Sightings of the Loch Ness Monster

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Dinner and a Show

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Penny opened the door of Sheldon and Leonard's apartment and walked in without warning. "Hi, Sheldon."

Sheldon looked over from the kitchen where he was setting out glasses and graced her with a smile that was more than half annoyance. "Good evening, Penny. Thank you for knocking. Do come in." Penny ignored the sarcasm, at least he got it right this time, and walked over to him as he continued speaking. "I trust your latest round of failed auditions went smoothly."

"It just so happens I got another callback, Mr. Know-It-All."

Sheldon's smile became genuine. "Really? That's good news. What for?"

"Handmaiden #3 on an HBO pilot," Penny said proudly. "It doesn't have a title yet."

"Handmaiden #3?" Sheldon frowned. "Do you have any lines or is this another version of the dead hooker?"

"I am very much alive and yes, I have lines." Penny looked away and tugged on a braid. "None you can actually hear, though. Oh!" She turned back, holding a finger up. "I get to gasp! I'm sure it will get on the sound track. I might even get in the credits!"

Sheldon shook his head in wonder. "Your tenacity in the face of repeated failure never ceases to amaze me, Penny." Penny rolled her eyes and looked around the apartment.

"So where's Leonard?"

"Picking up dinner, of course," Sheldon said, handing her a soda. "He should be back shortly. I must say it's unusual for you to show up before the scent of free food wafts under your door."

"Well, maybe I'm just feeling sociable," Penny said as she took the glass with a smile.

Sheldon nodded in agreement. "You do 'socialize' to a degree some might consider to be unhealthy."

Penny gave him a dirty look, then replaced it with a dazzling smile as she turned away and sauntered over to the couch. "So, Moon Pie. How are you?"

It was Sheldon's turn to give her a dirty look this time, but he refrained from scolding her, as Amy had suggested Penny might be using the nickname to deliberately bait him. "Hungry. I'm looking forward to having everyone here eating their proper proportions again." He finished pouring himself a Kool-Aid and put the pitcher back in the fridge.

"How's your spot?"

"My spot?" He looked back at her. She wasn't sitting in it, but she was looking between it and him meaningfully. "Were you messing with it again?" he asked in alarm.

Penny raised her eyebrows innocently and stuck out her bottom lip in a pout. "You would know if I did, right?"

"Yes," he said. Walking quickly over and sitting down.

Penny leaned her head on her arm as she turned to watch him squirm as he tried to sense any difference in his spot. "So what do you think?"

Sheldon ceased moving, then stayed perfectly still with his head tilted to one side before turning back to her. "No."

Penny smiled. "Feeling comfortable? At home?"

Sheldon looked around, then back at Penny. "I am at home. What are you getting at?"

"Does it feel just… perfect?"

Sheldon grasped his armrest with one hand and rubbed his thigh with the other as he regarded her apprehensively. "Penny, you know how I feel about my spot."

Penny crinkled her eyes up and grinned at him in amusement. "Yes. You just luuuuuv your spot, don't you?"

Sheldon leaned away from her. "I feel there's a subtext to this conversation I'm not following."

Penny sighed. "Fine, genius. Play dumb if you want. Where's Amy at?"

"She'll be a little late," Sheldon got back up to retrieve his drink, although he was reluctant to leave Penny so near his spot while she was behaving so oddly. "The monkeys had a feces fight. She's supervising the clean-up."

"Eww," Penny said with a look of disgust. "There goes my appetite."

"Interesting," Sheldon said, stroking his chin. "What would it take to cause an aversion to using other people's WiFi?"

Just as Penny opened her mouth to retort, a knock sounded at the door. It opened wide and Howard stepped in, accompanied by Raj and Bernadette.

"Greetings, Earthlings! You know Raj, and you've met my wife, I believe."

Penny jumped up and rushed over. "Aw, welcome back, Howard!" She gave him a big hug, then leaned back and looked at him. "Oh my God! Look at your hair!" She reached out to rub the spiky looking mass but he managed to duck out from under her, looking embarrassed.

"It'll grow back," he said, attempting to smooth it down with one hand and wrapping the other back around Bernadette's waist."

"I think it's cute," Bernadette said. He smiled at her and they rubbed noses together Eskimo style.

Penny grimaced a little. "Well, the two of you certainly are cute enough to make someone sick." She clapped her hands and held her hands out, an incredulous smile on her face. "Mr. and Mrs. Wolowitz! Together at last."

Bernadette cleared her throat and corrected her. "Rostenkowski-Wolowitz."

