Carmen's POV
Nervous. I am so nervous.
Deep breaths, Carmen. Deep, calming breaths.
"Ugh! Lydia, I'm not sure I can do this," I whined as I wrapped my arms around myself.
Lydia and I were on our way over to Dan and Phil's flat. Phil had called me earlier that day asking me if I could come over so we could see each other and catch up, since we hadn't been able to really hang out or even talk that much in the last couple of weeks.
He'd been really busy with the BBC radio show that he and Dan had started doing at the beginning of the month, plus he still had his channel to keep up with and little side projects he was doing with other Youtubers.
The last time I saw him I had basically had a bit of an emotional breakdown on him... It's so weird but I feel like that brought us closer together than having sex with him did.
He already meant a lot to me, but being able to open up to him about all of the things over the adoption and how I felt about it was just different. I'd never really had any kind of emotional connection like that with anyone.
He just held me and listened to me cry for hours and that meant so much to me. I already knew that I could trust him, but being able to be open about those kinds of feelings made me realize I could be open with him with other feelings too.
So, that's why I had decided that I was going to fell him how I felt about him.
Yes. After all of these years of keeping it bottled up inside, I was going to tell Phil that I was in love with him.
Now do you see why I'm so bloody nervous?!
"What if it scares him? I mean, we've only been together for a little over a month. What if it's just too soon?"
I had been so sure of now being the perfect time to tell him, but I was having second thoughts.
Hell, I was having third and fourth thoughts. I just didn't want to screw things up between us. He meant the world to me and I didn't want to lose him because he thought I was being overbearing or clingy.
Lydia reached over and pried one of my arms away from myself since I was still hugging myself like a crazy person. She linked her fingers with mine and smiled over at me. "Sweetie, he is like head over heels for you. It's so damn obvious. I don't think that it's too soon or anything. If he's not thrilled over the news then he's crazy."
I tilted my head as I studied her while she was talking to me. Something had seemed off about her since we got back from my parents' house. She wasn't quite as peppy as usual but I figured it was just because of the mental overload of everything we'd been through.
"Are you okay?" I decided to just ask because I hadn't before. I don't know.. I mean I know she's my sister and all of that, but I didn't want to pry and make her feel like I was trying to get in her business. "You've been acting... weird."
"Huh?" she seemed shocked by the question for a second. "Oh, I'm okay," she shrugged. "I just have felt mentally drained lately. Like days and days of not being able to wrap my head around everything happening," she sighed. "But I'm just going to focus on your happy stuff today," she squeezed my hand and smiled up at me. "You know I ship you guys so hard," she laughed.
For a total of thirty seconds I didn't feel like I was going to start hyperventilating. But then she mentioned Phil again.
"I know you do... And he obviously ships it too but," I stopped and groaned. "It doesn't make me any less terrified to tell him. Feelings are so scary. And these particular feelings have just been brewing in the depths of my chest crevices for years. I'm honestly shocked that they haven't just spilled out by now," I laughed. "I just hope that he'll be okay with it and not freak out. I mean could you imagine someone telling you they've been in love with you for years? I feel like he's just going to run the fuck away."
She took a deep breath and shook her head. "Dude, I can't even imagine. Love is so bizarre and scary to me. It's something I have like no experience with and literally makes me want to shit my pants when I think about it," she laughed. "But you are so amazing and strong. You can do this. You deserve to finally let it out and tell him after so long."
Cue another guilt trip.
After having that breakdown on Phil, I had been trying even harder to get closer to Lydia; but everything still felt the same between us. Like she was just some random person who had been tossed into my life.
It was easier to talk to her now, after getting everything off of my chest, and of course hearing Phil tell me that I wasn't supposed to just have some instant bond with her. This was real life, not some movie on Lifetime.
However, I still felt bad that I didn't have that kind of connection with her.
"You're absolutely right," I stated after going silent for a few seconds.
She was right. I could do this, even though it was scary.
I had already been through so much. Especially as of late, with finding out about being adopted and the fact that I had a sister and possibly an entire other family out there somewhere.
If I could deal with all of that, I could tell Phil how I felt about him.
