Chapter 13
The months following that devastating night were bleak. I fell into a mode of silence, barely speaking to anyone, least of all to Jake or my mother. Mom had tried many times to talk to me, pleading softly for me to open my door and let her in, but I adamantly refused. She gave up after a few weeks. Jake never tried to talk to me at all. I guessed he'd given up on me. He still came around every day of course, to run the perimeter with the other members of his pack, but I completely ignored him, pretended he wasn't there. It hurt my heart to treat him that way, and a part of me wanted desperately to go to him, but I stubbornly held on to my anger. I knew he wouldn't be able to stay away from me because of the imprinting thing, but that didn't mean I had to talk to him. I established a routine: I got up in the morning, went to school, came home in the afternoon, and shut myself in my room for the remainder of the day. I did my homework and listened to music a lot. Sometimes I surfed the net. I read quite a bit also, but steered clear of romance novels or poetry steeped in sentiments of love. I felt as if I were shrouded by a black cloak of despair. Sometimes I didn't think I'd ever be able to break free from it, wouldn't be able to survive the crushing torment. I tried desperately to keep a veil of numbness over my mind, using it to battle the intense pain. I refused to think about the past or the future; I struggled to stay in the here and now. I got better at it over time. The only times I left my room other than to go to school were to hunt every couple of weeks and to visit with Huilen and Nahuel, when they came down from Denali to spend some time with us over Christmas break. Before they'd come down, I would only hunt with Rose and Emmett, or Alice and Jasper. I tried hunting with Carlisle and Esme once, shortly after I'd stopped speaking, but they were too concerned and loving, spending most of the time trying to get me to open up to them. I never went with my mother and father. When Nahuel arrived, I began hunting with him, with one set of my aunts and uncles tagging along. I'd told him about the birthday gift I'd received from Aro, and the possibility that the Volturi had sent someone to spy on me. He took it as seriously as everyone else had, never straying far from me when we hunted. He and his aunt had been trying to go vegetarian, but Nahuel was finding it extremely difficult. He'd enjoyed a normal vampire diet of human blood for so long that animal blood simply could not satisfy him. I couldn't say I blamed him. Human blood was delicious, but my family lived by a set of morals that most regular vampires did not adhere to. I'd grown used to it over the years. I ended up spending a lot of time with Nahuel over the two weeks they stayed with us. We'd begun taking walks at night, mostly along the river behind the main house, never venturing too far into the trees. We held hands a lot, but it seemed more friendly to me than anything else, not romantic in the least. I was surprised to find myself wanting to talk to him about the situation with Jake. He and Huilen knew something was going on with the family. They'd picked up on the tension almost immediately after they'd arrived. Carlisle, ever the gracious host, had quickly assured them that the family strife had nothing to do with their visit. Nahuel was curious to know what was wrong, but didn't want to pry. I found myself spilling everything to him before I stopped to think about it. I told him about my relationship with Jake, how we'd declared our love for one another, how we'd grown impossibly close over such a short period of time. I explained what had happened the night of the camping trip. Finally, I confessed my behavior to him, telling him how I had not spoken to my family or to Jake since that night. He nodded sympathetically, not saying much, just letting me talk and get it all out. I was fighting back tears by the time I'd finished. He stopped walking abruptly, yanking lightly on my hand so I'd stop too. He took both my hands in his, and looked into my eyes. "I'm very sorry that you've had to go through something so heartbreaking," he said tenderly. "You don't deserve that. From what I have witnessed though, your mother loves you very much. I think you need to let her tell her side of the story and make amends with her. You can't spend the rest of your life ignoring her. You'll only be hurting yourself, in the long run."
