The Haunted and the Used
It seemed that in her restless dreams she would always come back to that place, the endless void that was the inside of the sacred jewel. The dream was as vivid and well detailed as it always was even down to the clothing Kagome wore, her middle school uniform as she'd been wearing when she got absorbed all those years ago. The only difference between this dream and all the others that had stolen sleep from her ever since she left InuYasha's side was Kagome was well aware it wasn't real and only a nightmare. Perhaps that was why the image of the sacred jewel next to her, pierced with her arrow, wasn't mocking her this time.
The silence, however, was just as terrifying as the overwhelming darkness.
"Why do I always come back here?" Kagome asked the jewel trying to suppress her quivering.
The voice that came from the jewel was quite alien to her this time. It was as though it were a mix of Matasahui, Naraku, and Kikyo all merged into one.
"You know why Kagome," it told her in a sinister voice.
She looked down into the darkness trying to find the truth, "Why would I want this? A reminder that InuYasha isn't coming this time? That I'm on my own? That I have to solve my own problems. My family and friends are in danger and it's all my fault."
"That's close enough to the truth," it replied, "do you still believe this darkness to be a prison?"
"It is a prison," she answered shaking her head, "that's what it was meant to be. You told InuYasha I was born to become part of the jewel. To fight Naraku and his evil as long as the jewel existed to fuel its evil powers. This was where I was meant to be, but InuYasha thought differently. I was born for him and he was born for me. That's what he believed."
"You know now it was just sweet words," Kikyo's voice was now becoming the dominant one, "you owe your entire existence to the jewel and Kikyo's desires. Desires and powers so strong she was reincarnated into a completely different world free of demons and evils that could be a rival to the jewel. That world, your family, all only existed to ensure you a safe passage through life until you were able to ferry the jewel back to its home, back to where Naraku waited for its return. Your love for InuYasha didn't matter."
"That's not true either," she continued to shake her head, "it did matter. That's why that Amethyst woman is interested in me isn't it? I wasn't born to be used by the jewel. If I was then why did my actions defy all the rules? There is no universe where I'm defeated by it, where I'm trapped in this void. All because of InuYasha. He broke the rules to, using his sword's power to come and find me. It was meant to be."
"None of these sweet nothings have anything to do with why you're here now Kagome. Why you can't sleep. Why you can't move past this place. You know why you're here. You're just running away. That's why you appear here in that garb, that of a school girl. You're still just a child."
"I'm not going to let go! I'm not going to give up on InuYasha! Do you hear me!? I don't care how many nightmares you throw at me I can't give up."
"Dreams are for fantasies, so why isn't he here Kagome? Why isn't he coming for you? Why can't you break through this and go to him?"
Her voice became weak, "I don't know."
The voice of the jewel grew hostile, "You do know. If you want to stop being the silly girl that runs away then realize the truth now. This is a prison Kagome. Prisons punish the guilty."
"The guilty?" she asked as she reflected on the word guilt and what it meant to her, "I'm not hiding from my guilt. I know what it is to me. How I can never be happy no matter what side of the well I'm on. Someone close to me is always going to be left behind, and I can't always protect them and be there for them. I can't win. Am I here to be reminded of that?"
"This world exists because you need it Kagome. You need us to punish you for what you've done. The world on the outside, your family, your friends, and even that half-breed and cold brother of his have been too forgiving of you and the fortunes you've taken for granted. You need a place to be punished, to feel low and oppressed. You need us to remind you what you carry and to protect you from it. Here, alone and afraid of the dark, is where you will be human again. You being so filled with fear and despair is what you need. Stay here with us Kagome."
"I need it," she finally admitted to herself understanding why she was seeing this place in her dreams, "InuYasha isn't coming for me because I don't deserve him to. He already did once, and I never repaid the favor. I let myself regress, as Sesshoumaru would say, into something weaker. Someone who couldn't fight for what I wanted, because of that my marriage to InuYasha just became a joke. Nothing to be taken seriously. He saw me as something that just needed to be protected and I let him believe that. We were suppose to create our own family, that's why I left mine to be with him, and I left him with nothing."
As Kagome reflected on her words, and if she were truly the one to blame for her situation she could hear InuYasha's voice, and what he said after she first expressed her desire to remain by his side.
"If that's what you want then I promise I'll protect you with my life."
"It's not his fault," Kagome said immediately shutting down any argument that could be made that InuYasha was to blame, "I should have said something. I should have let him know loving me wasn't a burden. He didn't have to protect me from every single thing. You're right I do need you, to remind me I never deserved him to be punished for my guilt, but is it right? To keep punishing myself like this? Can't I hold on to hope that I can both help my family and see InuYasha again without hurting myself like this?"
Kagome had fallen asleep on the couch in the living room of her house shortly after her and Sesshoumaru had come inside. He didn't protest her actions for it was clear she was in a state now where she was becoming fatigued quite easily, but it was becoming apparent that she was having disturbing dreams again by the way she was twisting and turning.
As Sesshoumaru watched her and pondered whether or not to wake her up he thought about the human in question and why he was so concerned with her in the first place. Many justifications could be made for why he wanted and needed InuYasha's woman, something similar to the list of pro's and con's Kagome had told him about. Though it wasn't by choice she was pregnant with his pup, so she needed cared for and she was also essential and the only one he could trust when it came to learning about this new world and how to adapt and survive in it.
There was also the strange theories that Sesshoumaru had began to craft. His theory making had started when he use to imagine the world beyond the well Kagome disappeared into, and now it had evolved into a method to fill in the gaps when it came to his many questions regarding the world around him and remaining mysterious surrounding the event of Kagome destroying the sacred jewel.
At the moment, on the surface, Kagome was nothing more than an anxiety ridden young woman trying to wear guilt on her sleeve to deal with the loss of InuYasha and ill that befallen her family, and because of it she acted out. She was being a brat that couldn't deal with her own emotions, something Sesshoumaru did not have time for, but there was something else underneath, another mystery. Why was there no time line or world or whatever the purple haired demoness spoke of where the sacred jewel was successful in its mission? What made Kagome so special? His theory was that she had some kind of power, and that power in turn made InuYasha strong. Perhaps it wasn't InuYasha on his own that saved Kagome that day all those years ago, but the strength she'd given him during the journey on the way to that point. InuYasha was nothing in comparison to Sesshoumaru's own when it came to strength before Kagome came into their world, but towards the end the hanyou had been able to best him several times. Kagome was the source of InuYasha's power and Sesshoumaru wanted that power for himself, but his lust for additional strength didn't fully explain his want. He could take a woman without being attracted towards them, but yet he found himself in want of Kagome's body, and even worse her affections. Why? Was it also apart of her power? Was she some sort of demon seducer?
Sesshoumaru watched as the sleeping woman clutched at her chest, as though looking for the locket that no longer existed. It made him angry that she was wasting her time looking for something that wasn't there, in response he pondered waking her.
"Leave her be," came the voice of Kagome's mother, "with everything going on I doubt she's getting as much rest as she needs. A small nap or two during the day is what's best for her."
"I don't think anyone knows what's best for her," Sesshoumaru tried to stop himself from growling as he retreated from Kagome's sleeping body, "especially herself."
"You're probably right," the mother seemed to brewing some sort of cup of tea in ritual for getting ready to go to her place of employment, "but sleep will help. She misses InuYasha. Every day that goes by must be hard on her, especially with a little one inside of her. I have to keep reminding myself she isn't truly home even if she can't go back. She's way too stubborn to just move on and let go of that place. It's where she believed she belonged after all."
"InuYasha wouldn't help matters," Sesshoumaru said coldly, "he didn't know what was best for her either. If he did she wouldn't be so helpless now."
