Ch. 13: Quid est Deus?

The university cafeteria food was usually hit or miss, although given the variety, even a picky eater like Yuri or a vegetarian like Monika could usually find something at least decent. As such, the three friends had stopped by to get dinner before returning to their dorms for the night. However, they had stayed in the cafeteria a little too long, and it was getting late, or rather, it was only nine thirty, but they had classes the next day, and washing up before bed and after waking usually took some time.

"Hey Sayori?" asked Yuri as they entered their dorm elevator.

"Yeah what?" replied the outwardly cheerful redhead.

"Did you still want to go over the notes for class tomorrow?"

"Oh! Yeah, I totally forgot about that. Didn't you want to study sometime this evening?"

"Well yeah," said Yuri, "But since it's kinda late I'm just making sure."

"Well yeah, sure- I mean, if you two don't mind," she said looking over at Natsuki.

"I'm good with anything," Natsuki replied with a shrug, "I have class tomorrow as well, but I don't mind staying up 'til midnight or whatever."

"Great," said Yuri with a smile, "Even though it probably won't take that long. So we can just go to our dorm?"

"Actually, I need to get my book- and drop off some stuff," said Sayori smiling while placing the tips of her index fingers together.

The elevator arrived at their destination and Natsuki groaned. She hit the button for Sayori's floor. "I'll get out and unlock our room," she said, "Better than riding this slow-ass elevator all the way down and back." She quickly slipped out of the doors before they closed again.

Sayori and Yuri took the elevator back down to the second floor where Sayori and Monika's dorm was located. They got out, ran down the hallway and got to the door only to find that it was locked.

"That's odd," said Sayori jiggling the handle, "Monika is usually home, especially at this hour."

"Where do you think she is?"

"I- don't know. Maybe she wanted to go to the library to study, although it's not too noisy here. Or maybe she went to get dinner, but it is kinda late for that."

"Do you have your keys?"

"Oh yeah," said Sayori suddenly as she reached for her wallet, "Forgot for a second."

She gently opened the door only to find the room almost exactly the way she always left it. Oddly enough, however, Monika's backpack was lying on the ground meaning that she was likely not studying. Sayori looked over the scene but dismissed it. Monika would likely be back after a while, after all, her absence wasn't too unusual. Still, she promised herself that she would call Monika if she didn't return by the time Sayori was done studying. Sayori gathered up her books and notes, then turned and walked out, locking the door behind her.

She and Yuri headed upstairs, this time taking the stairs, and found the room also empty. However, from the sound of running water coming from the bathroom, it was obvious that Natsuki had simply gone to take her shower. Sayori was suddenly aware of her own need for a shower after spending so much time in a tree in the afternoon. Yuri sat on their fluffy carpet-rug by her bedpost and Sayori took the opposite side. They both took out their notes and texts, including a copy of Spinoza's Ethics. In class, they were studying the great enlightenment rationalists, particularly Baruch Spinoza.

"So what do you think about it?" asked Yuri.

"Ehhhh…it's systematic, I'll give him that."

Yuri laughed, "Yeah, kinda dry though."

"Totally."

"Good thing we're only reading the first two books, right?"

"Yeah, but even so it feels more like I'm reading a math problem or an instruction manual than a book," said Sayori tossing her notes back on the carpet.

"Yeah, I think that was the point," said Yuri, "I may be able to help though. Was there any parts that you just didn't understand?"

"Why anyone would write like this?"

"Come on, seriously."

Sayori thought about it. "What's it mean by a 'substance'?" she asked at last, "I mean, when most people talk about 'substances', it's usually a polite way of saying 'drugs,' and I'm pretty sure the book's not talking about acid. Although, to be fair, I'll probably have to be on acid to understand it."

Yuri laughed a little, "Yeah… no, it's not talking about drugs. What it means is simply something that can exist in itself."

"Run that by me again."

"Okay look," Yuri thought about it, "Think about color. It cannot exist except in another thing. Like my hair is blackish with a touch of purple. This purple color does not exist just floating around in space outside of anything- contrary to what H.P. Lovecraft would have you believe."

"Uh…"

"Sorry, bad time to make a reference you wouldn't even get. Anyway, the point is, if a thing depends on something else to exist, then it is not a substance."

"So you're saying that like colors can't exist wherever, but they have to be in something else. Meaning that things have to be colored."

"Basically, yeah," said Yuri.

"But what about a rainbow? Or a light projector?" asked Sayori in confusion.

"Well even for those the color is in something else. The water droplets bend the light and then the light itself needs a source. Even then, color can only exist if your eye, nervous system, and consciousness perceive it."

"Huh. So basically color cannot be a substance, but only the stuff that is colored that makes the experience possible?"

"Well-"

Sayori held up her book. "Like this book? It's not a hologram or anything, so it's a substance right?"

"Not really. You still need paper to exist before it can take the shape of a book."

"Wh- that's cheating! It's a solid object."

