Disclaimer: I don't own Halo, all OCs are mine

chapter 14: have you ever seen the rain?

May 25, 2544

location: UNSC cruiser marathon in slipspace

was it my fault? Kyle wondered as he lifted weights in the gym of the cruiser. Kyle had to admire the marathon class, they had a wide range of recreational facilities, all of them Kyle pretty much had to himself due to most of the regular crew, Marines and thankfully the ODSTs in cryo stasis. The Chief Medical Officer had instructed Kyle to exercise daily after his near death experience back on Miridem, the elite that had stabbed him. Kyle had been wondering if what happened to Cassandra and Shelia was his fault? He was leading them through the ONI complex, he took Halsey's recommendation that they try the access corridor to the motor pool. He should have cautioned Shelia, shouldn't have stopped the warthog where the ghost could have snuck up on them. Kyle banished the thought from his mind, only to have it resurface a moment later. Kyle set the weights down and moved over to the bench press, loaded the weights and began lifting. This strained his recently stitched abs and sent lances of pain through his abdomen.

"Kyle?" Kelly asked as she walked over to him. Kyle continued with his weight lifting and didn't look up at her.

"Kyle, look at me" Kelly said.

He finally looked over in her direction, she was dressed in sweats and had obviously just arrived for a workout. Kyle still kept lifting the weights as she continued.

"You haven't talked to anyone for over a day, not since you got out of the coma. If something is bugging you, you can tell me."

"Its nothing, Kelly, get off my case" Kyle replied as he began pumping iron faster, the pain in his abdomen getting worse.

"I've know you too long to just walk away, I can tell when you're really bothered, so what is it?" Kelly pressured.

"I said its nothing!" Kyle barked as the pain got worse and he kept lifting the weights. Kelly finally grabbed hold of the weights and placed them back on the rack.

"Enough" she said. "I'm taking you to the infirmary."

"I'm not sick" Kyle growled.

"You're bleeding" Kelly said as she pointed to Kyle's tanktop, there was a red stain right over his abdomen. "You probably tore your stitches again" she said as she took Kyle's arm and tried to lead him to the door.

"I can walk there myself" Kyle muttered as he wrenched free of her grasp and went to the door. Kelly stood there for a moment before rubbing her temples and following Kyle out, but not to the infirmary. Kelly went down to the medlab which Halsey had claimed as her area during their stay on the marathon. Kelly found Halsey surrounded by Styrofoam cups, looking at what appeared to be armor schematics on a monitor. She shut off the display and turned around in her chair to face Kelly.

"Is something wrong?" She asked.

"I need your help on something" Kelly said.

Halsey looked Kelly over in her current attire and said, "I'm afraid I would be much of a good spotter for your workouts."

"Its not that" Kelly said as she sighed, her face changed to a more regretful and desperate one. Halsey realized what she meant and raised an eyebrow.

"You're having difficulties dealing with your new found feelings, am I right?"

"Its been a bit awkward, being around him on a daily basis. He was a little angry towards me a few minutes ago, in the gym. He was lifting weights a little too hard and he tore his stitches, I tried to help him to the infirmary but he shoved me away."

"Was he bleeding seriously?" Halsey asked.

"It didn't look like it" said Kelly. "But what if he stays angry at me for that?"

"Kelly, it was a simple disagreement, people have them all the time" said Halsey. "Your friendship with him is in no danger of being fractured."

"Doctor, how do I... you know, move things up, our relationship I mean?" Kelly asked.

"You want to take your friendship with Kyle to the next level?" Halsey clarified. "What if he doesn't want to, what if he doesn't feel the same way?"

"I... never thought of it" Kelly muttered.

"I'm not saying you should give up" said Halsey. "Kelly, love is a very complex emotion that doesn't involve just you, but everyone around you. It can either lead to the best time you'll have in your entire life, or it can hurt you, I know. Sometimes the first person you fall in love with won't necessarily turn out to be 'the one'. Love can happen as quickly as a day or it can be gradual, which is your case. What I am trying to tell you is to take things slow, let your relationship develop, just because you're ready for a relationship doesn't mean he is."

--

Kyle sat shirtless on one of the infirmary beds as the doctor stitched him back up.

"You're lucky it was only three of them" said the Doctor. "If anymore had come loose then you could have bled to death."

"I doubt that" said Kyle.

