she couldn't even blame him for being angry at her. „Welcome home, Scully," he said and left.