"But I think I need some coffee first," I linked my arm through hers and started towards the Starbucks that was just up ahead.
I guess I was trying to delay our trip to their flat a bit. There was a little line inside, which I was thankful for, however the baristas seemed to working at an unbelievably fast pace this afternoon, making the line shorten much quicker than usual.
"Trying to get some caffeinated courage?" she asked, laughing as she patted my arm. "Poor thing. I'd do it for you if I could pull of pretending to be you well enough."
That was the most brilliant thing I'd ever heard and I was really considering letting her pretend to be me. "I think you could get away with it, honestly, if Phil couldn't tell us apart so well," I laughed. "It's still kind of weird that he can. I think he's only gotten us mixed up once."
The barista called for us to come forward and we ordered four caramel macchiatos and I got Phil a cookie, because I know how much he liked theirs, and well, sweets in general.
The trip to their flat from that point was really short. Too short. There wasn't a wait for the lift to come down, which was rare. It usually took ages.
When we got to their flat, Lydia and I both looked at each other again. She grinned at me reassuringly and I took a deep breath before I balled my fist up and knocked on the door.
Dan answered it and moved to the side so we could come in.
"You guys got Starbucks?! That's so mean," he pouted, looking down at Lydia with his bottom lip poking out.
"We got you guys some too," Lydia laughed as she handed Dan his Starbucks cup. "We're not that evil."
I noticed that Phil was on the couch so I darted towards it. Seeing him didn't really make me more nervous - but excited because I had missed him so much.
"Hi there," Phil smiled at me as he stood up from the couch.
"Hey!" I flung my arms around him, hugging him as I pressed a kiss against his lips. "I got you a caramel macchiato and a cookie," I informed him before pecking his lips again. "Also, I missed you." I gave him another peck and pulled away so that I could give him his drink and snack.
He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me back but when I pulled back he had the strangest look on his face. He sort of looked sad. I'd never seen him look at me like that before.
"Thank you," he said as he took them from me. "Um. Do you want to go to my room for a bit?" he asked, motioning towards the hall with his coffee.
Sex!
Yes!
Well, maybe not sex first. Or should we have sex first and then I let him know that I'm in love with him?
I glanced over at Lydia for a second and she grinned at me and nodded, and I looked back at Phil. "Yeah, of course I do." I smiled at him and then followed behind him to his bedroom.
I moved around him while he shut his door and went and sat down on his bed. I sat my drink down on the nightstand beside it and started unzipping my jacket to get a little more comfortable.
"How have you been?" I asked as I pulled it off of my arms. "I feel like I haven't seen you in ages," I sighed, looking up at him.
He still had that strange look on his face.
"I've been alright," he answered while adjusting his hair. "Just really, really busy. I didn't know the radio show would change our schedules this much. How have you been? You look well."
Okay, not only did he have an off look, but he didn't sound right either.
"I've been alright," I shrugged. "Missing you like mad," I grinned and patted the empty spot beside me. "Come sit down. I want to love on you. You look like you could use it," I laughed. "The radio show is awesome and I'm so happy for you, but yeah, the schedule is crap."
He brought his hand up to the side of his face and rubbed his cheek as he looked towards the window. "Carmen, I need to talk to you about something."
"Okay..." I shifted around on his bed. "There's something I wanted to talk to you about too," I cleared my throat. "Can you please sit down though? You're making me really nervous standing there like that."
He took a deep breath before finally moving and sitting down on the bed. He was on the edge of the end of it though, while I was closer to his headboard. "Do you want to go first?" he asked.
I started feeling really nervous again, and it's not because of what I had to tell him. It was because of how he was acting. "I can wait," I told him, looking at him with my head tilted. "What's going on? You're scaring me."
"Carmen," his voice was low and sounded so off. "This isn't working anymore." He motioned between us with his hand. "I'm busy all the time and never have time for you. You're going through so much and you need someone who can be there for you. Me staying like this with you is selfish. You deserve more."
My heart stopped then started to sink and I felt like I was going to throw up.
"W-what?" I stared at him as I tried to process what he had just said. Was he - was he - breaking up with me? "No.. Phil," I crawled towards him and reached for his hand. "I understand that you're busy. I do. And you've been there for me more than anyone else. You don't have to do this. I promise, it's okay with me."
