Pornography, Axes and Wallabies

Thanks be to GreyWizard once more!

I'll be honest, I was a little hesitant about posting this section, but I talked with some people and they said they thought it could work. I AM however, upping the rating for this chapter because it does deal with some sensitive issues. Note that I do not endorse such publications as described here, but I feel I have shown it to be a negative thing.

Three weeks later, just in time for the late July birthdays, Ron was packing up a small package to send to Neville, Dean and Seamus. It was a little something the twins had picked up in Knockturn Alley and tried to get rid of immediately once they realized what it was, but had failed to do so.

Ron, actually putting effort into something other than food, chess or quidditch for once, used a replication tool on the literature and felt it important to send to his friends. He did, however, forget that he should have just sent his only copy to two specific people.

This would be an action he would later regret.

When Neville received the package, he made the mistake of opening it at the dining room table. What he saw was something he wanted to make sure his grandmother never saw.

"Neville dear, what did your friend send you? A birthday present, perhaps?" his grandmother asked from the other end of the table. Neville turned crimson and lost his voice. A house elf glanced over and looked to the Longbottom Matron.

"Madame, it is a present of a personal matter for a teenaged wizard," the elf stated formally. Neville's Gran seemed to perfectly understand.

"Oh, well, carry on, then," she said, proud that her grandson was finally growing up.

Neville, for his part, wasn't sure what to do. There was a moral dilemma inside of him. He knew it wasn't right to keep it, not after the revelation of the gift.

However… maybe he should just take a long, long look before sending it along. Eventually, the package was forwarded to a Mr. Harry James Potter, along with instructions that he was to open it alone.

Harry watched as the package fell onto the table with the muggle post, something he found slightly ironic. Noticing his name on it, Harry opened it right there, not bothering with reading the note. What he found instigated emotions that fell somewhere between infuriating, horrifying and mortifying.

"Hairy Pooter and the Philosopher's Knob!" Hermione screamed in furious disbelief as she looked over his shoulder.

The package was Wizard porn, and this particular issue involved polyjuice potion and a few highly exaggerated bits of anatomy. Both teens wanted to crawl into a hole and die upon seeing versions of themselves in obscure forms of copulation in very animated magical photos.

Unfortunately for the wellbeing of the Wizarding World, Dawn Summers ran up at the sound of her daughter's scream and saw the cover.

To say that, in her opinion, the Wizarding World had gone too far was a little like saying the surface of the Sun was a little warm, or that the First Evil was just misunderstood and had unresolved anger issues.

"Oh, my god," said Harry in a shocked, numb voice. "That looks like I've got a Nimbus between my legs."

"And they added bludgers to my chest," growled Hermione. Together, they stared at the moving images with complete confusion. "I didn't even think that was anatomically possible," she reflexively commented as the two of them stared in horrified fascination, sort of like watching a train wreck in motion.

"It's not," Faith said looking it over. "Not unless you have your third rib removed."

Harry and Hermione shared another scandalized look.

"I don't even want to think about how you know that," Harry said.

"Didn't you leave?" Hermione asked, trying to get her mind off the horror publication.

"Left a few things," Faith said with a shrug. "Can't go anywhere without my favorite knife."

"...right."

Dawn didn't say anything. Dawn was too busy trying to keep things under control inside. She suddenly understood what Willow had felt when Tara died: it was like the world had betrayed her.

A parent's job is to raise, love and keep their children safe. Dawn thought she had done a pretty good job thus far, especially considering everything else that went on in their lives. But this was going too far. This wasn't her fault, but she was damn well going to fix it. Some things were just WRONG, and pictures of kids her daughter's age (not even counting that this was using her Hermione's face) were sharing the top ranks of Dawn's shit list, right up there with demonic ascension and causing apocalypses.

They would pay for what they had done to her daughter.

But control was important - very important.

Slowly, ever so slowly, Dawn managed to get her powers back under control. She was half tempted to open a portal from the Challenger Deep right into Diagon Alley, but then she remembered they could teleport. She'd need to solve that problem, first.

She leaned back and called into the kitchen. "Xander-honey, get your stuff; we need to axe the minister a few questions."

"Doesn't she mean 'ask'?" Harry asked Hermione.

"Oh no, not at all," his fiancée replied with a completely somber face. She hadn't ever seen her mother this angry before in her life.

Xander Harris-Granger ran out of the kitchen wielding the scariest axe Harry had ever seen. He also had a grin on his face that resembled the paint on a WWII bomber plane.

When Dawn saw him, she shook her head. "No Honey, go get the scary axe, honey."

"Really? The scary axe?" Xander asked numbly. Dawn just held up the nudie mag in front of his face. All humor drained away and the room abruptly seemed to get a little colder, or maybe that was just the smile Harry saw plastered on the man's face. "No, Dawnie, that deserves two scary axes."