"My daughter isn't helpless. You'd be a fool if you look at her and think that. She wants to help me fix my mistakes. That's the kind of girl she is. No matter what mess she finds herself into she always wants to help those around her. I just wish she would focus on herself, but every time I tell her that I must sound like a broken record. Like I said she's stubborn. Let her rest Sesshoumaru. You're under our roof now and we can help you to. If there is something you don't understand I can explain it to you."
Sesshoumaru looked to his hand where he still held the dictionary Kagome had gifted him with. He had it incase there was a term he became curious about, but often times in conversation he didn't have the time to look it up especially with the way Kagome talked and overreacted to things.
"How did humans learn all these words and compile them?" was the only question Sesshoumaru could think of while on the spot.
Her mother let out a small laugh, "Well humans made up all those words so I doubt it could have been that hard. Sorry here I am agreeing to help you and already I'm failing you. I don't know about the creation of dictionaries only how to use them for scrapbooking since no one uses them for anything else anymore."
"Scrapbooking?" he didn't understand the term.
"Keeping memories in a book. My mother use to have a dictionary like that. When she had a good photo of my father or her kids she'd put the picture in the book under a word that meant something to her, like love or future. Eventually though she began just taping her gray hairs under words like worry and distraught to tell us how complicated we made her life. I don't think any of us kept her book when she passed, because at the end it really just looked like a bad joke."
"My hair is almost gray," was Sesshoumaru's response not understanding what the woman was talking about, "and I do not feel distraught or worry."
"I was speaking of hair that turn white with age," the mother sighed, "you being a demon wouldn't understand the joke I guess. You don't grow old and feeble like humans do. I assume from the way Kagome spoke of you you're not like your brother. You have no human in you at all do you? I guess that'd make you the first well spoken full demon visitor to my family's shrine."
"Is that so?" was all Sesshoumaru asked still keeping his eyes on Kagome.
It was true Kagome's family members could also be useful tools in learning about the new world since the girl often found ways to drag her feet when it came to those duties, but despite wanting things to progress that wasn't the route he wanted to take. He wanted to learn from Kagome and Kagome alone. She was the one who'd earned his respect and trust while her family was just a minor inconvenience he showed respect to due to his need for living arrangements.
"She hasn't said much about you," the mother noted still trying to keep a conversation going, "only that you're not patient or kind as your brother. I really don't know anything about you despite you pretty much being part of the family now. How was it you and Kagome met? Are you close to your brother?"
No amount of respect, however, could persuade Sesshoumaru to sugar coat the truth when it came to InuYasha and his woman.
"I do not consider that half-breed my brother," Sesshoumaru told her coldly, "only reason I've had the displeasure of crossing paths with him so many times in recent memory is because he carries my father's sword. InuYasha wields it now because Kagome was the one who pulled it from my father's grave. She gave it to him, and in turn I tried to kill her. I tried to kill her again on our second meeting to prove to my brother she was making him weak. I was mistaken then, but what's done is done. Your daughter was, as you would say, too stubborn and refused to die by my hands."
Sesshoumaru finally turned to look upon the face of Kagome's mother and finally witnessed that care free look of hers become quite distraught knowing that someone who had attempted to kill her daughter was under her roof.
"You tried to kill Kagome?" she asked quietly not knowing what to say.
Sesshoumaru nodded, "According to Kagome it's in the past and we are even now. I've saved her life now more than I've endangered it according to her, though the first one was not intentional."
"But the other times?"
"Kagome was necessary in the battle against Naraku," Sesshoumaru was unaware Kagome's mom didn't even know who Naraku was, "I merely did what my brother was too foolish and distracted to do. That is all there is to it."
"I was mistaken then wasn't I? I could tell you and Kagome weren't close, but I thought the two of you were at least friends. It's nice to at least know you're even I guess."
Sesshoumaru could tell by the woman's voice that she was getting nervous. He couldn't blame her. She had a powerful stranger roaming her property after all that really wasn't owed any favors since he didn't have the best relationship with Kagome.
"Kagome said I am her friend," Sesshoumaru tried to assure the woman, "if that's the title she wishes to give me I will not stand in her way. If she needs me to protect her and assist you and the rest of her family in this world then I will. Saving her life on accident and for convenience does not necessarily forgive my previous actions."
The mother began to calm down a little, "Despite speaking of your brother coldly it does seem you have honor. That's good. A lot of men in this world don't. Especially the ones I've found myself stuck dealing with. I don't want to ask a demon such as yourself for help, I created my own hardships. All I hope for is that you will continue to protect her and help her through all of this. You already are. If you can keep doing that and protect her child as well then you'll always be welcome here Sesshoumaru."
"That is what I intend to do," was all he could say before retreating into his own thoughts.
Sesshoumaru didn't feel as though he had to give a number to the amount of times he'd assisted Kagome in the past, but he still did nonetheless. The number was three by his calculations, but even Kagome didn't know that to be the true number. He'd murdered the poison master that was in the midst of strangling her for his own purposes and when in Naraku's body he'd protected her against several demons that tried to kill her when unconscious, but when it came to that event there was more to it. The only one that truly knew what transpired was Sesshoumaru, and in his opinion there was no reason to share his recollection with anyone else.
"InuYasha's woman?" Sesshoumaru growled to himself when he discovered the source of commotion within Naraku's body.
He'd been going on as he had been for hours now, moving at a fast pace through the labyrinth that was Naraku's body to find where the disgusting creature had hidden Rin before he was disturbed by the sound of something hitting the ground. It turned out it was Kagome falling far from a place above. A fall like that should have been lethal, but it seemed some of the structures within Naraku's body were quite soft and gave her a comfortable landing. Naraku apparently wasn't going to let anyone have an accidental death here.
"Forcing InuYasha and his companions into your mind games rather than just killing them outright is a weakness of yours Naraku," Sesshoumaru spoke out loud examining Kagome's body and the blood that was pooling from both of her shoulders, "they have become obstacles to you now in this prime moment all because of your nature. How dare that Magatsuhi call me weak when he does your bidding, you're the one that makes countless mistakes and needs a jewel as well as the bodies of other demons to grow your power. You're an insult to demons."
Sesshoumaru wasn't expecting a response and really didn't want one, but unfortunately for him Naraku was aware of everything that was happening within his body and felt the need to respond with his sickening voice.
"I use the tools at my disposal Sesshoumaru," Naraku chuckled, "just as you always do. You, the well bred taiyoukai, and me the half demon that builds its body off the strength of others are more alike than you think. You yearned for your father's sword for so long, and now you always have your own blade at your side as your fingers ache wanting so badly to use it against me. You're unable to use Bakusagia aren't you? You don't know where your precious Rin is and swinging that blade around against an opponent you can't see could result in her death so you won't. It's ironic isn't it? You're here to challenge me with only your own weak power all because of a silly human girl. You hated your father for such behavior and moved that hate on to your brother."
Sesshoumaru kept his eyes on the unconscious Kagome, "InuYasha caused those wounds didn't he? That's what you wanted. You are using her against InuYasha the same way you are using Rin against me. Why didn't you just let the woman fall to her death then? You could have made it happen, but now she is here with her life to be used against you later."
Naraku's voice grew more malicious, "This girl. This Kagome, that is all she is. Something to be used. Just another tool. That's the only reason she still lives and why she's here because she always manages to be useful to someone. I'm growing to despise this girl even more than Kikyo. A death by being pushed off a ledge is too good for her. No she deserves much worse. Even if I fall this day… InuYasha, the monk, the demon slayer, and even you and your precious Rin will never be free of me and the damage I've caused. This one, however, has never known true pain. She hasn't lost anybody or known sorrow, but yet she dares to take up arms against me? Why? All because she loves that half-breed? She's the most selfish and idiotic of them all."
