Sorry it's taken so long. I usually won't update this or Insta-Fame twice in a row, I usually will update one then the other BUT, this one seems more liked and I'm getting more feedback so, I decided to go ahead and update again. The next one probably won't come until after I update Insta-Fame again so I don't know how long it will be. Hopefully not as long as this one! Thank you to everyone who has read my stories and sticks with me despite me being a horrible updater!
This chapter is kind of gloomy and has a lot of angst but, it's all Dimitri and Rose! Tell me what you think. I hope it's not too bad!
When we got to the car Dimitri opened the door for me. I muttered a thanks and climbed in pulling my knees up in the seat with me. Dimitri climbed in and started the car. He pulled out and started down the road.
"So what happened to Tennessee?" he asked. I knew immediately what he was referring to but, I wasn't going to admit it to him.
"What are you talking about?"
"You know what I mean. Softball, Dance, scholarship," he replied referring to my scholarship to the University of Tennessee I had gotten my sophomore year. Well I hadn't gotten it yet but thy all but told me I had them.
"I quit softball." I told him honestly.
"Why you loved it?" he questioned shocked.
"Things change." I shrugged.
"Was this another because I left kind of thing?" he asked.
"God Could you be more self-centered sometimes? No it would have happened whether you were there or not. You could say it was a cruel twist of fate/ car accident kind of thing. If you believe in fate," I told him pissed he would assume it was because of him.
"One car accident ruined your softball career?" he asked like he didn't believe it.
"Yes and no. Things happened, I told the coaches I was done, I ended up getting better before the end of the season but I opted to stay away from softball and dance after that."
"Why?"
"My heart just wasn't in it anymore," I told him excluding the fact that I was extremely depressed and almost catatonic. I didn't tell him how I regret quitting all the time. As much as I regret it I know there was no way I could have played that season and it didn't feel right going back once I became more myself again.
"I don't understand what could have changed so much that you would quit something you had been striving for, for years. You were playing on 3 teams at once and it still wasn't too much for you!" he exclaimed referring to me playing on the high school team, city league team, and on an elite travel ball team.
"What can I say? Things happen. Life gets in the way and can make you change your hopes and dreams. Can we not talk about this anymore?" I said wanting to change subjects. I grabbed my auxiliary cord from my bag and plugged in my iPhone wanting to listen to music. Unfortunately I accidentally hit play and it started one of Dimitri's songs from his band days. He smirked.
"Sorry. Pandora." I lied shutting it off quickly not wanting to admit I had been listening to my favorite playlist made up of all of his songs I liked from before and during the band. I turned it on shuffle and 'Give you What You Like' by Avril Lavigne came on. I quietly listened to it remembering the few months after Conner passed.
"This song's kind of slutty if you think about it," Dimitri said bringing me back to the present.
"I think it's beautiful." I told him staring out the window as we pulled onto the side road to get to the hotel.
"Really? "Give me what I want and I'll give you what you like'? how is that not slutty?"
"She's using sex as if it's a form of love. She's saying just tell me you love me and I'll sleep with you. You wouldn't understand because you were never in her situation"
"Oh and you have been?"
"In a way. I've used sex in a similar fashion. Not with anybody I truly loved. I don't really believe true love exists." I answered honestly.
"Since when?"
"March 18, 4 years ago. I realized romantic love doesn't exist and never did. Just infatuation."
"That's a very bitter thought. Not that I can blame you. I've had some of the same thoughts but it never stuck."
"I'm not bitter. Just honest. If it does exist I've never seen it." I told him excluding the fact that for years I swore what we had was true love but I'm pretty sure true love between people can't be one sided like ours is…was…How did we even get to this point in the conversation? Damn Avril Lavigne and her provocative song! "Shouldn't one of us go see if they have rooms?"
"I'll go you wait here," he said after a moment. He got out and went inside. I saw him ring the bell and no one showed up so I figured it would take a few minutes. I turned the music up and laid the seat back. quickly the music became background noise to my thoughts and I quit hearing what exactly was playing. What seemed like half a minute later Dimitri opened the drivers door.
"They're surprisingly booked. Apparently some huge rapper, they didn't know who. Had a concert here last night and all the hotels around are booked. But I pulled a few strings and got us a suite In a hotel down the road. It has two rooms. We'll work out who's sleeping where later," he said after seeing me start to say something. "It's the only place I could find that wasn't forty five minutes away."
We started driving down the road when I realized the song playing was one I had recorded myself. I quickly moved to change it but Dimitri stopped me.
"No don't I like it. I want to hear it all." Reluctantly I let him listen to it.