He shook his head and he had the most devastating look on his face. His hand grabbed mine and he squeezed it as he looked up at me. "It's not okay with me though. You're amazing. So amazing," he sighed as he picked my hand up and pressed it against his cheek before kissing my palm. "But I just can't be what you need. I'm not right for you."
No. No. No. No. This cannot be happening.
"But.. you're everything that I need," my vision blurred as tears collected in them and started rolling down my cheeks. "You're perfect for me... Please, don't do this. I- I-" I couldn't bring myself to finish what I had come here to tell him, but started crying instead. "Please, just, don't. We'll figure it out." I moved our hands to my chest, holding them there tightly as I pressed a kiss against his knuckles. "Please, Phil."
His head was down but I saw a tear slip off of his cheek and onto the leg of his jeans before he quickly wiped it away. He gently pulled his hand away from mine and looked up at me again with tear filled eyes. "I'm so sorry," he whispered shaking his head. "I know that you're going to hate me after this and the thought of that absolutely kills me," he said as he put his hand over his heart and took in a deep breath again. "But this is what is best for you. Trust me."
He stood up from the bed and looked over at me like it would be the last time he would ever see me. "The past few weeks with you have been some of the best of my life and the selfish part of me is going to hate myself for letting you go."
"Then don't let go. You don't have to do this," I cried, desperation obviously high in my croaking voice. "Please don't do this."
He didn't respond, he just looked at me with sad eyes before turning away.
He walked to the door and opened it quickly then stepped out and shut it behind him.
I stared at the empty space where he had been standing without blinking, tears building up in my eyes so much that the entire room I was a spinning blur.
I felt nothing, but everything all at once. Numbness had spread through me so quickly and was so powerfully crippling that I couldn't move, yet there was this unexplainable ache in my chest that grew just as rapidly.
Watching him walk away was like being given an anesthetic that didn't take away pain; but left me cold and lifeless. Unable to move and barely breathing, while feeling the agony that coursed throughout my entire body as the realization set in.
He was gone.
Dan's POV
Meanwhile
I was being relatively quiet this afternoon but I had a lot on my mind. It seemed to be that way for everyone, actually. Phil had been acting weird all morning and not saying a lot.
Lydia was here now, and she too was being really quiet, sitting on the couch, sipping her coffee and paying a lot of attention to the tele.
It was just us two now, as Phil and Carmen had gone into Phil's room. Hopefully she could cheer him up, because he seemed to be really down for some reason.
I was very nervous, which wasn't something that happened often. Maybe that's why it was so intense. When my nerves got worked up, they got really, really worked up.
I couldn't even enjoy my tasty Starbucks macchiato, because my mind was all over the place.
I sat my drink down on the coffee table and turned my attention to Lydia. I studied the side of her face for a few seconds before I scooted over towards her. She had been acting really strange since we'd gotten back to London from being in the north over Christmas and New Years, and I had no idea why.
I'd tried asking her, but she kept being very vague with her responses, just telling me that she felt off and overwhelmed. Which is understandable given everything she'd been going through with Carmen and her parents.
But I thought that she would at least want to talk about it. Apparently I thought wrong.
"Can I steal your attention for a little while?" I asked as I scooted in towards her even more and put my arm around her shoulders. "I'm starting to get jealous of the tele," I laughed, leaning in to kiss her. "I've missed you, by the way. It's been odd not being able to see you everyday."
She smiled against my lips and brought her hand up to the side of my face. "I've missed you too," she replied, rubbing her thumb over my dimple like she did so often.
I grinned at her and sighed happily. When she smiled at me like that, and touched me like that, it was so calming... Perhaps even a bit too calming. "That's good," I pecked her lips again and then pulled back so I could see her face. "Also, I think I'm, um.." I paused and laughed. "I think I'm falling in love with you."
I just blurted it out because if I didn't, it wouldn't get said and being the honest person that I am, I wanted her to know.