"InuYasha's woman and what you think of her does not interest me," Sesshoumaru said coldly, "return Rin to me and cease your games. Magatsuhi is my prey, and once I've finished with him I'll kill you."
"Simply returning Rin to you would be no fun. That is not how this works Lord Sesshoumaru, but I'll make you a deal. Finish what your brother couldn't and kill this girl. Kill Kagome and you can have Rin back. You've tried to kill her before haven't you? What's one girl's death matter? Do you honestly believe she can help you destroy me?"
"Making wagers with the lives of others?" Sesshoumaru shook his head, "I'm not like my idiot brother and his companions. I will not play your games."
"Since when do human lives matter to you Lord Sesshoumaru? You truly have become weak. If you don't believe me don't play, but what would it hurt to kill Kagome now? Do it for your demon pride. Do it to prove to InuYasha that his love for these weak creatures is a waste."
Sesshoumaru knelt down next to Kagome's body. That very short dress or kimono of hers had ridden up in her fall revealing some sort of undergarment, which if removed would reveal too much of her. The demon coldly reached for the fabric of her garb and yanked it down to make her proper again.
"I will not kill the woman for your entertainment," Sesshoumaru said, "if you're too cowardly to reveal yourself and face me then the best I can do is protect the one you, as you said, are growing to despise. If you want her dead try to kill her yourself, or are you unable to?"
It grew silent around that time, and that silence somehow managed to even had Sesshoumaru on edge. Naraku liked to talk no matter how dire the situation was, so why was the spider now at a loss for words?
"Kill Kagome?" Naraku sounding like he was questioning himself, "I could do it couldn't I? I am still alive, so I can take matters into my own hands. Even if I can't, even if the choice is taken from me it's finally time for the wench to be just like the others and know despair. It's finally her turn."
Sesshoumaru felt the ground shift underneath his feet as the surface split allowing a barrage of Naraku's usual tentacles to rise out of the floor heading towards Kagome. Sesshoumaru did his best to severe all those in his way, but he was bested by sheer numbers as a few managed to wrap themselves around the woman's wrists and ankles. Every time Sesshoumaru cut at them more came to take their place. When it became overwhelming Kagome was being moved into the hole they emerged from to take her elsewhere.
"Even now you aren't killing her," Sesshoumaru growled still severing tentacles and pursuing Kagome into the hole, "you're still keeping her alive to use her aren't you? I already told you I won't let you play your games anymore Naraku."
"I'll kill her," Naraku chuckled trying to disguise how divided he was in his thought process, "but there is one more thing I must do. As I said this girl needs to know pain, and at the end of it all she is just something meant to be used. That's what she was born for."
Once Sesshoumaru had fallen down to another level of Naraku's body he continued to pursue Kagome and cut at any and all tentacles that were being used to restrain her. During his battle Sesshoumaru only caught a quick glimpse of a tendril that wasn't like the others as it had the appearance of an insect limb made of bone, the kind of weapon Naraku usually formed from his true body. It forced itself right into the back of Kagome's neck, but did not go deep or attempt to severe her head off of her body.
"You can't even go through with it," Sesshoumaru snarled when he heard Kagome release a cry of pain noticing what had transpired.
He took the bony claw into his own hands and twisted snapping it in half to stop it from penetrating the woman again. The more tentacles and body parts Sesshoumaru destroyed the more intune with his senses he was becoming completely freeing Kagome from those that were trying to capture her. Eventually he found himself taking a protective stance in front of the girl with all claws out ready for the next barrage that would come towards them.
"You can't save the girl," Naraku hissed, "no one can. It's too late now."
Sesshoumaru took a glance at Kagome and the wound Naraku had inflicted upon her and watched as it healed before his very eyes as though it had never happened.
"What did you do?" he asked.
"It's of no concern to you. I allowed the girl's flesh to heal, but the damage is done. If she manages to escape her fate I'll leave her with some suffering. She'll be like all the rest."
"It is of no concern to me," Sesshoumaru reaffirmed, "just as long as she is she breathing at the end of this when your death is witnessed. So is that it then? Still not going to be true to your word? You can't kill her can you? You can't get your own hands dirty, so you need my brother to betray her and do it for you."
Naraku responded by sending another vast barrage of tentacles and various demons from above and below, this time in a lethal manner towards both Sesshoumaru and Kagome. Sesshoumaru, to Naraku's displeasure, rid the whole cavern of all threats almost effortlessly with just his claws.
"It appears for the moment the girl is out of reach," Naraku laughed to cover up his disappointment, "all thanks to you Sesshoumaru. If you wish to protect InuYasha's woman then go ahead. You're only buying her precious time, time you could be using to find Rin. It doesn't matter I suppose. You'll all be the same soon, all dead at my feet after your pointless pursuit."
Sesshoumaru still hadn't dropped his guard as he stood back turned to Kagome. Naraku dared to call Sesshoumaru weak for never relying fully on his own strength, but it seemed Sesshoumaru's own strength was all he needed to effortlessly keep Naraku at bay and away from the woman.
"Is this what you meant father?" Sesshoumaru asked himself quietly, "you denied me Tetsusagia and Sounga because I had nothing to protect. By protecting Rin, and now InuYasha's woman have I become stronger?"
Sesshoumaru rose an eyebrow when the cavern they were in became flooded with lesser demons. The demons were so weak it was a joke, and even they were aware of it since they kept trying to sneak past Sesshoumaru to kill Kagome who was unable to protect herself.
"It doesn't matter," Sesshoumaru said using his claws to swipe at every demon that came their way, "this isn't enough of a test to validate your words. Not when Naraku is too cowardly to give me a true challenge."
Sesshoumaru didn't even give a glance to the demon that snuck behind him. He could sense it was there and knew how much time he had. He sent his whip made of his own toxins hurling behind him to kill it before it could bite into Kagome's flesh before continuing on with purging the cavern of the rubbish minions.
"Sesshoumaru?" came Kagome's weak voice as she began to waken.
Sesshoumaru gave her only a small glance after he'd finally finished taking care of the lesser demons, "Those wounds. Did InuYasha cause them?"
Sesshoumaru knew the answer, but it was the only thing he could bother asking Kagome. He didn't see any reason to tell her that Naraku had tried to kill or, or was at least struggling with trying to kill her, or that something had been done to her neck. None of that was his concern.
None of it was his concern back then. As far as he and his actions of protecting Kagome at that time were concerned she had served her purpose by helping destroy Naraku and then the sacred jewel. The aftermath of what transpired in that cavern of Naraku's body hadn't mattered to him until now when he was in the position of needing Kagome's company. As time had gone by he had assumed that maybe Naraku had cursed her and similar to that of the monk's wind tunnel the curse had faded upon the death of his creator as she seemed fine during her stay in his world. However, other than her seeing a locket that didn't exist nothing seemed too wrong with her. He figured her attitude and state of worrying about everyone else over herself was just in her nature, so it couldn't have anything to do with what Naraku had done to her.
"He wanted Kagome to know the same pain and sorrow as the rest of his victims," Sesshoumaru thought to himself, "an empty threat. Kagome doesn't seem to need interference from another to torture herself. The mother is that way as well. Whatever this situation is with the herb she smokes she is almost fighting Kagome for who should receive the most blame. These humans are so odd. However, Naraku did have a point in the way he spoke of Kagome. She really was born for the purpose of being used by others. She was born for the sacred jewel's purposes after all, and when I protected her I was unable to be overwhelmed by Naraku's tendrils as I had in the past and I didn't even use Bakusaiga. Kagome is the answer to something I need. That is why I want her, that is why the Sounga wants her dead. If I refuse to wield that blade it becomes nothing more than a forgotten memory as no one else seems to know about it, and it probably knows Kagome is something much more valuable than itself. I just need this silly wench to get out of her melancholy state so I can proceed. Unfortunately upsetting her only makes things worse so I need to develop a new strategy."