"Even Spartans have a limit" said the Doctor. "I imagine you tore these three exercising, I said not to take it too hard."

The Doctor finished his stitches and slapped a bandage over Kyle's wound. Kyle stood up and tossed his shirt over his shoulder, not wanting to draw attention to the blood stain by wearing it.

"Now take it easy for the next few days" said the Doctor. "You can continue to exercise, but do it at an easier rate."

Kyle nodded and left the infirmary, but had to pass through the temporary morgue set up in the next room. There were several body bags stacked on top of one another, Marines who were killed on the surface of Miridem. None of them bore the body of Shelia since there was noting left of her that Kyle and Cassandra could retrieve, and what about Cassandra? Kyle thought it was his fault that she was injured. He quickly went past the bodies and into the corridor, leaned up against the bulkhead and took several deep breaths. He was unaware he was being watched from down the hall by Kelly who had hoped to catch him just coming out of the infirmary. She could tell something was really bothering him by the way he was acting, he put a hand on the side of his head and slumped down to the floor. Kelly thought she herd a sniffle coming from him. She leaned around the corner a little more but her foot hit a tool box that had been left on the floor by an engineer. Kelly pulled her head back just as Kyle's snapped up in her direction. Kelly could pick up Kyle's footsteps as he headed for her position, so Kelly darted down the hall and ducked into a supply closet just as Kyle came around the corner, seeing nothing but an empty corridor.

What am I doing hiding? Kelly thought. I should just tell him I was concerned and wanted to see how he was doing. Kelly stepped out of the supply closet, but Kyle had already left.

--

Kyle had returned to the room he'd been assigned and collapsed on the bed, not even bothering to toss his blood stained shirt in the FRS. He simply lay sprawled across the bed and quickly drifted off to sleep, dreaming of the last time he'd felt this much guilt. But it was rather interesting what his mind deemed most guilty moment.

August 5, 2008

location: Sol system, Earth- Alexandria, VA

Kyle sat at his desk, looking over his summer vacation English class assignment his English teacher, Esteban McDowell had given them the last day of school. Kyle often procrastinated when it came to his English assignments, which made English his poorest subject.

"Kyle, your girlfriend is here" Josh called up the stairs.

"You call her by her name!" Kyle yelled back.

"Kyle, cut your brother some slack" said Catlin as she entered his room and shut the door.

"Hey, Katie" Kyle said as he got out of his chair and hugged her. Strangely, she didn't return the hug so Kyle let go and took a step back.

"Katie, is there something wrong?"

"No" Catlin replied quickly. "I just needed to talk to you about something."

"Ok, then talk" Kyle said. "If you're having a problem you know I can always be here to help."

"That's just it, Kyle" said Catlin. "The problem is us."

"Catlin... don't" Kyle muttered.

"Look, Kyle, I just don't think this is working out" Catlin said.

Kyle sat down at the foot of his bed and ran his hands through his hair, why was she breaking up with him? Kyle hadn't done anything wrong during their relationship, he always kept his dates, was always around, why is she doing this now? Catlin sat down next to Kyle and griped his hand.

"I didn't mean to hurt you" she whispered.

"Then why are you doing this?"

"Because... I have a lot going on right now, and I don't think its right for me to have a relationship" said Catlin. "Kyle, I still want to be your friend if you'll let me. I don't want to loose you completely."

"You should have thought of that before deciding to dump me" Kyle muttered.

"Kyle, I'm not dumping you Catlin said. I just want to go back to being friends."

Kyle sat there, unresponsive and unmoved by Catlin's reassuring words.

"Catlin... I think you should go" Kyle muttered.

"Kyle, I..."

"just go" Kyle said.

Catlin let go of Kyle's hand and stood up, heading for the door. Catlin pulled it open and went into the hall, but hesitated for a moment as she turned back to look at Kyle. He still hung his head low and he was staring at his left hand, the one Catlin held moments earlier. Catlin knew this was for the best so she shut the door and didn't look back. Kyle plopped back on his bed when her herd the door shut, convinced this was all his fault.

May 26, 2544

location: UNSC cruiser marathon in slipspace

Kyle sat down to his breakfast in the relativity empty mess hall at a table in the back. He twiddled his food around with his fork but didn't have the appetite to eat it. He saw another tray being placed on the opposite side of the table, so he looked up to find Kelly sitting down across from him.