I heard her breath catch in her throat and her eyes got wide. "What?" she whispered and then slowly started shaking her head. "No. No, Dan," she said as she pulled away from me and put her head in her hands. "Oh my God," she whispered before raising her head up again and I could see that there were tears streaming down her face and her hands were shaking. She looked over at me and started crying harder. "You cannot love me," she shook her head. "I am so-" she paused while holding her hand up in the air "so completely fucked up," she laughed humorlessly. "I'm so stupid," she said as she stood up from the couch while running her fingers through her hair.
I was a little in shock by her reaction, but I stood up too and closed the space between us. "What?" I said quietly as I put my hands on her shoulders, pulling her in against my chest. "You're not stupid... and you're not fucked up. You're-" I paused, trying to think of a word that summed her up. "Amazing," I looked down at her.
She let me hold her for a few seconds and then pulled away while shaking her head again. "I am not amazing. I am so completely flawed and not in the cute loveable way or whatever," she told me, still crying as she spoke. "I don't even know how to love anyone. I have no idea of what it means. I've never felt it. I've never said it and really meant it." She started crying harder as she stared up at me. "I am stupid because I have let this go on and didn't think that something like this could happen. I truly did not think someone like you could really love me." She put her hand over her heart and a sob escaped her throat that visibly shook her body. "I'm so wrong for you. You need someone wonderful and who has a fucking heart. Someone like my sister."
"Lydia," I sighed, stepping towards her, but keeping a little bit of a distance, because I didn't want her to run away from me. I wanted to grab her up and hold her because seeing her like this was heartbreaking. "I didn't mean to upset you," I whispered. "Please, don't say things like that. You are amazing, and you've got a great heart. A beautiful mind.. We're all flawed, that's what makes you so beautiful.. I didn't expect you to say it back to me, I just wanted to tell you, because you deserve to know the truth, and that's the truth. I'm falling in love with you. All of you... I know it's scary for you. I know how you grew up, what you're going through now.. but, I can teach you how to love," I slowly reached out towards her and pressed my palm against her cheek. "You don't have to be afraid."
She closed her eyes and her bottom lip trembled as she nuzzled her cheek against my hand. But before she could reply the sound of a door opening and footsteps down the hall interrupted us.
We both looked over to see Phil walking down the hallway. I had to stare at him for a second to be sure of what I was seeing. He looked like he had been crying.
"I'll be back later," he mumbled while walking as fast as he could towards the door not even bothering to grab his jacket.
"Oh God," Lydia whispered while looking towards the hallway. "Carmen?" she called out as she pulled away from me and began making her way towards Phil's room.
I followed behind her. It hadn't really occurred to me that Carmen might be upset until I heard Lydia say her name. My mind was too foggy. I had too many things to process at once, with Lydia's reaction and the sight of Phil.
I heard a loud sob, one that sounded just like Lydia's, only it wasn't her, it was Carmen.
I stood at Phil's door and my heart sank further at the sight of Carmen sitting on Phil's bed. I couldn't even see her face, because it was buried against her knees but the sight of her shaking body along with the cries coming out of here were more than enough to break anyone's heart.
Lydia paused in the middle of the room and stared at her for a second. "Carmy, what happened?" she asked in the most sad sounding voice as she crossed the room and sat on the bed. She wrapped her arms around Carmen and forced her to unwrap her own from her knees so she could hold her.
Carmen shook her head as she lifted it; her face was scrunched up, red, and covered in tears. "He-he- broke up-" she let out another loud sob and moved her hands to cover her face, "-with me."
I moved over to the bed and sat down on the other side of her, unsure of what to do or say to her. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and sent Phil a text message asking him what the hell had happened, though I wasn't really expecting to get a reply from him.
"Oh my God," Lydia gasped staring at her in disbelief. Both of them had tear stained cheeks and just looked like complete emotional messes sitting there.
I was so bloody confused.
"I'm so sorry," Lydia said as she pulled her in for a hug and kissed the side of her head. "Why in the world would he do something like that? He acted like he was so happy with you? This makes absolutely no sense."
