Chapter 14

Most of the time they were silent, listening to the hospital's PA which called a vet or another to the reception or to a consult room from time to time, and to the comings and goings of people and pets which grew fewer and far between. Trowa only spoke briefly to his boss before the man slid into the restricted areas of the hospital. Then he returned to his seat beside Relena. He could see she was tired from her trip, but worrying over Jackie kept her awake. They must have sat there for one hour though it felt more like five.

Relena jumped to her feet when she saw his boss approaching, she didn't know the man like Trowa did so her anxiety was plain for anyone to see. Trowa, on the other hand, remained seated. He could tell by the man's face that everything was under control and that Jackie was alright for now.

'She's out of danger.' Came the reassuring news. 'They'll wait until she's completely stable then repeat those tests.'

'I'm sorry…' Relena shook her head slowly. 'You said as soon as possible, but I had this trip and I thought…'

'No one's to blame in this.' He tried to placate her. 'Not even a specialist could have anticipated such a fast decline as this was. Once she's recovered, we'll change her medication but for now the best we can do is go home and rest. She's in good hands, Ms Darlian.'

'I'm sure she is. Thank you.'

'I'll be in tomorrow to see her myself. Now, if you could just accompany me to the receptionist's desk… They need a signed authorization to perform those tests.'

'Of course.' She took a step forward, but then stopped and turned back to Trowa.

'I'll wait here to accompany you back home.' He assured her. She must have forgotten he had left his bike there and ridden in the cab with her and Jackie… She'd been worried beyond reason at that point.

He tried not to think of what would happen next, of over a month of hard work avoiding her put to waste after a single phone call… He'd told her not to blame herself and so had his boss. Sometimes misfortune happened no matter how hard you tried to stop it and yet… Trowa could not help but wonder if it wasn't all his fault. Had he stayed close to Relena and Jackie maybe he could have caught it sooner and treated her at home, or he might have taken her to the hospital to repeat her tests himself, while Relena was away, and prevented her from getting worse at all… There was no knowing for sure. He had told her so himself, but a large part of him felt this was his fault, he was to blame in this more than anyone else.

Suddenly he had the feeling that, no matter what he did, it was always the wrong thing. What was the right way? How could he prevent others from getting hurt because of him?

'I'm going inside for a moment to see her.' Relena told him when she returned. 'If you wish to go ahead…'

'No.' he shook his head. 'I'm your bodyguard tonight.'

'Oh…' she had obviously forgotten she was without one. 'Right. I won't be long. Promise.'

He nodded and watched her follow his boss into one of the corridors. Had he done the right thing? Made the right choice for once? He knew Heero would have approved… Quatre too. So maybe the answer was 'yes' this one time.

XXX

They were lucky to find a cab parked by the entrance when they walked out of the hospital. Relena checked her watch as they slid into the backseat and found it was already past eleven. At that hour, it would probably take them less than fifteen minutes to make it back to her apartment which was a good thing since she was pretty much done in. Yet that also meant she had a very short window in which she could argue her case with Trowa and there was still so much else to say… That night she was so tired she barely knew where to start and wondered if it was even worth trying…

'I'm sorry for troubling you with all this… I know I should have called your boss, he's Jackie's doctor now, but—'

'It's fine.' He shook his head dismissively. She could see something was troubling him, but she could not afford to leave him to his thoughts… She had maybe ten minutes to say what she wanted to.

'Thank you for driving all the way here and accompanying me. It really means a lot that you're here.'

'It's fine.' He repeated distantly and Relena began wondering if he was actually listening.

'Trowa?'

'Mm?'

'Trowa.'

'What?' he finally turned to her, clearly annoyed by her constant interruptions.

She met his eyes, searching their depths for a sign, something that told her to go ahead, that he was listening now and that her words would make a difference. 'Never mind.'

