T'was the night before Christmas and all through the lair…
Envy swore if he was served one more matzo ball he was going to shove it where Rudolph's nose didn't shine.
Enemies had gathered but joy was in the air.
"Nice Santa hat."
"Bite me, Elric."
The snacks were laid out on the table with care…
"Hey! It was a compliment!"
"Al, go away before I kick your shiny metal-"
While Gluttony sat in a corner under Lust's watchful glare.
"Alright I'll leave!" Alphonse said quietly but exclaimed louder. "Y'big Grinch!"
Envy rolled his eyes as the suit of armor vanished in the crowd. He sighed and scanned the throng of people who had been invited to the little holiday party the Master surprised everyone with.
Wrath was nestled all snug in his bed…
Everyone they knew had been sent dainty little invites the Master herself created by hand. By the time she had the menu planned out two days later, thanks to some strange miracle, nearly each person RSVP'ed back.
Bound and gagged thanks to his hothead
It was bad enough people like Mustang and Havoc, both taking turns parking themselves under the mistletoe, were there. But Armstrong was over with the Curtis couple comparing the size of their stockings!
Sloth in some elfish wear and Pride in a suit.
And the costumes! The Master made them all wear costumes. The only exception, Pride since being the Führer required he be dignified and Wrath who ripped his outfit into tiny shreds then set them on fire.
Envy in a hat that he wished to execute.
Oh how the homunculi wanted to do the same. The only thing going for him was there was only one Elric at the party. Edward had a tiny growth spurt but it was enough for him to require visiting his automail mechanic over the holidays.
When all of a sudden there came a loud tap
Envy looked over at the door where there seemed to be a bit of a scene. Someone had knocked on the door, and like a good hostess, The Master went to answer it.
To the door the Master went in her green wrap.
Others from the party flocked toward the door obviously curious as to who the late comer was. Even Alphonse went to see, deftly avoiding bruising anyone with his unyielding metallic body.
She opened the door, gusts of snow came inside
The party seemed to cease at the arrival of the mysterious guest that the Master was animatedly speaking with. Thanks to the utter size of their lair and the acoustics of the ballroom, all Envy really could hear was whispers from the other guests.
Then two stepped forward to celebrate this yuletide.
At first he couldn't tell who had arrived, mostly due to Alphonse following alongside of the newcomer. His sheer bulk hide even the Master from sight, who chatted gleefully. Not that it was hard, the Master's current body was petite as they came without being considered dwarfish.
The lamp on the table by the new fallen snow
"I can't believe you made it!" The Master's voice rang out.
"I can't believe I got talked into coming." an all too familiar voice replied.
"Oh no…" Envy muttered recognizing the identity of the newly arrived guest.
Gave luster of mid-day to objects of woe.
Edward Elric had made it back from Resembool in time to see his greatest enemies play hostess or dress like Christmas-y morons. Upon spotting Gluttony in a Santa costume sans a beard, he burst into uncontrollable laughter.
And what to Envy's wondering eyes should appear?
Alphonse turned to see what got his brother so worked up and Envy spied the final surprise guest to arrive at the party. The blood drained from Envy's face and his jaw dropped in shock.
Why Edward Elric and his father so dear!
Envy was cold, so very cold. What was he doing here? Ed and Al's father, his father, Hohenheim Elric had appeared before them all like some freakish Christmas spirit.
She rushed them inside with a smile and a wink
The Master of the homunculi was enjoying this! Her former lover had heard about her little holiday gathering for everyone and decided to tag along. To her it didn't matter that two centuries had passed or he obviously didn't love her the way she loved him. For now she'd be a good hostess, but maybe later she could discuss a private interlude between them.
Vanishing into the crowd before an eye could blink.
"Hey, glad you could make it. I see you know our hostess."
"Thank you. Yes, her and I go way back." Hohenheim replied politely.
More rapid than eagles Envy's heart did inflame,
There was more friendly chats like the one before. Even a few between Edward and Hohenheim despite the fact the son wanted his father's head on a platter. It was Christmas! You don't do such things on the most wonderful time of year. But it didn't matter to Envy.
He thought "I'll murder my father then my brother I'll maim."
"Nice hat." Ed snickered appearing at his side.
"Bite me, Elric." Envy snapped. He really was tempted to maim the alchemist more so than he already was.
"Where's your holiday spirit?"
"I don't know Ed, where's your right arm?"
Edward left calling the homunculus something that might have gotten his mouth washed out had his father heard him. Then again, Envy reasoned, he somewhat fell under the definition.
Envy would wait patiently, he could wait all day
He stayed on the couch watching his father mingle trailed by his youngest son. Alphonse introduced his teacher and her husband to Hohenheim and then got involved with the stocking discussion. When a bookish looking girl passed him a cup of spiked egg nog before dashing away giggling, Envy figured being stuck in a stupid holiday hat surrounded by people he knew wasn't such a bad way to spend his holiday.
