Living alone has more than one perk, but the best one is that I don't have to answer to anyone when I decide to leave. I gather my Dauntless clothes out of their hiding place and put them on before pulling my hair down. I slide my wall open, looking in the mirror for the second time today. Selfish.
The Dauntless look suits me. Better than Abnegation does anyways. It's not enough though to make me regret my choice; I could never accomplish what I'm trying to do if I had chosen differently. When the time is right, I sneak out of my own house and head towards Tobias.
I've gotten better at blending in. In the off chance that I do pass someone, they hardly give me a second glance. I make my way up the stairs quickly, pausing only for a moment to make sure nothing looks out of place before I make my way through the columns. I knock softly, hoping that Tobias will realize it's me and not a threat.
After a few moments I knock again, this time louder. I lean against the door, placing my ear on it, hoping to hear some movement inside. In one swift motion the door unlocks and opens, and I'm on the ground.
"Tris!" he says loudly, and immediately moves to help me up. "What are you doing here? Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," I say, pushing him aside and moving to the middle of the room. "We need to talk."
He stares at me blankly for a moment before closing the door. I sit in one of his chairs, and motion for him to sit in the other. Instead he turns around, walks to the wall and leans against it, putting as much space between the two of us as possible. I take a deep breath and nod.
"I met Will today. He's the new Dauntless Ambassador. They're requesting a weapons increase- they want to triple their numbers." His mouth twitches a bit, but he remains still.
"I got the impression that something is happening at Dauntless, and it involves Erudite." At this he moves. It was only one step, but it's all I need. "So it's true then?"
He moves back to the wall, dropping his eyes to the floor. "Tobias, talk to me, please." He bites his bottom lip, and just like he does to me, I stare. I think about the last time I kissed those lips -about how long it's been- and I bite my lip too.
I stand, drawing his attention back to me, and slowly make my way to him. "I need to know what you know," I say as I stand in front of him. "I can only stall for so long. Eventually I'm going to have to present their proposal, and it's going to be approved. What happens when they get their hands on those weapons?"
"Well, it won't be instant," he says quietly. "They'll still have to be made, but I don't know, Tris. I don't have all the information."
"Then tell me what you do know." He sighs, closing his eyes for a moment before starting.
"I worked in intelligence. I monitored the cameras, among other things, and I noticed that Erudite was showing up more and more. Never their Ambassador, just their leader, Jeanine. She and Max would have private meetings each time, and I grew suspicious.
"I know my way around a computer or two, so one night I delved into the Dauntless secure files, and I found some things that didn't make a whole lot of sense. Things like weapons order forms. Different serum names. Maps. They were just vague enough that I could never really figure anything out. But thing is, every single e-mail originated from Erudite. So I kept watching the cameras. Every day shift I followed Max around the compound, and every night shift I went through his personal e-mails, until I found it."
"Found what?" I ask almost inaudibly. Tobias' eyes are serious. Frightened even. I know I'm walking a fine line between knowing too much and not enough, and it terrifies me. I take a deep breath; the next words he says are going to change everything.
"I'm still not one hundred percent sure, but I think they were attack plans. On Abnegation."
"Abnegation?" I say, searching his face for any indication that he's lying. I can't find one. "Why?"
"That's just it. I don't know."
My heart is racing at the thought of how vulnerable Abnegation is. These people cannot -no- will not fight back. They will stand still and they will die, if that's what this comes to. I'm not sure why my mind immediately went to the thought of dozens of Abnegation being slaughtered, but it did, and now I can't get the image out of my head.
"Why didn't you tell me before, Tobias? I thought you trusted and cared about me. I thought-"
"I do care about you!" he shouts, and I stop. "But I didn't want you to panic. The burden of knowing something like this Tris..."
I suddenly hate everything. The look on his face. The thought that maybe this is also a part of why he left Dauntless. That this is why he is Factionless. That I might have to run or fight for my life. That my brother chose Erudite.
"I care about you more than you know," he says quietly. "Why do you think I was on the roof that day- the day I got cut? I'm terrified of heights, but I was up there making sure I could get the layout of this area down so I could get to you if I needed to. You are all I ever think about. Tris, you are the only person -the only thing- I have cared about in such a long time that I-" I push him back against the wall, cutting him off with a kiss.
He takes my face in his hands and kisses me back. It's full of desperation and desire and I am on fire. He reaches down and grips my hips so hard I'm certain I will have a bruise, before lifting me up off the ground. I instinctively wrap myself around him as he spins, pressing me firmly against the wall.
He only leaves my lips for a moment -to trail kisses across my jaw and down my neck and back again- and I almost forget how to breathe. A slight whimper escapes as every inch of my body reaches out to him, yearning and lusting for more. When his hand finds a bare spot of skin on my back where my shirt has lifted though, I freeze, and so does he. He rests his head against mine, and looks into my eyes as we both catch our breath.
"Sorry," he says, pulling away slowly, but I hold on tight, pulling him back into me.
"Don't be," I say softly. I wrap my legs around him tighter, and bite my lip. He glances down, shuddering as he lets out a breath, and I smile.
"I've thought about you too," I whisper. He presses against me harder, and I let out a soft hum at how good it feels. I may be inexperienced in this area of life, but I trust myself to enough to listen to my instincts. This doesn't just feel good, it feels right. It always has.
