-Home-

Ryder didn't know how else to describe the weeks after Regionals but lonely. The worst was he saw them, between classes, at lunch, but he just waved with a small smile and kept walking. He ignored the hurt expressions on their faces; they knew he had other things to worry about. If he remained MVP in basketball, he was one step closer to a scholarship when he graduated; he wouldn't be graduating if he wasn't studying twice as hard, and he'd figured out that oral exams worked best for him. Not every teacher could do it for him every time, but when he tested himself using both text and verbal, he got better results.

Ryder passed by Mr. Shue and… Mrs. Shue in the hall. They'd gotten married right after Regionals in the choir room. He ached when he realized he'd missed that moment, but he'd come to Mr. Shue's office the next day with a wrapped present.

"It's not much, but I couldn't not get you two a wedding gift," Ryder had said as he placed it on the desk.

"It's fine, Ryder, we still have your gift from the first wedding." Will had somehow made him smile, and he'd mercifully not mentioned him leaving the glee club. That made it hurt more.

Finn was the only one Ryder saw nearly everyday and actually spoke to. They'd meet on the patio during lunch and quiz each other, Finn's nose buried in a Psychology textbook, while Ryder sorted through index cards. Those were peaceful times. Finn never pressured him to come back to the glee club, and though he no doubt knew about his troubles with Jake, he didn't ask about it. It was usually casual, but Finn could always keep him engaged.

"Your dad came by the shop yesterday," Finn said, his eyes on a page outlining psychosis. Ryder peeked up at him.

"For the Caddy?"

"He needed break fluid. He had something interesting in his trunk." A small smile appeared on his face. "I'm guessing he's got something planned for the past six A's you've gotten on your tests."

"What was it?"

"Can't say, but it involved A/V cords and a sound system."

"No way, that's awesome!"

And so they're conversations went. Finn was right; Ryder came home to find a new TV on his bed, and speakers set into his dresser. He'd found his dad eating ice cream in the kitchen and threw his arms around him.

"Thanks, Dad," he said.

"Not bad for a knock-off, thought you deserved a little something for how hard you've been working." Mr. Lynn gestured to the ice cream, and Ryder pulled out another bowl. Unlike Finn, his dad didn't skirt around anything.

"You seen Jake since you left the glee club?" Mr. Lynn asked as he poured chocolate syrup into Ryder's bowl.

"No… I don't really talk to anyone from the glee club that much."

"It sounded like you two had something special. I'm sorry to hear about that." Mr. Lynn sat at the kitchen block.

"I just don't have room for the distractions. Can't have my grades slipping." Ryder stared into his bowl. He already felt guilty enough, seeing their dejected faces. Marley's was piercing, imploring almost, and she'd sat with him and Finn a few times when she could. Jake… Jake didn't look at him. At all. It left a cold pit in his stomach, when he wanted to touch him so bad, cross the distance between them in the halls and feel his skin and hear his laugh, see that perfect smile. He didn't realize his father was studying his face in concern.

"Depriving yourself of something you want is more of a distraction than having it." Mr. Lynn licked his bowl clean and set it on the counter; ice cream was his personal indulgence, his go-to comfort food after work. "Unless you plan on joining a convent. No distractions there."

"I don't think I could ever go that far," said Ryder. "And the tiny font in most Bibles is murder on my dyslexia."

"I don't know, Monsignor Ryder Lynn has a nice ring to it. Bishop Lynn, Cardinal Lynn…" Mr. Lynn sighed. "Sorry about our Costa Rica trip."

"I'm just happy we're still going," Ryder said. "It'd be a nice change of setting."

"Consider it a start-of-summer event. And there's always room for a friend, if you wanted to invite someone."

"I'm not inviting Jake."

"You have other friends. That Marley is nice, especially after all that happened."

"I couldn't."

"What about Finn? He fixed up my brakes, you know. He's a cool guy."

"Dad, what are you trying to say?"

Mr. Lynn knitted his fingers together. "I just want you to be happy. Let yourself have fun."

Ryder stared into his mountains of ice cream, watching the rivers of chocolate pool into the valleys. He couldn't say his dad was wrong; he'd been understanding about his situation from the beginning. He had a lot to be grateful for, new TV and Costa Rica trip aside, but his father's words hit him hard. He did feel deprived, hollow, and he'd done this to himself. He'd left behind the first people he'd ever met who exceeded all of his expectations and actually believed in him. He wouldn't have known about his dyslexia if it wasn't for Finn and Jake—ha—and he'd made amazing memories with them. He'd made a home.

