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Monopoly

It was something of a premonition.

There was something in the name which turned her bones cold; which made her shudder all over. It was similar to her arrival at Witch Training College; she heard of the infamous Mistress Broomhead before she ever saw her, but there was something so haunting about her essence, that the mere mention of her name was spine-chilling. Perhaps it was something in the students' eyes – an emptiness, a dread, rendered by living in that horrible place. But Constance always thought it was a premonition.

It was a correct premonition. If anything, her prophecy was an understatement.

And it happened again. Years later - she was a teacher then - many years away from Broomhead's reign of terror, and she had never had such a strong feeling since that first day. That is, until reading through the list of prospective first years.

She was seated at the staffroom table, facing the window, and she'll never forget the glare that stung her eyes. She could barely see Amelia, just a mere silhouette; the whole world seemed engulfed in shadow. Everything, that is, but for that name.

'Hubble?' she said aloud. 'I have not yet encountered the Hubbles, Miss Cackle. Are they from around here?'

Amelia's mouth was filled with a fruit scone; she gesticulated while attempting to chew down the mouthful quickly. 'No,' she accented, swallowing the last of her meal. 'They're not a witch family.'

'Not a-!'

'Now, now, Constance, I have already made up my mind. Mr and Mrs Hubble are good friends of the Hazeltwigs, and they recommended the family highly. The girl has always had a passion for witchcraft, and with the guidance of the Hazeltwigs, she has applied here. You've said yourself that the girls' interest in traditional witchcraft has waned over the years – and it has indeed seemed that they are a tad less traditional – but I believe this girl will have enough passion to inspire her classmates.'

Constance had the same chill run through her. A dread not yet verified consumed her. This girl was not right for Cackle's; she could feel it in her bones.

'Are you sure that this is a good idea, Amelia? We have standards-'

'I have taken everything into account, Constance, and this girl will be staying.'

Constance retreated. There was no point grappling with the Cackle Monster when she was determined. Trying to change her mind was like trying extricate her from Cosie's. Davina had even written a chant about it: 'Try and Die.'

And she was right. Mildred was unruly, whiny, annoying and in terrible need of a haircut, but none of this compared to her biggest misdeed: turning that blasted Algernon Loony Webb back into a wizard. He probably liked being a frog anyway…

The Master of Revels not only declared an upside-down day which resulted in gunge being flung in her face, but he made it an annual event, and even silenced their protestations by casting a spell which compelled the teachers to obey their students who were declared teachers. And alas, who did he choose, but Fenella Feverfew and Griselda Blackwood: the evil genii of the school, more creative than Miss Bat during a drug-induced haze and in many ways, even worse than Mildred, because they knew how to push her buttons and were not afraid to do so. The more trouble they were in, the prouder they were of their feat. This would be a disaster.

They gathered for a game of Monopoly. The arty Griselda had designed a new board. There were four types of cards instead of two: Chance, Community Chest, Truth and Dare. The place names were changed to that which was local, and there were hefty taxes with an additional rule – money could be retained if the payer were willing to take a dare instead. Failure to carry out a Truth or Dare would result in losing. If a student won the game, she retained her teaching rights for a further week, and if a teacher won, she was free from the girls' rule for the rest of the day, and things would be back to normal by the morning. Some unknown force compelled Constance to play – that she couldn't help thanks to Algernon – but she would have been able to be expelled for the game, and would have done so if not for the threat of the girls winning the game. Constance was highly intelligent; there was no way she would lose to some cocky teenage girls…

Each player was seated on the floor around the unusually-large board, quite like a game of Spin-the-Bottle. In attendance were Constance, Amelia, Davina and Imogen, the Grand Wizard and Algernon, Mildred, Maud, Enid, Ethel, Ruby and Sybil. Fenella and Griselda were not partaking, but were refereeing proceedings.

'Oh, we have a special guest,' Griselda announced.

'What?' exclaimed Constance. 'There are twelve players, a board twice the size of its regulation cousin; when do you expect us to conclude, Griselda Blackwood?'

'That's Miss Blackwood to you,' Griselda grinned. 'And this guest is especially for you, Constance.'

No sooner had she spoken than the doors slammed open and in walked none other than…

'Mistress Broomhead!' Constance exclaimed.

'How does she do that?' Algernon marvelled. 'She didn't even turn around.'

'I'd know that bat-repellent anywhere.'

'What is this?' she demanded, shoving Constance out of the way and taking a seat between Constance and Charlie. 'This is such a waste of tyme, but I really want to play. What an unusual compulsion. I'm not pleased, Constance. What is this?'

'The Master of Revels has declared an upside-down day, Mistress Broomhead.'