I run my fingers over his shoulders, up his neck and into his hair. He closes his eyes, letting out a loud breath as my fingers explore; touching, learning, remembering. I lean in and kiss him again, slowly this time. Every touch, every taste, every movement is in sync; there is nothing but the two of us. In this moment, I feel more alive than I ever have.
"I want to stay here with you," I whisper when Tobias slowly pulls away. I cover his mouth quickly with my hand when he tries to protest, and smile. "But I know I can't."
It's easy to run away, to seek shelter from a place that poses a risk, but I can't. Not now. My parents, Susan, Krystal, Rose- they're more vulnerable than I'll ever be.
He nods, my hand still over his mouth. He slowly lowers me to the ground and takes my hand, kissing it before he pulls it away. "I want you to stay, too." He smiles before leading me back to the chairs. It's only now that I notice there are no more empty brown bottles scattered around.
"What else has been happening?" he asks as we sit. Suddenly my every day life seems so trivial.
"I got permission to write up a proposal, and Will offered to help me," I start, before filling him in on the entire meeting.
"Do you trust him?" he asks when I'm finished, and I shrug.
"I don't really know him, do you?"
"No," he says, shaking his head. "I remember a Will from initiation though. He was an Erudite transfer."
"That sounds like him," I say, not even needing a physical description. As soon as Tobias said it, I knew- he's very smart and doesn't bother to hide it. "I think I should at least give it a try. I'm going to need all the help I can get if this is going to work. What has Evelyn been up to?"
Tobias runs a hand down his face and sighs. I feel bad for asking, but somehow this is a part of the bigger picture too.
"She's...Evelyn," he says, and I nod my head. Even in those few minutes when we met, the tone she took with the two of us -her body language, even her choice of words- told me that she is on a mission, and she is not going to budge easily.
"I've only seen her a handful of times, and each time it's the same thing. Equal representation. Equal place in government. Equal everything. Which is fine, but now she's talking about abolishing the faction system entirely."
"Tobias," I say softly. "Is that what we're trying to do?"
"I don't know, Tris."
He gives me a small smile and motions for me to come to him. I hesitate for just a second before standing. I sit in his lap and he wraps his arms around me- I instantly think about the Candor couple on the bus on my choosing day, and the promise I made to myself earlier. I only blush a little bit.
"You're so beautiful," he whispers as he plays with my hair, and I close my eyes. "And smart. And brave."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Anything."
"Why me?"
I feel his fingers stop moving for just a second, before starting back up again. I don't dare open my eyes, fearing the look on his face; that he might realize that I'm not actually beautiful, but that I'm only beautiful because of his circumstances.
"Hey," he says, tilting my face towards his so I have to open my eyes. "I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. I see beauty, yes, but it's not just that. I see bravery and determination. You didn't give up on me, and I know you won't give up on this. Intelligence, selflessness...devotion." He places his hand over my heart at this last one, and it beats harder in response to his simple touch.
"Tris," he says, "You're the best person I know. The best person I have ever known, and all of that is why I-" he stops abruptly, and I realize I've been holding my breath this entire time, hanging on his every word. I give him a small smile as I exhale, and he returns it.
"Thank you," I say softly, and he nods. "I have to go."
"I know."
I kiss him once more -chastely compared to earlier- and stand up. He stands too and walks me to the door.
"Tobias, come with me." He stares at me, one eyebrow raised. I'm just as surprised. The words just came out before I even had a chance to think it through. "I just...I don't want to be alone." I never realized just how small my voice could sound. There are so many reason why it makes sense for Tobias to be where I am, but the only one I care about, is the purely selfish one.
"Tris, I don't-"
"Please."
I feel desperate, like it can't possibly be any other way.
His eyes dart back and forth, seemingly searching for a reason to stay or go. My heart pounds in my chest, but I stand firm, watching him as he watches me. Without a word he walks to the lantern, and turns it off. When I walk out of the door, a million thoughts and feeling race through me at once; fear, hope, curiosity, desire. We walk together, hand in hand through the Factionless sector, into Abnegation, and into my home.
I lead him upstairs, and I can hear his breathing increase with each step. When we reach the hallway, he holds on to my hand tight as he looks around.
"Does it bother you?" I ask. "Being back here?"
"Yes. And no."
"Look at me," I say as I place a hand on his cheek. "This is my house. And...this is your house, too, if you want it to be. But this isn't, and never will be, his house. You will always be safe here." He nods slowly, but I can still see the worry in his eyes. I pull him into me and hold on. His arms wrap around me tighter than I think I've ever been held, and we stand there like that for a long time.
"I don't have anything for you to sleep in," I eventually say. "I can ask Susan to get me some Abnegation clothes tomorrow, just in case." I feel him nod. "Come on." I pull away and lead him into the bathroom.
"Take a shower -a hot one- and I'll make us something to eat."
I change quickly, and when I come back upstairs with two sandwiches and some sliced apples, he is sitting on my bed, his hair glistening in the low light. My heart beats a little nervously, and I can feel the heat on my neck, but I ignore it and sit next to him.
We eat in silence -he in his Dauntless black, I in my Abnegation gray- occasionally stealing glances at each other like we did what feels like a lifetime ago. When we're finished I take his plate and set it on my desk with my own.
I crawl back into bed and sit against the wall, pulling him up beside me. He puts his arm around my shoulders, and I lay my head on his chest. We don't talk or kiss or anything, really. Occasionally he pulls me in tighter, and I the same, and when my eyelids feel like lead, I nuzzle into him and drift off to sleep.