Jake wasn't sure how long he could take it. Whenever he thought he saw that dimpled chin, he turned away, hiding all the hurt and want, wearing his mask of complete indifference. Marley had nagged at him, chastising him for being, as she put it, a "cold-hearted son-of-a-bitch". They'd made up, mostly, but getting back together wasn't going to happen.

"I think I just need to be single for a while," Marley had said as she applied a light coating of Ravish Me Red lipstick, her gaze on the mirror in her locker. "It's not my name you scream out during sex. I finally made that connection with Riley, by the way."

He remembered cringing when she said that. "I'm not asking to get back with you," Jake had said. "I just want to be cool, again. I'm out on my own, Marley, and I don't know how I'm supposed to do this."

"We both know what you really want," Marley had said. "Ryder, right? Just go up to him and, I don't know, do whatever it is guys that like guys do."

"What, ask him out?" Jake bit his lip, taken by the thought. "I can't. I've made it clear how I feel about him. If he hasn't talked to me in weeks, then I already know his answer."

"Ryder's cautious with this stuff," Marley had said. "Especially after the Katie incident, which you participated in."

"To stop it from happening!"

"He's afraid of rejection and failure, like anybody." Marley wiped at the corner of her mouth. "It took me a while to get over it, but I do think you two need to work this out. Even if you don't come out as… boyfriends? … you could at least be friends."

"I'm not putting myself through that again," he'd said. "if he wants to run away, let him." And so he staid resolute. Even when it hurt.

It occurred to Jake that Marley was joining Finn and Ryder for lunch for a reason; the Ravish Me Red kind of gave things away, and the bright smiles she shone at Finn. He wondered how long that had been developing, or if anyone else had noticed; Finn didn't seem to. That, or he was just very polite.

Winning Nationals was the perfect way to top off the year. L.A. was amazing, even without his brother there. He'd looked into the audience after their performance, hoping to see that one face, but of course Ryder couldn't come.

The seniors got crazier as graduation approached, and they wore off their post-Nationals high pretty quickly, especially Tina, who'd broken into outright sobbing whenever things got quiet. Jake didn't know how to feel. He'd miss Sam's impersonations and Artie's jokes, and Brittany was the only dance partner he'd had that could outdo him on the stage. The school started to feel emptier after exams, and teachers had their students help them clean up the classrooms. Jake walked down a hall, wondering what his life would've been like if he hadn't transferred to McKinley.

Finn was sitting outside on the patio, and Ryder was across from him. They were always there, talking in low voices while studying. Jake watched from afar, wanting to approach. Finn met his glance and frowned, cocking his head to one side like a bird. Jake waved, walking away without a backward glance. He had to stay strong, had to ignore it. "Man up", his dad would say, even though the further he was away from Ryder, the more he felt like a little boy.

"Who are you waving at?" Ryder asked, turning in his seat. He didn't recognize anyone in the sea of students.

"No one." Finn grinned and turned back to highlighting a passage in his textbook. "The seniors are graduating in a week. Mr. Shue had this idea of giving them a farewell party."

"That sounds cool." After a month, Ryder had slowly come to terms with things, enough that he didn't feel too awkward around the New Directions. "Maybe I'll come. I can bring chips."

Finn smiled. "I'm sure they'd like that. They miss you, Ryder."

"Do they really? I mean, I didn't do much when I was there."

"You're selling yourself short. You helped us win Regionals, remember?" Finn poked him in the shoulder. "I haven't pushed you, but with the year ending, maybe you should make the best of things. End on a high note, and not just with your grades."

"Like come back to glee club?"

"Too late for that, but at least stick around long enough to sign a few yearbooks. And maybe tie a few loose strings." He closed his textbook. "Trig is killing me. Wanna take a break and grab a latte?"

"That sounds really good right now." They gathered up their stuff and walked back inside. They still had twenty more minutes before Ryder had to go back to class, and Finn had his Trig exam at four. Finn led Ryder through a twist of halls, doubling back twice before stopping by the choir room. Ryder passed Finn a suspicious look, but Finn shrugged.

"I just need to grab my keys from Mr. Shue's office," said Finn. "You can wait here, okay?" Ryder nodded, and Finn walked into the choir room. Ryder inched inside after a beat, missing the room so much, glimpsing his favorite seat. No, he couldn't do this. It was too late, anyway. The seniors graduated in a week, and school ended by the end of the month. Ryder turned to leave, bumping into someone coming in. An apology died on his lips, his gaze taking in coppery skin that blazed against a Cheerios uniform and obsidian eyes. Jake stared at him, eyes so wide, Ryder could see his own reflection.

