Slowly, people come to the Church of Arnold for its free medicine. They come in ones and twos, not the crowds that had been expected. They have leprosy, or Karposi's sarcoma lesions, or swollen growths, or racking coughs. They're the sickest of the sick, with nowhere else to go. In fact, Kevin hears of a small controversy where Gotswana was reluctant to give medicine to an emaciated, sore-encrusted beggar. "I convinced him to give the man what he would give anyone else," Mafala explains. It irritates Kevin that he only mentioned this to everyone after the fact. Their congregation still has some issues sharing information, it seems.
Kevin tries to pay attention to the new prospective members: to remember names, to remain humble when receiving praise, to reiterate that you don't have to join the Church of Arnold to get medicine or a hospital stay. But he's always near Arnold, who's always near Nabulungi; they'll kiss, or joke, or flirt with each other, leaving Kevin frantically ignoring the ache in his chest. He watches the villagers—Mafala, Gotswana, Effu, Sister Ameya—get more placements than he's gotten this past month. Even Nabulungi manages more, and she's planning a wedding at the same time.
He speaks his prayers to God out loud with Arnold every night: give us the wisdom to distribute our wealth wisely, keep bringing people so we can help them, let us serve them and show Your love and grace. Inside, he prays, I'm doing what I can, God. Can't you reward me just a bit? I'm not asking for a baptism, just a placement or two—something to show me I'm on the right path.
I am on the right path, aren't I?
I need to be patient, he reminds himself. I'll get better at turning it off the more practice I get. In a few weeks, I'll be fine.
On p-day, Kevin, Rob, Mafala, Arnold, Nabulungi and Gotswana start the drive into Kampala for the marriage licence. The Church of Arnold finally has enough money to get the maggots removed from Gotswana's scrotum.
On the second day of their journey, the blankets in the hotel rooms they rented are twitching with fleas.
"Shit," Nabulungi grumbles. "We'll have to stay in our jeeps." That means posting a watch "for lions. And hyenas. And hippos." Kevin smiles at Nabulungi's joke until she shudders and says, "They're some of the deadliest animals here."
They put mosquito netting over the tops of the jeeps. Kevin stretches out in the back, trying to sleep as Arnold keeps watch. Nabulungi sweet-talked her father into taking her shift with Arnold. Kevin has to endure torturous hours of conversation about how excited they are, how they love each other so much, what they think the ceremony is going to be like. The worst part is when they stop talking, and all he can hear are spit-swapping, panting and murmurs. Kevin wants to vomit.
Turn it off. Arnold will stop being your friend if you don't turn it off. His nausea gradually abates. Kevin begins to tune them out.
He can't tune out the lion's roar in the distance. He flinches so badly that Arnold says, "Hey, Elder Price." From his tone, Arnold doesn't think Kevin caught them making out. (In an effort to be a good best friend, Kevin never mentioned that he's an incredibly light sleeper so Arnold wouldn't feel self-conscious about his snoring.) Kevin definitely won't set the record straight.
Kevin grunts in greeting and sits up. The full moon is bright enough that he can see their silhouettes. "Do you think we should get moving?"
"No," says Nabulungi. "They are far enough away. There's a river in the north where they like to hunt. And, as the rest of the village would say, you two are a lucky charm against lions." She chuckles. "I still cannot believe that we got away with that one."
"It was pretty awesome," Arnold agrees. To Kevin, he says, "See, buddy—told you she's with me and not the prophet."
Kevin and Nabulungi both start at the same time. He can see Nabulungi turn her head to watch him, but it's too dark to see the expression on her face.
"You said that, Elder Price?" Nabulungi says, bewildered.
"OH!" Arnold yelps. Kevin hushes him, and he lowers his voice. "That's not what I meant. Elder Price just mentioned that your dad might be thinking that, back when Elder Hatimbi didn't want us to get married. Of course he never said that—he just wanted to make sure I could see things from your dad's point of view. He was very good at it. He made it so I never really got angry with your dad, even when he was being so mean to you and me."
