The three following days were exhausting for Arizona. She barely left bed, sleeping the most of the times.
The first day, she was told not to get up to let her leg rest. April came and the two friends had spend their afternoon looking on line for some items.
The second day, Arizona had an appointment with her shrink. She needed it and was relieved to have that session. So much was going on around her that she felt unable to handle it on her own.
And the third one, Callie came with a readjusted prosthetic, specially adjusted for her. The two woman hadn't seen each other since the sweet time they shared three days ago. They haven't text or call neither. It was not avoidance. It was a way to process that sudden closeness.
So while Callie opened the door, she found Arizona, standing with the help of her crutchs, looking trhought the window. It was a rainy day on Seattle. The sky was grey and so was Arizona's mood. Callie noticed it immediately. She didn't need to see her face to know it. That's why she approached Arizona slowly and carefuly, nearly tiptoeing.
Puting the prosthetic on the bed, she reached the windows, taking a quick look at Arizona, then turning her sight to the sky.
« I bring your prosthetic. I think it will be easier and less painful for you now. » Callie said, still looking throught the window. « Can I look at your leg ? »
Arizona turned her gaze toward Callie and nodded, not saying a word or let any emotion appear on her face. She head back to her bed, putting her crutch on the floor and let Callie take a look.
« It's healing well ! » Callie smiled. « Any pain ? »
Arizona shook her head no, and tears began to appear in her blue eyes while she lay back on her bed. A little uncomfortable, Callie approached the chair next to the bed side and sat.
« Hey, hey ! What's going on ? » She whispered. « You want to talk about it ? »
She received a long and deep sigh in first answer. Arizona was trying to apply what her shrink had taught her to calm down. Taking deep breath after deep breath, eyes closed, clenching her fists, she was trying with everything she had to get everything together.
Feeling the distress Arizona seemed to enduring, Callie took one of her hand.
« Let it go...I'm here. » Callie whispered in her ears.
Grabbing Callie's hand with hers, Arizona opened her eyes and met the other woman's gaze for a moment, before closing them back.
Callie felt a request of help in this grip. « I'm here. I will alway hold your back. » She said again. « Don't be afraid to feel what you're feeling. »Feeling the tense going a little away, Callie stroke slowly her blondes curls.
When thing returned to normal, Arizona relieved Callie's hand and open her eyes, wiping the tears with her thumb, sniffling a little. Callie handed her a welcomed glass of water.
« Thank you ». Arizona simply said, putting the glass on the table.
« You're feeling better ? » Callie asked, worried.
« Yeah... Seem that shrink's giving me good tip » Arizona replied. « It's better than hitting that damn wall with my barehand I guess... »
Callie swallowed hard hearing Arisona's confession. She didn't know if she had to go further with the question or to let it go. It had always been difficult for Arizona to share, she was a private person. Even after years by her side, there was a lot of think that Callie didn't know about her past or about her thought.
Wanted to help her, Callie tried to avoid the subject by returning to the prosthetic.
« You want to try it on ? So if doesn't fit, I can take it back immediately. » She said.
« I'd like to know if you have forgiven me. » Arizona replied. « I want to know if you trust me. Because, I can't even trust myself. »
A silence settled, Callie looking at the floor and Arizona staring at her. Why was she asking it now ? Why after the sweet and loving moment they shared a few days ago. Was it because she hadn't seen or heard from Callie after it ? Was it because talking with the shrink had made buried fears coming back ?
« I... I have forgiven, not forgotten. « Callie said. « Regarding the trust, I think I have to learn to trust you. »
« I know... » Arizona sighed.
« Why are you thinking about it, now ? » Callie asked.
« I don't know. I'm struggling...against myself. I'm just a freak... » Arizona confessed. « And don't tell me I'm not because I am ! A second I'm happy, making plans and the other I'm sad or angry, and I want to run away and never look back. Before you came in, I was thinking of leaving everything behind me after... It would be over... And now I... »
Tears got into Callie's eyes. She knew that Arizona was struggling herself. That no more expected pregnancy was playing with her hormones at some point, and it was bringing back dark memories and insecurities the woman had always suffered from.
But Callie felt that they were just going forward. So those words meant nothing else but stepping back to her.