"I don't know," she cried and shook her head. "He just said it wasn't working and- and- he didn't have time for me and- that it wasn't fair- and-" another really loud sob came out causing her voice to croak. "I feel like I can't breathe. It hurts so- bad. I- I love him, Lydia and he- he just- he's gone and I tried get him to stay but he wouldn't listen. He left.. He's gone and- and it hurts."
I'd never seen her like this. I'm not sure I had seen anyone like this before, honestly. It was like she couldn't control herself at all.
"I should-" Carmen's breath caught in her throat, "I-I can't be here right now and- I just want to leave. Can we- can we please just go?" She asked Lydia without looking at her. "Will you come with me? I-I don't want to be alone."
"Of course I will," Lydia said without hesitation. She got up from the bed and grabbed Carmen's jacket before helping her put it on and then helping her get off of the bed. "Come on. We'll just get a cab so we don't have to walk to the tube and be around people," she told her as she reached up and wiped some of the tears away from Carmen's cheeks.
"I'm really sorry," I spoke up as I stood up from the bed and followed them out of Phil's room and down the hall. "I don't know what's gotten into him, but I'll see if I can find out for you."
Carmen shook her head then looked up at me and wiped her face. "Don't bother," she sniffled. "I know you don't want to be in the middle of it, it's okay. He just-" she was speaking fine until she started to mention Phil. Her voice croaked and she started crying again as I pulled her against my chest to give her a hug.
I patted her back as I looked at Lydia. I hated to be selfish but I really wanted to finish our conversation. Of course I knew that it couldn't happen. She needed to be with Carmen now more than ever.
"I'll call you later?" I offered as I opened the door for them.
"Yeah," she nodded without looking at me as she slipped her jacket on. Once she was at the door she stopped in the doorway and turned around looking up at me again. There were tears in her eyes and she was biting her bottom lip.
Out of nowhere she stepped forward and stood on her tip toes to hold my face and press her lips against mine. "I'm so sorry," she whispered so softly I barely heard her before she let go of me and walked out the door.
I watched as she disappeared down the hallway.
I don't know how I knew it; perhaps it was how she touched me and how she looked at me when she said that she was sorry.. but I knew I had lost her.
Phil's POV
I don't know how long I'd been walking. I knew that my face, fingers, and toes were numb though. It was getting dark and I was starting to feel so bloody tired emotionally as well as physically.
I spotted a bench a few feet away and made my way over to it to sit down.
What the hell had I done? I must have been completely mental.
No. No, I wasn't. What I did was right. It was horrible to hurt her so badly but it had to be done because if I didn't then she would have been much more hurt later on.
No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get that look of pure devastation she had on her face out of my head or the way she sounded when she begged me not to end things. It made me want to throw up because it hurt so badly.
It felt like someone had ripped part of me out of my chest. Nothing felt right anymore. It had only been a few hours and I already felt completely lost without her.
My phone vibrated in my pocket and I sighed as I reached into it to see who it was. I had been ignoring it since I left.
Several texts were from Dan asking where the fuck I was and if I had lost my mind. One was from Lydia saying we needed to talk as soon as possible.
Nothing had come from Carmen and I wasn't really shocked by that. I knew I would probably never see her name flash across my screen again.
Finally, I decided to make my way back to the flat. I took a bus instead of walking. I'd managed to make it at least 4 miles away from there and I didn't have the energy to walk back.
I was really not looking forward to whatever Dan would have to say to me when I walked in.
I stopped in front of the door and sighed as I leaned my forehead against it while trying to mentally prepare myself for him to rip me a new asshole. Carmen was his best friend and he'd threatened me before about hurting her. I hoped I didn't manage to fuck up mine and his friendship along with everything with Carmen.
I unlocked the door and walked inside. The kitchen was dark and I peeked into the living room. Dan was sitting on the couch with his arms folded and his head leaned back against the wall. The volume on the tv was barely loud enough to hear.
I walked in without saying anything and sat on the chair across from the couch. "I know you're probably pissed off at me right now but please believe me when I tell you that I had real reasons. I needed to keep her from getting hurt anymore."
Dan uncrossed his arms and held his hand up without looking at me. "I don't have the energy to scream at you right now, Phil," he informed me. "And I certainly don't have the energy to hear your rubbish excuses for what you did to her." He finally looked over at me. "I just hope you're happy with yourself, because I've never seen someone look so destroyed."