"Still counts," said Yuri smiling in a somewhat sadistic amusement, "but still, can you think of anything that just exists without depending on any underlying feature?"

Sayori thought about it. "The fundamental matter, or the smallest subatomic structures of matter?"

"Well close, but that still needs space to exist in."

"Wait, space counts?"

"Of course. I said anything- even it it's not a particular thing."

"Oh, then space itself," said Sayori confidently.

"But space is only a part of reality as a whole. After all, matter is separate from empty space."

"Wait, you said reality didn't you? Doesn't that count? Reality itself?"

"Good job, you figured it out," said Yuri, "See? I told you it wasn't that hard if you just think through it and rigorously apply each concept."

"But wait," asked Sayori going back on her earlier confidence, "What if we are all living in some type of simulation?"

"Wait what?"

"Yeah! What if we're all living in some type of big computer simulation?"

"Sayori," said Yuri somewhat sarcastically, "You need to stop watching Rick and Morty."

"Heeeeeey! I think that show is even stupider than you think it is," replied Sayori, "But seriously, what if we were all living in some type of demonic video game? Or this is all a dream?"

"Like in the Matrix or some shit?"

"Basically, yeah."

"Well I guess I should have said 'ultimate reality," replied Yuri.

"Ultimate reality?"

"Yeah, like what reality is really made of."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I mean…" Yuri paused to gather her thoughts, "What if this is all a dream? We have no way of telling, but this dream has to depend upon something existing to have the dream. Like, something or someone has to exist in the ultimate reality to have the dream."

"But what if that reality is just a big artificial computer program?"

"If we live in some giant computer game put together by some insane creator, then even the computer that we exist in must have ultimate reality in itself."

"But what if that computer is just another program which is in a bigger computer?" challenged Sayori.

"Computerception!" said Yuri giggling.

"Seriously though, I know it sounds like an old meme or an overused gag, but what if?"

"Well either way, whatever is the 'biggest computer' is part of the ultimate reality. You can't have an infinite chain of computer simulations inside of computer simulations."

"So basically 'substance' is just an esoteric way of saying 'ultimate reality.'"

"Pretty much," said Yuri.

"And so this is why there can only be one substance? Because it is reality, and so if there were another thing existing, it would simply be a part of the much greater reality?"

"I think so," said Yuri sightly thrown off by the wording of Sayori's question.

"And this one substance must be infinite as if it were limited, it would have to be limited by something which would have to be part of reality. Like what you said earlier, if there were just something floating around in space, it would still be limited and contained by space itself, which is also a part of reality."

"I think you're getting it," said Yuri.

"And Spinoza calls this ultimate reality God or Nature?"

"Well yes."

"But why?"

"Why what?

"Why is it called God when it is not? And why is God identical with Nature?" asked Sayori confused, "Like, it's just a thing- it's just reality. Why is it God?"

Yuri took a breath and thought about it. "I think," she said at last, "It all has to do with his definition of what it means for something to be God."

"What do you mean?"

"...Well," she said at last, unsure of how to proceed, "The great medieval philosopher-theologians defined God as 'that which necessarily exists' or 'the first cause,' and they further defined it as something that is absolutely infinite. That is to say, it's like the computer example, in order for something to exist, it has to depend upon something else. God is that which all things depend upon- the first cause and ground of all existence. God is the Ultimate Reality."

"But… they thought God is separate, right? God is not the universe, for God is completely unknown."

Yuri nodded, "The medievals did, and Spinoza just took their arguments to their logical conclusion. If God were separate from reality, then one or the other would not be real. You cannot have two substances, and you cannot have two ultimate realities. And, really, while reality itself is ultimately unknowable, we can still describe it- just as the medievals thought that God can be called loving or good."

"Yeah… I guess you're right. Reality really is unknowable in itself," Sayori thought back to the many mysteries that plagued her one short existence.

"Yep, see? It's not too hard."

"Maybe not for you," said Sayori, a little disappointed, "This whole line of reasoning just seems fishy. I guess abstract thinking doesn't come as easily to me."

"Sayori, you're a first year student who has had no experience in this type of stuff until this year."

Suddenly, as quickly as Sayori's disappointment came, it vanished. "Oh yeah, didn't you say that you had background in classics and stuff before even high school?" she said casually shifting the conversation away from herself.

"Well, yeah," replied Yuri, "did I ever tell you that my family is Jewish?"

"You rarely mention them at all," said Sayori, "Plus I thought you said a while back that they were nonreligious?"

"Both are true, actually. My parents were atheist Jews. They placed an emphasis on our traditions and customs, even though they were not religious in the sense that most people are."

"Wait, I know that non-religious Judaism is a thing, but how does that even work?"