Silence falls. A lion's roar breaks it a few times. Kevin tries to swallow, though his mouth is dry. He finally says, "Praise Christ that your father came to his senses and gave your marriage his blessing." After Nabulungi flatly repeats "Praise Christ," Kevin continues. "I've spent some time with him lately, and I've heard how sincerely remorseful he is for the pain he caused both of you."
"He just doesn't want to lose someone as awesome as you," Arnold says. He grabs Nabulungi's nearest hand in his own. "I can understand that."
Nabulungi fondly says, "We should keep track of those lions, my love." The next day, Kevin stays out of her way. He catches her eyeing him from time to time—she seems to look thoughtful, not angry, which means she's a better actor than he ever thought she was.
Kampala is a riot of crowds and colour after the small towns and villages they've been visiting—and a banquet of food. They stop to eat at McDonald's. Arnold moans ecstatically at his first bite of his quarter pounder, and Kevin admits he understands the feeling at the first taste of his salt-encrusted French fry. They eat intensely, and finish with soft gasps and appreciative murmurs. Kevin finds himself licking his fingers like he's six years old again, eager for every grain of salt and smear of ketchup.
"When I get back home, I am going to eat all junk food, all the time," Arnold announces; Rob and Kevin nod, Rob with the same glazed look in his eyes that Kevin probably has.
After lunch, Rob pulls out his list of the mundane things they need in the mission and the village. They make stops at a wide variety of stores, picking up everything from plastic bowls to party supplies, to bug spray and deodorant. Then they bring Gotswana to the hospital for his scheduled surgery. Gotswana sweats terribly as he waits.
After Gotswana makes Mafala swear he'll treat his corpse right so he won't come back as a ghost, Rob intervenes with, "Don't worry, Elder Hareffi! You'll be in our prayers—and the prayers of the prophet." After a moment's hesitation, he puts a hand on Gotswana's shoulder. "What could go wrong?"
Irritated, Gotswana glances at Rob's hand; Rob removes it a second later, jamming both his hands into his pockets.
"No offense, Elder McKinley," Gotswana grumbles, "but keep talking and, if I die, I will haunt you especially."
Rob retreats, his cheeks pink.
Everyone prays as the surgery goes on. Kevin felt so sure that God existed when He brought Elder Cunningham back from the mission to get medicine; now, just days later, it's harder to believe. What happened to me? Kevin reflects for the millionth time.
Five hours later, the doctor comes out and reports a success. Mafala volunteers to stay at the hospital to be there when Gotswana wakes up. Rob will take Nabulungi to stay with Effu Kimbay's parents and join Kevin and Arnold at the hostel later.
They check in; it doesn't look like the beds have fleas. Arnold immediately pulls out his journal and gets to work on his wedding vows. He's been so wrapped up in Nabulungi that he hasn't made any real effort.
After a few moments of staring at a blank page, Arnold says, "I'm not worried! I'll come up with something on the spot, like I always do." Despite how not-worried he is, he begins to look more and more so as the moments tick by.
"If you need some help..." Kevin forces himself to offer.
Arnold shakes his head. Randomly, he asks, "Hey, buddy, are you into anyone?"
The muscles on Kevin's back tense. He plays dumb. "Huh?"
"Like, romantically?"
There's something wriggling deep inside him, something spiky that sends little jolts of pain through him with each twitch. It makes it hard to think of anything to say; he watches Arnold, knowing he'll explain himself eventually.
"Because I remember from that website that asexuals can still have crushes and be in love and stuff. Being in love is the best thing ever! And when you find that, I just want to say go for it, and who cares about anything else. Okay?"
Kevin can only manage a very quiet, "Thanks." The word sounds rough, like it's scraping past all the words he really wants to say on its way out. Arnold, of course, doesn't notice.
Kevin tries to turn it off. But he can't help but flash back to Arnold in Mafala's jeep as the villagers drove him to what could be his death. He swore a blue streak then—screaming the worst words he knew to an empty, uncaring sky—and he feels like he's still swearing, deep inside, every single time he thinks of Arnold's wedding.
I am not thinking of Arnold Cunningham and love, he vows.