Once again it felt like someone had ripped something from my chest. I had to try very, very hard not to just cry because honestly that's all I wanted to do.
"No. I hate myself for it. I'm a piece of shit and I know that. I just hope you don't hate me for it. I hope you can just trust me and know I had a real reason for doing what I did." I kicked my shoes off and sighed as I rubbed my hand down my face. "I'm sure Lydia isn't too thrilled with me either."
"You should," he replied simply. "And you are, but no, I don't hate you," he said then looked away. "I'm sure you have a great reason for doing it," I could see him roll his eyes before he glanced back over at me when I mentioned Lydia. "Well that makes two of us that she isn't thrilled with then."
"What?" I asked completely caught off guard by what he said about Lydia. "Why would she not be thrilled with you? She adores you."
"Because I told her that I'm falling in love with her, that's why," he said sounding agitated. "She must adore me just as much as you adore Carmen, because when I told her, she wasn't too happy about it."
I know my eyes were probably as big as saucers. I had never known Dan to say he was in love with anyone. He was so bloody picky. But, I was too so I couldn't say much about that.
And I'd finally gotten the perfect girl and completely fucked it up.
Oh look! Another wave of self hate smashing into my face.
"She wasn't too happy about it?" I asked sounding as shocked as I was. "Dan, that doesn't make any sense. It's very obvious that she's in love with you. Have you ever seen the look on her face when you walk into a room? It's like a 5 year old just walked into the bloody North Pole or something."
I could tell he was trying not to smile; usually he couldn't force his grins away, but apparently right now he was upset enough to do so. He sighed loudly as he looked over at me, shaking his head. "Shut up, Phil," he groaned and rolled his eyes. "You didn't see her when I told her and you didn't hear the things she was saying to me.. She's gone. I've lost her," he shrugged.
I'd never seen Dan look so devastated.
"Wow." I was honestly astonished. I realized then that I hadn't spent a lot of time with Lydia since all of us had started these relationships. It had been a long time since we sat and talked like we did when we first met. Now I was wishing that wasn't how things were because maybe I'd have some insight into what the hell was going on.
"Well, this has ended up being the day from hell," I sighed as I laid my head back against the couch and closed my eyes. "I am sorry that happened though," I told him as I looked over at him again. "Maybe you haven't lost her. Maybe she was just overwhelmed or something. I mean, her entire life has been turned upside down. I can't imagine what's going on in her head or..." I stopped speaking because I couldn't even bring myself to say her name out loud.
"Maybe," Dan shrugged. "Or maybe not. I don't bloody know. None of it makes any sense to me. All of the signs were there that she might have felt the same way. Cute text messages, hanging out with me all the time, having sex with me," he scoffed. "But then again," he paused and shifted his eyes over to me before he moved to stand up. "I'm sure Carmen wasn't expecting what you did to her. Neither of us saw this coming," he laughed dryly as he moved around the couch and into the kitchen, reappearing a few seconds later with two bottles of beer.
He chucked one at me then sat down and sighed loudly.
Wow. Dan was really good at guilt trips. I totally deserved it though.
"I'm sure she didn't," I replied as I opened my beer. "But I'm also sure that Lydia had a damn good reason for reacting to you the way she did just like I had a good reason for doing what I did."
"Oh yeah, you had a damn good reason, I'm sure," he said sarcastically before taking a swig of his beer. "It's so bloody good that you can't disclose it, right?" he looked at me with his head tilted, a faint fake smile on his face. "I figured so. But hey, it's not like you have to explain yourself to her or anything. I'm sure she'd be much better off believing the bullshit excuse you gave her about being busy."
Okay, he was being an asshole. I didn't quite think it was entirely because of what I had done though.
Dan sighed again and his head fell back against the couch. "That was mean. Sorry. I'm just not in the best mood."
I took a sip of my beer and shrugged. "I deserved it."
I can't begin to tell you how much it sucked to have my best friend looking down on me and to know that I hurt someone who meant so much to me. I honestly felt like I deserved any sort of asshole behavior directed towards me because I was an asshole.
