CHAPTER 14:
Han Solo's eyeslids started to droop, and he fought his urge to fall asleep. His look-out duty had to last at least another hour. Maybe he shouldn't have taken the late shift just to please Chewie, but he felt as if he had to do something to placate the grumpy Wookie. Had Han gotten a full night's sleep, or at least half a night's sleep, the late shift would have been a breeze. He yawned and then smiled. Last night with the princess was worth a month's loss of sleep.
Just as his smile widened, a small hand wrapped around his eyes. He grabbed the hand and placed a kiss on its palm, "Why aren't you asleep, Sweetheart?"
"Thought you might've wanted some company," Leia moved to stand in front of him.
Han's brow lifted when he scanned her wardrobe. The hood of his parka partially hid her face. Underneath his parka, she wore the shirt of his that she slept in. Han ran his fingers up her thigh, "What color tonight?" He lifted the shirttail with one finger and leaned back in his chair, "Nice. Did I tell you black is your favorite color?"
"I thought you said blue was your favorite color," Leia smirked and handed Han a cup of kaffe.
Han took the cup and favored her with a lop-sided grin, "That was yesterday."
Leia raised her chin and raised an eyebrow, "I wonder what your favorite color will be tomorrow."
Han sipped the kaffe, "You'll know before me." He winked at her.
"You're incorrigible," Leia ruffled his hair.
Han gulped down a few more helpings of kaffe. He definitely didn't want to fall asleep now. He put the cup on the console and swiveled his chair towards her, "Come 'ere. Get comfortable." He patted his lap.
The princess rolled her eyes and then lifted one leg over his lap and settled in. Han wrapped his hands around her waist and pulled her closer to him. He caressed her cheek before pushing the hood off of her head. Han then buried his fingers in her long hair and dragged them through the silky strands until he reached the end. Leia wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. Han smiled when she pulled back and then came at him with several soft gentle kisses upon his lips.
Solo pressed his head against her chest when her attention was drawn elsewhere. He slipped his hands underneath the coat and shirt, her skin warm and reactive to his touch. He pulled her forward and closed his eyes. There was nothing more wonderful than listening to every breath she took, every beat her heart performed. She felt so alive in his arms, and Han wished he could hold her in this position forever.
Han turned his face and kissed her chest before pulling her back so he could see her. There is no forever, just now, just this. And Leia's life, like Luke's, would end all too soon for him even if she lived to be the age of Chewbacca.
Leia's countenance pinched with concern, "What's wrong?"
Han smiled, but his smile didn't reach his eyes, "What could possibly be wrong?"
She leaned back and lowered her head to get a good look at his eyes. There was something there…sadness....fear. Leia understood Han's sorrow, but of what was he afraid?
She leaned against him and wrapped her arms around his neck, "Tell me."
Han momentarily closed his eyes, savoring her warm, steady breath against his skin. He opened his eyes and returned her comforting embrace, "Not right now, kay?"
Leia grimaced, but Han couldn't see her mien. She then sighed, "Okay. Some other time." Her arms loosened just enough so that she could rest her head on his shoulder and bury her face in his neck. Her eyes closed as his fear crept into her blood.
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Princess Leia scurried around the galley as she attempted to cook a decent meal. She wanted to surprise Han and Chewbacca, but things weren't going as well as planned. For once, she was grateful to have Threepio and Artoo assisting her or else the majority of her entre would have burned or would have been inedible. She wiped her hands on her sweat pants and surveyed the galley. Leia pursed her lips; it seemed that Threepio and Artoo were doing most of the cooking. Well, Leia knew how to make a wicked frijiayto so at least she could contribute something.
"Your Highness?" Threepio stood upright. "It looks as if the nerf stew is ready."
The princess grinned like a giddy schoolgirl and pulled it out of the cooker. She stirred it with a large spoon, grimacing at the smell and shook her head to shake the stench out of her nose. Leia detested nerf stew, but it was Chewie's favorite. She didn't know whether or not if Chewie knew she was the one who messed up the hyperdrive (however, it wouldn't have been a problem if it was properly repaired before this trip), but she wanted to soften him up if he ever found out.