Rob joins them an hour later. Kevin, in his undergarments, feels a sudden worry that Rob might check him out; fortunately, when Rob talks to him, his gaze always rests on Kevin's face. After a while to reflect, he concludes that it wouldn't be the end of the world of Rob did check him out. Kevin glances at his own body. His muscles have lost a lot of definition—Kevin exercises when he can, but having calories to burn is a luxury he doesn't usually have, and the heat saps a lot of his energy. His abs actually have a thin pad of fat over them.
Too many Poptart breakfasts, Kevin thinks dismally. Maybe Rob isn't checking me out for a reason.
The next day, they sign the marriage licence. Gotswana can't be too high on painkillers for this—he sweats profusely, and his skin has a greyish tinge. Though Nabulungi and Arnold are gleeful and brimming with excitement, it's a rather dull affair. Spitefully, Kevin hopes his pen runs out of ink when he signs as a witness. It doesn't. Gotswana gulps down pills the second they're done and falls asleep in the jeep.
"So, Dad," says Arnold as they leave, "got any advice about marriage?"
Mafala smiles. "Ah, yes—happy wife, happy life."
Arnold tells Kevin later that he "wanted something more African-y. Like, a lion metaphor or something."
After that, they go pick up food for the wedding feast. The concept of whole stores—with air conditioning!—devoted solely to food feels a bit foreign.
Rob has a list of food from the villagers. He begins with unripe plantains, only to stop as Nabulungi shakes her head and hands him a bunch that's much riper.
"We are going to be eating these at the wedding feast. If they are not ripe enough, the dish does not work."
Rob chuckles as if she's said something quaint. "Well, not every bunch of plantains..."
Nabulungi looks blankly at him. "This is the list for the wedding feast, Elder McKinley."
Rob looks alarmed. Waving the list about, he says, "But the food on this list could feed the village for a week! We can't cook it all in one day! The fridge at the mission isn't big enough to hold all this!"
Gotswana, Mafala, and Nabulungi glance between each other, each checking to see if the other has some idea what Rob is talking about. When no one seems to, Gotswana says, "The fridge is a blessing—no wedding in our village has ever had one. We feast at the wedding, we eat what is still good the next day, and throw what rots to the jackals and beggars."
"You will be surprised how many people turn up for a wedding," Mafala says wryly. "Especially since, as you suggested, we have invited every prospective member of the Church of Arnold to celebrate with us." He smacks Rob on the shoulder companionably. "Do not worry so, Elder McKinley. It will work itself out."
Rob gapes at him for a moment, then weakly nods. As he manouevres his shopping cart past Kevin, he hisses, "Could you get our prophet on a verse about food preservation?"
"Might be a tough sell in places that don't get electricity," Kevin points out. When Rob puffs himself up for a lecture, Kevin quickly says, "I'll mention it."
He approaches Arnold and Nabulungi in the meat aisle. As usual, they're so wrapped up in each other that they don't notice anyone else. The back of Nabulungi's head obscurs Arnold's view of Kevin, but sometimes she moves and he can get a view of Arnold's face.
"We can buy goat meat here," Nabulungi is saying.
"Nabulungi, Dad's counting on me..."
"Until you came here, Baba also believed you could have sex with a virgin and cure AIDS! Not every stupid tradition we have needs to be followed." She steps close to him, kissing his lips briefly. "You bring new ways of thinking. It is your gift."
Arnold is shaking his head, his expression worried. "Nabulungi...I can do this. It probably won't even be that bad."
"Baba is already proud of you, my love." She thought of that much faster than Kevin did—she's good, he thinks grumpily. "He told me so himself!"
"And he won't be proud of me if I don't kill the goat! Everyone'll laugh at me!" No matter how Nabulungi tries to dissuade him, Arnold won't believe anything else.
Nabulungi grabs his hands. "You are a gentle soul, Arnold—"
Kevin perks up at Arnold's angry frown. "Maybe I'm not so gentle. Maybe I'm badass." He spoils the effect by shifting his weight nervously after swearing.
A shopping cart bumps into the back of Kevin's legs. Kevin realizes he unconsciously slipped behind the soup and spices aisle to better hear the conversation without being spotted—and he happens to be blocking Rob, who's staring at him with arms crossed, looking deeply disappointed.