'Appalling. Is he the one with the funny face?' she pointed to the Grand Wizard.

'No, the funny hair,' Davina pointed at Algernon.

'Less of the chit-chat and let's commence, girls. Mistress Broomhead, you'll have to play with the last game piece,' Fenella said, handing it to her.

Her eyes widened. 'I don't lyek byats!'

She dropped it. 'I'm not touching that. Touch it for me, Constance.'

'What? In front of everybody?' Constance shrieked.

'The byat! The byat!'

'Oh!' Constance laughed nervously. She set it in place, and Mildred's name was pulled first, indicating that it was her turn.

'Good luck, Millie,' said Maud.

Mildred rolled an eleven. It landed on Cosie's Café.

'Are you going to buy, Mildred?' asked Griselda.

'I don't know,' she replied. She thought about it until Amelia cleared her throat.

'I'd like to buy it. Is that… is that alright, Miss Cackle?'

'I'm not one to make demands, Mildred, but as her most loyal customer and friend, I think I should know more about the business.'

'And free cheese,' Constance mumbled.

Mildred surrendered the purchase. Maud, Ruby and Enid took their turns, the latter purchasing 'Henbane & Sage's Store of Magical Pranks and Trickery.'

'Your turn, Sybil,' said Fenella.

She rolled an eleven. She landed on 'Chance.'

'Ooooh,' chorused the girls.

'Oh no!' Sybil exclaimed.

Griselda picked up a Chance card and smirked, handing it to Fenella, who chuckled when she saw it.

'You have won second prize in a beauty contest. You may put a bra over Chief Wizard Hellebore's clothes.'

Sybil burst into tears. 'I want my mum.'

'Appalling,' said Amelia.

'Your mum can't help you now,' said Fenella.

'Go on,' urged Griselda. 'The anticipation is worse than the deed.'

'Well…' Fenella grinned.

Sybil slowly stood and dragged her feet to towards Helleboring.

'I most strongly protest,' said Hellebore. 'There is no way that I will wear a… one of those things."

'You can always leave the game, but you'll have to pick something from the forfeit box and that's much worse,' Fenella informed her, emphasising her gaze on Miss Hardbroom. He grimaced. Sybil sniffed as Fenella handed her a red bra. She burst into tears again.

'What now?' sighed Enid.

'It's got three hooks,' she cried.

'Tough break,' said Imogen.

Sybil struggled with shaking hands, but eventually, she managed to hook it. Hellebore remained stone-faced throughout the escapade. Still sniffling, Sybil resumed her seat.

'You know, Sybil, you could've just used a spell,' Fenella said.

'And you forgot the most important thing,' Griselda added, handing her a basket of rolled up socks.

'This is preposterous!' he exclaimed. 'I'll have no more of it!'

Protest as he would, there was no relenting on Fenella and Griselda's part. Sybil packed each cup with five pairs of socks. Sybil resumed her seat and there was an awkward silence until Algernon broke it with laughter.

'My God, just look at you.'

Algernon produced a camera and took a picture. 'I'm going to have to send this to all my friends. Chief Wizard Helleboob.'

It was his turn next; he landed on Nightshade's Staff Emporium and made a purchase. Nothing interesting happened over the next few turns. That is, until it was Mistress Broomhead's go again. She landed on 'Truth.' Griselda selected a card.

'Ah, this is a 'Would you Rather?' Would you rather have balls hang from your chin, or have a tail that wags in response to your emotions?'

'A tail that wags, of course. Why would one want balls on one's chin? Miss Drill would play with my balls all day.'

'Excuse me?' said Imogen.

'We all know how much you like… oh what do they call it? Basketball…'

'Oh yes, I knew you meant that,' Imogen laughed sheepishly.

'Done,' said Fenny and Grizz in unison, casting a spell which gave Mistress Broomhead a large, bushy tail like a fox.

She flicked it from left to right, bashing it off the ground, rubbing it in Constance's face just to annoy her. Judging from the nature of the questions and dares, everybody was quick to snap up properties in order to conclude the game as swiftly as possible.

Amelia suddenly found herself on Truth. Fenella read the card.

'Describe your first kiss.'

Amelia turned beetroot read.

'I object to this forcible play,' she answered.

'That's not an answer,' Griselda grinned.

Amelia sighed. 'Well, I was fourteen. His name was Paris.'

'Isn't your cat called Paris, Amelia?' asked Constance.

'Ugh!' the company chorused.

'It wasn't my fault! I feel asleep after a cheesecake and there was cheese around my mouth!'

'That doesn't quite explain it,' said Fenella.

'I might have yawned at the same time as he approached me.'