"You looked a little lonely" she said.

"I don't need company" Kyle muttered.

"Kyle, just please tell me what's wrong" Kelly said. "You haven't been yourself since Miridem."

"I keep thinking its all my fault" Kyle said.

"You and I both know that's wrong" Kelly replied. "There was no way you could have known that..."

"yes I should!" Kyle barked at her. "I was supposed to have cautioned Shelia before she went out there. I shouldn't have stopped the warthog. Cassandra can't fight anymore because of me."

"That's not true" Kelly said to him.

"Yes it is!" Kyle yelled before he stormed out of the mess hall. Kyle must have walked almost half the length of the ship before he decided to head to the gym and blow off some steam. He was almost to the gym when he was met by Doctor Halsey in the corridor.

"I was watching you on the security feeds" she said to him. "I herd what you said to Kelly in the mess."

"So now you're spying on me, is that it?" Kyle asked harshly.

"I'm concerned, like Kelly is" Halsey said. "Your behavior since you got out of your coma has been showing increasing signs of depression."

"You know damn well why that is!" Kyle snapped.

"Kyle, as I'm sure you've been told, it wasn't your fault at all."

"You weren't ther..." Kyle stopped short because he remembered Halsey bore full witness to what happened. Kyle started to feel sorry about being harsh to her.

"Cassandra has been asking to see you" Halsey muttered.

--

At Halsey's suggestion, Kyle went down to the intensive care section of the cruiser's medical center. Inside one of the private wards was a cylindrical, neutral buoyancy tank. Inside was the battered and twisted body of Cassandra. Her injuries were caused by high speed shrapnel that penetrated her armor, one such piece was responsible for her partial paralysis. Another nicked her armor's hydrostatic controls and caused the gel to superheat and melt through into direct contact with her skin. She suffered massive third degree burns to most of her body. Parts of her skin were simply just missing and Kyle could clearly see her musculature, a couple bones were also exposed. Kyle moved over to where her face was, her hair had been burned off along with most of her scalp, the back of her skull was exposed. A mask covered most of her lower mouth, and she was surprisingly alert as her eyes followed Kyle as he stood in front of her.

"It's about time you showed up" she said, her voice was weak, frail and a bit raspy.

"How... how are you doing in there?"

"Fine, under the circumstances. They said my right leg is the paralyzed one, I'll be lucky if I can even use a wheelchair with all the skin grafts I'll need."

"What did they put on a timeframe for recovery?" Kyle asked.

"With our medical technology, ten years... maybe more."

"Cassie, I am so sorry" Kyle said. "I did this to you."

"Some poor elite looking for a lucky kill did this to me" Cassandra said defiantly. "Don't you even start blaming yourself."

"That elite wouldn't have gotten his kill if I didn't stop the hog."

"You were concerned for Halsey" Cassandra assured him. "At those speeds, the wind chill alone could have caused frostbite."

"Cassie, don't put the blame away from where it truly lies" Kyle said. "I should be the one being discharged from the Spartan program, I should be floating around in a tank."

"Please, your little flesh wound from that energy sword was worse than mine" Cassandra said, trying to add a bit of humor to Kyle's somber mood with no success.

"I'm a threat to everyone" Kyle said. "I can't even command a team without incurring casualties, what kind of Commander is that."

"Any other one" Cassandra said. "We loose people we care about everyday."

"It doesn't matter anymore" Kyle said. "I'm ending this."

Cassandra saw him walk to the back of the room and take something off one of the trays before leaving the infirmary. She couldn't tell what it was due to her being submerged in the tank, but what he said gave her a bad feeling, she had to tell someone before he did something drastic.

--

Kelly burst into Halsey's lab just as she got back from talking to Kyle in the hall.

"Doctor, I don't think I can do this" Kelly said.

"What are you talking about?" Halsey asked.

"Kyle, I can't keep feeling this way about him" said Kelly. "I'm starting to be overly caring of him, I'm going out of my way to make sure he's ok every day. What if I choose him over something else that's important, like a mission?"

Halsey let out a sigh as she removed her glasses. "Kelly, you need to understand you're 32 years old now, a grown woman. Love is something that is bound to happen to everyone and we all learn to deal with it in one form or another. It can sometimes frighten you, all these strange emotions, but we all learn to deal with it in the end."

She removed a vial from a nearby container and held it up.

