14
He couldn't avoid the world forever, he knew this, but he was certainly going to stall as long as he could. He knew it was shameless and cowardly and yet he could not help it.
"The one thing I do know was what we weren't to each other."
Sitting in his old room on his old bed the Hyuuga leaned forward, putting his hands through his hair. Those words had hit him harder than any physical blow and the vulnerability he had felt from him had made him leave right then and there. He knew why he had fled; it had been from a potential – Ha! Potential! – broken heart. The reality of the situation was that he was running from hearing those words, that Sasuke had remembered enough of his past and no longer felt comfortable continuing their relationship. He had looked uncomfortable with him in the room. The two hadn't known each other well in the past and it wasn't as if they had liked the little bit that they had known. As much as everyone else wanted the old Sasuke back…that was the last thing he wanted.
And I had told him that I loved him.
The old Uchiha would have probably found it amusing, or disgusting, depending. Sasuke had held no love for Konoha prior to his death and had the man had his way all of them would be dead. Hands gripped his hair tightly; he should have kept his distance. Why had he allowed himself to grow close to someone? He had never done that before, had never had a reason to. He had liked his life. He had enjoyed being single and having no attachments.
He felt like such an idiot for allowing himself to become so vulnerable to the point where he was now sitting, no, hiding, in his old home feeling as if someone had ripped his heart from his chest. He hated this feeling; he hated the fact that he was so emotionally weak. That night he had actually wept, something he hadn't done since his father had died. He had felt pathetic for doing it; was this what love did to people? Did they always make them this foolish and ridiculous?
Neji couldn't stop those words from echoing in his head and every time he heard it he felt as if another part of him had died. He had meant it when he said he had loved Sasuke but it wasn't until all of this had happened that he realized how alarmingly true his words had really been.
So he had ran and…nothing. Sasuke didn't come looking for him. From what he could tell, the attempt hadn't even been made. For Neji, it had only confirmed his fears: that Sasuke was no longer comfortable and possibly no longer held the same feelings as before. This was only more depressing, so he continued to remain reclusive as he tried to pick up the broken pieces of his damaged emotions. When his mind wasn't going over Sasuke's words it was reliving their time together. This only brought him more anguish because it would never happen again. More than likely just being around the other male would make him uncomfortable and awkward. He wondered often if Sasuke regretted it all. He had no idea what the man's sexual preference had been prior to his amnesia; had he been straight and now the thought that he had slept with a man disgusted him?
Stop this. Damnit, stop this line of thinking. It's asinine.
He hated that he was behaving like this; he hated that he felt the way he did. So what if Sasuke regretted it? He didn't and he should just be content with what they'd had together. He needed to get up, get his shit together and move the hell on from this. He had given Sasuke his out to keep awkward exchanges to a minimum. He had moped around for weeks too long; it was time to start behaving like a proper Hyuuga again. He needed to start looking for an apartment. Imposing on Hinata like he was doing was unacceptable. He also needed to get back to work. Taking a leave of absence to sit around and be pathetic had been foolish. He should have instead taken more missions to take his mind off of everything.
There was a sharp gasp as his lover arched his back, his hand squeezing his tightly. He shivered as muscles wrapped around him. Being inside someone had never felt so amazing. That dark eye was smoldered with heat and lust as he looked up at him. When he rocked his hips that eye closed, his back arched again and a low moan escaped kiss-swollen lips. Fingers dug into his shoulder and his name echoed in the darkness of the room.
'Neji…" his lover panted as another moan escaped and coherent thought was replaced by pleasure-induced murmurs – 'harder, fuck yes…more…faster…s-so good…' – which were driving him insane. He obliged, his body feeling as if it were on fire, body tightening, wanting release so damn badly. His lover moaned his name again and he shivered at the intensity.
"Do you ever wish you could remember?" he asked his lover, who shrugged.
"Not really." Shifting on the couch a hand moved through long brown hair. "Especially not now that I'm with you."
He had to stop this; he had to. Highly irritated with himself he stood up in his room and was about to head out the door when it slammed open, revealing none other than the Hokage himself. Surprised, Neji blinked at the man for a moment, taking him in. Naruto was highly agitated, frustrated, and worried. Something had happened that involved him so he concluded it could only be two things. One, it was about a mission or two, it was about Uchiha. He had a sick feeling it was the latter.
Despite his turbulent emotions Neji schooled his face into an expressionless mask and stared at the blonde. "Naruto." It was a flat greeting but the other male didn't seem to care.
"Alright, what the hell is going on between you two?" Two steps were taken into his room, revealing Hinata at the door, a worried and pensive expression on her face.