"Jake," Ryder said, trying to calm his breathing.

Jake looked him up and down. "Ryder." His voice was sleep-gruff, his gaze fierce. Ryder couldn't look away. Jake tried to move past him, and they made an awkward tango of side-stepping until they'd traded positions, Jake inside and Ryder in the doorway. Jake grabbed his backpack from behind one of the chairs, as well as his Razor scooter. Ryder watched his movements carefully, finally sighing and approaching him.

"How have you been?" Ryder asked. Jake froze, glancing at him out of the corners of his eyes.

"Are you actually talking to me?" Jake checked his watch. "Must be a full moon tonight. You're suddenly in the mood for me."

"I've never not been in the mood for you," Ryder said. "I just pushed it away because I was afraid of what it would make me do."

"Like what?"

"Like things I could get suspended for." Jake's eyes widened a little at this, but he took control of his mask. "Jake, do you still…?"

"Do I still what?"

Ryder squeezed his eyes shut. "You're not making this easy for me, are you?"

"How can I? You don't even know what you want, so don't expect me to finish all of your sentences." Jake pushed past him to the door.

Ryder froze on the spot. What did he want? "Hold on," Ryder ran after him, catching up to him in the hall outside. Jake looked at him expectantly, but not trusting his own tongue, Ryder ripped open his backpack and dug through his folders. He pulled out two slim slips of paper and held them out.

"The tickets to Rinky Dink's?" Jake asked.

"I want you to go with me this weekend," Ryder said. "Just us two, arcade access all day, unlimited roller-skating, good for two medium pizzas."

"So what is this? We're just going to hang out after everything? Are we even friends, still?"

"No, no we're not." Ryder breathed in slowly, steeling himself. "This is a date. Yep. I'm asking you out." Jake's eyebrows lifted. "Jake Puckerman, will you go out with me?" Jake's eyebrows were having some sort of fit, switching between surprised arches to a furrowed V, then back again. He shook his head in two subtle movements, and Ryder felt all the air leave his lungs. So it was too late. Jake had moved on. Ryder's gaze fell to the floor, where the ache in his vision dulled, and he dropped his hand to his side. Jake caught his wrist mid-fall, lifting it to chest-level and staring intensely at it.

"You're still wearing the bracelet I got you," Jake muttered.

"Of course, it's the best present I've ever gotten." Ryder held his breath. He didn't know what to make of this, but if Jake didn't want to take this anymore, then he'd rather be done with this as soon as possible so he could mourn this dead thing until the ashes were gone with the wind.

"Why now?" Jake asked.

"You're the best man in my life," said Ryder. "You're the only thing I'm sure I want, and I know without a doubt that I want you, I want to be with you, and I at least want a chance." Ryder closed the distance between them, covering Jake's hand over his wrist. "I was so afraid about what anyone else might've thought, or hurting Marley, or how I could like girls and you, but this isn't math, it doesn't need to be figured out, it just needs to be acted upon."

"Ryder…"

"I tried to put up a front, I did. I told myself, 'Ryder, you're not going to hurt anyone, you're going to keep cool, stay in control, stay focused' and the act was so good, I almost fooled myself." Ryder's voice grew quiet. "Except at night. I couldn't keep up the act when I saw you in my dreams. I'd wake up hugging my Pikachu pillow, I wanted you there so bad, and it's only gotten worse."

"Ryder, you don't have to do this."

"And Regionals, wow I was so pathetic, I couldn't keep up with my own plan. Why I volunteered to look for you and Blaine, I don't know, but you were there, all disheveled with your tie hanging around your neck, and you had this dark look in your eyes, I couldn't help it, I tried but—"

Jake shook Ryder. "It's okay! It's okay." It was then that Ryder saw the change in his eyes; the steely darkness in them had faded, exposing the hurt. "If you want to go on a proper date, then okay, I'll go with you."

Ryder felt a weight leave his shoulders. "Really?"

"For the first time, I know that you know what you want." Jake leaned forward and kissed his brow. "So yes. I'll go out with you." He walked backward, releasing Ryder's hand with a sweet smile. Ryder grinned back, his heart thumping; he'd really fooled himself, convinced himself he couldn't feel like this again, yet there he was, grinning like a child in the middle of the hall. Jake turned and walk away, giving Ryder a nice view of him in his Cheerios uniform.

"I have to be the luckiest guy on earth right now," Ryder muttered. He turned around to see Finn leaning against the choir room's door. He spun his keys around his index finger.