"Remember how I said you had hormones in your system that explained your feelings, this is a chemical I've been working on that will suppress those hormones."

"I'll stop loving Kyle if I take it?" Kelly asked.

"This is designed to counter your physical attraction to him" said Halsey. "But that is one of the big questions about love, is it just a physical attraction or is it something deeper? Either way, I can't be certain that if you take this, your feelings for Kyle will disappear. Ultimately, I'm going to leave it up to you if you want to take it."

"I think..." Kelly started before they were interrupted by the voice of the ship's AI.

"Code 5, medical emergency in the gymnasium. Repeat, code 5, medical team to the gymnasium."

"That's up one level" said Halsey.

Kelly and Halsey rushed out of the infirmary and to a nearby lift to see if they could help the med team out. When they arrived, the med team hadn't made it there yet so Halsey prepared to enter the gym, but the door was frozen. Halsey made for the keypad next to the door, but there was no need as Kelly pried the doors apart with her bare hands. She opened the doors wide enough for Halsey to squeeze through, the scientist entered the gym and Kelly let the doors shut, figuring Halsey would unlock them from the inside. It took the Doctor a full minute to unlock the door before Kelly was able to enter. Kelly wondered what had taken her so long to unlock the door, and got her answer. Halsey was kneeling next to Kyle who was sprawled out on the floor, in a pool of his own blood. There was a surgical scalpel lodged in his abdomen, right where his stab wound was. Kyle's right hand held the scalpel loosely.

"He's unresponsive" Halsey said as she tried to shake him awake. She felt his neck for a pulse, "he's alive!"

"doctor, who did this, who stabbed him?" Kelly asked, ready to attack whoever did this to him.

"No one attacked him" Halsey said to her. "This looks like a suicide attempt, Kyle tried to kill himself."

Kelly froze where she stood, and the whole world seemed to go by without her even noticing. Why would he kill himself? She was pushed out of the way by the med team as they arrived and loaded Kyle onto a gurney. Halsey assisted them in removing the scalpel and filling his wound with biofoam. They rolled the gurney out of the gym and to the infirmary, Kelly still stood there, in shock about what she saw.

"Why would you do it, Kyle?" She whispered to herself.

--

Kyle could feel himself on the edge of life and death, he was moving, that much he knew. There were voices, one sounded like Halsey's, was he stopped by them? Kyle felt his mind slip out of that thought and into oblivion where he dreamed again.

August 5, 2008

location: Sol system, Earth- Alexandria, VA

Marlyn Stevens went up the stairs and down the hall of her home to her son's room. Her youngest son, Joshua, had told her when she got home that Kyle's girlfriend had come over while she was out, and then left practically in tears. Joshua also said Kyle hadn't come out since. Marlyn approached the door and knocked softly, only to discover the door was opened only a crack. The door was slightly ajar now, and she could see Kyle laying on his side on his bed, facing the window. It was raining fairly heavily now and they could hear the drops as they hit the window. Marlyn pushed the door open the rest of the way and went inside, shutting the door behind her so Joshua couldn't eavesdrop.

"Kyle?" She said as she nudged him a bit, figuring he was asleep. Kyle happened to be awake and he looked over at his mother.

"Kyle, did something happen today with Catlin?" She asked.

"She dumped me, mom" Kyle muttered. "Didn't even say why, but I know it was my fault."

"Do you know what you did?" She asked.

"That's the thing, I don't. I don't know what I did to her" Kyle replied.

"Oh, Kyle" Marlyn said as she pulled her son to sit up right, and she put an arm around him. "Its not your fault, sometimes women are afraid of commitment or a long term relationship. Love can be kind of scary. The first girl you fall in love with won't necessarily turn out to be the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. I know what that's like."

"You loved someone before dad?" Kyle asked.

"I did she replied. He was a soldier too, when he died I thought I'd never love anyone else again, then I met your father. Kyle, what I'm trying to tell you is that this isn't the end, who knows, you and Catlin could patch things together down the road."

"Thanks, mom" Kyle whispered. "Mom, how bad was it when you were on your own?"

"Considering I had no family when he died, I wasn't so great, but I have the three of you and your father now. Even if you never get things working with Catlin, just remember you have us. And don't blame yourself for this, everyone screws up but its not always just your fault."