Howard smiled at her indulgently. "Well, if you want to get technical, honey-bunch, together it's still Mr. and Mrs. Wolowitz. It's not like I changed my name."

"Actually, the correct phraseology would be Dr. and Mr. Wolowitz," Sheldon interjected, sensing his expertise in the area of semantics would prove useful here. "The male title in this case being superseded by her superior status."

Howard, strangely, did not appear to be grateful. "I have a master's degree!"

"Hence the mister."

"Ignore him." Penny said. "Howard, I'm glad you're back. We were all rooting for you. I'm really sorry for thinking you were lying."

Howard's smile faded. "When did you say that?"

"Oh," Penny stammered. "Well, I never said it. Out loud. To you. I mean, you have to admit it was pretty unbelievable. I mean, the odds of you becoming an astronaut… You! Howard Wolowitz!"

"Well trust me, it happened." Howard rubbed his chest and stomach self-consciously. "I left a good portion of my body mass up in orbit."

"Yeah, you do feel a little... pointy" Penny hadn't wanted to say anything when she felt his rib cage so clearly through her embrace. "I didn't realize you had any fat to lose."

"I really didn't. It's more muscle tissue and bone loss." They walked into the living room and he and Bernadette took a seat on the couch while Raj took the chair to their right. "But they say I can gain the muscle back as long as I avoid contact sports." Raj leaned over and whispered helpfully into Howard's ear. "And running down stairs." Raj whispered again. "And speed bumps, yes, she gets the point!" Raj gave him a 'touchy, touchy' look and leaned back in his own chair.

The door clicked again and they turned to see Leonard walk in, balancing an arm load of food as he dropped his keys into the bowl and pushed the door closed with one foot. "Hey, guys! Glad you finally made it." Sheldon stepped up to help, the quicker to examine the orders for mistakes, and they both started removing boxes from the bags. "I got Indian. Hope you're hungry." Raj looked worried. Leonard saw the look. "Don't worry, Raj. I didn't forget." He handed Raj a smaller paper bag. Raj smiled and pulled out his Big Mac. Once the food was distributed and Sheldon had satisfied himself as to the accuracy of his order, they all helped themselves to drinks and distributed themselves around the living room.

Raj whispered to Howard again as he sat back down and handed Raj his drink. "No, I didn't ask." Raj gestured toward Bernadette emphatically. Howard sighed. "Did you get anything more specific out of Amy, today?"

"No. Just that she was pretty happy with it and it followed along the lines we discussed."

Howard exchanged a look with Raj. Raj just shrugged. "And what are those?"

Bernadette shrugged helplessly. "Sorry, hon'. I guess you could call it the Gal Code."

"Oh, we'll talk later then," he said, handing her a napkin.

"No. Seriously," she said, looking at him sternly.

"Of course," Howard answered. Then he winked.

Bernadette sighed and ignored him. "Sheldon, where's Amy?"

"She's…"

"Ah, ah, ah!" Penny interrupted, pointing a fork at Sheldon in warning. "She got delayed. She'll be here soon."

"Should we wait?" Howard asked. Everyone paused in surprise. Most had already started eating and Penny had just stuffed a big bite of saffron rice in her mouth.

"Absolutely not!" Bernadette said. "You need to stop making excuse and eat, Howard."

"You and Ma have been stuffing me non-stop since I came back. I'm still full from that 'snack' Ma made me eat two hours ago. Even if I was a hobbit I'd be crying 'uncle'! It won't kill me to wait ten minutes."

Bernadette narrowed her eyes at him "Are you saying I'm wrong?"

"No."

"Then start eating!" It wasn't 'the voice', but it had enough of a hint in it that only a fool would ignore it.

"Yes, Ma- ma- m'lady." Howard quickly took a huge bite of samosa and commenced chewing the hot food with difficulty.

Bernadette glared at him. "If you're getting it from both of us enough to mix us up, then obviously the problem is with you."

Howard kept chewing and nodded, his face red with mortification.

"Jeez. How much does he need to gain?" Leonard asked. Howard was definitely on the wrong side of skinny but he didn't think he looked unhealthy.

"Not that much to be safe," Bernadette admitted. "But I won't be happy until his hiney fills out his hot pants again."

"Didn't need to hear that," Penny muttered. Leonard nodded in agreement.

"Howard, how could you lose so much weight with the opportunity to eat as much astronaut ice cream as you want?" Sheldon sounded genuinely confused. That or his second attempt at sarcasm for the day was falling flat.

"That stuff isn't as awesome as you'd think when you're trying not to throw up for three straight weeks."