For Han, Leia prepared—with the immense help of the droids—Corellian cheese and tuber pancakes. Threepio told her how to mix the sugar, vaxen honey, and malassis that would sweeten the salty taste of the pancakes. When she licked the sticky substance stuck on her fingers, it tasted like heaven. Real food was so much better than rations.
The girl then, with great care, placed the various plates and drinks on two trays. Leia had the last shift of surveillance duty, the one that followed Han's, and she chased Han away so he could get some sleep. Chewie's turn followed hers. Leia knew Han would head straight to the cockpit when he awoke. He planned on helping Chewie with a few minor repairs during Chewie's shift. Leia guessed those things weren't so minor, but she figured she was better off not knowing what those things were.
Princess Leia balanced one tray between her hands and took small steady steps. She followed C-3P0 who was much better at carrying trays. Protocol droids were often used as servers at political functions. It was one way to get the dirt on your enemies. Threepio also had an advantage over her. His stiff fingers were equipped with magnets that allowed him to balance a tray in one hand. All her proper etiquette training didn't prepare her for such delicate tasks. Threepio was practically three meters before her. Leia wanted to call out to him to slow down, but she didn't want to ruin Han's and Chewie's surprise.
The corridor to the cockpit from the galley was long and straight for the most part. Although they were considerably a good distance from the cockpit, this particular corridor carried conversations through its rounded walls if the cockpit door was open. Princess Leia gave Threepio specific orders to not speak a word even when spoken to. And that this ordered stood until she personally released him from it. When Artoo heard that order, he twittered and twattered and rolled around in circles.
Leia's heart beats created a cadence of other days, a rhythm of light-heartedness. She smiled to herself but attempted to bite the smile back. Her footfalls were inaudible, but Threepio's clunky steps seemed to echo down the corridor. Perhaps she should have implored Artoo for this job. He could have carried the tray and wheel himself down the corridor without a sound. Some forethought would have been good, she chided herself. However, her enthusiasm made forethought impossible at the moment.
As the princess and the protocol droid reached the sharp turn in the corridor that connected the cockpit to the rest of the ship, Chewie's and Han's voices floated toward them.
"How do ya' know she did it?"
Leia came to an abrupt start. She hissed, "Threepio, stop."
Threepio turned around and prepared himself to ask why, but then he remembered her stern order of strict silence under all circumstances.
"Yeah, well I suppose there weren't too many people to pick from."
The princess' heart rate sped up as she imagined how angry at her the Wookie would be.
"Of course I was pissed off," Han admitted, and Leia's enthusiasm began to wane.
"She went on and on about how things were goin' too fast and she wanted it to stop. Like shuttin' down the hyperdrive would stop time," Han chuckled. Chewie joined in. "I don't know. I think she's finally lost it. I guess she had to break sometime." Chewie grigrowled and Han sounded irritated, "No, I did not take an advantage of her. I comforted her. That's all."
Leia felt as if she had been kicked in the stomach. The tray in her hands clattered to the floor and her face blanched. Threepio glanced down at the mess on the ground and then up at the princess. But Leia had already fled down the corridor. Threepio wanted to call after her but disobeying her would be disrespecting her.
Han twisted his head over his shoulder, "Whaddya think those droids broke now?" He turned his attention back to his best friend. "Anyhow, what was I tellin' ya'?"
Chewie sighed and reminded him. "Oh, yeah," Han shook his head and a small intimate smile played on his lips. "When she jumped over your chair and kissed me, I understood exactly what she meant and why she did it. Leia, the sweet thing, she's so right.
Chewie interrupted with a sarcastic gruff. Han rolled his eyes, "Yeah, but I can't be right all the time. Most of the time. Not all of the time."
He glared at the Wookie for a moment, but then his expression relaxed, "She's right about it all. Everything just passes us by, and we just go on worried about stuff that don't matter. We carry on and put work and disagreements and grudges first. And any meaningful thing, person, can be lost before you have a chance to take a breath. We're all too damn busy to notice what's most important in life. And before ya' know it, the thing your cherish most…there isn't enough time"
Chewbacca guruffed and Han's voice softened, "Leia is."
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The princess ran down the corridor, her unshed tears blurring her vision. She didn't know where she was going. She just wanted to get out of there as fast as she could. She wanted as far away from Han as she could get, or at the very least, off of the dilapidated ship. Han thought she was broken, crazy. Maybe that's why he had been treating her so nice and not starting any fights with her. I comforted her. Leia shuddered. She finally admitted that she didn't want him to leave, and what did he do? He patronized her.
