A/N: More angst. I promise there's a happy ending though!

That weekend, the detectives organized a party for all the members of the precinct and squad, including Melinda, Huang, and Casey. It was partly a holiday celebration, but everyone knew the real reason behind the festivities- it was in recognition of Casey's safe return.

All through the night, different uniforms came up to Casey and told her how glad they were that she was alright. She thanked them all, truly appreciating their concern, but what meant the most to her was being with Olivia, Elliot, Fin, Cragen, and John. It was good to see them all enjoying themselves after all the stress they dealt with day after day. Casey was never much inclined to be emotional, but after everything that had happened, being with the people she cared about was enough to keep her close to tears all night.

However, Casey could not completely let loose because something was weighing on her mind. When she could not stand it any longer, she went to Olivia and asked if they could talk.

"Of course," Olivia replied, though she looked wary. She followed Casey to a corner of the bullpen where they were out of earshot of all the others. Before Casey could say a word, Olivia hugged her and said, "We were so worried about you."

"Thanks," Casey said, trying to smile. She was unsuccessful because her heart was beating so fast that it was distracting her from everything else. She leaned against the wall, folding her arms across her chest. "I have a problem," she said softly, not meeting Olivia's eyes.

"What is it?" Olivia's voice was full of worry.

"It's not that bad," Casey tried to assure her, but she stopped. "Or maybe it is. I don't know." She fell back into silence, unsure of how to start.

Olivia did not rush her, but she said, "You can tell me anything, Case."

She nodded, taking a deep breath. "Ok." She closed her eyes. "Liv…I sort of lied to John…and I'm afraid that I'm going to flinch away the next time we…." She sighed. "I don't want to hurt him," she said sadly.

Olivia grasped Casey's arm, startling her so her eyes snapped open. "Casey," she said desperately, her eyes filled with fear, "what do you mean?"

Casey regarded her. "I asked John if he raped me, and he didn't. John looked so relieved that I couldn't bring myself to tell him what did happen…and now…." She shook her head.

"What did he do to you?" Casey could tell that Olivia was fighting to stay professional about the whole thing, but her eyes were shining with tears, effectively betraying her.

Casey glanced over at John who was going off about the Patriot Act to Cragen and Huang, making sure that he was not paying attention. "He just touched me…pretty much everywhere."

"Did he penetrate you?"

"Only with his fingers. It didn't hurt. He said he was going to let me anticipate being raped for a while."

Olivia put her hands on Casey's shoulders, forcing them to lock eyes. "Casey, you know that's still rape. The fact that it wasn't violent doesn't change that."

Casey nodded. "I know," she said softly. "I just…I…."

"I have to act on what you told me. He needs to be put away for kidnap, assault, and rape."

"I know." The tears that had been threatening to fall all night finally broke free and Casey slumped against the wall again. "I don't care. I just wish John didn't have to find out. Ever. I don't want to tell him and see the look on his face, but I don't trust myself not to give it away when he touches me." She fixed Olivia with a sad gaze. "He practically killed John with all of this. He hasn't said anything really, but I can tell…and this will just make it worse.

"I had no idea what a vengeful bastard Philip is. I wouldn't sleep with him and now he's made it so I can't be with John without hurting him…." She closed her eyes, shaking her head bitterly. She did not know how much more suffering John could endure.

She felt Olivia envelope her in an embrace again. "I'm sorry, Casey," Olivia whispered as Casey's tears soaked her shoulder. "I'm sorry."

After a few minutes, Casey pulled away. "I didn't mean to give you a shower," she said, offering a small smile.

Olivia smiled back. "Don't worry about it." She squeezed Casey's hand. "Wait here a second." Casey nodded and watched as Olivia walked to the table with the coffee and poured a mug. She was immediately accosted by John who had apparently noticed that Casey was crying in the corner, but Olivia shook him off with a few words. John looked over at Casey and she quickly dropped her eyes to the floor. She knew it looked suspicious, but she had no idea what else to do at the moment.

Olivia returned and handed the steaming mug to Casey, who took a sip. "Thanks." She drank in silence for a few minutes while Olivia stood there, just watching her.

"Can I give you some advice?"

Casey nodded. "Please."

"Ok, you know that John will find out about this sooner or later. Don't you think he'd rather hear it from you than Cragen or someone?"

"Yes," Casey conceded, but the mere thought of the look in his eyes if she told him was almost enough to make her cry again.

"I know it will be hard," Olivia said quickly. "And Casey…he's going to cry."

She nodded, biting her lip.

"But he'll be ok. He still has you, and nothing in the past will hurt so much that he'll forget that."

Casey chanced a glance over at John. He was talking with Elliot and Cragen, but he was much more subdued than he had been fifteen minutes before. She sighed, turning back to Olivia.

"What about the next time we have sex? I mean, it's not that I don't trust him…it's nothing like that, but…you know?"

Olivia nodded her understanding. "Tell him that. Warn him, and he'll help you. Keep your eyes open so you know it's him, and have him talk to you until you forget why you were afraid. I don't think it will take long for you to realize that it's completely different with someone who loves you."

"Ok." She drained the mug and sighed, clutching it tightly. "Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"Could you not tell Don or anyone for a few days? I mean, it's not like there's any evidence that's going to go cold…it's just my word. And I doubt Philip will deny it if you ask him."

Olivia paused, looking troubled.

"I know it's against procedure," Casey said quickly. "Don't do it if you feel wrong about it."

The detective shook her head. "No. It's ok. I understand, and I want to do whatever will make this whole experience the easiest for you."

"Thank you."

They went back to the rest of the group and to the men they loved, but Casey's fear was only partially assuaged. She knew that, whatever Olivia said, the truth would kill John.