Kevin's face burns. He quickly steps out from behind the aisle. Arnold stops whatever he was saying abruptly when he sees Kevin. Then he blurts out, "OH, HI, BUDDY!"
Kevin clears his throat. "Sorry to interrupt. I need to talk to you, Elder Cunningham."
With strained politeness, Nabulungi says, "I am talking to my husband, Elder Price. Can you wait?"
"We can talk!" Arnold says quickly, hurrying to Kevin's side. As Nabulungi rolls her eyes, Kevin tries to smother a grin, but he's not quite successful.
Arnold spoils Kevin's mood by turning an apologetic expression to Nabulungi. "We'll talk later, okay, honey?"
Nabulungi nods, the hard lines of her face softening. "Okay, Arnold."
"So, what'd you want to talk about?" Arnold asks.
Kevin has completely forgotten. "I, uh, need some help carrying the beer to the jeeps." They buy a few cases of beer; Kevin eyes the cases like they're full of poisonous snakes.
They get back to the village to cheers and whoops. The women of the village practically lift Nabulungi out of the jeep, singing an up-tempo song in Swahili. Arnold tries to go after her, but Mafala holds him by the arm.
"Not until the ceremony, prophet," Mafala says sternly. Arnold gulps and nods.
The ceremony starts at dawn the next day, with the goat. The entire village gathers in the centre, clapping, cheering and singing as Elder Ghali leads a goat toward Arnold. It's a female goat, bright white, with yellow eyes and black oval pupils. Arnold goes pale. Kevin squeezes Arnold's shoulder, but he doesn't seem to feel it.
He steps forward and takes the knife from Mafala. It gleams in the first rays of dawn. Arnold stares at it as if he can't quite figure out what it is. Elder Ghali leads the goat toward him. After a moment, Arnold shakes himself, puts one leg on either side of the goat, and grips it between his legs. The goat bleats, wriggling in discomfort. Elder Ghali leaves the circle. Arnold is alone.
As Arnold explained it to Kevin, he has to grab the goat's horns, expose its throat, then slice the knife across it. He can't move. Kevin squirms in discomfort. The volume of the chanting and clapping falls as the sun continues to rise and Arnold doesn't bring the knife down.
"Wait!" shouts Nabulungi, striding into the circle as if she owns it. There are displeased mutters at this. Mafala can't even look at his daughter; he stares at his feet.
Nabulungi raises her arms. "God has spoken to me, the wife of the prophet! He says this goat is good and holy, and shall not be killed! As the goat prospers, so shall the village."
A few villagers are nodding—but only a few. Arnold's face bursts into a smile as a deep red sunrise soaks the sky behind him.
"YES!" He lets the goat go, grabbing it by the rope tied around its neck, and drops the knife. "And she shall be called Emma Frost—the White Queen! For did not Jesus have a pet goat named Spot, for to let his disciples know that worth can be found in even the lowliest of creatures?" At the confused silence, he adds, "WELL, HE DID!"
When Arnold glances his way, Kevin says, "Oh—yes. I remember that part now." That seems to be all the congregation needs, though many of the non-believers murmur to each other with grave faces.
Arnold and Nabulungi rush together, kissing, then talking hurriedly over each other. Kevin tries to leave, but Arnold is heading in his direction and there's too big a crowd to make a quick getaway.
"I'm not a badass, I'm not a badass, I'm not a badass," Arnold is murmuring as he kisses his wife. He glances down at the goat. "My dog Mouse is pure white, just like Emma!" he exclaims, shaking his head at what he'd almost done. To Nabulungi, he says, "You're amazing. And," he turns to Kevin, "thanks for the assist, pal!"
"No problem, buddy."
The rest of the morning and afternoon is quiet. The women have been cooking the food the wedding party brought back from Kampala since last night—now smells of spices and fruit and fish and nuts serenade the village. People from outside the village start coming in: Amikaa from the orphanage, some of the placements the church has made, people Kevin has seen at the market, old Themba and the two young men who help her get around. As he helps set up tables and chairs, Kevin mingles, particularly with the three lepers, who few villagers go near. Rob lays out tablecloths and chair covers (Sister Ameya's blankets), puts out the centrepieces (fake pink and yellow dollar-store flowers), and distributes wedding favours (random chocolate bars). Kevin then goes back to the mission to check on Arnold, who's sitting on his bed, his suit jacket tossed on the floor, writing frantically in his journal.