It was her turn to look away and that, more than anything she could have said, finally caught his attention. 'I'm sorry.' He said suddenly. This time Relena wasn't surprised though she still felt like he was apologising for much more than she realised. The fact that he resumed his apology after a moment did catch her off guard, however. 'I know I keep doing the wrong thing.'

'Is that why you disappeared after that Saturday?'

'You disappeared yourself.'

'I thought you needed time to think things over.'

'I thought you needed time to heal.'

'Heal?'

'I never meant to hurt you, but I know I have done so anyway.'

'Trowa…' she shook her head as she sought the right words. She didn't even know what she was feeling anymore… 'You really think I'm that weak? I know I don't look very sturdy, but I can withstand a lot more than you can even imagine. You need a lot more than just a few missteps to hurt me.' He opened his mouth to reply, but frowned and closed it. Seeing as they were approaching their destination, Relena resumed… Her conversation with Carlos coming back to her. 'If you're doing the wrong thing then I forgive you and hope you do the right thing next time.' The cab parked in front of her building and she paid the fare before Trowa could say a word. 'You underestimate us. Me, Quatre, your sister… You underestimated Heero. We can handle emotion, we can stand to get hurt even if you can't.'

She slid out of the car and rushed to the front door. Her heart beat so fast she could do nothing but speed up to keep up with it. She felt like she had just ruined all of the past month's efforts and wished she could simply disappear for another month, but Trowa's backpack and helmet were still in her apartment so she had to let him up to retrieve them and he had to follow her even if he did not wish to.

He was already behind her by the time she managed to fish her keys in her purse and unlock the glass doors that led into the lobby.

'What happened to your doorman?' he asked suddenly as if she hadn't just indirectly called him weak.

'Oh, uh…' she stumbled over the words in her surprise. 'He called in sick this morning…and the other night doorman's on holiday so…'

His cool, almost resigned attitude started to unnerve her as the metal doors of the lift sealed them in complete and utter silence and, at last, she could not stop herself from asking: 'Aren't you going to say anything?'

'Like what?'

'I don't know. Defend yourself.'

Trowa shrugged, he was staring at the doors as they opened to let them into Relena's floor. 'Catherine has called me a coward before…' he met her eyes briefly, then stepped out. 'Maybe she was right.'

'I didn't…mean it that way.'

'How did you mean it then?'

He scrutinized her with his piercing green gaze as she stepped in front of him to unlock the door, but Relena focused on the task at hand and made her very best to ignore the pressure. 'I only meant to say that you can't prevent people from getting hurt, not even yourself, and that, when that happens, it's okay for you to rely on others. Your friends and your family, we care about you and not letting us help you through hard times, not letting us suffer with you… It hurt us even more than the suffering itself ever could. Don't you think the others are suffering right now? Don't you think they have suffered all these years worrying about you?'

'Probably.' He conceded and she could see how much it pained him to admit it. He stepped past her without a word and gathered his belongings while she watched from the doorway.

'Won't you do anything about it?' Relena forced herself to ask when he walked back out and into the lift. 'You really wish to spend the rest of your life alone?'

He held her gaze to the very last second, but she could not tell what he was thinking or feeling anymore. He could close up so fast and thoroughly at will, it was a real gift. What was she supposed to do now?

XXX

Trowa could not sleep that night. His whole life seemed to come back to him together with Relena's words and all that had happened since Heero's death. Deep down he'd always known he'd been a selfish coward… Caring about others and being cared for had hurt more than the loneliness he had long grown used to. When the war ended, there had been a lot of pressure and not of the kind he was used to. It was a pressure for him to do the right thing with his life. Join Preventers, stay in the circus, do both, do something you're good at. Why start over?

But it was not just that he wanted a fresh start… He needed it. And yet he wasn't ready to face others' disappointment… Or what if he failed? Would he have to live with them constantly reminding him of how he hadn't listened to them when he very clearly should have?