« I feel so fucked up ! » Arizona confessed. « I thought I was better, and then I don't know why, I'm totaly going crazy, like totaly insane ! And I can't help it ! I'm loosing control. And The last time I felt like that, I... »
« You slept with another woman. » Callie coldly cutt her of.
Arizona nodded and sat on the edge of the bed. A tense silence appeared between them. Silently, she took the prosthetic and put it on, without a word or a look for Callie. Standing up slowly, she took a few steps to test it and felt the difference.
« Wow, this is so much more comfortable and easy ! Thank you! » Arizona said, smiling to a puzzled Callie.
She walked to the nearest wall and stopped. Sighing, she hardly punched the wall with her left fist. Totaly shocked by the scene she just witnessed, Callie rushed and take Arizona's hand in hers.
« Are you crazy ? » She yelled at her.
Arizona closed her eyes while Callie look at her hand nervously. After a few second, with Callie's help, she sat on her bed and smiled at her. Totaly confused Callie focused her attention on the hand.
« That's what I should have done when she... Whatever... » Arizona said. « I didn't know what else to do. I'm sorry... I didn't want to hurt the baby. I guess that focusing on that physical pain it's the only way I found to avoid the psychological pain... Pretty basic, uh ? I wished so badly you didn't see that, but you saw it... But I feel better, And you have all the reason to think I'm crazy. »
Callie didn't replied. She left the room without a word. Arizona shook her head in comprehension. Rubbing her fist, she was thinking that Callie was pissed at her and that she wouldn't see her for a while. She couldn't blame herself, because even herself didn't want to be arounf her.
But instead, she saw Callie, coming back to her with a ice pack. Sitting next to her, she took Arizona's fist and put the ice on it, making the blonde winced.
It made Callie smile.
« The next time, you better think twice, or I will punch you. And I remember you that I know where to hit... » Callie joked. « Don't you think I'm freaking out every day ? It's normal Arizona... This news is so … It's normal to be scared, to be excited or to be happy... What it's not normal is that we have just a few days to deal with that emotional chaos instead of several weeks ! »
« I'm sorry... » Arizona apologized, leaning her head on Callie's shoulder. « I hope we're going to handle it... And I hope that one day, you'll tell me that you'll trust me. »
« I will. It will take time but I will. » Callie said, leaning her head on Arizona's. « And I hope that one day, you'll stop apologizing for every move you make Arizona. You don't have to. »
« I'll try » Arizona whispered.
Callie slowly raised her head and kissed Arizona's forehead.
« Keep that ice pack on your hand please. » She said as she got up. « Oh and I forgot to tell you something. »
« What ? » Arizona asked.
« My father will be here tomorrow. I have surgery ! See you ! » Callie confessed, leaving the room as fast as she could, leaving a speechless Arizona.
…...
Miranda Bailey was bandaging her patient's hands, grumbling.
« What is wrong with you ! I've always been told that doctors are the worst patients, but it's more than true ! Look at that ! »
« I won't do it again... » Arizona replied.
« You must be kidding me ? » Miranda growled. « If you were upset you just had to push that freaking red button ! »
Rolling her eyes, Arizona looked at her friends. Grumbling Bailey was her favourite and she usually loved to teased her.
« Is there a way you can forbid acces to my room to a person... » Arizona asked trying to change the subject.
« Why would I do that ? » Miranda asked her, finishing her work.
« Because Callie's Dad is coming tomorrow. I don't know why and it doesn't matter. I don't want to see him. But I know her. She'll let him come here. So maybe if my personnal doctor forbit it ... »
« Absolutely not ! You're not even supposed to be here ! So you won't have any preferential treatment ! » Miranda explained. « Suck it up Robbins ! Let the man be happy to be a grandfather ! »
Arizona stared at her friends with mid closed angry eyes. She didn't want to see her own parents, so why would she have to deal with her ex father in law she barely knew.