I didn't take an advantage of her. I comforted her. Leia felt as if she was going to throw up. He was right. Han didn't take an advantage of her, not in the least. Leia was willing to take things further than Han did. I want to savor every moment I have with you. How could she be so stupid to think that he actually reciprocated her feelings? He was a smuggler and a mercenary. Han's ability to lie was what most likely kept him alive this long. And here Leia thought he was more than just that. She thought she was a better judge of character. She was a senator, after all. She was very adept at reading people. She had to be. So how did she let Han deceive her?
Leia found herself in one of the cargo holds. It was dimly lit and dusty. She stopped, wrapped her arms around herself, and turned her face up to the ceiling. She sucked in a breath, swearing to herself that she wasn't going to cry. But the thought of how Han deceived her, that he'd even intend to deceive her, struck her like lightning. And her humiliation was a casual discussion between Han and his best friend. She guessed that's what best friends do, but she didn't have the luxury of ever having a best friend. Luke, he was her best friend. But now, after being betrayed by Han, Leia couldn't help but doubt her relationships with everyone, even Luke.
Her head dropped and her large glassy eyes fell on a white rectangular box, a box long enough to hold a human. Luke. Leia stared at the box and her doubts about her friendship with Luke faded. But then her only true friend was taken from her by what? Fate, destiny, the Force? Everything seemed so unfair. But life wasn't fair. Wasn't it Han who reminded her of that?
It didn't matter now. Her heart had already begun to die a slow painful death with each breath she took. Leia walked over to the coffin with steady confident steps. Her fingers hovered over the controls that would open the cover of the coffin and reveal her dead friend's body. But Leia's fingers just hovered over the controls. Luke's body was being preserved by cryofrekics which froze his body, almost like carbonite freezing without the carbon block, and protected his body so that a viewing could be held before his final burial. Leia insisted that Luke be preserved though she never intended on holding a viewing of the body, or a funeral at that. And despite the fact that she knew Luke's body wasn't Luke, Leia couldn't bear to let any of him go for as long as possible.
The princess dropped to her knees and rested her hand on the white coffin, certain her fingers were nowhere near the controls so that she wouldn't accidentally activate something that would compromise Luke's preservation. She rested her forehead against the coffin, no longer able to tether her tears. Although Leia felt as if she was crying no tears came. Perhaps she cried out all the tears she had. She closed her eyes. Sharp sliver-size fingers of ice pierced the neurons in her brain and interfered with the natural exchange of chemicals between the synapses. Numbness slid through the nerves in her limbs, but her heart-wrenching sorrow became exaggerated and burned her blood.
"Oh, Luke," she breathed. "Why did you leave me?"
Anger boiled in her stomach, but Leia tamed it as she reminded herself that it was not Luke's choice to leave her.
"I didn't leave. I am in your blood."
Leia's head popped up. She glanced around the cargo hold. That was definitely Luke's voice; she had no doubt about that. Her eyes fell to the entrance of the cargo hold. Threepio had the capacity to imitate voices down to the smallest characteristics. But Threepio wouldn't do that unless ordered, and he hated doing it more than he hated space travel, sand, and uneven terrain. Could he have been ordered? That would be a cruel joke, a joke no one on the ship would find funny.
The girl leaned her head against the cool coffin. Maybe Han was right. Maybe she was broken and crazy.
She exhaled forcefully, "I am so alone without you."
"You're not alone."
The beats of Leia's heart rose as she slowed her respiration. The voice must be in her head. She was having a conversation with herself. That had to be it.
But she did not believe that. The voice was outside of her head; she could not deny that. It sounded as if it came across from her, from the other side of the coffin. Leia's eyes focused there.
"Luke?" she whispered.
"Don't give up on anyone. Don't give in."
"To what? I don't understand."
The bodiless voice didn't elaborate but expelled a sorrowful sigh, "Remember that he did it out of love for us. He tried to protect us. Keep your mind open and free of anger."
"You're not making sense."