"Woman," Sesshoumaru was referring to Kagome's mother who was nervously sipping her tea, "what is your name?"
He'd been on this woman's property for several days and she was very important to Kagome, so the least he could do was learn her name.
The woman seemed surprised Sesshoumaru was taking interest and was slow to give a response, "Kisakuna Higurashi."
"I see," Sesshoumaru still had a hard time making conversation but it was nice to now have a name with the face, "and you fear these thugs as Kagome called them?"
"Fear them? I didn't, but things are different now. It was my problem and I was handling it on my own, but now that Kagome is here things have changed. I have to protect her. When it came to Souta, just a young high school boy with nothing to his name I wasn't worried about them coming after him as long as I did what was asked of me. The most I feared was going to jail and leaving him, but Kagome is a different story. I've already been warned how much money their clan can make off of a young woman."
Sesshoumaru could at least read between the lines enough to understand what Kisakuna meant, and to think Kagome scolded him for questioning the purposes of whore houses in her world when the institution still seemed to be a possible threat.
"Nothing will happen to her," Sesshoumaru looked down at the sleeping woman on the couch again, "as long as I am by her side. These humans that upset you are nothing to a demon such as myself."
"Sesshoumaru," Kisakuna's tone went back to that of a nervous one, "it's easy enough to tell that she is pregnant with the sickness and how easily it took her to get tired out. Is it really InuYasha's? I can tell it's already painful for her to be away from him, but if she has to have his child without him here- all I can feel is guilt. I was so happy to see her again to have her home and all she is doing is suffering and worrying about the actions of her stupid mother-
"Silence," Sesshoumaru was putting a stop to it before she could shed any tears or go into hysterics similar to how he handled Rin, "why do you humans need to feel this guilt? Guilt over what? This woman fell through the well and can't get back. It has nothing to do with you. If you must feel guilty feel guilty for letting her out of your sight into my world in the first place. I'm not the only one who has tried to kill her. For some demons out there simply having her killed would be the best outcome, and you allowed her to risk her life and virtue for what? InuYasha? A marriage between a stubborn emotional human like this one and an idiot who would outlive her several times over? Was that the life you wanted for her? The loss of that is what gives you guilt? She and the pup are better off here with you in the now. There is nothing to be guilty for."
Once Sesshoumaru was finished he was sure he'd gone on too far. Honestly he shouldn't have even given a response, but when he spoke of letting someone important out of your sight and leaving them to danger he wasn't necessarily speaking of Kagome. Perhaps even he wasn't free from the lingering effects of feeling guilty.
It didn't seem like it, but he'd actually censored himself as well when he delivered his cold hard truth. He wanted so badly to tell Kagome's mother the truth about the pup and the real father, but if he were to interfere with Kagome's lie she would get upset again. However, maybe he didn't need to to press anything further regarding that for it seemed Kisakuna had her own doubts on the subject.
The awkward moment wasn't lingered on long as Sesshoumaru watched Kagome stir on the couch uncomfortably. It had been obvious for a while now she was having more of her nightmares, but the way she was twisting and turning now was a bit out of the ordinary. She didn't seem upset in particular, just wound up and unable to truly rest.
"Just a few more minutes," Kisakuna sighed, "her friend Yuka is coming over soon isn't she? Let her continue to rest."
Sesshoumaru gave a nod as he was wondering what could possibly be going on in those dreams of Kagome's.
"I'm here because I want to feel punished," Kagome admitted to herself inside the dream as she looked upon the sacred jewel, "I understand now. This place, is what I fear most. Being alone here in the dark knowing InuYasha won't come for me. Is this really what I deserve? Being trapped in this pain over what? Leaving my family, and now leaving InuYasha and my friends? This is what I want?"
"It's what you wanted," Kikyo's voice emitted from the shikon jewel shrouded in darkness, "but most importantly what you need. You're using pain to protect yourself. It hurts and scares you, but knowing pain will only make you stronger. However, now that you know what this place is and you know it isn't real I'm afraid it's effect will be lost on you. We need to try something new."
"Something new?" the school girl version of Kagome asked as her eyes widened in shock.
Someone had wrapped their hands around her face and mouth to silence her. They were strong, so strong she couldn't even turn around to look on to the face of her captor, but it became quite clear when her skin began to feel irritated as a poisonous miasma erupted from the creature's claws. It was Sesshoumaru.
"Why stoop to these extremes to punish yourself Kagome?" Sesshoumaru's cold voice asked, "I am the one that is here with you now. I can fulfill your desire, and for it there will be no cost. You'll already be paying for it after all. With your body."
Kagome tried to scream, but no sound escaped her lips as the darkness surrounding them began to disappear. She now found herself back in the shed that she shared with Sesshoumaru with his claws still over her face and his Mokomoko inching its way up her body to stifle her movements.
"Why did I even bother asking you for permission to rut this body of yours?" Sesshoumaru asked before roughly pushing her into her own bed, "InuYasha never took proper advantage of it and it's much too ripe to go to waste. You should be honored, being a human and receiving such praise from true demon such as myself."
"Sesshoumaru stop!" Kagome screamed at him.
What was she doing? She knew everything that was happening wasn't real. It was just a dream wasn't it? That meant she had the power to end it, but instead she was making demands of him without truly fighting it.
"Be silent Kagome," Sesshoumaru ordered sitting next to her on the bed and gently bringing a claw to her face and stroking her cheek, "you wanted this so don't waste your energy in a futile fight against me. I'll have what I want, and in turn you'll get what you deserve."
"I don't deserve this," Kagome said weakly, "we can't. I'm married to InuYasha. This wasn't how it was supposed to end."
"Circumstances changed didn't they?" he traced his claws over her uniform, "you pretending your marriage holds any importance just makes it even more of a joke than it already was. It never mattered to him, and because of that you're now at my disposal aren't you? Alone in this room with me with nowhere to escape to or anyone to save you. Let me punish you Kagome. You'll feel much better when it's over."
Her marriage to InuYasha never mattered to him? That was right. InuYasha never wanted to do it. He always said it was stupid and only made sense for human couples like Sango and Miroku. He and Kagome had done enough for the village that no one would dare judge them for loving each other, so why did they have to make an effort to fit in like that? InuYasha never wanted it, but Kagome pushed it on him. Why? It seemed so stupid looking back.
There was a lot of things InuYasha didn't feel their relationship needed, but she still went out of her way to force it on him. That was why InuYasha didn't want to share an actual house with her. It had nothing to do with him liking the outdoors or forcing her to be submissive. Really it was just him putting up a single act of resistance. She had been childish when she forced him into a traditional marriage, and in return he acted childish back. Their little game had created a wall between the two of them that grew into larger issues further into their relationship. The wall had gotten so big they could no longer understand each other. Instead of growing together and learning from each other as they had in the past they regressed into allowing misunderstandings turn into fights. Hurtful fights.
"It's all my fault," Kagome told herself, "when I fell through the well with Sesshoumaru I was so shocked and scared that I made myself forget the truth. It was already over wasn't it? InuYasha and I were ending and I did nothing to fix it. I let it die. That's why I deserve to be punished."
"So you'll take it then?" Sesshoumaru didn't hesitate in ripping Kagome's blouse from her body revealing her bare breasts, "Kagome do you recall what I told you about when we first met? How I assumed you were a whore by the way you dressed? My pride of being a pure demon wouldn't allow me to tell you the truth."