This confrontation wasn't a surprise but he was irritated. He had never been one for people butting into his personal life and he certainly wasn't appreciative of it right now.
Seeing that Neji wasn't going to answer he growled slightly and took a more menacing step forward. "Why did you break up with Sasuke? I know that's what happened; I saw him and I know it wasn't him so why?"
He bristled "This isn't any of your –"
"It is my business!" he cut in. "I'm your friend! Both of yours! Did you two get into a fight or something? Something's gotta give. No one wants to see the two of you continue to suffer."
"I'm sure Uchiha is just fi –"
Hinata cried out as Neji was abruptly cut off. Air was pushed from his lungs and pain filled him. When the Hokage spoke again his voice was low and angry, fist still in his friend's gut.
"For someone who's always prided themselves on being observant, you're really blind." It came out as a growl. "Just fine, Neji? The guy is suffering."
He was pushed back onto his bed, arms wrapping around his stomach as he tried to cough and gather some air back into his lungs.
"Alright, I don't know what happened." The Hokage looked very agitated. "I don't know why it's like this but I know now it's your fault. Whatever the hell you're thinking Neji, get it out of your head." Frustrated, he raked a hand through blonde tresses. "C'mon man, you were the only person Sasuke allowed to get close to him. He's still distant with me even!" There was some hidden pain in his tone but Neji, who was irritated at having been punched in the gut, wasn't feeling sympathetic.
"That's because you wanted him to be something he wasn't," he growled. "You made him feel as if who he was wasn't good enough."
"Oh yeah? Well what do you think you're doing, huh?" Blue eyes blazed with anger. "How do you think he feels knowing that the person he loves just dropped him for no damn reason? He trusted and confided in you Neji and you dropped the guy while he was still in the hospital. That's cold."
"You don't understand –"
"Then start explaining." The Hokage crossed his arms. "I got time."
It was at this point that Hinata had walked in. Her gaze was solemn. "I…Naruto-kun is right Neji-niisan." She sighed softly. "I've seen Uchiha-san and…" She shook her head. "Please, Neji-niisan we just…we all just want you to be happy and you two are miserable. It hurts us to see you two like this."
There was silence as the two – yes, even Naruto, surprisingly – waited patiently for Neji to speak or do something. He didn't really know what to say. He was horribly confused and lost. Sasuke was…miserable? He believed Hinata's claims even if Naruto hadn't come inside pissed off for his friend.
Stomach feeling a little better he put his hands through his thick, somewhat untamed hair. "I…can't," he finally said. He couldn't tell them why he was like this; he couldn't put himself on the line like that emotionally around these two.
He needed to calm down and he needed to think logically about this. For weeks he had been operating on emotion. Logical thought processes had been tossed out the window. First things first, Hinata and Naruto were telling him that his leaving Sasuke was making him miserable. Since he did not believe them to be liars he backtracked to the night he had last spoken to Sasuke.
The Uchiha had looked very uncomfortable around his presence but there could have been other reasons for that, not just the one he had been dreading. For one, Sasuke had all but tried to rip out his throat with his teeth because of whatever it was that had taken over his mind. His discomfort could have been guilt and perhaps fear that his lover would become wary or uncomfortable…possibly even leave. Analyzing it he realized that while Sasuke had looked hesitant and uncomfortable with Neji being in the room, he had seemed more afraid of him being angry about the attack.
Along with that discomfort had been confusion. Natural considering that he had all of a sudden been bombarded with memories. He remembered how Naruto had told him that Sasuke had refused to tell anyone what he remembered…but he had told Neji. He had trusted him which meant that he still…
Suddenly, he felt very ill. Sasuke had told him because he had still trusted him. He had still cared. He had been confused and disoriented, yes, but he wouldn't have opened up to him if he had truly been reverting back to the 'old Uchiha'. Neji had been so terrified of being tossed aside when he had revealed himself so openly that he had reacted. He had been afraid to see contempt and disgust in the other man's eyes, to see that arrogant smirk and look of contempt. After learning that he cared about someone so much he actually wanted to spend the rest of his life with them, having it all shoved back in his face had been absolutely terrifying.
Not that it mattered now. Sasuke would never forgive him for up and leaving like that. Neji had thought, in his panic, that leaving would have made things easier for Uchiha. No weird confrontations, no asking him to leave because he would have already left.
"Neji-niisan…" Hinata's soft voice pulled him from his thoughts. "We're not…we don't want to –"
"I know." Slowly, he looked up at Naruto. "You are right, the fault is mine. However, because it is me, he will not forgive. Whether I confront or continue to avoid him, the result will be the same." And it hurt, but for more than one reason and he had no want or desire to convey them to his friend and cousin.