But Leia was only met with silence, and though she waited for at least a minute, she knew that was all she would get. Leia slumped against the side of the coffin as she tried to decipher Luke's words. If that was Luke. If that conversation wasn't a dream. If she wasn't broken. Leia wrapped her arms around her thighs and rested her head on her knees. She had no doubt in her heart that Luke spoke to her, though she didn't know how that was possible.
Would those have been Luke's last words to her if they had the chance to speak before his death? She chewed the inside of her cheek. No, Luke sounded so much calmer, older than he did when he was alive. He sounded at peace. And for a moment, she wished she had his peace.
But that wasn't her destiny, or fate, or will of the Force.
He did it out of love for us. Was Luke speaking of Han? She was certain he wasn't. Luke spoke of this mystery person in the past tense. Han was the present, not the past. And Han was still protecting her, even if it was hurting her. No, when Luke instructed her to not give up on anyone, he was most definitely referring to Han. But this person who did something out of love for Luke and her was someone other than Han.
Don't give in. Leia did not know what she wasn't supposed to give in to nor why Luke warned her of to let go of her anger. She definitely had a lot of anger. Leia bit her lip. Maybe Luke desired her to let go of her pain and the anger she felt over Han's pain which should could not and did not know how to squelch.
I'm in your blood. I'm in your blood. What a strange thing for Luke to say. Leia sighed. She raised her head. "I don't understand what you mean!" she shouted, her voice bouncing off the metal haul.
But she got no answer from her beloved late friend. Leia let go of her thighs and stretched her legs out in front of her. Her hands felt funny, but she figured that they were tired from holding the tight position she sat in. She glanced down at her hands and frowned. A web of thick red lines covered her hands. Leia realized that these red lines were her veins and that the redness must have been her blood. Her brow furrowed as she rotated her hands and scrutinized the patterns. I'm in your blood.
"Pardon me, Your Highness," Threepio called from the entrance of the cargo hold.
Leia looked up. It took her a few seconds to figure out who the golden droid was.
"I only meant to check to see if you were all right," Threepio took hesitant steps toward the princess. "After you dropped the tray and retreated, I…well, I feared that you might have malfunctioned, if humans malfunction."
"You can say that I did, I suppose," Leia admitted freely. "But I'm fine now."
"Well, that is good news," the droid responded, though he didn't sound confident with his answer. He continued on, "Artoo cleaned up the mess when you dropped the tray."
Leia nodded, "Thank you, Threepio." She climbed to her knees, "You two think of everything."
"Thank you for the compliment, Your Highness, but I do not think that is very accurate."
"Accurate enough."
"Would you like me to get Captain Solo or Chewbacca?"
"No, please," Leia's eyes finally focused on the golden droid.
Threepio bowed his head, "As you wish." He walked over to her side and glanced at the coffin. He knew Captain Solo would not like that the princess was here because it seemed to upset her so, and the captain of the ship turned out to be right from Threepio's observations.
"Would you allow me to assist you?"
Leia favored him a small smile, "I would appreciate that."
Threepio bent over and offered a bent arm. He tried to stretch his arm out as far as he could, but his Maker limited much of his ability. Leia wrapped her arm around his metal one, and together, they pulled her to her feet.
"If you don't mind my saying so, Your Highness," Threepio decided that his boldness would not be offensive in her state, "your hands do not look right for an Alderaanian human, or any human at that."
Leia held up them up and examined the back of her hands again, "I think you're right."
"I think we should seek assistance from Captain Solo or Chewbacca. Perhaps either one of them will be able to repair the malfunction in your hands."
"I don't know…"
"Please, Your Highness," worry seeped into his high-pitched voice, "I cannot help you with medical issues and neither can Artoo."
Leia's lips quirked up. She couldn't believe that she was confiding in a droid, Threepio at that. But who else does she have to talk to?
"Captain Solo thinks I'm…broken."
"That's ridiculous. You look in one piece, if you don't mind my saying so."
Leia scowled, "When he said I am broken, he meant that I am crazy."
"Oh. I see. I'm not qualified to deem you as crazy or not. However, I do not think Captain Solo would every say you are crazy. He is very fond of you."
Leia's eyes narrowed on the droid, "You were standing right next to me when he told Chewie what he thought about me. Don't tell me that you didn't hear their conversation."
"Of course I did. I was standing right next to you."
Leia rolled her eyes as she tried to suppress her impatience, "I just said that."