For his father to notice him and wander his way.
Especially if they were drunk. He couldn't wait until Mustang got hammered. Rumor was he was hilarious when he got drunk. Of course his right hand man, Hawkeye was an intriguing prospect. Envy wondered if she'd be a mean drunk. He could already picture the woman pulling her sidearm and spraying the room with bullets. It'd make his day.
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
Then at least he wouldn't keep getting comments about his hat. He picked that one out himself! It was a sight better than the pointy green little elf hat with its gaudy bells and red glitter. He took a swig of egg nog, savoring the burn of the rum on his tongue.
So did the father see his son and gave a smile so wry.
Envy noticed his father spotted him sitting on the couch. He rolled his eyes and smirked, waving the white puff at the end of his hat at him. Hohenheim chuckled and then turned his attention back to the conversation about which was better: figgy pudding or sugar plums.
"He's dressed kinda gay, but really cute.
If anyone really knew Hohenheim, they would have been able to detect the moment he stopped really paying attention to the talk around him. They would have noticed most of his mind was on the antisocial older teen with long dark hair and wearing a goofy Santa hat.
No one'll say so in fear of a lawsuit."
Hohenheim thought his eldest son looked cute dressed up the way he was. Glancing around the room he could pick out most of the other homunculi by the costumes their Master forced onto them. The voluminous young woman dressed as a sexy Mrs. Claus was guarding the food from a fat Santa without a beard. He spotted the very image of his wife dressed as a elf, something he'd be sure to discuss with his younger sons after the festivities.
To Envy's side Hohenheim went
The first moment he could, the famed alchemist excused himself and made his way toward the son he cruelly abandoned. He'd waited for this moment since the instant he learned of Dante's party. Hohenheim knew she'd order the homunculi to be on their best behavior… or else. So this party was the perfect opportunity he had waited centuries for. On the train ride over, he confessed everything to Edward, who was reasonably shocked and had expressed himself quite explosively. Afterwards they agreed to Edward being the one to break the news to his brother while Hohenheim spoke to Envy.
And sat beside him with a sigh of content.
"Nice hat." Hohenheim said pleasantly as Ed pulled Alphonse aside.
"Bite me, Elric." Envy growled and his father laughed.
"It's really a nice hat. Your mother pick it out?"
"Unless you want to be beaten within an inch of your life," the homunculi snarled. "I'd advise you to get up and chat with someone else."
Hohenheim sighed and scratched the back of his neck, "I came to see you."
"You actually expect me to believe that?"
"I had hoped." his father said with another resigned sigh. "Maybe some Christmas miracle would occur and you, I, Edward and Alphonse could spend the holidays together as a family."
"They don't even know who I am" Envy exclaimed right before from the entryway there came a loud scream.
"He's what?"
"Al, keep it down!" Ed exclaimed.
The party was quiet but there came no other interruptions from the Elric family, so the guests resumed chatting and helped themselves to the egg nog. All of a sudden, Envy laughed.
"I can't believe you told him." he said shaking his head incredulously.
"Edward's old enough to know and understand… if that nice elf in the corner is any indication."
"How'd you do it? No wait I can guess." he replied with a snicker. "Hey Ed, Merry Christmas you have a nonhuman half brother… and it's Envy."
"Not quite." Hohenheim responded with a smile. "I simply informed him he had a brother and when he wouldn't stop screaming long enough for me to explain why he wasn't told before, I let your name slip."
"He shut up didn't he."
"Not really." his father remarked with a shrug. "It just gave him a reason to punch me."
"You decked our Dad?" Alphonse's voice rang out again. "Brother!"
"He deserved it!" Ed argued.
"You really did deserve it." Envy told Hohenheim. He turned toward him and held up four fingers inches from the man's face. "Four hundred years, no cards, no notes, not even a how y'doing."
The homunculi began to unload centuries of emotional baggage he kept bottled up inside of his lithe frame.
"You give me life, cuse me out, abandon me without a care then come back later for some nookie with the Master and you don't even bother to say hi."
"I didn't realize you knew I ran into your mother."
"She advertised!" Envy shouted drawing attention to himself. "You know how weird it is to know your mother is getting some and talking to you about it? Trust me: it's pretty freakin' weird."
Hohenheim laughed, "I just bet."
"And then come to find out, you made yourself another little family with, not one son, but two! Two happy healthy sons with the absolute perfect wife! She cooks, cleans, makes freakin' cookies."
"I miss Trisha's cooking."
"Well too bad, she's dead!"