Sighing, Kevin picks up Arnold's jacket and starts dusting it off. "The vows seem to be going well."
Arnold beams at him as Kevin hangs Arnold's jacket up. "I just had a great thought! It's about the cemetery!"
Kevin starts. "Um, buddy, not sure that's where you should be going with this..."
"No, no—it's fine!" Though Kevin tries, he can't get much more out of Arnold than that.
The ceremony starts at five. Eric, the unofficial cameraman, has Arnold's video-camera rolling. Mafala and Nabulungi walk down the aisle, Mafala wearing the same navy blue jacket he wore during the villagers' play for the mission president, Nabulungi wearing a sleeveless, shoulderless dress made mostly of mosquito netting. It floats in the air, sometimes showing much more of her legs than is proper. Arnold murmurs "Woah," underneath his breath.
Mutumbo wasn't anyone's first choice of officiate, but Elder Ghali is too shy for public speaking and Gotswana declined as he's still taking pain medication for his surgery. "We are here today to celebrate the marriage of the motherfucking prophet of Heavenly Father, Arnold Cunningham, to the sexiest girl in our village, Nabulungi Hatimbi. If any of you cunts object, prepare your ass to be kicked. Any objections?"
There are none. Next come the vows.
"Arnold, when you first arrived, you spoke of Sal Tlay Ka Siti. It reminded me of what my mother told me—there was a beautiful, peaceful place somewhere far from here. I had many grand dreams of this place and what it would be like. Then, I learned that this place did not exist. What I had thought was real was actually a metaphor. But, Arnold, it seems you have lied to me again: this beautiful, magical paradise does exist. I have found it in your heart, and I will never leave it."
"When we first talked about getting married, I had tons of ideas. We were gonna have a Lord of the Rings-style wedding. Then, I thought we'd get married in Klingon, or do a wedding like the medal scene in A New Hope. When it turned out we didn't have the budget for anything fancy, I was kinda disappointed. But then I thought some more about it, and I wasn't. 'Cuz being a nerd is a big part of my life, sure, but what's more important than anything is you. And this wedding is perfect just the way it is, because you're perfect."
Mutumbo then reads over the rest of the ceremony Kevin had prepared: the verse from Moroni about perfect love casting out fear; about how Jesus taught the Nephites to love and so paved the way for the perfect union between "two people" (Kevin only realized he should cross out "man and woman" at the last minute). Just as it's building to the end—Kevin hopes Arnold will appreciate the reference to "a love stronger than Joseph Smith and Princess Leia's"—Mutumbo snorts and tosses his cue cards on the ground.
"Oh, fuck this. They're married. Kiss and let's celebrate this shit!"
Cheers of "LL&P!" and "Praise Christ!" come from the congregation. Everyone sits for their meal. Food is served. Every garden in the village has been stripped, every egg cracked and spare chicken killed. Rob might've been right to worry about how much food is going to be wasted. Kevin, at least, isn't going to waste much—all he can do is pick at his food. He has to give a speech.
A speech about Arnold and love, the ugly voice in his mind mocks. It cackles like Judge Frollo or Cruella de Vil. Kevin imagines his mother's reaction if she knew about that voice. She'd cry, probably. His dad would pray for his soul.
When the time for his speech comes, Kevin sets a friendly Mormon missionary smile on his face. His speech is generic and short. They're good for each other. They make each other so happy. He wishes them a long and happy life together, and a love that will laste through eternity. Arnold gives him a short hug when he finishes; Nabulungi squeezes his hand. He doesn't really listen to Mafala's speech, though it makes Nabulungi, and a few other villagers, cry. Arnold shakes his father-in-law's hand when Mafala is done, his expression very serious. Kevin is quick to help remove the plates from the table, though Arnold insists he doesn't have to do that.