You're high up on the Tower,
Now don't look down,
I will be OK here on the ground,
And you can always call to say hello from time to time,
When you're no longer mine...
I will be drunk on cheap beer,
Like everyone else around here,
You've got the world at your feet,
There's nothing out there for me,
You don't have to lie,
Saying that you'll try to make it work from a distance,
Just leave me here to die as i watch you climb up to the top of your ambitions,
You're high upon the Tower now don't look down,
I will be okay here on the ground,
And you can always call to say hello from time to time,
When you're no longer mine.
Here in a pale shaded life,
Under the trailer park lights,
There'll be nothing left for you to see,
You won't even recognize me.
You don't have to lie,
Saying that you'll try to make it work from a distance,
Just leave me here to die as i watch you climb up to the top of your ambitions,
You're high upon the Tower now don't look down,
I will be okay here on the ground,
And you can always call to say hello from time to time,
When you're no longer mine.
I always knew (I always knew)
that you would follow your big dreams
what I didn't know
was that your dreams, never did include me
(Piano Interlude)
You're high upon the Tower now don't look down,
I will be okay here on the ground,
And you can always call to say hello from time to time,
When you're no longer mine,
When you're no longer mine.
"Will I get called self-centered again if I ask if that was about me?" he joked.
"Not this time but only because it's pretty self-explanatory and not hard to figure it out." I joked back.
"What I don't get is in this song you sound like you're sad I left but that you expected it and you're ok with it yet you act like you hate me for leaving?"
"I don't hate you for leaving. I really want to say I don't hate you at all but a small part of me does honestly. Did it hurt when you broke up with me as you were leaving? Hell yes but I didn't hate you for it."
"Then if you don't hate me for leaving what do you hate me for?"
"Honestly?" I asked when he nodded I continued. "I hated you for dropping all contact. For not answering when I called, for not being there when I needed you the most. I hated you because when I felt that my world was crumbling and I couldn't go on anymore a small part of me thought that if only you were there I would be ok. If I had you by my side even just as my friend I could get through. But you never came. You never answered, you never returned my calls or anyone else's. It was like when you left you quit caring about everyone that loved you. That's what I hated. A part still does but the rest of me says you have your reasons and a part of me is glad you weren't there for all that shit. I just wish I could understand."
"It wasn't like it was easy staying away. Besides you barely called. You called a few times the first month or two and that was it. I answered those calls or texted you back if I missed them. I didn't start ignoring calls from home until Iv…about a year later" he said breaking off.
"Dimitri I called you for months. I called you about 15 in one day. I kept calling until one day a female who I am now guessing was Tasha answered and smarted off to me. If it wasn't easy why did you do it?" I asked.
"I never had any missed calls from you but, I can' guarantee I would have called you back if I had seen them. If they were as frequent as you say I probably would have. That's a long story." He said blowing off my question.
"How come you can ask me all these questions but when I try to ask you something as simple as why did you abandon me and your family for 5 years, probably longer if I wouldn't have shown up, you shut down? How is that fair?"
"Because it's not a simple question and it's really not something I like to think about."
"You see me half break down in an alley way over a song, hear me talk about how I quit something that I loved for 15 years, watch me actually breakdown in the hospital and say something like "It's not something I like to think about"! Do you think any of these things were something I liked to think about? No but I still did and I still told you twice as much as you've told me."
"If you've been so honest with me then tell me who exactly Conner is? What were those two songs about last night that you were so vague about? The one that made you flee from the room and the last one? Were they about the same thing? Different things? What?" when I paused he started again. "See not that easy is it?"
"That's different. Conner doesn't directly involve you and I still told you partially about him. The songs are sort of about the same thing. The first one is about one thing where the second one is a little more complicated. It's kind of about 2 things in one but, one thing was the cause of the second. Those don't involve you either. Besides you could have known about both if you hadn't have cut me out of your life. Don't go try turning this around on me. It's your own fault you don't know the answer to any of those questions! It's not my fault I don't know what changed to make you hate us so much and that actually does involve me!"
"IF I HATE YOU SO MUCH THEN WHY AM I IN TEXAS WITH YOU? I'M NOT HERE CAUSE I FANCIED A TRIP!" he yelled. A small part of me really wanted to laugh that he used the word fancied…I have never heard him say that. But I was too angry.
"If you don't want to be here Dimitri then go! JUST FREAKING LEAVE! I'm a big girl I can find my own way home!" I yelled. We had been sitting in the parking lot of the other hotel for a few minutes so I grabbed my things and jumped out of the car. Luckily I didn't have much so it only took a few seconds.
Well I guess I can say we are no longer on friendly terms anymore.