I knew he was right, but I just wasn't ready to forgive her yet. I understood why she'd kept Jake's feelings for her a secret from me, but that didn't make me any less angry. I needed time to let the hurt fade. As for Jake….well, I didn't know if I'd ever be able to forgive him. I felt deeply betrayed, and that wasn't something that was likely to go away anytime soon. Images of my mother and Jake flashed through my mind. How could I ever feel the same way about him again, knowing he'd once loved my mother? Had he held her the way he'd held me, touched her, kissed her the way he'd kissed me? What if he was still in love with her? I winced, the pain of that thought stabbing me right through the heart. Nahuel drew me into his arms, stroking my back in a comforting manner, murmuring softly to me. I was soothed by his warm embrace and his tender reassurances, but I stiffened as his lips brushed my cheek. His mouth lingered on my face too long to be classified as a friendly kiss. It felt a little odd, a bit too intimate. I pulled back from him slightly and tried to smile, not wanting to hurt his feelings.
"I apologize. I've obviously overstepped your boundaries," he said in a low voice.
"It's ok Nahuel, you haven't done anything wrong. You were just trying to make me feel better," I assured him.
He took a deep breath and said, "This may be an extremely inappropriate time, but I have a confession to make." He paused, as if he wasn't sure if he should continue. He stared at my face for a long moment, then took another deep breath. "You are a beautiful woman, Renesmee, and I've grown quite fond of you. The times we spent together when you visited me last summer were amazing for me. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. I didn't say anything to you before because I knew of Jacob's feelings for you, and didn't want to interfere. I feel as if I must take my chance with you now, though, before my aunt and I depart for South America. We're going back home when we leave Washington, and I don't know when I'll see you again. So I have to ask you…do you feel anything for me?"
I breathed deeply of the cold night air in an effort to calm myself. Nahuel was asking me if I wanted to start a relationship with him. Did I have those kinds of feelings for him? I wasn't sure. I searched within myself as he patiently waited. I gazed into the trees, thinking back on our time together. He was a dear friend to me, and I admired him of course, his beauty, his intelligence, his kindness and sense of humor. But did I love him, could I love him? I didn't know if I had it in me anymore. I'd given my whole heart to Jacob, given it freely without any hesitation or doubt, and it had been shattered. I didn't know if I could ever put the pieces back together, didn't know if I wanted to give what was left of my fragile, broken love to someone else. Nahuel certainly didn't deserve that. I knew for sure that I wasn't ready to let my guard down yet. I wasn't ready to make myself vulnerable to someone else.
"You are a dear friend to me, Nahuel, and I truly appreciate that friendship. I care for you as well, but I'm afraid it might not be the same way you feel about me. I'm…just not ready. I'm sorry." I looked down at the ground, shuffling my feet nervously. He placed a hand on my cheek and lifted my face so he could see my eyes. "Do not apologize. You have no control over the way you feel about me. If friendship is what you want from me, then it's friendship you'll get. You must know, however, that I do not give up easily on what I want. I'm a very patient man," he grinned. He hugged me briefly, and I smiled gratefully at him. I was relieved that he seemed to understand. He took my hand and we began walking again. I was glad to note that it was not awkward in the least. He asked me about school, and we chatted easily for the rest of our walk. I was very sad to see him go when he and his aunt left the following week. I promised him I would keep in touch, and would come to visit him as soon as I could. I retreated once more to the safe haven of my room. I continued my pattern of silence at home, becoming only slightly more animated at school. I tried very hard to keep up a cheerful façade, but I suspected that some of my friends, Wren at the very least, knew something was not quite right with me. She asked me about it a few times, but I always mumbled some lame excuse, and she eventually gave up. Kade ignored me completely. I guessed that he'd been humiliated when I hadn't responded to his show of affection and was either too embarrassed or too angry to speak to me. It was just as well. His errant kiss had proven to me that I had no feelings for him whatsoever. Besides, my love life, or lack thereof, was complicated enough. Kade flirted relentlessly with a tall blonde senior named Candace for a week or two, but she was already dating one of the football players and was not interested in him. He dated a few other girls, but none of the relationships lasted long. Whether they got tired of him or vice versa, I wasn't sure. He finally settled on Cynthia, to my mild displeasure. I couldn't believe how stupid she was acting. She'd pursued him from the first day he'd arrived here, watched him pursue me to no avail, then witnessed as he'd gone after and dated three other girls. Didn't she realize he was just using her? Well, if she was willing to let him walk all over her, who was I to say anything? I chose to ignore the situation.