May 27, 2544

location: UNSC cruiser marathon in slipspace

Kyle could feel himself waking up, ever so slowly. The feeling returned in his extremities, including a lance of pain where he... Kyle opened his right eye a crack and caught sight of Kelly sitting next to his bed. She was holding his right hand in her own, her thumb gently massaged the top of his hand. Kyle opened his eyes all the way and Kelly let go of his hand.

"That's twice in one week, you know" she said. "Why did you do it, Kyle?"

Kyle simply lay there in the bed, afraid of what they would do to him for attempting suicide. He would most likely be discharged for mental instability, that wouldn't be so bad, would it? At least he couldn't hurt his friends anymore.

"Kyle, please just talk to me?" Kelly asked him. "I want to help you, but you've got to say something... please. There had to be some way of getting him to listen, then Kelly thought of it, "I care about what happens to you Kyle, because..." Kelly clammed up at the last second, she couldn't muster the will, a Spartan who faces death a thousand times a day is afraid to say three simple words that could help her friend. She quickly thought of something else to say. "You and John are all I have left, my only two friends. I don't want to loose you."

Kyle was unmoved by Kelly's words, consumed in guilt. Kelly had all but given up hope. Halsey arrived 20 minutes later to relieve Kelly, they were taking turns on Kyle's suicide watch. Kelly got out of her chair and spoke discreetly to doctor Halsey.

"He won't talk to me" she reported.

Halsey sighed, "Kelly, I know is a long shot, but maybe you should tell him how you feel."

"I can't, doctor, I tried. But I just couldn't say it" Kelly replied, she turned back to look at Kyle. "There has to be some way to reverse this."

"Reverse?" Halsey muttered.

"Doctor, maybe we should revive the Chief from cryo to talk to Kyle. Or maybe gray team, I know Kyle was close to them" Kelly suggested.

"I'm not sure what help they would be" said Halsey. "Go, get some rest, you can relieve me in six hours."

"Yes, doctor" Kelly said as she left. Halsey stood there pondering, then an idea formed in her head. She moved over to the terminal and after making sure Kyle was out of earshot, she activated the COM.

"Patch me through to the intensive care ward"

--

an hour later, Halsey supervised Cassandra's arrival in Kyle's room, it was a damn good thing they made the neutral buoyancy tanks portable.

"Doctor, are you sure this is a good idea?" Cassandra asked through the microphone in her mask, her voice was still weak. "What if this just makes him feel worse?"

"His guilt is what's making him feel bad" said Halsey. "This may be the only way to help him."

"But its not true, I know it isn't."

"You want to help Kyle, right?" Then I'm afraid reverse psychology may be the only way said Halsey.

"I'll do it if this can help him" said Cassandra. "I didn't warn everyone in time he took a surgical scalpel."

The med techs moved her over to the side of Kyle's bed, who was asleep and hadn't woken up with all the noise going on. Once Cassandra was in place, the techs and Halsey vacated the room. Kyle stired after five minutes and noticed Cassandra in the room.

"I herd what you did" said Cassandra. Halsey says you're not suicidal, otherwise you would have done it in your room instead of the gym where you knew were surveillance cameras. You wanted us to find you."

Kyle didn't respond, but looked away.

"I forgive you, Kyle" Cassandra said.

His head snapped up in her direction, he blinked twice in rapid succession and shook his head clear, as if he had just woken up. Kyle suddenly realized everything he'd done over the past day, treating everyone badly, the suicide attempt.

"Cassie, what have I done?" Kyle said. "I did this to you."

"I know" Cassandra replied, following Halsey's instructions to play along with Kyle. "I forgive you for everything, but you have to do something for me."

"Anything"

"promise me you won't beat yourself up over this, that you'll keep fighting and keep leading... for me."

Cassandra reached out with her good hand and touched the glass of her tank. Kyle in turn reached out with his left hand and touched the same spot on the tank. Neither of them had noticed Kelly was watching them from the doorway. She had given it some thought and decided to tell Kyle the truth about how she felt, thinking it really could help him. Only when she arrived, she caught Kyle and Cassandra talking, and arrived in time to hear Cassandra make Kyle promise to get better for her. Then it dawned on her "no wonder he tried to kill himself, he likes Cassandra". This would mean that Kyle couldn't love Kelly back, that her feelings for him meant nothing. But Kelly didn't stop loving him, because she still held onto the hope that one day.... Kyle would love her back.