Neji had apparently forgotten who it was he was dealing with, for the moment he said those words a hand gripped his wrist and he was pulled up hard to his feet. Naruto looked very unhappy.
"Stop running away, Neji. Even if you two don't get back together, you owe the guy an explanation at least. I'm not gonna let this drag out anymore. It's been weeks already. If you two stay broken up we'll still be there for you, but you gotta put some closure to this. You're both falling apart."
He was right, of course. That didn't mean he had to like it. Neji didn't think he could confront Sasuke right now. It felt too soon. But he needed to stop running away. It had never been something he had done before and to continuing to do so now would just be disgraceful.
"Alright. I'll go talk to him."
xxxxx
Hinata-san,
Tomorrow I will be traveling to the Sea country. I did enjoy my time here. I am hoping that it is warm there as well. I find that the longer I am in warm weather the less I enjoy the cold. Is it getting closer to summer there? It is difficult for me to keep up with seasons when Suna is not known for them. Apparently, neither is Snow or Moon country.
I apologize for the shortness of this letter although there is very little to say now that I am leaving. As always, I will write when I arrive safely. Until then.
Temari,
I appreciate your concern but it is unnecessary. Hinata-san and I are friends and I am content with this. When I return I am sure you will no longer wish to hold onto the position of Kazekage and I would not do that to you in any case. I have been selfish enough as it is. I do not love her, although I admire and care for her a great deal. I do not need to be in an intimate relationship to be happy. I enjoy the bonds with the people I have; I treasure them and that is truly all I need. I am not as 'hung up' on her as Kankuro would like for you to believe. You two worry enough about me. I will be fine. If there is anything you need from me, simply say the word.
xxxxx
He actually came two seconds from punching the Hokage in the face before he reigned in his emotions. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Sasuke demanded, borderline enraged. "Who asked you to get in the middle of this?"
Neji was outside his house. That person who he wanted nothing more to do with, Uzumaki Naruto had dragged over and was now demanding that the two of them converse with each other. He wanted to tell both of them to go away and leave him the hell alone. He was tired. Ever since he had awakened in this village he had been unhappy; that had changed with Neji and then it had all went to hell.
"C'mon, Sasuke." The Hokage actually looked as frustrated as him. "I don't know the details but I'm starting to think this was just a huge misunderstanding."
The brunette's jaw set. "I don't see what's there to misunderstand when you return and your boyfriend has packed up and moved out. I got the hint pretty clearly."
Naruto made a highly frustrated noise, putting his hands through his already messy hair. "You two are idiots!" he exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air. "He left because he thought it was what you wanted and you're pissed because you think he left because he didn't care. I can't believe I'm actually saying this but grow the hell up, both of you!"
"He what?" Uchiha looked at him as if he had lost it. "That doesn't even make sense; he knows how I've felt. Why would I want him to leave?"
"Look, I don't know, okay? He didn't tell me much. Something had to have happened; Neji doesn't do anything without a reason."
"The one thing I do know was what we weren't to each other."
"Do you think Neji-san left because he was afraid you didn't love him anymore, papa?"
"You're both the sort of people that don't like opening themselves up much." Naruto's voice cut him out of his thoughts. "And Neji's not used to having to explain why he does stuff; he just does what makes sense to him. I don't care what you two do after this, but damnit, you're gonna hash this out one way or the other." Crossing his arms he gave Sasuke a very serious look. "You can either talk to him now or I'll do it for you and ya don't wanna know what I'll come up with."
There was no point in continuing to refuse to see Neji; apparently, the village was going to dig into them until it eventually happened one way or the other. He was only grateful that Kira was spending the night at Kurenai's; she didn't need to be mixed in with this obvious drama. "Fine." He turned his back and walked towards his bedroom. "I'll be in my room."
He ended up waiting for a good ten minutes before he heard the door to his room open and sensed his ex-lover's presence. Awkward silence immediately filled the room but he didn't turn to look at Neji. He kept his gaze out the window, just like he had the day of their first confrontation. Hyuuga only took two steps into the room itself, keeping close to the door as if he was worried about crowding.
Since it was obvious Neji wasn't going to begin, or was trying to find the words to say, he decided to. Hurt, anger, and frustration was laced thickly within. "You know." His hands clenched into fists. "When I first arrived here I didn't know or understand anything. People would smile and be friendly but then they'd also have pity or even disappointment in their eyes. I constantly felt that I wasn't good enough for my so-called 'friends' because I wasn't what they remembered. Anyone who wasn't my 'friend' hated or feared me. This place is the only thing I know and I've never once felt welcome, wanted, or needed. You were the only person who seemed to be happy about the fact that I was like this but our relationship had been a figment of my imagination. My feelings weren't even real."