The days passed monotonously, one blending into the next until I happened to look out my window one afternoon and noticed that spring had arrived in Forks. I opened the window to see that the trees that had shed their leaves in the fall had started to blossom, tiny bright green buds sprouting on their branches. A warm, sweet scented breeze drifted in to my room, and I closed my eyes and breathed it in. The roses and tulips were also beginning to bud. I'd been in my haze of seclusion for so long that I hadn't noticed the time passing by so swiftly. I decided to take a quilt outside so I could soak up the warm, buttery rays of the sun. I settled myself on the blanket, lying on my back and propping myself up on my elbows, just drinking in the sights and scents of the beautiful surroundings. My father looked out the glass door of his bedroom, and hesitantly opened it, walking slowly toward me. "May I join you?" he asked, pausing a few feet away from me. "Sure," I said quietly. He sat next to me, drawing his knees against his chest, folding his arms across them. We didn't say anything for a while. I wasn't sure he'd even been planning on speaking until he turned slightly to face me. "Can we talk?"
I sighed. Enough time had passed that the sharp edges of my pain had softened a bit. I had to admit to myself that it wasn't fair for me to continue to try to exclude my family from my life. It was affecting us all, and I just wanted all the hurt to go away. The best way to do that would be to talk out our problems. I nodded at him, but didn't say anything.
"Nessie," he began, "I know that you've suffered a great deal of hurt, that you are still hurting. It's been agonizing for me as well, to experience that suffering through your thoughts. Your mother is in pain too, and I can't bear it any longer." Guilt washed over me. The last thing I wanted was for my mother, or any of my loved ones, to hurt over me. But my own pain had clouded my every thought, had obliterated everything else from my mind. It had taken every ounce of energy I had to fight it, to try to get over it, so I didn't have much left for anything else. I'd been selfish, not stopping to think much about the pain I was causing everyone…causing Jake. My father nodded as he read these thoughts. "I don't believe that you're selfish, but yes, Jacob is in excruciating agony right now. It's been a struggle for me to try to stay out of his mind. When he thinks about you, which is practically every minute of the day, his mind is not a pleasant place to be," he winced, as if he could feel Jake's misery at that very moment. I buried my face in my hands. It felt as if Jake's pain was lancing my heart and mind as well. "Yes," he said, confirming my thought, "I can feel it. It's very similar to a pain I felt myself, several months before you were born. That's what I wanted to talk to you about, Nessie. I just hope you'll listen to my story so you can understand about your mother's relationship with Jacob."
"I'll listen Dad, I promise," I responded. I was curious to know how his pain was connected to Jake's feelings for my mother. Had it been mere jealousy, a love triangle? He told me the story of how, at one time, he believed my mother was dead. I was shocked. I sat up straighter, paying strict attention. He explained how, after falling in love with my mother, she'd been hunted by a sadistic vampire, how he'd fought to protect her and save her, and how she'd nearly been killed. Several months later, Jasper had tried to attack her when she'd accidentally cut herself. He'd decided then that he needed to leave her for her own good. It was the last thing he ever wanted to do, but he also felt it was the right thing for her at the time. Needless to say, my mother was heartbroken, devastated. She hadn't understood my father's reasoning. He'd had to lie to her, he said, as it was the only way she would have let him go. She'd gone into a near catatonic state, and stayed that way for nearly five months. When she resurfaced, she'd become friends with Jacob, finding solace in his company. They'd grown close, extremely close, and Jacob had fallen for her. My dad explained about the whole cliff diving incident, that Alice had seen it and thought that my mother had committed suicide. When he'd gotten the phone call from Rosalie about my mother's "death", he almost went insane with grief. He'd gone to the Volturi and asked them to kill him. I shuddered as he told me this. He must have really been out of his mind to do such a thing. Of course, Mom hadn't died, and she and Alice had flown to Italy to show him that she was still alive. Dad decided that he'd never leave her again after they'd been reunited.