Arnold and Nabulungi's first dance is "All I Ask of You" which is, according to Rob, "from one of Webber's best musicals!" Arnold steps on Nabulungi's feet for most of it, but neither appear to care. Next, Nabulungi dances with her father to a slow, mournful-sounding Swahili song. After that, the dance floor is free. Kevin notices Nabulungi talking to Effu, who seems to be arguing with her. They both glance at Kevin, then continue their argument until finally Effu throws up her hands. Nabulungi darts over to Eric Thomas, grabs him for a dance, then bumps into Effu on the way off the dance floor. As Eric and Effu start talking, Nabulungi goes back to Arnold's side, looking pleased with herself.
Of course, she and Arnold start kissing. Kevin finds himself leaving his seat and going over to the buffet tables.
"No goat and now lepers at a wedding," a village man is saying to another as Kevin passes by. "No wedding has ever been so cursed!" I hear you, guys.
At the far end of the buffet tables are the cases of beer. Kevin feels all eyes are on him as he approaches. Glancing about, he sees that nobody is watching him—except Heavenly Father. Kevin glances upward, gulping.
Just half a cup, he promises himself. Why the heck—hell—not? I'm Kevin Price! I can handle it!
Kevin pours half a cup and takes a tiny sip. He nearly spits it back out. When the searing taste finally fades, he chuckles. Well, I'm certainly not going to get drunk off something that tastes this gross! Nothing to worry about. He gingerly sips from his cup until it's gone.
Then Boney M's "Rasputin" comes on—one of the few 1970s songs he knows—and Kevin goes onto the dance floor, along with all the ex-Mormons except for Brian Church. The dance floor is full of ex-Mormons trying and mostly failing to do Russian dance moves. Most of the other wedding guests clap to the beat; Effu has even grabbed Arnold's video-camera and is filming them.
By the time they're done, Kevin is sweaty and thirsty but beaming. He can't quite remember why he felt so down about this wedding. When Mutumbo offers him a full bottle of beer, Kevin shrugs and takes it. His tongue becomes numbed to the taste surprisingly quickly. When the bottle is half gone, Kevin finds himself inspired by Heavenly Father in a way he hasn't been in a long time. He's been making this whole God thing far too complicated. What better place than a wedding to do a little proselytizing?
"Hello! I'd like to share with you a really amazing book..."
Eric and Effu Kimbay, standing by the dessert table, stare at him. After a moment, Eric says, "Yes, Elder Price—we know."
"That is awesome," Kevin says gleefully.
Effu leans against Eric as she laughs from deep in her belly. Eric's face goes bright red.
The villagers keep checking in on him after that. They laugh at his jokes—though he must be funnier than he thinks he is, because sometimes they laugh when he's talking about serious things like God and Joseph Smith. He takes another beer when Mutumbo offers it; unfortunately, he sets it down to tell Themba just how Nehor slew Gideon, and when he tries to drink from it, it's vanished, and Nabulungi is hissing something to Mutumbo and glaring at him.
"Heeeeeey, pal!" says Arnold, handing him a plate of rolls and dipping sauces. "Heard you might need some food!"
The gesture makes Kevin so warm and bubbly that he can't speak. He grabs Arnold in a tight hug. Someone knocks over the plate, spilling food onto the ground.
"You are incredible!" Kevin tells Arnold. "You're—you're...better than Orlando!" He rubs Arnold's head as the boombox goes quiet as Rob switches CDs. "I LOVE YOUR HAIR!"
The villagers can't seem to stop laughing at something; he'll ask Effu to tell him the joke later.
Arnold pats his back. "Ditto, buddy, ditto... You know what'd be awesome? If you ate something..."
"Anything for you, buddy!" He isn't really hungry, but he gulps down whatever Arnold sets in front of him. He drinks a Coke that Nabulungi hands him, which, after beer, tastes far too sweet.
"Oh, enough, you two," Rob tells them, shooing Arnold and Nabulungi off. "Go! Have fun! I'll take care of him!"
"How are you feeling now, Elder Price?" asks Mutumbo, chuckling.
"I can't feel my fingers," Kevin says. When some of the villagers chuckle, he grins along with them. "I feel numb. Which is...well," he glances in the direction of Arnold and Nabulungi, "it's good."