I didn't even want to imagine how shitty things were about to get. We'd gone for weeks as a little foursome. Other than the couple of weeks Dan and I had been working so much and barely had time to be around them, we'd been with the girls pretty much any time we had free time.
My phone started vibrating in my pocket and I nearly threw my beer across the room by flailing to get up and pull my phone out of my back pocket. My heart felt like it dropped out of my ass when I saw Carmen's name on the screen. I unlocked my phone to read the text and was immediately confused.
PhidjiofjasfxXdfjisdoed-9
Lydia's POV
"No, Carmen!" I squealed as I dove towards her and managed to grab her phone. "Sisters do not let sisters text while drunk!" I said as I held the phone above my head so she couldn't get it.
I looked up at the phone to see that in the process of getting the phone from her I'd managed to send Phil a lovely text of gibberish.
Oops.
"Bad Carmen!" I pointed at her and laughed as I slid her phone across the floor out of her reach.
"But," Carmen poked her bottom lip out at me as she collapsed back against the couch. "Lydiiiia. I miss him so much already. I just want to talk to him," she made a sad pitiful face before hiccuping. "What am I supposed to do? Just go on like the last month never happened?" Her face scrunched up and I thought she was going to start crying again.
No. No. No. No. I had finally got her to stop crying. She couldn't start doing that again.
"No!" I yelled as I crawled towards her. I panicked and I was drunk so the first thing that popped into my head to do was lift her shirt up and blow a raspberry on her stomach. I lifted my head up and grabbed her face. "You are supposed to go on like you're a fucking amazing person who deserves amazing things in life. You are supposed to learn from this bullshit and be better. You're supposed to keep making awesome videos and making awesome money because of your awesome videos. And you are supposed to keep hanging out with your twin sister," I grinned.
She giggled and flailed around then slowly stopped to listen to my drunk rambling. "Amazing things?" she tilted her head. "Phil is amazing. He's Amazing Phil," she grabbed the sides of her head as she shook it. "I'm going to keep hanging out with you.. You're my sister. I still can't believe I have a sister. One that looks just like me.. It's so weird. Everything is weird and everything sucks. Not you, because I like you.. But then again, I love Phil and he's-" he stopped and sighed as she pushed herself up off of the couch.
She stumbled across the living room over to the wall were our coats were hanging. She pulled down a hoodie that I knew wasn't hers and slid it over her head as she stumbled back towards where we were sitting, the ends of it draped around her knees.
"I just want to hug him again," she said quietly as she pulled the hood over her head then wrapped her arms around herself, inhaling deeply through her nose.
I felt like a total piece of shit. Here I was with a guy telling me he was in love with me and I'd flipped out on him like someone who belonged in a padded room and my sister was in emotional ruins over the guy she loved breaking up with her.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
I watched her as she basically cuddled with herself to feel close to Phil because that was his hoodie and I realized that I missed Dan. I wanted to be cuddling with him, kissing him, anything with him.
Was that love? Was I in love and didn't know?
Who the fuck even has to ask herself that question? I was such a fucking mess.
"Another shot?" I asked with a sigh as I picked up the tequila bottle.
Carmen looked up at me and untangled her arms from around herself to grab her glass off of the table and held it out for me to refill. "I'm sorry I stole you from Dan. I know you'd much rather be with him and not with me crying every other five minutes. Thank you for staying with me, though, it means a lot because I really don't want to be alone right now," she nodded and sniffled. "I hope this doesn't screw everything up."
"You're my sister. You come first and you always will," I said before bringing the bottle to my lips and taking a sip out of it. I decided the shot glass was pointless. "And I don't think Dan and I will be spending much time together anymore anyway. I guess the foursome is officially dead."
I don't know why the fuck I decided to say that but I instantly regretted it because it made me think of how much fun we all had together. I felt like we were some odd little family and it had just hit me that it was over.
I bit down on my lip because I felt it quivering and I felt that burning sensation you get in your eyes before you cry.
NO. No. No. No crying. This night is about Carmen. Calm down. Calm down.
