October 5th

Dear Enjolras,

I'm in a hospital. I woke up yesterday. I drank a few bottles of beer before trying to slash my wrists. I cut my wrist the wrong way and I guess I yelled pretty loudly and the neighbors heard. They found me passed out on the kitchen floor surrounded in a pool of blood. Les Amis apparently stayed by my side for as long as the nurses and doctors allowed. And of course, when I woke up, they scolded me.

"God, 'Ponine, what the hell were you thinking?" R yelled.

"Calm down, R. She just woke up," Combeferre said.

"No, I want an answer. What the hell were you trying to do?"

"Why the fuck do you care? I haven't seen you in two months," I glared, still groggy. "You don't deserve an answer, you drunk bastard,"

"Well everyone else here deserves an answer," Courfeyrac interjected. "Please, Ép. What am I supposed to tell Gav? His sister was willing to give up her life just for the hell of it?"

I chewed my lip. He was right, they deserved an answer. But I still didn't know what to say.

"I-I," I began to stutter. My voice was shaky and I needed to grab onto the closest thing, which happened to be Jehan's knee. "I d-don't know a-anymore,"

I hated this. I sounded like I was about to burst into tears and they all looked at me like I was helpless.

"Éponine, is this because of Enjolras?" Combeferre gently inquired.

"Yes," I replied exhaustedly. "I'm just so tired. I'm tired of waiting for everything to be okay again. I'm tired of pretending that I'm fine,"

"You can always tell someone about how you're feeling. You can tell us or Musichetta. We're always there for you, 'Ponine,"

"It's not that easy. I've grown up practically relying on myself only. I just can't spill the beans on my feelings. But at the same time, I've gotten so used to being open with Enjolras that it's hard to keep everything inside. And all of this has made me...tired,"

I could still feel their eyes on me. They were silently unsatisfied with my answer on why I wanted to take my life. Honestly, I'm not too certain about why I did it in the first place.

"'Ponine?" Jehan interrupted my thoughts. "You said you were tired of waiting for everything to be okay again,"

"And?" I had a quizzical look on my face. Leave it to Jehan to speak in riddles.

"What did you mean by 'okay again'?"

What did I mean? What did I want the world to give me? Did I even want the world to give me anything? And then, in the back of my mind, the horrid answer came back to me. The terrifying answer pounded in my head and I couldn't contain it anymore.

"I want Enjolras," I bursted into tears. "Enjolras, please. Please come back. I miss you so much. I want you to love me again. Please," I couldn't stop crying. "I just want to be with you again,"

"Éponine, stop," Grantaire said sternly. "Look, you can't be with him again. You have other important things to do. You can't stay hung up on Enjolras forever,"

"How can you say that!" I yelled in between sobs. "I love him!"

"You have to move on. The rest of us are trying to move on, but it's getting really tough with you bringing him up. Do you know how often you mumbled his name in your sleep? Courf, Ferre and Jehan hear it when you fall asleep while they're over at your place. Don't you understand how hard it is for us?"

"I need time! I can't pretend to be fine! That's the reason why I'm in here anyway! And I'm sure that you can't speak for the rest of the group. You're probably the only one who's over sensitive. Right guys?" I looked at the lot of them. Some of them were looking at the floor while some looked at each other, hoping for the correct answer. "You guys all feel that way?"

There was a collective mumble of agreement.

"Then why the fuck are you here?" I wiped my tears before I got up and dragged the stand holding bags attached to the tubes in my body.

"Éponine!"

"Wait!"

"You can't just leave!"

"Nurse! Nurse!"

This was some fucked up shit going on. Who the hell did R think he was? Fucking bastard. And to hell with the rest of them. How can they tell me I can rely on them and then change they're fucking mind? I'm feeling so lost. I just wish I was with you again.

Love Always,

Éponine