He said he didn't care what they had to face after that, as long as they were together. But Jacob hadn't been able to get over my mother, even after she'd chosen my father. She'd realized she was in love with Jacob too, but she knew in her heart that my father was her destiny. She'd had to break Jake's heart, and he'd run away for a time, coming back to attend my parents' wedding reception. He'd stayed on the fringes of her life after that, not quite able to stay away from her. I winced. None of this was making me feel any better. "Wait, Nessie, just be patient and let me finish," Dad urged. I sighed and he continued. My mother's pull on Jacob only got stronger while she was pregnant with me, and he'd visited her every day, several times a day. Jake was sure my mother's life was going to end, that she wouldn't survive my birth, so he wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. He knew my father was planning on transforming her into a vampire the second I emerged, but he didn't have much faith in that plan. Of course, it had ultimately worked out, with me being born healthy and my father being able to save my mother. The moment Jake had looked into my eyes, as Rose had been feeding me, he'd imprinted on me. Dad told me that he'd seen what it had been like through Jake's eyes. His whole world had come together in the instant he'd realized that I was his reason for existing. I frowned. "So, basically, what you're saying is that Jake's feelings for Mom were trumped by his imprinting on me?" I didn't know if I was comfortable with that. Jake had told me that he'd had no choice in who he imprinted on. None of the wolves did. So was I supposed to be satisfied that everything had magically and conveniently worked out for Jake when he couldn't have my mother?
"That's not exactly the way it happened," Dad said, smiling gently at me. "When Jacob imprinted on you, it wasn't only his existence that made sense; the truth behind his feelings for your mother also became clear to him."
"I don't understand Daddy," I frowned again, absently plucking up blades of grass.
"Don't you see, Nessie? You're the reason Jacob was so attracted to your mother, why he couldn't stay away from her. Even before you were conceived, you had an amazingly strong pull for him. He was connected to you, to your very essence, before you were even thought of. You were the one that was drawing them together all along." I was silent as I pondered everything he'd just told me. I looked up to see my mother standing in the garden and I smiled at her, tears stinging my eyes. She rushed over to me and took me in her arms. "Mom," I sobbed, "I'm so sorry for the way I've been treating you."
"Honey, you have nothing to apologize for. I understand why you've been so upset. I'm sorry that you had to find out about Jake and I the way you did, that you had to suffer so much pain," she said softly, brushing my hair back from my face. "You deserve better than that."
"Dad was just explaining everything to me. I'm sorry I didn't give you the chance to tell me. I was just so mad, so hurt…if I hadn't been so stubborn, if I'd just listened to you…" I trailed off.
"Yes, I heard everything your father said. And it's alright Nessie. It's in your nature to be stubborn. Face it kid, you're just like me," she laughed. She took my hands and grew serious. "I was hoping that you'd never have to know about Jake and me because I knew it would hurt you deeply. But honey, what Jake and I had was all because of you, as your father said. We just didn't understand that until after you'd been born and Jake imprinted on you. I felt just as drawn to him as he was to me when I was pregnant with you, but all those feelings of romantic love disappeared when I woke up to my new life. Jake's feelings for me went away as well. The love that Jake feels for you is the kind that never fades away, a forever kind of love. The same kind your father and I share." Mom gazed at Dad lovingly and his face glowed with adoration as he reached over to stroke her cheek. "I'm so glad that you know the entire truth," she said, turning back to me. "Now that everything is out in the open, you and Jake can start to heal and move on with your relationship."