"I found my keys," he said, the biggest smirk on his face.

"You did that on purpose," Ryder said.

"Did I? Let's talk about it over coffee, you can tell me all the details." He led the way, and though Ryder wanted to wipe that smirk off his face, he hadn't felt this whole in weeks.

Ryder waited outside Rinky Dink's. It was surprisingly chilly this evening, dropping to fifty before six o'clock. Ryder tugged his sweater around him, a smile crossing his face. The sweater was dark gray and had the words "Sam-I-Am" stitched across the front of it in highlight blue, a parting present from Sam and Blaine. He was glad he'd attended the farewell party, if not to see them one last time before graduation, but to mend what he'd screwed up at Regionals.

"Dude, we're going to live it up in NYC," Sam had said, chip dip on the corner of his lip. "I'm going to take my modeling career to the next level."

"I got into NYADA," Blaine had said; his eyebrow twitched, and it was obvious he wanted to get the dip off Sam's face. "I wanted to tell you about it before."

"Sorry about that," Ryder remembered saying. He'd told them how sorry he felt just abandoning the glee club, but they let it slide with no trouble. Then Blaine somehow moved into the topic he'd obviously been waiting for.

"So I read on someone's blog that they saw someone tweet that someone heard you ask out Jake in the hall Wednesday," Blaine had said. Ryder had peeked around him, spotting Jake and Kitty laughing by the punch bowls with Mr. Shue.

"Wait, is this true?" Sam looked between them, breaking into a smile.

"Yeah," Ryder was pretty sure his face had turned brighter than Blaine's bow tie.

Blaine waved a hand, "And what did he say?"

Ryder cleared his throat. "He said yes."

"Nice!" Sam gave him a high-five.

Blaine held up a hand to Sam. "Wait, is it official? Like, does he know it's a date, or did you ask him out as a friend?"

"I told him I want to go out with him on a proper date, not as friends. Nothing ambiguous."

Blaine slowly grinned before grabbing Ryder's shoulder and shaking him. He looked like he was about to burst, but his voice came out calm. "Congratulations, Ryder. I'm really happy for you."

"You expected anything less from my mini-me?" Sam nudged Blaine, nodded his head toward the piano.

"Oh right." Blaine pulled a wrapped box from under the piano and handed it to Sam, who held it out to Ryder.

"For you," Sam said.

"Aren't I supposed to give you presents for graduating?" Ryder took it anyway. It was light, and when he opened it, he found a hooded sweater.

"It glows in the dark," Sam said.

"Guys… I don't know what to say." Ryder pulled out the sweater and held it over his chest.

"You don't have to say anything," Blaine had said. "We got to see you grow up a little."

"Just don't forget about us," Sam said. "If you're ever in New York, you should totally drop by, as long as you don't mind sharing the couch." Ryder shot forward and hugged them both. He would really miss them. He'd have to take a trip to New York one day.

Ryder blinked back to the present, remembering Blaine's last words of advice: Take your time. He'd been texting him the past few days, extracting as much wisdom as he could get for guy-on-guy action, both platonic and… not platonic.

"Hey, you're early." Jake stepped onto the sidewalk. Ryder hadn't even noticed the car drop him off, he'd been so deep in his daydream. No way he could do that now. Jake was wearing a bright green muscle shirt and black jeans, and while he was usually golden, something about him glowed in the evening light. He smiled at Ryder.

"Well, where do we start?" Jake asked.

Ryder pulled out the tickets. "Roller-skating?"

"Sounds good, though you'll have to teach me."

Ryder thought this had to be a dream. Laser lights blasted over his head, and he was gliding over the floor with an amazing guy, their hands gripped together. Jake would slip every so often, clutching Ryder's shoulder, his hands slipping over his skin. The best part was that there were only old people there, so no one paid them any mind during the couple's skate, and Ryder swirled on his heels and skated backwards, tugging Jake along with him until they were both laughing, and Jake slid into him. He kept them balanced, embraced in a tight hug as they pivoted over the same spot.

They'd consumed two entire pizzas, daring each other to take one more slice. Ryder had hesitated before wiping sauce off Jake's lip with a napkin. He had to keep reminding himself, This is a date, you're allowed to do things on a date, even when he felt the knot in his stomach tighten. Jake's fingers glided over his knuckles as he "reached for another napkin", his sly smile giving everything away. It was okay. It was okay to let himself be happy.