At this Hyuuga spoke up, his voice low. "Is that what you believe?" he asked but Sasuke couldn't tell what the other male was feeling, the voice was flat and unemotional. "That your feelings for me were never real?"
"Yes," he answered automatically before shaking his head. "No." He put a hand through his hair. "I had those feelings because I had thought we were lovers, but we weren't. We didn't even know each other. I knew that but I still couldn't shake the feeling off and it seriously upset me. I didn't want to feel something that wasn't really there."
"Sasuke, did it ever occur to you that perhaps the reason you felt that way had nothing to do with your memories and everything to do with your intuition? Sometimes the mind simply knows things, things that we won't always admit to ourselves. The day of that confrontation I hadn't understood why I had wanted to be in your life so badly, I just knew I wanted to be your friend. When you rejected me, I had felt very disappointed, still I knew not why. From that first night I had dreamt of you, my thoughts had filled with you and it was not until later that I realized that it was because I had feelings for you. My subconscious knew it, my heart knew it, but I did not. I…was not unhappy being with you, even if it wasn't something I would have foreseen as being possible."
He let the silence stretch as he turned Neji's words over in his mind. Sasuke could not remember Neji claiming that he had felt that way from the very beginning. He had known about the dreams but he hadn't known that it had started from their first encounter in the forest. What was that supposed to mean? That the two of them had felt the same connection but in different ways?
But that didn't matter. "If you weren't unhappy, why did you leave?" He finally turned to face him and it took a lot for him not to react at Neji's appearance. The man was paler than normal and it was obvious he had not been sleeping. His face was a blank mask but his eyes looked tired and sad. "You were the first and only person I trusted but it was because you kept approaching me. I tried to keep my distance. I tried to leave you the hell alone but you persisted." He could feel the anger rising all over again. "I told you I don't know how many times you didn't have to force yourself to feel something for me then all of a sudden you decide to spout some bullshit about love –"
At this the Hyuuga bristled. "I have spoken no untruths to you."
"Fine." He said it through his teeth. "Sure, you loved me. It was just that the moment things got just a little bit difficult you bolted. Way to show it, Hyuuga. I am definitely convinced at this point." The last part was said flatly with no small amount of sarcasm.
They glared at each other, tense silence filling the room once more. When Neji spoke, it had taken a lot for Sasuke not to show the hurt the words caused him.
"I hated you." The older male said it coldly and his expression shifted from indifference to irritation. "The person who came before you, the Uchiha Sasuke that your friends want back so badly, I hated that man." He let out a hard sigh. "It wasn't until I actually interacted with you that I realized how much I had hated him. He left Konoha to pursue power, allied himself with a man who was killing and testing innocent people in order to gain true immortality. Naruto and Sakura hunted him relentlessly, trying to save him from the growing darkness of his soul. This was the same man who had tried to murder his own teammates and sensei, the same man who had allied himself with one of the most vile and dangerous shinobi to have ever existed, knowing that said shinobi wanted nothing more than to take over the world by rendering us mindless vegetables at his command. That man wanted to single handedly destroy anything and everything I had ever loved for the sake of revenge. I hated Uchiha Sasuke and had you still been him we would not be having this conversation." His gaze hardened. "I meant what I said. I love you, not him, and I will never love him nor would I want to."
I…I did all of those things? He was stunned, so much so that he couldn't even think of anything to say. That wasn't all of it, he knew, but it was more than anyone had ever told him and just that bit was devastating. No wonder no one wanted to tell him the full truth. He truly had been a horrible person. Even though Neji knew all of those things and had felt the way he had about his past self, he had still pursued him, had still wanted to be his lover, had even wanted to make their relationship permanent. From the beginning Neji had claimed that he had not associated him with his past self; obviously that was true otherwise he wouldn't have become his lover. By him regaining some of his memories the Hyuuga had recoiled, not from him but from his past self. From the beginning all of his friends had wanted him to regain his memories and the entire time Neji had dreaded it.
"What if by some miracle I did regain my memories?" He didn't even know where the question had come from. It had definitely been automatic. "Would you just ditch me at the first opportunity again?"
He seemed to seriously consider this before responding. "More than likely, if you were to regain your memories you would either be amused at me for foolishly falling for you or be disgusted by my presence. Your past self hated anything and everything to do with this village; I do not think that changed upon his supposed death."