Going back to school and trying something new… Starting over. It had been a big step and he'd been afraid to fail. How could he hide his fear if those who loved, yet still doubted, him were all there watching like vultures? Did he do the same thing to them without realising it? This wasn't the kind of man he wanted to become…

So he'd moved away, or run away as some would rather say, and he'd started over on his own as he felt better, more confident, less pressured to succeed. He had considered returning triumphantly when he'd graduated, but then he'd gotten so used to his solitary life style… It felt so liberating not to have anyone to report back to. Besides… Was a graduation enough? He did not think so. He did not feel successful just yet. He wanted more.

And while he'd pursued all that he'd somehow, without realising it, put his own life aside… But now it had returned in the form of Relena Darlian and a grumpy cat named Tex, and – as hard as Trowa tried – he did not think he could go back to the way things had been before them. His emotions already stood in his way and it was his fighting them that had caused Jackie harm and not the other way around… All that was left now was for him to take note of his mistakes and start correcting them. One by one.

He began by calling Relena, as soon as he got home the following night, and asking for news about Jackie. She sounded happy he had called though not particularly surprised.

'She's doing much better. In fact, your boss just called. He said they've already got her started on her new meds, but wish to keep an eye on her during the weekend to see how she adjusts, so I'll be able to bring her home on Monday if everything goes according to plan. He explained all that happened to her in detail and how the new meds are supposed to help her… He's great, really.'

'I know. I studied very hard so I could work under him.'

'You sound like you care about him.' He could practically see the amused smile on her face.

'Hn.'

'Aren't you going to run away from him as well?' Trowa chuckled at her playful tone. 'You can't help caring for others, Trowa.' She added almost painfully now.

'I know. That's why I'm calling…'

'Why you're calling?' she was clearly puzzled and he had to fight the urge to beat around the bush in order to annoy her. The mere thought of an exasperated Relena was enough to amuse him.

'I want to give us a try. Was that how you phrased it? Sounds unbearably odd.'

'Oh, it does now, does it? How would you phrase it then?'

'I would ask… If you'd like to go out with me.'

'Well, that's hardly imaginative, but yes.' Her smile was audible again. 'And I'm glad you decided we were worth a shot.'

'I thought we could start with a dinner tomorrow night. I'll work during the day, but I can pick you up at half-past seven if that's okay with you.'

'Pick me up? On your motorcycle? Haven't we already had this conversation?'

'I'll buy another helmet.' He offered mockingly, knowing her mind was long made up.

'How about I pick you up at work? What time do you get off?'

'Oh, that depends…' he paused as if giving it serious thought. 'In the mornings sometimes… Sometimes at night…'

'Trowa!'

He chuckled, picturing her red faced and horrified even though he knew she was a big girl and could handle sexual innuendo like a pro. Maybe he could come up with ways to really make her blush… 'At six. Supposedly.'

'I'll meet you there then.' Then after a pause she added. 'I can't wait to see how Tex is doing.'

'We're having dinner at my place then? Remember I don't have anything nourishing to serve you.'

'I'll make reservations at that restaurant where we had our first lunch together. I thought I might see Tex when I drop you off.'

'Drop? I thought you'd said you'd get me off?'

'We'll see…' Relena trailed off saucily. 'Til tomorrow then?'

'Til tomorrow.'

It was only when he hung up that Trowa realised her picking him up at work would surely start those annoying rumours again… He sighed and tried to recall if Linwood would be working the next day as well. They'd been staying out of each other's way as if they'd come to a wordless but mutual agreement, yet Trowa would rather be safe than sorry when it came to the other man. If he and Relena were really going to date from now on, maybe he'd have to confront Linwood… But all in due time, he supposed.

All in due time.

A.N.: Hello, everyone! Sorry this couldn't be longer, but it was a heavy, very introspective chapter... For Trowa, at least. I hope I was able to explain a little better, for those who were still wondering, his shady reasons for leaving. Even more, I hope they made sense to you. They resonate very deeply with me at present. Thanks so much for your ongoing support! :D