"Ooookay, Elder Price," says Rob, "I think I'll take you back now..." When Kevin can't follow him, Rob grabs his hand and pulls him along.
As they leave, Effu Kimbay shouts, "Have fun, Elder McKinley!" to the laughter of many others, including Eric Thomas, who's standing quite close to her. Rob chuckles, then gestures Eric close to him. Looking curious, Eric comes over.
"Hey, companion," Rob says, "maybe you could walk Elder Price back?"
Eric looks surprised. "You're not worried about what Sister Kimbay said, are you? Rob, c'mon—it was a joke. Nobody seriously thinks you'd do anything. Lighten up!"
"Yeah." Rob laughs. "You're right. Okay, drama-queen moment over. See you soon, Eric." Rob's smile drops the instant he turns away from Eric.
As they walk back, Kevin shares some of his thoughts about the church with Rob. "We're a lot more Mormon than Arnold likes to think. Mostly because he doesn't really understand Mormonism. Original sin—my dad's kinda old-fashioned on that one, and I guess I am too—but most Mormons don't really believe it, and neither do we! The Church of Arnold doesn't have priesthoods and ordinances—I kind of miss those. We should bring those back, right? They make you feel special. You and me—we should bring them back!"
"Yeah, I'll get right on that."
"And God! Our God is pretty much the same as the Mormon God! Really, He is! We need to talk more about God in the Book of Arnold. Start with the basics. Remember what the prophet...um, the old prophet, not the new one...remember what he said? 'Because whenever did a tree or anything spring into existence without a progenitor?' So we need to figure out whether God came from nothing or was..." a hundred words crash through his brain, but all that comes out is, "a tree!"
Rob turns his head away, shoulders shaking. "That's something to think about!"
"Arnold doesn't like to think about the past or the future. He says, 'Oh, buddy, people need stories for today!' But I'm trying to get a coherent mythology out of...frankly, it's a mess!" He frowns. "No, that's mean. But one person with one question could send it all crashing down. He's the one who talks about world-building—for all his shows and books. We're trying to world-build here, too."
"Sounds like something to bring up with Elder Cunningham, isn't it?"
"Nah, I can't talk to him. And we also need to figure out if God is omnipotent. Stuff like this is important!" He goes on to list the attributes of God, drawing on every scrap of knowledge he possesses. Rob listens attentively, saying "Mmhmm," and "Yeah, sure," every so often.
Suddenly, Rob says, "Oh thank God, the mission! C'mon, Elder Price, race you!" He takes off at a run. Kevin never turns down a challenge; he runs after Rob, but somehow manages to wind up at the side of the mission instead of at the mission door, where he wanted to go.
"Over here, Kevin," Rob sing-songs. Kevin glares at Rob, who doesn't seem to feel a twinge of guilt, even though he must have cheated, because Kevin Price never loses.
Once they're inside, Rob goes to the fridge and hands him a bottle of water. "Drink up! And I'll put a bucket by your bed. Hmm...two, probably, since Elder Hatimbi is staying with you."
"You're good at taking care of people," Kevin remarks after he takes a sip.
"Oh, thank you! Well, it's what I'm here for, isn't it?"
This bottle is defective—Kevin takes another sip, but some water spills onto his shirt. He glowers at the stain. "Rob?"
"Yes, Elder Price?"
"Do you like me?"
"I like everyone here. I'm blessed to be part of a great team."
"But do you like me? We haven't hung out in...forever."
Rob slowly exhales. "You're right." He's silent for a moment, then adds, "That's my fault. I'll try to be better at it, but I...might not be able to for a while." He grins suddenly. "But when I am, oh brother, I am going to kick your keister at 'Name that Verse'! You are looking at," he gestures grandly to himself, "the McKinley household champion since grade six!"
Kevin snorts. "I'm the champion since grade two! You're going down!" He takes a long sip of water. "You know what the church should work on next?"
Rob rolls his eyes. "I'm all ears, Elder Price."
"Awesome!" Kevin grins back. "We should do some editing. A definitive Book of Arnold! I mean, I love him, but Arnold's really just a moment to moment— oh. Oh. Oh, shit."