"What did you think of me?" Kagome asked her voice quivering as Sesshoumaru's finger played with her nipple teasing it into growing stiff.
"That with this body you were more than just a whore. These breasts and your hips make you a proper breeding bitch. One meant to be mounted on and used for pups and pleasure. InuYasha didn't take advantage, so I will fight my disdain for the weakness in humans to put you to good use. You will already have my pup and I will be by your side, so at least let me experience the rest. Be my breeding bitch Kagome."
Kagome didn't resist at all as Sesshoumaru maneuvered her body exactly where he wanted it. She was on her knees while her torso was kept in place by his hands kneading her breasts. She did nothing as he used his Mokomoko to pull one of her thighs to the side to create space.
"Good bitch," he growled lowly approving of the position allowing her upper half to fall to her hands, "stay like that. You'll be ready for me soon."
Kagome's whole body began to shake. She knew what could come next. She could hear the rustling of Sesshoumaru's kimono as he was undressing himself. He was going to force himself inside of her. He, the demon that once hated humans and had tried to kill her, was going to put himself inside of his brother's wife and she wasn't doing anything to stop her. She couldn't. That would be wrong. This was her punishment after all.
"I'll be your breeding bitch," Kagome told him quietly as a way to promise him she wouldn't put up a fight or let her position falter.
"Okay it's time for you to wake up honey," came a voice Kagome wasn't prepared to hear right now.
It was her mother. Her mother telling her to wake up.
"No mom I'm not ready yet," Kagome closed her eyes wanting to push the interruption out of her head.
"Better listen to your mother," was all Sesshoumaru's cold voice could tell her.
That was all Sesshoumaru gave her. Nothing more after that. The dream had been ruined, and Kagome was forced to return to the world of the living where she was quickly disgusted with herself for actually wanting to have such a deranged dream in the first place.
Sesshoumaru watched as Kisakuna gently shook her daughter awake and Kagome glared at the two of them with beady eyes. Kagome's mother had no problem letting her child stay in slumber when she twisted and turned uncomfortably, but when Sesshoumaru noticed Kagome's nipples stiffen underneath her tank top she took action while muttering something about pregnancy hormones.
Once Kagome was fully awake she noticed Sesshoumaru was knelt beside her and his gaze was locked on her. That was not what she needed to wake up to. Not after that dream. She needed to get it all out of her head and forget about it immediately.
"Go away!" Kagome snapped at Sesshoumaru as she forced her body up into a sitting position, "you really don't have anything else to do than watch me sleep!? You're a creep!"
Sesshoumaru just gave her a cold glare as her mother tried to take control of the situation, "Now now dear he was just concerned about you. Were you having a nightmare? Have you been getting any sleep at all Kagome? I know there is a lot going on, but you need to work on getting some good rest. It's what's good for you and the baby."
The baby was the last thing Kagome wanted to hear about right now. She knew the clock was ticking and she did need to get it together for her child, but her dealing with a lot was an understatement.
"I do have nightmares," Kagome admitted still with a defensive tone, "about that place I went to when you, Souta, and Gramps heard my voice when the well disappeared. I get those a lot when InuYasha isn't around. It's just separation anxiety. I'm trying to relax mom I promise, but that doesn't mean Sesshoumaru gets to just glare at me like that all the time. I thought you wanted to do something or learn something, so why did you let me fall asleep in the first place Sesshoumaru? We wasted the whole morning."
Sesshoumaru hadn't done anything to Kagome, but yet he was receiving her fury. Why was he going so far out of his way not to upset her if he was getting scolded at no matter what? That was fine. Eventually he would have his reward.
"As your mother said you need rest with a pup inside of you," Sesshoumaru dismissed her standing up, "I had no intention of disturbing you."
"Let me make you some tea that will help you relax Kagome," Kisakuna retreated into the kitchen, "we could all probably use it. Would you like some tea Sesshoumaru?"
"No thanks," he told her.
"The usual then?" she asked with an awkward smile.
Sesshoumaru said nothing in response, which was taken as a yes so a cold can of Diet Coke was placed on the kitchen counter for him.
Sesshoumaru and Kagome were then left with a moment or two of privacy, and it was quite uncomfortable. He was still just staring at her as Kagome huffed and had fire in her eyes. Perhaps it was inappropriate to stare at her the way he did, but he still couldn't figure out what offense he had committed to deserve the hateful glance he was receiving in return.
"If you were InuYasha I would have smacked you already," Kagome muttered under her breath, "come to think of it I'm pretty sure I have before. Woke up to him just beside me staring at me all creepy like when I was having a dream about- never mind!"
Kagome smacking him wasn't something that would be occurring even if she tried. This had already been proven when she made an attempt in the bathroom a few days ago. So his brother had allowed himself to be hit by her? How pathetic.
"I am not InuYasha," he told her coldly, "he isn't here."
Hurt flashed in Kagome's eyes, "You don't need to remind me. I know. He isn't here. There is a chance I'll never see him again."
Sesshoumaru rose an eyebrow in surprise. That response actually caught him off guard.
"Why are you saying that? Didn't you proclaim you wouldn't give up hope, and that you'd find a way to force the well to bring you back to him."
"I don't want to give up Sesshoumaru. I can't. It's not right and it's not fair what's happened to all of us, but I'm doing what you said aren't I? Taking in other possibilities to be ready for the future. Not everything is about me and InuYasha anyway. Other people need me now. I just hope he's okay."
Kagome thought about something else and shook her head, "You're not InuYasha and I'm not fifteen anymore. I'm not going to smack you for a misunderstanding or find a way to put magic beads around your neck and tell you to sit. That's not how adults should be solving their problems. That can't be me anymore."
"Good," Sesshoumaru was still hung up and surprised Kagome was finally accepting reality and contemplating her future, "I don't plan on striking you unless you can actually manage to land the first blow. You won't, but keep it in mind."
"Such arrogance Lord Sesshoumaru," Kagome yawned, "anyway go drink your Coke somewhere else. We already had our baths, but I should really wear something different for when Yuka comes over. All the things she's probably gone through last thing she needs to see is me looking uncaring as a leisurely sit here in sweats. I need to look less like a mess."
"Kagome," he didn't move even as she got ready to leave the couch, "when we were in Naraku's body did he ever say anything to you?"
"Naraku?" Kagome looked displeased to be hearing that name, "outside of the usual mocking and bragging about how he was going to kill us all? No he never really said anything to me. There was that moment when I confronted him about how he wasn't absorbing the jewel, but he just gave off more arrogance."
"Since Bakuya was the one that sent you inside the jewel it's clear that your path was planned out before the final confrontation. Yet attacks were sent your way and there was no guarantee for your safety. The whole thing is still odd to me. If Naraku always intended to have Bakuya cut you why didn't he simply ignore you? Instead he allowed my brother's demon form to wound you. He wanted you to die at InuYasha's hands to toy with him."
Kagome thought on it, "I try not to think back on that day too much but of course I wonder how a human like me survived all of that. Maybe Naraku was conflicted? What happened to me in the end was all the will of the jewel. Naraku was just it's tool following orders, but he had his heart in the end so maybe he wasn't completely down with just being used like that. What happened to me didn't matter. If I lived I would potentially wind up suffering alongside him inside of the jewel, but if his actions resulted in my death then it would mean it wasn't entirely a slave. It would have been a show of defiance at the very least, but who knows. No point in trying to understand someone who is dead. I don't really want to. I pity him. The sacred jewel turned his desires against him and turned him into a monster, but I still don't forgive him. It's just better not to think about him."
