How to Annoy Kurogane

Disclaimer: Tsubasa belongs to the awesome people of CLAMP! HYUU!

Chapter Thirteen

Methodical Mokonas

Hello! Asuka Neko here, with another chapter of How to Annoy Kurogane! This chapter is actually more about Mokona and Kurogane than me and Fai, so enjoy the fluffy little critter with gender issues while s/he is here! Once again, a lot of this comes from the Tsubasa character guide, this time from an advice column by Fai. Best advice I got from the column… never listen to Fai's advice.

"Kuro-puu!" Mokona called, hopping into Kurogane's bedroom and landing on the ninja's head. Mokona was holding an envelope in its paws, and waving it around rapidly.

"My name is Kurogane!" Kurogane shouted. "And stop waving that thing in my face! What is it, anyway?"

"Mokona wrote a letter to Fai for his advice column," Mokona said.

"What kind of advice is the idiot wizard going to give you?" Kurogane asked.

"Oh, just advice…" Mokona trailed off. "Anyways, Kuro-tan, Mokona would like you to mail this today!"

"Only if you get off my head!" Kurogane said. Mokona sat on his shoulder instead. This did not seem to make him very happy.

The next week, Mokona found the reply from the advice column. In the letter Mokona sent, it said that "Kurogane isn't nice to Mokona at all! But Mokona still wants to be friends with Kurogane! What should Mokona do!?" Mokona hoped that all of the exclamation points had gotten the message across.

Fai's answer: If you show him your heart, I'm sure that at some point, Kuro-run's heart will open up, too… I can teach you several methods to accomplish that.

"Mokona wonders what kind of methods Fai was talking about…" Mokona said to itself. Fai had not quite explained his 'methods' in his reply, so Mokona went to find Fai, who was in the kitchen making dinner.

"Hello, Mokona," Fai greeted the white puffball as it entered.

"Fai, will you tell Mokona what methods you were talking about?" Mokona asked. Fai grinned.

"Well of course I will!"

Method #1: When it's lunchtime, give him a present of a boxed lunch with the food arranged into a big heart.

Mokona had to wait for the next day to put this plan into action, because it was already past lunch. And in any case, it had quite a bit of trouble cooking…

"What did you do to the kitchen!?" Kurogane shouted as he entered.

"Wah! Mokona is sorry, Kurogane!" Mokona apologized. It looked as though a hurricane had gone through their kitchen. Dishes were strewn everywhere, with what looked as though it could have possibly been food at one point splattered along with them. Mokona had made use of the fire extinguisher, probably because it had the stove turned up to an absurd temperature.

"You had better clean this up, STAT!" Kurogane shouted at the fuzzy marshmallow ball of cute.

"Okeydokes! Will do!" Mokona trilled, and promptly vacuumed the entire mess into its oversized mouth. "Ha! See? Mokona is a good cleaner!"

Kurogane rubbed his temples, feeling a massive headache coming on. Why, oh why had such an annoying little beast been given vocal chords? Yuko, of course. The annoying little voice of reason inside his head told him the answer, making him want to bang his head against the kitchen wall. Unfortunately, this would only worsen the severity of his headache, so he resisted the temptation to do so. In any case, Kurogane was fairly convinced that a certain dimensional witch was out to get him. Next time he saw her, he would not be so quick to give up his sword. He would run her through. Kurogane smirked at that idea, and went to go find some sort of pain medication for his headache.

Method #2: Give him a present of a hand-knitted scarf

Later that afternoon…

"Kuro-puu! Have you seen Mokona?" Fai asked, bounding into the room in a manner very reminiscent of the hyperactive hairball he was looking for. Kurogane glanced at him over the rim of his coffee mug.

"Yeah, a couple minutes ago the creampuff was tangled in some yarn and knitting needles," Kurogane replied. Where had Mokona even gotten knitting needles, anyway?