Envy's shouting was beginning to visibly disturb the party. Dante made a motion to Envy to behave but he ignored her in favor of continuing his rant.
"You think just because I'm not human I don't have feelings?" he screamed. His father looked around the room bemused, noting everyone was beginning to stare before turning his attention back to his fuming son.
"We're not empty little dolls you can cast aside, Father."
Hohenheim nodded.
"And we're certainly not a toy you can come back later to play with when you feel like it!" Envy shouted as his brothers came in to see what all the shouting was about.
Dante glanced around the lair, her the gears in her mind moving. She refused to have her quaint and pleasing holiday gathering be ruined by the homunculus of her highly impulsive son. She found salvation at the snack table. Ever the graceful woman, Dante sauntered over, snatching a tray of sugar cookies as she turned and floated over to the couch.
"Would you like a cookie?" she said demurely cutting off Envy's latest rant. Her son growled as his father smiled at her and seemingly ignoring Envy completely, took a sugary reindeer from the top.
"Thank you." Hohenheim told her and she floated off to offer the tray's contents to the rest of her guests.
"What the he-" Envy got out before quicker than he could react, his father jammed the cookie in his mouth.
In the entry way, the Elric brothers choked back a few things themselves, namely laughter at their brother's expense. Hohenheim smiled sweetly as Envy attempted to choke the cookie down.
"I admit I made a mistake." he told him as the crowd turned their attention from them and back to where Dante felt it belonged.
"It was a huge mistake, one I'm trying to settle right now if you'd let me."
"Wh' foud I?" Envy demanded. His father patted him on the head with a fatherly smile.
"Don't talk with your mouth full."
Envy flipped him the bird and his father laughed.
"Your mother mentioned how much of a smart aleck you were." Hohenheim told Envy as he finally managed to swallow the cookie.
"Don't think that's the word she used." his son remarked with a smirk.
"It wasn't."
Envy snorted and sipped his egg nog. It was then that his father pulled a small package from his coat pocket and held it out to him. The homunculi looked at package with its cork screw red and green bow and candy cane wrapping paper and then took a nip from his glass.
"Mine?"
"Of course." his father replied. Envy looked down at the present, then at Hohenheim and back at the contents of his cup.
"You don't want to see what is inside?"
"I'm waiting for you to take it back."
Hohenheim set the present down on Envy's leg and rose to his feet.
"The only reason I ever spent time with Dante was because of you." Hohenheim sighed. "I was too shamed by my actions to meet you face to face but I never forgot about you. Every time her and I met, I would ask about you."
"But she wouldn't tell me anything unless she received something in return." he revealed to his son.
"So what happened? You haven't seen her in two hundred years."
"She reneged on the bargain." Hohenheim gave Envy a smirk eerily similar to the homunculi's. "No news, no nookie."
Hohenheim began to walk away, melting into the crowd but before he could fully vanish Envy called out to him.
"Father…" His father turned back to him and smiled.
"There's this nice café in West City, makes the best chocolate parfaits in Amestris. You ought to go to it some time."
After their talk, the party was grand
Envy returned his father's grin, "Sounds like fun."
Thirty minutes later, nearly everyone in the lair was drunk or watching over those who partook of one too many holiday spirits. Sig Curtis and Alex Armstrong began arm wrestling one another and an inebriated Izumi Curtis later exclaimed she'd take on the winner. Edward was passed out on the floor with a blanket draped over him next to his brother. Greed had arrived fashionably late with his chimeras and all of them were playing poker with Alphonse.
Envy learned the name of the bookish girl was Sheska and she was a much more entertaining person than a drunk Mustang. He learned that both of them had a love for books and made arrangements to get together some time after the New Year. To ensure Miss Sheska would remember their "date", Envy gave her his hat with a reminder and his phone number inside.
Soon everyone left to enter dreamland.
All too soon, the party ended and everyone began staggering toward the door. Sloth and Pride led members of the military single file to the elevator then toward their homes or dorm room. Lust called cabs for civilians while Dante made arrangements for Greed and his group to sleep over. Envy was left in charge of driving his new friend and family home.
"You lost your hat." Al said as Envy carried Sheska to the car.
"It looks better on her."
"But it looked so cute on you!" his littlest brother replied and his father tried not to snicker as he lifted Ed up in his arms.
"Festive!" the semi conscious alchemist exclaimed before settling back into unconsciousness. Envy glared at his father when he heard something that suspiciously sounded like a laugh.
"All three of you can bite me."
The homunculus stopped at Sheska's home first and after a brief impersonal frisk to retrieve her house keys, Envy tucked his new friend in bed and locked up. Then he hopped back in the car drove to the hotel, dropping his family at the door.
But Envy heard his dad exclaim as his family walked out of sight,
"Merry Christmas son, we had a great night."