"Hmm?"
Kevin's mouth has gone dry. "I promised I'd never say about love—and him... Fuck!"
Rob smiles slightly. "Pretty silly, promising yourself that you'd never say you love your best friend."
"That's not what I meant!" Kevin lunges for Rob and grabs his shoulder. He has to understand. "You can't tell him, Elder Rob! You can't. You can't! Please." He hears water falling—seems his water bottle fell over somehow.
"I won't." Rob's voice is calm and strong. "Whatever dark, deadly secret you think you have is safe with me."
"He has his stupid wife now. She can't even peel a yam. They eat yams every day here! She keeps hacking away." He frowns, realizing what he's just said. "Shit, I didn't want anger to rule my heart. Um, don't tell him I said that, either. Please."
"He won't hear one word from me."
Since he's close, Kevin gives Rob a hug. Rob pats him on the back, chuckling for some reason. "You're awesome," Kevin tells him. "You're the coolest, organizedest, greatest district leader. And when you go back home and dance on Broadway, you're going to be great there, too."
Rob pulls out of the hug. "Actually, I want to be an English teacher. But speaking of dancing, I'd like to get back to it! You know which one your room is?" he teases.
"The one without him," Kevin says, frowning.
Rob's hand rests lightly on Kevin's shoulder. "Oh, cheer up, Gloomy Gus! He'll be back before you know it."
"And I can keep turning it off again." The thought of it doesn't hurt as much now as it did earlier in the day. "I think this alcohol stuff is really helping!"
Rob sighs. "Let's look into some alternative methods of dealing with your feelings first, shall we?" He looks like he's going to say something, then stops himself and says, "My door is always open if you'd like to talk. And now! I bid you adieu. Get some sleep, Elder Price."
Kevin watches him go to the door, his thoughts churning. "Rob?"
Rob, his hand on the doorknob, turns back to him. "Yes?"
"Do you think we can do this? All of us, here, spreading the Book of Arnold?"
"Yes, Elder Price, I do." He turns back.
"Rob?"
"Yeeees?"
"What's it like? Being gay?"
Rob gives him a look he can't decipher. "Ask me when you're sober, Kevin."
"I am sober! I only had half a cup!"
Shaking his head, Rob leaves.
Kevin manages to find his bed and fall asleep. He wakes up the next morning ready to feel terrible, but he doesn't feel too bad. He's groggy, but no more so than after a night of hard exam studying. Then he remembers what he said last night.
He bolts upright, eyes snapping open. He gets dressed and carefully sprays and combs his hair, but he's all thumbs and it takes twice as long as it usually does. After checking on Mafala, who snores just as loudly as Arnold, he puts on his best Mormon missionary smile and heads out the door.
Rob and the other ex-Mormons are in the kitchen; he's setting out jugs of milk for the breakfast rush. "Hello, Elder Price."
As one—they've obviously planned this—all the elders except Rob show off their Books of Arnold.
"Just wanted to let you know we have a copy of the Book of Arnold, Elder Price," Eric Thomas says. When the ex-Mormons can't keep their faces straight anymore, Kevin laughs right along with them.
"Good one, guys! Can we chat for a sec, Elder McKinley?" Kevin asks.
"Of course." They retire to Rob's office. As usual, Rob doesn't look like he's slept much. He hasn't slept well since their session of helping Kevin turn it off. Kevin feels a kick of guilt in his stomach. He tried to help me and look how I repaid him.
"Elder McKinley, if I said anything at all that might've offended you, I apologize."
"You didn't," Rob replies, and he seems sincere. "And if you did, I wouldn't hold what you said while drunk against you. You weren't in your right mind. As far as I'm concerned, last night's conversation didn't even happen."
"Oh." This is exactly what Kevin wanted—except now that he has it, he realizes he doesn't. He wants a Rob who slyly hints, who looks smug and knowing, so Kevin can refute him. Kevin can't bring anything up himself; that implies he was thinking about what he said last night, and why would he think about something that meant nothing?
"Thank you, Elder McKinley."
Rob gives him a polite, distant smile as they leave his office.