"That's why you left?"
"Yes." When Sasuke looked away with a small scowl Neji crossed his arms and looked uncomfortable. "I have…" A grimace. "I have never had the sort of feelings I'm experiencing and in that I did something foolish. Instead of acting rationally I had misunderstood your discomfort and because I had feared the eventual rejection I left instead, feeling that it would save us the confrontation." A small, wry smirk emerged. "Naruto convinced me that I had been mistaken." The smirk disappeared and he waited until their gazes met once more. "I felt vulnerable; I have held control over my emotions since I was fourteen. It does not mean I do not feel, because I do. I was not always the calm individual you see; most of my early childhood I had been angry and extremely bitter towards my clan. Then you came along and I had found myself simply going with my emotions. I discarded logic. So yes, I ran, but not because I didn't care." He shook his head. "This misunderstanding, the pain you feel from me leaving, I take full blame for it. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. I should have used my head as I always have. But Sasuke, this confrontation…it would have happened eventually."
"What are you talking about?" That made absolutely no sense. "This all happened because of the attack and me regaining some of my memories." He would have continued but Neji shook his head again.
"No, that's not…" He sighed, looking frustrated. "You have never said it but I know you feel the same way I do. You claim that you trusted me but in reality you didn't. A relationship cannot last without trust."
Anger began to bubble back up and Uchiha took a few steps forward. "What do you mean I didn't trust you?" His voice was rising. "Don't try and twist this around. I've told you everything about me that I can remember. I trusted you around Kira; I trusted you with everything!"
"Yes, everything except your heart, as sentimental as it sounds. Tell me, Sasuke, had there ever been a time when we were together that you had not worried I would eventually leave you or stop having feelings for you?"
"I…" He paused, his eye widening in surprise as he seriously considered Neji's words. Any protest he had died on his lips, because he could not deny it. How many times in the past had Neji had to reassure him that he wasn't going anywhere and that he cared? He had constantly questioned his lover's sincerity, had always been on guard just in case the inevitable happened.
The inevitable? That's like saying I had expected the relationship to eventually fail from the beginning.
But hadn't he? His constant insecurity, his insistence that Neji didn't have to force himself to feel something that wasn't there, it was as if had been waiting for Neji to slip up so that he could justify not truly opening his heart and leaving himself completely vulnerable. Was it any surprise then that Neji felt that if he had gotten his memories back that he would have been dropped? It wasn't as if he had given the Hyuuga anything to hope for. Even though Neji had put himself in a vulnerable position by constantly being the one to deepen their relationship and convey his feelings verbally, Sasuke had held back, fearing the worst. Neji had been completely open and he had locked himself in. Was it any surprise then that he had freaked out at the possibility of being rejected?
"But…that also means you didn't trust me either." He frowned thoughtfully. "You didn't believe in me enough to think I'd still care for you once I got some of my memories back."
He nodded. "It is as you say."
Neji was right. This would have happened eventually. If not this, something else would have come up to separate them like this. Sasuke hadn't trusted Neji and because of that Neji had been unable to believe that his feelings would have held fast upon such a change. So what did that mean? "So…what then? This happened because we both didn't trust each other, so what now?"
"I do not know," he said honestly. "It would be up to you. My feelings have not, nor will they change. Naruto claimed that you were miserable without me –" He gave his ex a lopsided smile. "As I have been miserable without you. In any case, I am the one who left when you needed me the most. My leaving only confirmed the suspicions you had from the beginning –"
"It's not just your fault." Sighing, he turned back towards the window. "You wouldn't have left if you had felt that I cared about you enough for it not to matter if I got my memories back or not. We're both to blame for this."
The Hyuuga didn't respond for a while but this time the silence wasn't tense. Then the other male was there beside him and he automatically turned to face him, breath catching slightly at the close proximity. His heart began to beat furiously; he had missed Neji so much, having him here now seemed surreal.
A hand cupped his cheek and he could not help the desire to lean against it. He had missed Neji's touch, his presence. White eyes tinted with silver took him in, his expression blank. "What do you want, Sasuke?"
He frowned slightly. "You…you know what I want."
Neji smiled thinly. "No, I don't. I know that I love you and that the desires I told you of the day of the picnic still stand…but I no longer wish to assume anything concerning your feelings. That is the reason we had this problem to begin with; we kept assuming instead of trusting and truly confiding in each other."
Considering this, he pulled Neji's hand away but did not let go of his wrist. Instead his other hand moved through thick brown hair and pulled him forward by the back of his head, closing the distance between their lips.