"And you haven't thought about him then? You went back to a normal life eventually returning to InuYasha with no ill effects?"
"What kind of ill effect? Like miasma? Nothing was wrong with me. Why are you even going on about Naraku? I'm not happy we're in this situation, but the bright side is if we have to defeat bad guys it won't be anything like that kind of battle. No demons or creepy jewel magic here."
Sesshoumaru wanted to find comfort in that, but it wasn't true. For example there was a bloodthirsty demonic sword on the premises buried beneath the very ground she slept. He was happy Kagome was finding some peace in her situation, but wasn't satisfied with how off guard she was becoming. Exactly what was it with this woman? If she wanted to truly give up her powers and arrows then that was of no concern to him. Obviously she needed to be in the position of something that needed to be protected and cared for if he was to use her to grow his power, but part of him was still yearning for that return to form. For her to return to the woman he saw stand up against Naraku.
"No reason," Sesshoumaru shook his head, "in my moments of peace during your slumber I wasted my time thinking on your companions and what I can recall of them. Naraku's meddling caused Kikyo's death and InuYasha's deep sleep. He also cursed the monk's family line while trying to completely wipe out the demon slayer's. You, however, escaped his tracheary unscathed. Does this have you feeling fortunate or scared?"
"No one faced Naraku and was unscathed," Kagome sighed, "maybe that's why I feel the way I do. What right did I have to ever compare myself to Sango or InuYasha or any of the others? I haven't been through the pain they've been through. I can't even imagine it. Naraku hurt others by using their loved ones against them. He couldn't do that to me. He didn't know about my family or could get to them even if he did. All I could ever do is feel guilty for having so much and taking it for granted while my friends suffered, but he's gone now and they are all happy now aren't they? That's what matters."
Kagome's words were full of sorrow and actually managed to eat away at Sesshoumaru. Not enough to get him to explain to Kagome that Naraku attempted to do something to her inside of his body. Giving her that information wouldn't result in anything other than her worrying herself further. If Naraku truly had done something that had lasting effects they weren't in a position to do anything about it now. Her knowing wouldn't help.
"I've upset you then?" he inquired, "I apologize."
"You were just asking questions," Kagome didn't think he needed to apologize, "you could do worse to upset me I guess. Anyway I need just a bit of alone time okay? Need to look presentable and think of ways to explain you to Yuka."
"You told the human boy I was InuYasha's brother," Sesshoumaru reminded her.
"You're saying that as though it's a lie. You are InuYasha's brother and that would make you my brother-in-law, well kind of sort of. This one might need to be a lie. I need to convince Yuka you are someone who can help us and that she doesn't need to worry. Also why do you keep calling Hojo that human boy? He's actually one year older than me."
"I do not know this boy and he looks like a boy. I'm not like Naraku or InuYasha. I no longer call you a girl. You are a woman Kagome. I call those that act and look like children the titles of children."
Kagome thought about all the dialogue she'd exchanged with Sesshoumaru in the years that followed Naraku's death. He actually hadn't called her a girl, and if he had it had been when she was going through her post well closing hysterics. Had it been a subtle show of respect she had never noticed until explained?
"Thanks I guess," she felt flush, "I learn something new about you every day. Maybe one day you'll explain to me how you're a Lord that doesn't have a castle, or any property, or any belongings at all outside of what you carry."
Kagome noticed then that Sesshoumaru was still carrying around that dictionary and thought about the pile of what she had considered trash that he had in the shed.
"Unless your the Lord of that dictionary now," Kagome thought out loud, "Sesshoumaru the demon Lord of Literacy. Has a nice ring to it."
Sesshoumaru was being mocked by the woman again and waved a hand in dismissal, "Do what you need to do human. There is only one more thing. The locket that you wear-"
"It's right here," Kagome said tracing her fingers around her chest grasping at nothingness, "I told you I found it right? It was beneath my pillow where I left it."
Well it seemed that problem wasn't fixed yet. Sesshoumaru had a brief moment of doubt where he was wondering if he was the one who was seeing things, but he trusted in his eyes and knew there was no locket there. Kagome still hadn't fully returned to reality no matter how real her words sounded.
Kagome didn't know why Sesshoumaru was asking about her locket and didn't really care as she hurried herself back into the bathroom with a new change of clothes. Once she spoke with Yuka she would show Sesshoumaru something neat from her time and perhaps they could all go to bed that night satisfied with some sort of plan in mind. That was what she hoped for, but instead she found herself falling to her knees the moment she saw herself in the mirror.
"Why?" she asked herself as her voice trembled, "why is it one thing after another? If I have to be in this world why can't I just be here? My mind is always somewhere else always with everything so complicated. InuYasha you told me several times that my place was here, you even became adamant about it towards the end, but it's not true. No matter where I am all I can think about is another time and place and if everyone else there is happy. I can't keep doing this. I can't. I have to think about this baby now and what to do with Sesshoumaru."
Sesshoumaru. What even was that dream? Kagome had almost gotten sucked into believing that her dreams in that dark place actually mattered and were trying to tell her something, but then that happened. Maybe it was just stupid hormones. Obviously it was messed up and not at all realistic. She actually told Sesshoumaru she wanted to be his breeding bitch? She didn't even want to think about it, but yet her mind kept wandering back to it and his question about rutting. She wanted to be disturbed, but yet thinking about all of that was better than the true realization she had. What she had forgotten about during all the shock of being back in her own time.
No forgotten was the wrong term. It wasn't that she had forgotten about what had happened, she just didn't want to accept it. She wanted to run away from it and create an image of her hero husband that was waiting for her on the other side of the well. She had created a lie to run away from her fears.
"InuYasha where did you get those scratches?" Kagome had asked her husband when he walked into Miroku and Sango's unoccupied hut she'd been resting in.
"Don't worry about it Kagome," InuYasha growled putting his claws against his cheek where three visible claw marks could be seen, "if it doesn't involve you it ain't none of your concern."
"Fine then," Kagome released a heavy sigh as she seemed defeated sitting on the ground to take a rest.
"Fine then?" InuYasha's ears twitched, "that's all you have to say? The Kagome I know would have been all up in my face or told me to sit for being an idiot and keeping secrets. Are you still even you or has your wifely duties or this whole miko thing of yours got you thinking you need to submissive all of a sudden?"
Kagome looked up at him quite annoyed, "You want me to tell you to s-i-t? I told you when we got married I wasn't going to do that anymore. If you don't want to tell me then don't tell me. I'm sure you got them messing with some stupid demon when hanging out with Miroku. I don't know why you still wear the beads. I told you I'd take them off. I wanted to do it at our ceremony to show I trust you, but you wear them like some kind of battle scar."
InuYasha growled as his claws went from his face to his necklace, "They are a fucking battle scar. I endured that bullshit for so long and you just wanted to take them away for some kind of 'cute' gesture of good faith at our wedding. Doesn't all that wedding stuff mean something to you humans? Well the beads mean something to me and I'll keep them if I want."
"You don't want them," she looked at the ground refusing to believe InuYasha saw any sort of symbolism in the beads, "you wear them to get at me because you hate that we got married. It's just like this whole hut thing. You don't want to get one because if we have a home together it means you lost. Poor InuYasha would look like a tamed demon if he appeared to be someone that settled down."
The tone Kagome spoke in was the spark required to ignite a fire in InuYasha. It was going to be one of those evenings it seemed.
"You're one to fucking talk Kagome. Are you accusing me of being the passive aggressive one? We've done this so many times now I know your little game. If I'm upsetting you so much why don't you ever say anything anymore? You don't because you wait for me to get mad and say something stupid so you can be the innocent little Kagome who has an idiot for a husband. Yeah you're right I didn't want to fucking marry you, because I knew it would result in shit like this. You women are all the same, once you start putting titles on things you start expecting things, and when you don't get what you want you get all pissy. I haven't been around humans that much in my life but even I know a trap when I see one."