I knew firsthand what it was like to experience that kind of love. As angry and hurt as I'd been, I'd never stopped wanting Jake. A warmth began to seep into my veins as the realization of my parents' words sunk in. Jake really loved me. He'd only thought he'd been in love with my mother because she'd always had the potential to create me. They had never told me any of this because none of them had wanted to hurt me, hadn't wanted me to take it the wrong way. Which is exactly what I'd done. Jake had been beating himself up about this for months, needlessly wallowing in guilt, and I'd been none the wiser. But I had proven him right, hadn't I? I had reacted exactly the way he probably thought I would. I was ashamed of myself. I'd treated everyone so horribly because I was self-absorbed. I'd been spoiled my entire life, always expecting everyone to give me everything I wanted, no matter the cost. I was a terrible person, a monster.
"That's not true, Renesmee," my father said sternly. "You are a wonderful person, a loving, kind, beautiful, special young woman. I couldn't be prouder of you. You had your heart broken, sweetheart. Sometimes we lash out at others when we're hurting. You didn't know the whole story, and you'd been devastated."
Mom pulled me into her arms again, stroking my hair and giving my father a questioning look. He quickly explained to her that I was berating myself.
"That's because I was too stubborn to listen to the truth," I whispered. "Jake tried to tell me that night, and Mom tried to talk to me more times than I can count. I should have stopped and listened."
"Don't, honey. We love you so very much. Please don't be so hard on yourself," Mom whispered.
"We all make mistakes, Nessie. Heaven knows I've made my share. I made the biggest mistake of my life when I left your mother, and I will regret it until the day I cease to exist," he said softly, taking my mother's hand and kissing her palm.
"Edward," she breathed, pain in her voice. She put the hand he'd kissed against his cheek. He placed his hand over hers and smiled reassuringly at her, then turned back to me.
"Jacob will forgive you, sweetheart," he continued, "if you really feel the need to apologize to him at all. If I had my way, he'd be on his knees right here in front of you, begging you to forgive him."
"Oh Daddy, I love you," I half laughed, half sobbed.
"I love you too Nessie. You'll always be my little girl and I'll always do everything within my power to make you happy. You deserve happiness. Never forget that." He kissed my forehead tenderly.
"Nessie honey, I think you need to talk to Jake, let him know that you understand everything now," Mom murmured. I nodded, and got to my feet. Mom and Dad followed me back into the cottage, where I found Jake waiting for me in the living room. I gasped in surprise. Mom must have called him and told him to come over. I glanced at my parents, who were holding each other, leaning in the doorway. They were smiling.
Jake had an indefinable look on his face. I couldn't tell if it was fear, worry, sadness, anxiety, or a combination of them all. I stood there for a moment, just looking at him. He looked horrible, like he had lost some weight and hadn't slept in months. He stared back at me, desperately drinking in the sight of me, as if he was afraid I might vanish any second and he'd never see me again. I couldn't believe how foolish I'd been to cut him out of my life. A flurry of mixed emotions propelled me into his arms. I embraced him with every bit of my strength, locking my arms around his neck, never wanting to let him go. He held me tentatively at first, then with more strength and assurance as he realized I wasn't going to let go of him any time soon. My tears soaked the front of his shirt and he began to quiver with emotions I could only guess at.
"Promise me that we'll never be apart again," he whispered in my ear. His voice cracked and was hoarse, like he hadn't spoken in a long time.
I looked up into his eyes, and said solemnly, "I promise, Jacob. We'll never be apart, ever again. I love you and I want to be with you always."
I was slightly puzzled at the questioning look in his eyes. "Are you sure? Is it me you really want?" he asked. I frowned. How could he possibly doubt that he was the one?
"It's you Jake," I assured him. "It's always been you." I pulled his face down to mine and kissed him softly. He lifted me off the floor without breaking the kiss. We melted into one another. We were the only people in the world.