Too bloated with pizza to go back to the skating rink, they'd slunk to the arcade and dueled for high scores on Zombie Slayers 3D. In the black light of the arcade, their clothes were glowing against their skin, and their smiles were like ghosts in the dark. When they tried a hunting simulator, Geese in the Wilds, Jake showed Ryder how to prop under his shoulder, his hands guiding his arms.

"Don't tilt the gun, tilt your head," Jake was saying softly in his ear. "You want your shot straight." His hands fell from Ryder's arms to his waist. Ryder ignored the flutter in his chest and trained his crosshairs on a cartoony goose winging its way across the screen. "Breathe in before you shoot." Ryder inhaled, holding it as he followed the goose, then took the shot.

"Nice," Ryder said, pumping his fist. "You're a good teacher."

"You taught me how to skate, so I taught you how to shoot." Jake rested his chin in the crook of Ryder's shoulders, rocking with him.

"Jake," Ryder started as he lowered the plastic gun. He turned his head and planted a kiss on his forehead, lingering for a few seconds to savor the feeling.

"On the first date, Ryder?" Jake smirked and pressed a kiss under his jaw. Ryder could feel him smiling against his skin. "This feels right."

"Does it?"

Jake nodded. "I've kissed you so much in my dreams, this just feels natural."

"You were serious about those dreams?" Ryder turned in his arms, facing them so they were chest to chest.

"Oh yeah," Jake nodded, his expression grim. "I lost count after the twentieth. I woke up on the bus one time making out with my backpack."

Ryder chuckled and wrapped his arms around Jake's neck. "Was I any good?"

A gleam entered Jake's eyes, and his hands slid under Ryder's sweater, massaging the bare skin above his hips. "Let's find out." He didn't know if it was Jake's words or the feel of his fingers on his skin that did it, but a chill ran up Ryder's spine and tingled in his ears, and before he knew it, he was leaning against the arcade machine, pulling Jake into him as he sought out his lips. The kiss was hard, rough at first in the black light, then Jake planted both feet outside of Ryder's and the kiss grew gentle. His hands wrapped around and around his waist as he pressed, hot and sweet, into his mouth, and god he was gentle, like he knew Ryder's fear, like he didn't want to scare him away, and when he pulled back, eyes wide and watching, Ryder just stared back. He licked at his lips before teasing a smile, and he watched the tension leave Jake's face, felt it in the hands on his waist.

They kissed again.

And again.

Laughing like fools when they bumped noses because this was different, but not better or worse, just different, and it was right, right in that Ryder's hand curved against Jake's cheek, the other pressed between his shoulder blades, right in the way Jake nipped at Ryder's lower lip, playful at first before kissing shadows under his jaw, right in how he held his waist, the way one would a teacup or a dancer in a lift, right in that this felt simultaneously like an exhalation and an exploration, a discovery and an intimate confession. And when they hugged and rocked by the pinball machine, Pac-Man in the background and the AC on high, they whispered into each other's necks the things they'd been dying to say. When Ryder revealed he'd kept that paper Jake wrote about how he felt, but couldn't read his sloppy handwriting, Jake had snickered and told him, having memorized it. They traded thoughts back and forth.

"I love how your nose crinkles when you laugh," Ryder said, his head resting on Jake's shoulder. He could feel Jake smiling.

"I love how you're in your own world when you're dancing," Jake said. Ryder almost laughed; Jake knew he was a horrible dancer, despite his attempts at teaching him better.

"I love the way you turn your body into a paintbrush," Ryder whispered, "you make dancing look like something elemental." Jake's arms tensed around him, and he planted a kiss behind Ryder's ear.

"I love the way you make me feel like a man," he said, his voice low, "like I'm worth more than my reputation, than what I'm expected to be." He pulled back to look Ryder in the eye. "You knew that, right? You're the only one who sees right through me." He saw the unspoken question in Ryder's eyes: What about Marley? "Not even her. I feel like I'm wearing the perfect shoe size with you. Does that make sense?"

"It makes perfect sense," Ryder said, his face flushed red. He kissed him lightly on the lips. "You make me feel at home, Jake."

Jake grinned. "Wait, does this make me your boyfriend?"

"Are you asking to be?"

Jake nodded and traed his fingers over Ryder's brow. "Will you be mine, Ryder?" Ryder took his hand and kissed his knuckles.

"Yes."

The End.

It feels really good to finish something, especially on a high note. Cookies to those who bothered with this story for a whole year, even with the newbies leaving the show (oh yeah, I took some liberties there). Thank you, all of you.

—Blackbyrd

P.S. I wrote the kiss scene while listening to Russian Red's rendition of "Love Me Tender" on repeat. Best decision ever.