"Why not? You two were getting so close," she said as she took the bottle from my hand and threw her head back to take a drink. Or a guzzle. She sat it down on the table and leaned back. "You can't tell him that I told you this because I was sworn to best friend secrecy but you're my sister right? He's so into you," she looked over at me and grinned. "I wish Phil was into me," she said then burped.
That set me off and I knew I couldn't hold it back. The tequila made it fly out of my face like word vomit.
"He is into me," I told her as I started to cry. "He told me he was in love with me tonight and I flipped the fuck out because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing," I threw my hands in the air and flailed my arms around. "I don't know what the fuck love feels like. He doesn't need to love someone like me. I'm like defective or something," I covered my face with my hands for a second before looking up at her again. "I feel like such an asshole. He wants me and I ran away and all you want is for Phil to want you. I'm such a fucking idiot. But so much is going on right now, ya know? I just found you and that's a very big deal and then I'm dealing with my parents keeping you from me and then I'm dealing with knowing that they made a fucking contract to keep you from me. It's like the only people who have ever loved me are people I feel like I don't even know anymore and I failed my last semester of law school and I'm in a whole other country and I don't know where to go or what to do." I finally finished rambling and took the tequila bottle before taking a long swig of it.
"He loves you?" she finally responded after staring at the side of my face with wide eyes. "Do you love him?" she asked as she pulled her knees against her chest and wrapped her arms around them, cuddling herself again.
"I don't know," I shook my head as I reached up to wipe my tears away. "I never thought he'd fall in love with me. I really didn't." I took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. "I'm so sorry. I know I sound like a totally crazy piece of shit to you right now. I shouldn't have said anything. You're dealing with enough."
"No you don't," she rested her chin on her knees. "We can be sad together. You've had to listen to me cry for hours now. It's only fair if I do the same," she sighed. "But the fact that you're crying at all means a lot if you think about it. I don't know how you feel, but right now I feel... lost?" she laughed weakly and her face contorted again and she sniffled, rubbing the side of her face against Phil's hoodie to wipe away the tear that had fallen from the corner of her eye. "And it's like I can't breathe, and there's this pain that nothing can take away. The only thing that makes me feel even the slightest bit better is thinking of being with him again," she swallowed hard. "But then I realize that won't ever happen and-" she started shaking her head and unwrapped her arms to press her hands against her face. "-it just starts hurting all over again."
Hearing her talk like that just devastated me more and a whole new wave of tears decided to come. I crawled over to her and sat next to her before wrapping an arm around her so that I could snuggle her against me. "I honestly think that he loves you," I told her, sniffling after I spoke. "I think things will work out. You two are too perfect for each other for it not to." I laid my cheek on the top of her head and sighed. "And until we figure all this shit out we've got each other to lean on and cry to. I don't care how many times you need to do it. I'm here for you. I wish I could take all your pain away. I hate seeing you like this."
"Why would he do this if he loves me?" she Shook her head as she cried. She got quiet and I could feel her body shaking as she started taking in a few deep, shaky breaths. "I wouldn't want you to. No one deserves to feel like this," she finally spoke again, wiping her face. "You're dealing with so much. I shouldn't even be adding my problems to it... And then on top of everything else, you've got the issues with Dan. I know I shouldn't say this, but you're so lucky... He loves you. That's such a rare thing to find.. That's what makes all of this so much harder, because when you love someone, you want to cling to those feelings but I know I need to figure out a way to let go. I just don't know how to.. I don't want to. I love him, Lydia. I just- I love him so much," she cried.
I was glad she couldn't see my face because I was breaking out with the ugly cry and managing to keep it pretty quiet. "I don't care if you add your problems to it," I managed to tell her through my crying. "This is part of what being sisters is about, right? Being there for each other no matter what. That's what's most important to me right now. And I am lucky."
I squeezed her harder and was basically clinging to her. It felt like I was actually in physical pain. I wanted so badly to be able to sort myself out right then and know for sure what to do. I needed to know what was right and not just for me but for Dan.
I also wanted to fix everything for Carmen and Phil. Something told me that I knew exactly why he had done what he did and if I was right, it could be fixed easily. I just needed to talk to him about it all.
There was no way that I was going to let my ship sink without a fight, dammit.