Harry landed, and hit the ground running. He hated the ground for what it had done, but he didn't have time to stop and give it the beating it deserved. He would have to multitask.

He ran up to the 3rd floor and down the maze of hallways until he found Ron and Hermione.

"Where's Neville?" asked Harry.

"He said he didn't want to break any of Dumbledore's rules, so he's getting a foot massage instead." replied Hermione.

"The perfect alibi…" thought Harry, so loudly that Hermione and Ron could hear him.

The door to the forbidden closet of mystery was ajar. They walked in and could hear the gentle tones of beautiful harp music. As their eyes adjusted to the darkness, they could see a large extra-dark shape taking up most of the room.

As the shape became more clear, Ron suddenly realized what it was.

"Slow jams and wizard hams! It's a giant dog!" Ron yelled. "And it's got three (3) heads!"

The dog woke at the sound of Ron's stridency (AN: look it up), and began looking around.

"The harp music stopped! Ron! Use the harp on the dog!" urged Harry.

Ron lifted the harp over his head and threw it at the dog. It collided with the giant pooch's nose, and broke into exactly one million pieces.

The dog turned its frown upside-angry and started growling at them.

"Smoke-screen fartsicus!" shrieked Hermione, aiming at the dog. Just as Draco had, the dog started billowing smoke from its backside. The three heroes put on their infrared goggles and navigated safely to the trap door, all the while dodging the blinded dog's random attacks.

They jumped in and fell down hundreds, perhaps hundred-and-tens of feet, and landed with a thump in some thick vines.

"Oh no!" said Harry. "Devil's snare! Just like in the movie!" He was right. As they struggled, the vines gripped them tighter.

"I've got this!" said Ron. "We're in a story, right?"

"Right." answered Hermione.

"And it's fiction, right?"

"Right."

"So none of this is real?"

"Right."

"So these vines aren't real?"

"Right. These vines aren't real."

They fell through the fake vines into the cavern below. Ahead of them was a door. Harry kicked it open. In the air were hundreds of keys flying around with little wings. The walls of the chamber were covered in portraits of the past American President, Calvin Coolidge. The floor was shag carpet, and there was a 5 foot deep pool of water on one side. There was only one other door out of the room, and it was locked.

"Everyone into the water!" encouraged Harry. "I have a plan!"

They jumped into the water and swam in place.

Harry announced his plan. "These keys can't fly if they don't have air! Everyone underwater!"

The three went underwater, and Harry stuck his wand above the surface and through a mess of bubbles, he mumbled out a spell. All of the air in the room was pulled into his wand, like the municipality's best vacuum cleaner. The keys struggled frantically, then dropped to the ground. After a few moments, they stopped twitching.

Harry returned the air to the chamber, and they climbed out of the pool.

"Good. They're dead." said Harry. "But they're all identical! How do we know which one opens the door? I don't want to try every key!"

"Wait. I have an idea." said Hermione walking over to the door. "Alohomora." The lock clicked open. She opened it, and they walked into the next chamber.

It was a giant chessboard. On the giant chessboard were giant chess pieces. Harry had never had the patience for chess. Neither had Hermione.

A knight lay on the floor, screaming about its butt. The Butt-Toucher had definitely been this way before them.

"Maybe they think we can butt-touch too." whispered Harry.

The three of them ran around the board, palms outstretched toward the pieces. All of the chess pieces quickly moved far away from them from fear of being butt-touched. All the pieces, that is, except the kings. They were fearless in their mission to lead their teams to victory. Also…

"They have no butts!" noticed Hermione. It was true. The cylindrically shaped kings were immune to their threats.

The giant stone kings started moving around, trying to crush the children between their giant stone bodies. The three kids ran and ran from the kings, but were starting to get tired. The kings, however, would never slow down.

Ron tripped over the knight that lay on the floor. Pow! He slammed down onto the floor.

"Ow! My ankle! I think it's broken!" Ron couldn't even scoot away from where he sat without his head spinning in pain.

The kings saw their chance, and took it.

"Oh nooooooooooo!" yelled Ron as the kings sped toward him. It was only seconds until Crush-Ron O'Clock.

Will our three brave heroes get out of this alive? Will they stop the Butt-Toucher from getting his hands on all the cool stuff in this forbidden closet of mystery? Will anyone else get butt-touched?

Find out all this and more in the rest of the story! Same Wizard-Time! Same Wizard-Channel!