« I thought Dr Manning wanted to see me tomorrow... » Arizona tried. « I need to ask her a lot of things... »
« Your appointment is at 10... Won't be very long. » Miranda said before leaving the room. « He was worried about you. I was there when Callie called him. »
« But I don't know what to tell him. I won't be able to be natural around him. He's so... scary sometimes. The last time I saw him, i swear to god he should have kill me with his eyes ! It was during the trial and Callie had just told him about our break up... »
« It's a all new story here, and you know it ! » Miranda told her friend. « Callie will be here with you. It will be easier. »
« You think so ? » Arizona asked. « I'm trying Bailey... I'm really trying. Callie is so supportive. And I'm so screwed up... »
« No you're not. It's that situation that is ! » Miranda reassured Arizona. « You are going to be okay Arizona. You're strong, you've been throught so much worst ! It's destabilizing, I get that. But you' re going to give birth, and that's something that you'll never forget. And I know that you're scared, that your private life is complicated, but when you will hold your son in your arms, everything will get back to its place. You're going to forget about all the darkness you think you're stuck right now and you will focus on him. You're already a mother, but Sofia's birth had been so hard. The accident and Callie's deeply injured had prevent you to enjoy it. Here, you'll be surrounded by friends and family, and everything will go smoothly. You're not alone and you'll never be anymore. »
Listening to Bailey made something click in Arizona's mind. Her friends had talked sincerely to her, using simple and strong word.
Despite her moods swings and her fears, she already loved that baby. Despite her doubts and the precarity of her relationship with Callie, she could feel that love growing in her veins, day after days. But would that be enough ?
« You're certainly right. I'm going to try harder. And I 'm going to be ok... » Arizona said, trying more than anything to convice herself that better days were coming.
…...
The next morning, after her ritual stomach rubbing, Arizona decided to go to the daycare to check on her daughter. She hadn't see her in days, and she missed her. Walking throught the hallways, she decided that she didn't want to care about the staff members looking at her. She only wanted to spend time with her daughter before the big arrival. She didn't know when Carlos would showed up, but it doesn't matter anyway. That morning would be her and Sofia.
Approaching the door, she passed by Meredith who had just picked up her kids. The general surgeon couldn't prevent to be stunned by Arizona's belly bump.
« Jeeez ! Arizona ! » Meredith yelled. « Now, you can't deny it anymore... I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.. »
« Don't be sorry Meredith. It's allright. I'm in a good mood today. » Arizona said. « Is Sofia in there ? »
« Yeah, and so is Callie. » Meredith informed her. « I have to go now but I'd like to visit you, if you're okay with that. »
« Of course I am. Anytime ! »
« Okay, i let you know ! Take care ! » Meredith said, walking away with Zola and Bailey.
Arizona walked to the window and smiled seeing Sofia and Callie sharing a playfull time. They were in their bubble, and she just wanted to joined them.
Those family moment was what she missed the most during those past months. Sharing her daily life with her daughter, hearing her laugh after a hard day at work and coming home to her and Callie. All those little details that you don't even care, those little things that make your life what it is.
Opening the door and walking in the room, she avoided two running boys, but the third one bumped in her legs, making her lost her balance. She managed to stay on her feet but the noise made Callie and Sofia noticed her. Smiling at them, Arizona bent to help the little boy getting up.
« Be careful buddy ! » She said, giving him a stroke on his head before joining the two people she wanted to see. Callie stood up and approached her a chair. She and Sofia were colouring a wonderful fairy tail castle.
« Wanna join us ? » Callie said, kneeling next to her.
« Yay ! Mama, you're going to colour that ! » Sofia said, pointing the roof of the castle.
Arizona just nodded and smiled at her daughter, grabbing her hand and kissing her head. As Sofia was looking for a purple pen in the box, Callie put her hand on Arizona's leg.
« How are you feeling today ? »
« I'm good today. » Arizona simply replied.
« Great ! » Callie said. « Listen, I'm sorry about my father. I know it's awkward, but can I come with him to see you ? »
« You can. Of course you can... » Arizona replied, puting her hand on Callie's shoulder.
Meeting her brown eyes, Arizona confidently ran her other hand through Callie's hair. The connection was intense and completely obvious. Callie closed her eyes, resting her cheek on Arizona's hand for a moment.
« Callie we sh... »
« Sshhhhh ! » Callie said, putting a finger on Arizona's lips. « I just want to be with you. I don't need word to feel good right now. »
Arizona smiled. « That's my line ! »
« I know it's your line. » Callie replied. And without warning her, she brushed her lips on Arizona's. It was really a brushed kiss, not even a peck. « Remember that the other day when we were with Dr Manning ? I'm only quoting ! »
…...