"Trap!?" Kagome was trying to keep her cool not wanting to stoop down to his level of yelling, "it means something to me InuYasha. Marrying me was suppose to mean that we love each other and want to live in a house together and start a family and be loyal and all that other stuff."
"All that other stuff? See this is exactly what I'm talking about. You are adding expectations to something that doesn't need to be that complicated, and don't you even start with that family thing. I never needed to make any vows or take you for a wife because I already made my intentions quite clear a while ago. In your bedroom before we fought Naraku I made you a promise Kagome. I'll protect you no matter what. That's what I'm doing and that's what I'll continue to do because I love you. I keep these beads around my neck because that creature you put them on that tried to kill you to get a stupid jewel doesn't exist anymore. Why can't you understand that? You say I'm afraid of marriage because it makes me look tame. How do you think these damn beads make me look?"
"Like someone who is afraid of me!" Kagome shouted, "someone that isn't with me because they love me but someone who is doing what I say because I'll force them into the ground with one word."
Kagome was upset so she wasn't thinking clearly. If she was she would have been more understanding. Obviously the beads did mean something to InuYasha. It symbolised the start of their journey together and it was what bound them together. His actions were romantic, but Kagome's need to lash out in frustration over the restrictions InuYasha put in place for her safety were outweighing her common sense.
"See this marriage shit is a trap!" InuYasha proclaimed, "the Kagome I know wouldn't care too much about what everyone else thinks. I'm not afraid of you Kagome. Don't say things like that. Especially not now. Not after what I've been through."
"What have you been through InuYasha? Tell me. All you do anymore is tell me what I should be and shouldn't be doing for my safety while you take off to do whatever with Miroku."
"Oh good. Finally some fight out of you. Too bad it's all about the wrong dumb shit! I'm not out doing whatever. I'm helping him and his family as for what I've been through you wouldn't understand- Kagome?"
InuYasha sighed as he'd known he'd fucked up. There were certain strategies that had be taken into consideration when getting into fights with Kagome. He couldn't remind her that she was unable to have children with him just to turn around and reference Sango and Miroku's happy family. InuYasha wanted to get at her for being such a passive aggressive pain in his side, but he couldn't fault her for being upset about that. There was once a time where he wanted to have pups with her as well, but he was just too fearful for safety to ever allow it.
"Sorry," Kagome apologized trying to hide the sadness in her eyes that she didn't mean to reveal, "just go on then. Tell me what's wrong okay? Just let it all out. Maybe we can fix things."
"Kagome," InuYasha sighed as he knelt down next to her, "I'm beginning to think it's too late. I know it sounds like I'm blaming you for this whole marriage thing, but it shouldn't even matter. It honestly doesn't matter to me at all if you call me husband, mate, or stupid jerk. That's not the problem."
Kagome kept her eyes glued to the ground, "No it is the problem. I got too carried away didn't I? Bridezilla's shouldn't exist outside of my world and I somehow turned into one. Marriage, kids, settling down. I use to read about those ideal lives in magazines and scoff at them and what did I turn around and do? I'm an idiot."
"You're not an idiot. Stop dancing around the problem. You want children and we can't. All of this extra shit is just you punishing me and yourself. I was hoping you would let go after a while. I mean you watch after a lot of kids and then there is Shippou, so I thought things would get better, but I was wrong."
"I want to be the one who is wrong," Kagome hated the way he spoke of their situation, "why do I need to be a child to be happy? That's how a lot of women from this time think, that's not how I should be thinking."
"Don't look to me for answers. I don't know how you women think. I thought wanting babies was normal and now you're saying it's not for you. You have me all confused."
"I try not to think about the truth InuYasha," Kagome's hands began to tremble a little, "but what you said last time we were under the stars together about Kikyo has me scared. About how you want to me to live as long as possible since you're a-
"Half-demon," InuYasha's eyes filled with sorrow, "Kagome that's what's going on isn't it? I'm sure you want a family, I wanted one to, but I think you want to have children for the wrong reasons. You're going to leave me one day. I'm going to be alone. No you. No Kikyo, or the rest of our friends. Just fucking Shippou."
Kagome tried to contain her tears, "Is it really that wrong of a reason? The way you said that is just sad. It's not like I expect you to mourn me forever and truly be alone, but I'm afraid that if I do die you won't be you anymore. You'll go back to that angry half-demon that wants to throw away his human heart and you'll forget how much you've grown. If you had children to love and that love you you'll always have a part of me. It will be something we've built together."
InuYasha put his hand over Kagome's, "I think it is wrong Kagome. You obviously don't have much faith in me if you think that's what I'll become. That's what the beads are for remember? I'll never forget you, but that's part of the problem. You and what happened to Kikyo. Kagome I love you, at least I want to, but to be honest I don't think I know how. When I look at you my heart should skip a beat and I should want to kiss you, but all I can see is how unhappy you are and how I can't stand to watch anything bad happen to you. I don't know if that is love. I don't know if it's right. In order to make you happy I have to risk your life. I can't win. Don't you understand Kagome?"
"You're the one not understanding! You have everything all twisted up in your head InuYasha. You say our marriage doesn't mean anything, but yet what you told me in my bedroom is what you cling to? I never asked to be protected. Not in that way. The pregnancy would be risky, but so is all pregnancies in your world, and when it comes to you losing control I already said I'm not scared InuYasha. You'd never hurt me. It's okay to risk things for our happiness isn't it?"
InuYasha was silent as he brought his hand back up to the scratches on his cheek, "It don't work like that Kagome. Even the slightest possibility of me killing you isn't worth any risk, and yeah I guess my thoughts are twisted. Sorry for wanting to see you live and enjoy your life. Sorry I at least hope you'll live long enough to get a wrinkle on your face before seeing you get buried. If I have to live in a world where that old hag Kaede outlives you I'll be damned."
If the common sense part of Kagome's brain was working she'd try to be understanding of what InuYasha was telling her. He understood fully the pain he was causing her and was trying to explain to her in the best way he honestly could why he was taking such extreme measures. He was afraid, and instead of the two of them talking it out more and coming to some kind of compromise or understanding Kagome allowed the sadness and anger that was building inside of her for a while to take control.
Her and InuYasha were on the ledge of no return already, and it had been Kagome that stumbled and brought them to their fall.
"If I die," Kagome looked up at him with anger in her eyes, "maybe you should learn Urasue's magic. Bring me back in a body made of clay. You might prefer me then. Then you won't have to worry about it anymore."
Tears returned to her as her cheek stung. InuYasha had smacked her hard across the face and brought a little bit of his claws into the action. Silence befell the hut for a whole five minutes before he finally spoke.
"I didn't want to do that," InuYasha hissed eyes narrowed to the floor, "I never thought I'd have to do that Kagome, but you gave me no choice. I had to bring you back to reality and make you think about what you just said and how fucking stupid it was. Are you even listening to yourself and the shit you've been saying? We were happy you idiot. I've loved you probably longer than you've loved me even if you never realized it, but then you turned around and wanted more. You had happiness already Kagome. I know it's my fault since I'm a scared idiot, but you're to blame to you know? You created these desires and expectations, but was what I wanted really so bad? Do you really think I'm the kind of guy that would just turn around and forget about what you meant to me and return to who I use to be just because I don't have any children with you?"
InuYasha's voice began to crack as tears were flowing from his own eyes, "That's the problem Kagome don't you understand? I wanted things to stay the same because I thought we were already happy. We were weren't we?"