As if Fai had read Kurogane's mind, he said, "I was wondering where my knitting needles had gotten off to." At this point, Kurogane had been taking a drink of his coffee, which was a bad idea in so many ways, because he choked on it. This served to both nearly kill Kurogane and send Fai into a fit of irrepressible giggles. "What's wrong, Kuro-pon?" Fai asked, once he had mostly regained calmness. His smile was still even wider and cheekier than usual, if that was at all possible.

"You knit?" Kurogane said incredulously, once he had stopped coughing.

"Yes. Is there something wrong with that?" Fai replied sweetly. While Kurogane could name a number of things wrong with that, he composed himself and didn't say a word. He was trying a new shut-Fai-up strategy, and this one was called don't-say-anything-and-he-won't-say-anything-back. Kurogane soon realized that this did not work on Fai. "You're a meanie, Kuro-wan, making fun of me 'cause I know how to knit and you don't."

"OF COURSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO KNIT!" Kurogane shouted. "I'm a guy, after all. Men. Don't. Knit."

"Then what am I, a woman?" Fai asked, before patting Kurogane on the head and skipping out of the room.

"Man, he looks like an idiot when he skips," Kurogane muttered to himself. Then he went back to reading his manga, without even wondering why Mokona was balled up in some yarn. He really should have wondered such things. It did concern him, after all.

Method #3: Go to the baths with him and wash his back.

After all the craziness earlier today, Kurogane decided that taking a shower would be nice and relaxing. (You see, Fai's method would not work well at all because Kurogane did not take baths, he took showers.) But when he was about to do so, he noticed Mokona sitting on the bathroom sink.

"What are you doing in here? I'm going to take a shower," Kurogane said. He had no idea why Mokona would be in a bathroom, the little fuzzball didn't seem to need to take baths.

"Mokona wondered if Kuro-pon needed help washing his back!" Mokona proclaimed. Subtlety, as I have said plenty of times before, is not one of Mokona's 108 secret talents. But that was a topic of another fanfiction.

"HECK NO!" Kurogane shouted, and threw Mokona out the door. Luckily for Mokona, it bounced fairly well and was not injured badly when it hit the wall opposite the bathroom door.

Method 4: Whisper sweet nothings in his ear while he's sleeping.

Kurogane went to bed right after he got his shower, because he was nothing short of exhausted. Was it just him, or was Mokona causing more trouble than usual? Well, it did not matter. He fell asleep quickly. Very quickly. But Kurogane usually does that. He is a ninja, after all. He can even sleep sitting up! That just sounds uncomfortable to me.

At about midnight, he woke up. He could hear something. Something… whispering? Was it Fai? The voice was too high-pitched to be Fai's, so Kurogane could only guess one person: Mokona. Asuka was out of the question. She wasn't in this chapter.

"Mokona wasn't quite sure what Fai meant by 'sweet nothings', but… well, this is whispering. And Kurogane is sleeping. So what's the point of this anyway? If he's sleeping, he can't hear what Mokona is saying! Fai must be going crazy. Oh. Wait. Fai's already crazy," Mokona was saying.

"I agree," Kurogane replied.

"Oh! Kurogane is awake!" Mokona observed.

"Yeah," Kurogane said. "Now shut up so I can sleep."

"Can Mokona sleep here?" Mokona asked. Kurogane paused, considering it.

"Ah, sure. Whatever. Just don't talk anymore," he said.

"Goodnight, Kurogane," Mokona said, snuggling up between Kurogane's shoulder and his neck.

"I said shut up."

"Oh. Right. Mokona will be quiet now."

"SHUT. UP."

"Sorry."

Kurogane sighed. Perhaps this had been a bad idea.

Method 5: Wake him up every morning with a big kiss.

"!" Mokona shouted as it was forcefully thrown out Kurogane's window. Fai blinked, woken up by the noise.

"Hm. Wonder what that could be," he said groggily, and then went back to sleep.

Asuka: TA-DAH! That was a long chapter, huh?

Fai: Very.

Asuka: Fai… I seriously hope you've never… like… tested any of these methods.

Fai: What makes you say that? Of course I haven't!

Asuka: Oh. Good.