He reached behind the couch and pulled out two axes so scary that even the mighty Gryffindor in Harry prompted him to cower being Hermione. Hermione and Dawn, on the other hand, thought it was an appropriate response considering the situation.

"Oh, don't worry, Harry," Xander said as he hefted one in each hand. "These aren't for you."

Just as they were about to leave, Buffy poked her head out from behind the counter where she was making a sandwich. "Have fun storming the castle!"

"Don't wait up!" Dawn called back.

Harry and Hermione would never find out exactly what Dawn and Xander did on their little trip to the ministry that day, but four days later, a man stripped, tied up in ribbon and wearing a bow with a card around his neck was found on their doorstep.

The card said: Stubby Boardman, Pornographer.

He was very, very scared.

Hermione turned back to the house. "Mum! It's for you!"

Stubby Boardman was neither seen nor heard from again.

"Hey! Look at this," Harry said, picking up the newspapers one fine morning. He had been, as usual, working on a breakfast worthy of an invading conqueror. This was the kind of breakfast that would have stopped Julius Caesar from crossing the Rubicon for fear of wiping out the crafter of such a fine morning meal. Harry served them up with relish. Granted it wasn't the first choice of condiment that most would spread on their omelet, but it was quite good even if the pun wasn't. "While I think the Skeeter woman is still the real problem, please read page three!"

His parents-in-law turned to page three.

"Wizengamot passes Obscenity Decree 2348 banning pornography from featuring images or actors of people under the age of 21," Xander read appreciatively. "Wow, producing such stuff imposes a mandatory six month stay in Azkaban. That's that magic evil prison you guys were talking about, right?"

"Thanks for whatever you did," Hermione said as she sat down at the counter. "That book was really scary."

Both she and Harry gave an involuntary shudder just thinking about it.

"So, Hon," Xander said. "What ancient and most noble tradition are we going to trounce today?"

"I was thinking maybe the wizy-game-pit, or whatever they call that cesspool of entitlement and stupidity," Dawn replied. "I have no respect for a governing body that sounds like the ball pit at the Double Meat Palace after toddlers let loose their diapers."

"And you have such a wonderful way with words, my dear," her husband responded with a grin. "But maybe we should wait until later. It'd be fun too, but why do everything at once?"

"Maybe we could just go to the zoo instead?" Harry asked.

And so they went to the zoo because it was generally agreed that zoos rock, even in the freaky realm of wizard land. But this was a "muggle" zoo so it was about fifty-three times as awesome as anything the Wizarding World could come up with. First of all, it had tapirs and by laws of awesome: tapirs rock.

"Hermione, little lovely creation of your mother and me," Xander said as they gazed out upon the faux plains that graced the marsupial enclosure. "Why do you always get so happy and excited when you see wallabies?"

"Because they're cute and come from Australia," she answered agreeably.

"They live in Scotland too," Dawn said to no one in particular. Heads turned in surprise. "What? They're an invasive species, but they do quite well in the Highlands!"

"We should get Hagrid a wallaby for his birthday," Harry mused.

"Maybe we could go hunting Wallabies in Scotland?" Xander suggested with a grin.

"No! No hunting!" Hermione said. "The last time we went hunting I went to Hell in a literal hand-basket and it took you two three months to get the Visas to get into Norway and five to rescue me!"

"Hell is in Norway?" Harry asked with surprise.

"Of course it is! It's just outside Trondheim!" Hermione replied with a huff.

"Oh hush! You were fine!" Dawn said, brushing the past aside.

"I was eight!"

"You shouldn't complain," Xander said. "Olaf turned into a pretty good friend over the years and he kept you safe."

"He said he was raising me up for merry sport in a couple of decades! I don't know what that was supposed to mean, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't good!" Hermione grumbled. Harry raised his hand. "What Harry?"

"I think I know what merry sport is," he told her. She gave him a quizzical look. He swallowed and nodded. "Just think like Faith for a second."

"Think like Faith? ...Ooooooh!" she said as she finally understood the meaning. She turned on her parents with a glare that made superman's heatvision look lame.

"It was only eight months," Dawn said with a roll of her eyes. "Why else do you think you can speak troll?"

"Wait, Olaf was a troll?" Harry asked. "Why do you keep having problems with trolls?"

"They hate fyarls," Hermione said before stomping off to look at the baby elephants. No matter how bad things get, baby elephants make people go "awwwe!" and stare.

"What's a fyarl and how is than an answer?" Harry asked Hermione's folks.

Both parents-in-law shook their heads. "I'll explain later," they replied in unison. Harry just rolled his eyes and followed after his wayward fiancee.