"Oh," Sheldon said with a look resembling sympathy. "Well at least you accomplished a first while you were up there. I don't think NASA's ever had to hold an in-orbit seminar on hostile work environments until you."

"You know about that?" Howard asked, surprised.

"It's not a good thing, Sheldon," Leonard said.

"I didn't say it was good. Just a first," Sheldon clarified primly.

"Well, I could have done without it. The Russians just played nice after that so they could give it to me double after we landed. Those bastards are crafty." Howard shook his head and rubbed his scalp again. "I think the Cold War might still be going on and they're just waiting for the perfect moment to catch us off our guard."

"I see." Sheldon nodded. "Your insinuation being that the United States is the equivalent of an overprivileged yet underachieving mamma's boy with an equally overinflated ego just begging for a beat down?"

"Sheldon!" Penny yelled.

"Hey, it's none of my concern what you think but I strongly advise you never to repeat that opinion in Texas," Sheldon said blithely before taking a bite of chicken masala.

Howard glared at Sheldon, then smiled tightly. "Well, then. Enough about me," he said through his teeth. "Sheldon. Old. Friend. Tell me. What's new with you?"

"Nothing compared to your adventures." Sheldon said modestly.

"Nothing at all?" Howard said meaningfully.

"Nothing that would interest an engineer. But ignoring that, I did engage in a delightful online conversation this morning regarding the likelihood of the Higgs-Boson particle's existence being confirmed before the end of the year. The correct answer? Not gonna happen."

"Oh, come on, Sheldon," Leonard said in exasperation. This was an on-going argument between them. "Everyone knows they're close and they haven't even finished crunching the data from the last run."

Sheldon shook his head in condescension. "Your loyalty to the experimentalists, especially considering their work is original, unlike yours, is understandable. However it is completely misplaced. Although I am certain through my theoretical work that the Higgs-Boson particle does exist, the fact remains that..."

"Excuse, me. Leonard," Howard interrupted. "Is this really what you think everyone wants to talk about?" Penny tilted her head toward Sheldon and patted her heart in the rhythm of a heartbeat.

"Oh. Right." Leonard stopped talking and leaned forward while everyone but Sheldon mirrored the action.

"Sheldon, what's the deal with you and Amy?" Howard asked.

Suddenly, a knock sounded at the door. For once, the caller did not proceed to presumptively walk straight in.

"Who is it?" Sheldon called.

"It's Amy."

"Dammit," Howard said, and fell back against the back of the couch.

"Come in," Sheldon called. Amy let herself in and walked into the living room. Howard moved to the floor and Bernadette scooted over to give Amy room on the couch. "Hello, Amy," Sheldon said warmly. "Howard was just asking about you."

Amy looked in surprise at Howard as she sat down. She had been concerned about him while he was gone, but he had never shown any interest in her since their first meeting. "He was? Why?"

"No reason," Howard grumbled.

"Well then," Sheldon said, getting up and moving to his desk. "I suggest we move to a new topic of discussion as soon as Amy signs this paperwork."

"Come on, Sheldon," Penny said. "The girl just spent the afternoon… she's had a hard day. Let her eat first."

"Yeah, she hasn't even said hi to Howard yet," Bernadette added.

Amy looked awkwardly at Howard. "Hi."

"Hi," he responded.

"Well, I suppose a few minutes delay won't hurt," Sheldon hesitated, and put the bundle of papers back on his desk.

"Thank you, Sheldon," Amy said, as Leonard handed her her food.

"No problem," Sheldon said, waving his hand dismissively. He walked back over to the couch, stood before his spot awkwardly for a moment, then sat down next to her. "Of course. I'm not really certain what the proper behavioral protocol is without the agreement being finalized," he said, staring at his plate. Amy frowned at him.

Raj whispered into Howard's ear. Howard gave a short giggle and spoke up. "I guess you should just be quiet until after dinner then, Sheldon."

Sheldon nodded and started to eat his food without another word.

"Seriously?" Leonard said. "That worked?"

"How exactly would signing the agreement make a difference?" Penny asked, intrigued. She was looking at Amy though, not Sheldon.

Sheldon looked uncomfortable, but he continued to stare silently at his food and pick at it with his elbows tucked in. Amy watched him. No one else said a word.

"Never mind," Amy said. "My dinner can wait. Let's get this over with."

"Oh, thank goodness!" Sheldon said. He jumped up and Amy followed him over to his desk. Amy began quickly scanning each paper, reading each section in its entirety before initially at the appropriate location while Sheldon pulled out his notary book and stamp.

