Chapter 15: Insomnia
Ron couldn't sleep. This was incredibly abnormal for him; he usually fell into a deep, dead-to-the-world kind of sleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was never one with insomniac tendencies, that was more one of Harry's issues, but tonight… he couldn't sleep.
He lay awake in the spare bedroom of Shell Cottage that he was sharing with Harry; the moonlight shining brightly through a chink in the curtains, highlighting Harry's sleeping form. He could hear the faint sound of waves lapping against the beach, and the quiet breeze through the reeds. The effect should have been soothing, but it wasn't. It reminded him of Hermione's dangerously shallow breaths when he rescued her from Bellatrix.
He closed his eyes as if in pain. He had so many regrets concerning the way he had treated Hermione, but he had always thought there would be time to put it all right. Tonight he had almost lost that chance, along with the chance to tell her how he really felt.
He regretted the way he had treated her at the Yule ball, all because he was jealous. He had taken her for granted, he asked her out as a last resort, and only realised afterwards that he envied Krum when he got her instead.
That was the moment he had realised he liked her as more than just his friend. When he looked back on it, he supposed he'd liked her for quite a while by that point: that had just been when it had hit him like the Knight bus. The moment his feelings towards her had changed was that day she had punched Malfoy in the face. He grinned fondly at the memory, and remembered starting to see her as something more than just 'Hermione'.
He regretted going out with Lavender, he had almost ruined everything at that point. That was the first time that something more than friendly feelings had been acknowledged between them, she had taken a chance, asking him to Slughorn's party, and he had thrown it back in her face, all because he wanted to prove something to Ginny, and again because he had been jealous of Hermione kissing Krum.
He cringed at how pathetic he had been. How could he have hurt her so badly?
But what he regretted most of all was leaving at a crucial time when she and Harry both really needed him. He had left them, stormed off like a petulant child, and surprise, surprise – all because he was jealous.
It was ridiculous, he thought to himself, leaving because he thought Harry and Hermione might have some secret relationship he knew nothing about. He knew that wasn't true, he knew Harry loved Ginny, so why had he let a small niggling doubt ruin everything?
It was all because of the Horcrux, he told himself, trying to rid his conscience from some of the guilt he was feeling. The Horcrux had made him think those things. No, said a small voice in his head, you were thinking it anyway, and that made you easy to manipulate.
He needed to put it right, and he knew now that he wouldn't ever leave them again. More specifically, he wouldn't leave her again.
His mind drifted back to Malfoy Manor. He didn't ever remember feeling so hopelessly useless, the futility of his efforts to help almost causing him to die with despair. Her screams of agony were permanently ingrained into his brain, and then when he saw her lifeless body… he would never forget that.
It had made him realise something. It made him realise how deep his feelings for her really ran, and the rage and determination that took over his body at that point made him more powerful than he could ever imagine. He had been faultless in that fight, all because he was so desperate to rescue her, he'd never felt anything like that before.
The second she had opened her eyes, he felt like the world was beginning again, like the sun had shone down on him with blessing favour, and as bad as things were, it was a perfect shining moment when she looked at him, her eyes misty with emotion. He had never felt happier.
He got up and walked out of the door with purpose, and to the sitting room where Hermione was still lying on the sofa. He looked at her face. She was peacefully slumbering, breathing steadily. Fleur had given her a potion for a dreamless sleep and it seemed to have taken effect.
He looked at her and smiled, and he lay on the floor next to the sofa. Her hand was hanging off the edge of the sofa and he smiled slightly as a memory of another night replayed in his mind. He took her hand and laced his fingers with hers.
He closed his eyes, and finally drifted off to sleep.