The company erupted into laughter. Amelia folded her arms and locked her eyes on the floor.

'Your turn, Miss Drill,' Griselda giggled.

Dare. Bloody hell.

Fenella picked up the card and grinned.

'Griselda.'

She handed the card to her friend.

'Oh, no way! That is too good!'

'What is it!?' Imogen demanded, a quiver in her voice.

'You have to-' Griselda's voice was stifled by laughter. 'I can't-'

Fenella took the card from her. 'Your dare is to kiss Miss Hardbroom full in the face for twenty seconds.'

The room shook with laughter. All, of course, except for Imogen and Constance.

'No,' Constance and Imogen protested in unison.

'You can always leave the game, but you take the risk of a forfeit,' Fenella said, shaking a box. Scraps of paper could be heard rustling inside. Imogen reflected. 'I'll take the forfeit.'

'May Great, Great, Great, Great, Great Granny Cackle have mercy on your soul,' Fenella said, extending it towards Imogen. Imogen took out a yellow, faded piece of paper and unfolded it. She turned red.

'What is it?' asked Miss Bat.

'You have to kiss Helleboring for thirty seconds.'

'You have a choice to make now,' Griselda said.

Imogen sighed. 'C'mon, Your Honour.'

'What?' exclaimed Constance. 'You think kissing him is better than me?'

'I…' Imogen didn't know what to say.

'That crusty old windbag?'

'How dare you!' he exclaimed.

'That's only okay when I say it!' cried Imogen.

'But he's awful!' Constance pushed. 'You think he's worse than me?'

'You almost sound as if you want her to kiss you,' Enid cut in.

'Absolutely not!' exclaimed Constance.

'Then what's the problem?' asked Mildred.

'My problem, Mildred Hubble, is that this woman thinks that the Grand Wizard is somehow more appealing than I am. Anything could be in that beard!'

'So if roles were reversed, you'd have no problem kissing Miss Drill?' Enid pushed.

'That's not the point!'

'I rather think it is, Constance,' said Amelia.

'Says the one who was kissed by her cat!'

'That was one time!'

Griselda tapped on Algernon's shoulder and whispered in his ear: 'Are you getting this?'

He had the digital camera resting on his lap, inconspicuously. He winked at her and she gave him the thumbs up.

'I really wish you would all stop arguing!' cried Davina. 'You are ruining my zen!'

'Just kiss him and get on with it,' sighed Fenella.

'You wouldn't catch me dead kissing him anyway,' Constance said sulkily, folding her arms.

'Oh! He's that bad is he, Constance Hardbroom?' snapped Imogen. 'So bad I suppose that you would kiss Mistress Broomhead over him if you had the chance?'

All went silent. Mistress Broomhead slowly turned her head towards Constance and narrowed her eyes. The tip of her tail flicked slowly. 'Be very careful how you answer that, Constance.'

'I've had enough of this!' cried Constance. 'I am a senior member of staff and should not be spoken to like that by a member of staff who isn't even a witch.'

'Oh, the truth is coming out now!' Imogen snapped.

'Why are you so angry anyway?' Constance asked, standing up.

'This was hard enough, Constance, and now you've made me self-conscious!'

Constance started for the doors.

'You can't leave without a forfeit, H.B.,' said Griselda.

'Ugh.' Constance swirled around and stomped her feet towards Griselda.

'My tail!' cried Mistress Broomhead. She rolled into a standing position. She grabbed her tail, hugging it and pacing uncontrollably. 'I'll not forget this, Constance!'

She disappeared in a puff of smoke.

'You're in for it now,' said Davina, hiding a grin.

'Oh shut up,' Constance said, taking a piece of paper from the box. 'I'll not forget this, Fenella and Griselda.'

She unfolded the piece of paper. She let out a shriek, and becoming weak at the knees, she sought a chair.

'Whatever is the matter, Miss Hardbroom?' asked Amelia.

'I have to… I have to…'

She couldn't speak. Algernon approached her, handing her a glass of water and looking at the sheet.

'Kick Mistress Broomhead up the arse!'

Enter Eastenders drums. *Do…do….do….do….do-do-do-do!

'Please stop that, Miss Bat,' said Amelia.

'Sorry,' Davina said, 'I was just bored.'

Disclaimer: The 'Kicking Mistress Broomhead up the Arse' is inspired by Father Ted's 'Kicking Bishop Brennan up the Arse.'

I cannot promise that this will feature in the next chapter, but Mistress Broomhead will definitely be visiting Cackle's in the near future upon Miss Hardbroom's request. Thanks to Algernon's spell, she will be forced to fulfil the terms of the forfeit. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it!