Penny noticed Bernadette was frowning. "What is it?"

"I thought things went well, but that looks longer than the old one."

"Sheldon, feel free to notarize this if it makes you feel better," Amy said, "but you do realize you cannot legally notarize a document in which you are one of the parties?"

Sheldon stopped in surprise. "You didn't object last time."

Amy continued to scan the document as she answered him professionally. "You had romantically swept me off my feet. Not to mention I was distracted by feelings of guilt over leaving Stuart in the lurch. My head is clearer this time."

Sheldon looked helplessly between the document and his beloved ink pad. "Then what am I supposed to do?"

Amy shrugged. "It makes no difference to me. You have until I finish reviewing this to figure it out."

"Did you get any details from her?" Penny asked Bernadette in a low voice.

Bernadette shook her head. All the guys leaned in to listen. "She said I had to wait since I cheated. You?"

Penny looked over her shoulder at them, then turned back. "Nothing on the agreement. She did tell me what he said though." She smiled. "It was pretty incredible. Well, for Sheldon. From the sound of it I thought they were supposed to get rid of that thing altogether."

"Really?" Leonard asked in surprise.

Bernadette ignored him. "Not entirely but… I swear that really does look longer than the old one."

Amy finished signing and returned the papers to Sheldon. He walked over and placed it in one of the file cabinets near the hallway and handed her another copy in a plastic binder similar to the old one. "You may keep this one. I will also email you an electronic copy."

"Very well," Amy said. "Will the signatures suffice, or have you come up with another idea on formalizing the completion of the agreement?"

"Well, I know from experience with Leonard that a simple signature isn't enough." He thought for a moment as they stared at each other. "We could add a gentlemen's agreement."

Amy smiled. "The term is inherently sexist; however I have no other objections, as long as we are clear that this is your idea." Sheldon nodded. He held his hand out, and they shook on it. He immediately left for the bathroom to wash his hands, while Amy sat back down and picked up her food. She turned to Howard with a smile. "You must be doing well, Howard. I'm sure no one expected you to peak so early in life considering the lackluster profession you had chosen."

Howard stared at her. "You never run out of charming things to say, do you Amy?" he said dully.

Amy smiled, missing the sarcasm completely and taking Howard's response as encouragement to continue. "And I suppose you and Bernadette have been having an extremely satisfying run of sexual intercourse since your return. It must be exhilarating to partake in such an activity completely free of any judgment from society at large. Tell me, obviously Bernadette won out, but how did you determine she would be on top the first night?" Leonard looked at Amy in horror and Penny rubbed her temples with a groan. Amy frowned as she looked around at the room of dismayed faces. "I don't understand. Doesn't their new status as conjoined connubial partners remove any stigma from either acknowledging or discussing their sexual activities?"

No one really had an answer for that, but it turned out not to be needed as Sheldon had returned in time to hear the last remark. "Oh, Amy. No one cares about that. Now that we're all here I believe it's time for a new topic of discussion."

"Certainly," Amy said companionably. The smiled warmly at each other and the others quickly forgot about Amy's inappropriate remarks and leaned forward eagerly.

"Did you know the Pasadena City Council voted to add 5 more seconds to crosswalk times?" Sheldon said excitedly.

"I did not hear that," Amy said with interest. "That should give us more flexibility on date nights."

"Indeed. I'm glad things worked out despite the fact that I was unable to add my input during the debate." They smiled at each other again, then took a sip of their respective beverages and returned to eating their food. The others stared at them as they continued eating in silence.

Finally, Penny put her food down and stood up. "OK, Amy. You're coming next door with us."

Amy looked up in surprise. "But I'm still eating."

"Bring it with you," Penny said, walking towards the door. Bernadette stood up as well after landing a quick kiss on the top of Howard's head and stepped around the couch.

"Penny, this is not proper social etiquette!" Sheldon exclaimed.

"Stuff it, Sheldon," Penny said, opening the door and gesturing through it with her whole arm. "Come on, Amy. Scoot." Amy stood up with her food and walked over in confusion. "Bernadette, grab that," Penny said, pointing to the Relationship Agreement poking out of the top of Amy's bag.

"Already on it," she said, pulling it out and running out the door towards Penny's.

"Hey!" Amy shouted. "Um, I'll be back in a minute," she said before turning quickly to chase after Bernadette. Penny wrinkled her nose at the guys in a self-satisfied smirk and shut the door behind her.

Sheldon turned back to face forward as he tried to work out what had just happened. "Well, that was odd."

Next up, 'Differential Analysis'. Sorry, it just keeps growing and growing and…