Threepio's head tilted to the right, "Yes, you are correct. However, after you left, Your Highness, I listened to the rest of the conversation. I know I shouldn't have, but you told me not to speak and I did not know what to do. Artoo finally came searching for me. He took my tray, cleaned up the tray you spilled, and suggested I go look for you. I hope you don't mind me disobeying your orders, Your Highness. I know Artoo isn't the most obedient, but sometimes his disobedience works in everyone's favor."
"Well, I'm glad you were the one to find me," Leia admitted as she started toward the cargo hold entrance.
"Thank you, Your Highness," Threepio beamed. "I am honored."
Leia rubbed her hands as she and Threepio casually walked through the corridors of the Falcon. "I'm afraid to ask, Threepio," Leia started but wondered if she was crossing a line. Chewie and Han thought they were having a private conversation, a conversation she was never meant to hear. However, protocol droids are used for such eavesdropping. She's used that technique many times at diplomatic functions. But Chewie and Han were her friends.
"Would you like me to tell you the part of the conversation that you missed?" Threepio offered.
Leia closed her teeth over her bottom lip, "I don't know."
"If I might ask," the droid hesitated for a moment then pressed on, "did something Captain Solo and Chewbacca say upset you, Your Highness. Is that why you fled?"
Leia cringed, "You're very observant."
"Thank you, Your Highness. I do pride myself on keeping vigilance of my surroundings."
"Okay," Leia inhaled in an attempt to dissolver her guilt. "Can you tell me the part of the conversation I missed?"
"Of course, Your Highness. It would be my pleasure." Threepio tilted his golden orbs to the ceiling.
Leia wasn't so certain she'd find any pleasure, but she'd rather know than remain ignorant and let Han play her for a fool.
"Captain Solo said that once you kissed him, he understood your words. He said that you were right."
"Right?"
"Yes, Captain Solo told Chewbacca that you were right about how time passes too quickly and that humans tend to focus on unimportant matters such as work, disagreements, and grudges and miss the important things in life."
The princess stopped and leaned against the bulkhead, "He doesn't think I'm crazy."
"Not in the least, Your Highness," Threepio stated matter-of-factly. "In fact, I believe that Captain Solo referred to you as the thing he cherished most."
Leia's large brown eyes snapped up to the droid's gold orbs, and her mouth formed the smallest of 'o's.
"Are you feeling well, Your Highness?"
"Captain Solo really said that?" she whispered, afraid that she heard Threepio wrong.
"I would never deceive you," Threepio tilted his head to the left. "Those were Captain Solo's words."
"Thank you, Threepio," Leia nodded. "I'll be fine on my own. Why don't you go help Artoo clean up the mess in the galley?"
"As you wish."
Leia fought the weakness in her knees as she repeated Threepio's account of the private conversation between her friends over and over. Did Han truly cherish her, consider her important?
You're not alone. Luke's words echoed through her head, drowning out the replay of Chewie's and Han's conversation. I'm in your blood. Leia looked at the back of her hands again. The thick web-like marks were still there. Staring at her hands, she continued down the corridor in the direction of Han's cabin. She still wore her pajama shirt and sweatpants under Han's parka, but it felt as if the chill that plagued her earlier in the week was returning. A hot shower sounded inviting.
"Hey, Your Worship," Han smiled when she looked up at him. "Where've you been?"
Leia shook her head, "Nowhere."
"I wanna show you somethin'," he grabbed her hand and dragged her to the cockpit. Leia cringed as the hand he held throbbed in pain despite the fact his grip wasn't in the least tight.
"Look!"
The princess gazed out the canopy at a green and white ball the size of a large marble.
"We should reach Rutan in a day and a half," Han grinned from ear to ear.
"That's good news," Leia replied without much feeling.
Han looked at her and frowned. He noticed how she held her hands to her chest. He took a hold of them, "What's this?"
"I don't know."
He pressed his lips together. Her skin was cool. Han touched her cheek and noticed this drop in temperature wasn't just in her hands. Her lips were also pale, and his body began to slip into panic mode. He truly thought the Hoth chill finally left her.
But before he could say anything, Leia grabbed his arms and placed a kiss on his cheek, "I'm going to take a hot shower. That should warm me up."
Han nodded and watched her walk away until she was completely out of sight.