"Well… it… it's confusing. The explanation is that even if God is not or at least not the God of our scriptures, we can still keep up the traditions of our ancestors. I'm pretty sure that there are people like this for all religions though. But yeah," Yuri took a breath as if trying to put something difficult into words, "The traditions and scriptures make it clear that the central tenet of Judaism is the adherence to one God. I just couldn't understand how we could adhere to the normal customs while the most central one is missing. I guess that's why I don't consider myself to be Jewish or an atheist anymore."

"So you believe in Spinoza's God? Like Einstein did?"

"Um, well, to an extent-" Yuri scratched the back of her head, "Look, can we stop talking about this?"

Sayori's face turned red. "Oh I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to pry- I just figured, you know, since you know so much about-"

"That's okay Sayori. It's natural to ask these types of questions between friends- and even sometimes between casual acquaintances. I don't consider it to be rude, after all, religion is one of the main things that makes humanity what it is, and in this society, due to politeness, it is a major facet of a person's life that is often overlooked or stereotyped. And some people just don't fall into any clear category.

"Oh," continued Yuri, "But I get why you would wonder how I know so much about this stuff. When I was young, because my parents are rather wealthy, we had a large library. In this library were all sorts of books, including Jewish classics. We had not only the Hebrew Bible and the Talmud, but Kabbalah texts and the works of great Jewish philosophers, such as Philo of Alexandria, Avicebron, Maimonides, and, of course, Spinoza. When I was younger, I was not a normal kid- I'm still not normal, let's be honest-"

"Hey! Don't say that! You're alright," protested Sayori.

"It's okay," said Yuri shrugging, "I've always known that I was a bit off compared to everyone else. As you know I never made friends much as a kid and would often spend my recesses reading a book rather than playing with the other girls. I used to read books that I had found in my parents library. And, so, that's how I became acquainted with ancient history and and the thought of these cultures."

Sayori thought about it. "Was it worth it?"

"Pardon?" asked Yuri in confusion.

"I just mean is being different worth it?"

"Um, I'm not exactly sure how to answer that-" began Yuri before she was interrupted by a playful voice.

"Hey what are you two philoso-fags going on about?" asked Natsuki barging out of the bathroom wearing her normal pajamas.

"Oh, hey Nat," said Sayori happily, "just finishing up. We were talking about all existence and nonexistence needs a sufficient reason and the reason for reality requiring a necessary existence claim in itself and-"

"Ew, that sounds gross," she said opening up her mini-fridge and taking out a bottle of chocolate milk before flopping on her bed.

"A-ny-way," said Yuri trying to get back on track, "do you think you understand it now?"

"I think I do," said Sayori, "But, I know we talked about this in class but where does this all go? Or really, why?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, even if you are able to give a satisfactory explanation for why the universe is, why is the universe the way it is?"

"Well, as we touched on in class, Spinoza believed that the universe was orderly, that is to say without logical contradiction. And really, that makes sense, as logical contradictions are impossible in a technical sense. But the end result was to see reality as ultimately determined- every day, every raindrop, every beam of sunlight, every birth, and every death, all playing out based off strict logical necessity with no possibility of deviation. Even the contents of our mind, all playing out their predetermined cadence until death, when there will be no more thought or action."

"And… we're supposed to be happy with this?"

"Well, not exactly, but as everything is determined from the beginning, we shouldn't waste time seeking happiness and the love of temporary things and people, but instead focus on living in accordance with virtue. Things that give happiness cannot be controlled, so one can only find happiness in intellectual virtue."

"So… the idea is that all the bad things that will happen in our lives and our reactions to them are predetermined, and so are all mental states, and our deaths are predetermined as well, and that other people are also temporary, so we should not seek happiness in them, but just focus on making the right choices- even though these choices ultimately lead to the same inevitable result?"

"That's pretty close to it," confirmed Yuri.

"So reality gives us the illusion of choice, even though the end is set from the beginning….That still sounds like we're living in some type of evil game that's rigged from the start!"

Natsuki yawned loudly.

Yuri shrugged, "You don't have to accept it, in fact, I think that an inherent unpredictability and randomness is an essential feature of reality, but surely you can see how some would find comfort and even long for a completely logically ordered reality."

Sayori thought about it. "I guess so, but it seems to me that this is just one big excuse to escape choice."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if everything is determined, our individual choices are meaningless and of no consequence, but if we live in a world of infinite choices, every action defines our reality while eliminating an infinity of possibilities. This whole scheme seems like an excuse to deny this responsibility."

"Existential dread!" shouted Natsuki dramatically, "Anguish!"

"Perhaps," said Yuri ignoring her obnoxious friend, "Anyway, I think we both understand this well enough, and we can study again closer to the exam if you think we should."

Sayori nodded and checked the time. "Yeah, it's getting late. I should be going to sleep. Goodnight!" She began to pack up her things.

"Goodnight," said Yuri.

"'Night," said Natsuki as she shot her milk bottle into the trash can.

"See you tomorrow, oh- and I can't wait for us to go out for your birthday!" she said as the door closed.

"Oh yeah," said Yuri after the door had closed, "I'd almost forgotten about that."