Kagome closed her eyes as it hurt her to see InuYasha shed tears over their relationship falling apart, "We were. You made me happy InuYasha."
"You made me happy Kagome," InuYasha rubbed his eyes, "we were happy but you wanted more. I denied you and we became enemies. I don't know who is right and who is wrong, but this can't work. It never could. I can't look at you and feel love anymore because I'm already mourning you and who you use to be, and that isn't fair to you. It's okay for you to become a different person. You're still growing up after all, you can't be fifteen forever, but you'll be gone before I can catch up to you."
InuYasha was wrong. He was mistaking Kagome's actions for that of someone who was growing up when the truth was she was the one being immature. She was the one who took the route of immaturity by being passive aggressive instead of stating what was on her mind in an understanding way. If their marriage was truly doomed she did nothing to delay its demise while InuYasha had been the one trying the best he could.
"We can't give up InuYasha," Kagome still tried to cling for a live saving rope that wasn't there, "it doesn't end like this. It's not right. You always protected me, you came and saved me from the sacred jewel. I can't repay you by hurting you like this."
"It's not a fairy tale," InuYasha whispered, "just cause we killed Naraku doesn't mean we live happily ever after together, and don't sell yourself short and hang on to something that makes you unhappy because you feel like you owe me something. You never asked to be protected remember? Besides you didn't need me. You knew how to destroy the jewel the whole time. I just slowed you down. Kagome the truth is you should have never come back. This isn't your world. You don't belong here. You only came here to be used by that damn jewel. Your world is where your family is. There you don't need to worry about falling in love with idiot half-demons cause they aren't there, and if you want to have a family with some guy there it will be okay. You said no one dies of child birth that often with your fancy doctors and what not right? You should have stayed."
"InuYasha," Kagome couldn't believe what she was hearing, "just stop. This is just another fight isn't it? You told me what you said to the jewel. I was born for you and you were born for me. I'm not apart of your world just because that jewel was inside of me. I'm here for you, I've just been making mistakes is all."
"I said it then and I believe it now. You made me a better person Kagome and you became stronger, but that doesn't mean we have to be together. At least not the way you want us to. Kagome I already know what you're thinking. You want to make this all go away by accepting everything I wanted from our relationship. You do that you'll be unhappy and I'll feel like shit again. The only way I believe you can be happy and safe is for you to find a way back to your own time. Your mother's birthday is coming up isn't it? The day you visit the well. When you go to it I want you try jumping in it."
"I won't!" Kagome interjected, "I'm not going to send myself away just because you asked me to. My life is here now."
"Just try it Kagome. Miroku and I are going away for a few days. If your heart is truly still in this world then I'm sure it won't take you. If it doesn't then we'll figure out where to go from there. I'll still look out for you, you'll still be my friend, but it won't be like before. I won't get in the way of your happiness anymore."
InuYasha then put a gentle kiss on top of Kagome's forehead, "But if you're gone when I return that would be easier. It'd be like you never left. I'll know that you're with your family that loves you and nothing will stop you from having the life you want. I won't have to watch you be sad anymore. I'll know your safe. Not having you around is the same as protecting you. Even if it means protecting you from yourself. So if that happens this is goodbye Kagome."
The truth. Kagome's reality had become so distorted she was running away from the truth and what really happened, and why she felt she deserved to be punished. She had been lying to herself when explaining why she was so fearful of not returning to InuYasha. She made it seem like it was cruel for her to be ripped away from him with no closure or proper goodbye when they had indeed had one. She couldn't rely on InuYasha to force the well to open on his side because she was where he wanted her, and she couldn't rely on herself because she didn't deserve it.
"InuYasha," Kagome cried reaching up and putting her hand on the mirror, "I'm not happy. Sango will tell you the truth won't she? I didn't come back to my time to find my family happily awaiting my return. I screwed things up by just up and leaving the way I did. I never would have known if I hadn't come back. It's good I can fix things now, but this isn't what you wanted. Sesshoumaru is here with me and I'm pregnant with his child against my will. I'm not knocked by some prince charming human I love who is going to rush me to the hospital. I'm going to give birth to a hanyou, in secret, probably in that dark dingy shed. If things go wrong my survival is dependent on Sesshoumaru's sword, and his sword alone. This isn't what you wanted, and you know Sesshoumaru is up to something. I can just tell he is. I might've been dumb enough to screw up our relationship but I'm not that dumb. He knows how to kill and fight, but he isn't a damn actor. Being all polite to my family and being concerned with how upset I am? He is working towards something and it isn't going to be good. InuYasha I need you. I never tried jumping through the well. I was forced into it. I never intended to try. We still could have fixed things haven't we?"
"Yeah well you'll never know because you never got the chance."
That voice. Kagome's heart skipped a beat. InuYasha? That was InuYasha's voice.
Kagome turned around and was in shock when she saw her husband leaning against the wall wearing his hoari with his arms crossed in all of his glory.
"InuYasha," Kagome gasped, "you came for me?"
"Turn around," InuYasha said spinning his finger in a circular fashion.
Kagome didn't know what compelled her to follow his orders but she turned back towards the mirror and looked at her reflection. There was no one standing behind her. InuYasha wasn't really there.
"I'm not here neither is that locket," InuYasha's voice responded coldly, "I bet Sesshoumaru did something to it. You're right that idiot is probably up to something, but as long as he ain't hurting you or tearing things up does it really matter?"
"You're not here," Kagome's voice broke still staring in the mirror at nothing, "is this an illusion? Is Amethyst the one doing this to me?"
"Don't know who that is," InuYasha replied, "the bitch that threw you in the well maybe? Kagome this isn't some kind of demonic illusion. It's your own. You wanted to see me so badly and now I'm here. Honestly though you don't really need me. You don't need any of it. Don't listen to your damn dreams. You don't deserve to be punished for anything. People have done much worse than ruin a relationship by being a self-absorbed git. People make mistakes, and now it's time to move on."
"Move on to what!?" Kagome pounded her fist against the mirror, "I keep messing up. I keep hurting people. How can I make things better if my mind is playing tricks on me? How can I accept that we were done when I didn't even get time to work it out? Seeing your face when you're not really here isn't going to help me."
"I understand it's barely been a week since we've been apart," InuYasha's voice sounded sympathetic, "but this pregnancy of yours doesn't give a shit now does it? Everyone's been telling you to take care of yourself and it's about time you've listened. You keep worrying about what everyone else is going through and what everyone else thinks and because of that you never got to heal. You still have your family and you haven't seen anyone close to you die, but Kagome that battle with Naraku and being inside that jewel took its toll on you to. I never said anything, but I understood, that's why I allowed you to act out the way you did, but enough's enough."
"Stop," she cried, "nothing you say matters. You're not the real InuYasha. This isn't my closure."
"It might not be Kagome, but I'm here for you nonetheless. This, all the guilt, all the punishment, don't you understand why it's got to be this way Kagome? It's just your way of protecting yourself, and that's okay. You might not want protection, but you need it. This momentary lapse of sanity is what's protecting you."
"Protecting me? Protecting me from what? What's happening to me InuYasha? Am I sick?"
She was seeing things and hearing voices. She had to be sick in the head if this wasn't some sort of demonic illusion. All this time everyone had been telling her to stop worrying about others and instead focus on herself. She didn't listen, and now she was faced with this and her restless dreams.
"Protecting you from the pain of truly breaking," InuYasha shook his head, "I was keeping something from you Kagome because I thought I could control it but I believe you can handle it on your own. Sesshoumaru is here for you to. He might be more helpful than me since he's real and all. I want to say hell would probably freeze over before you can truly rely on Sesshoumaru, but he's already been helping you hasn't he? Keeping you grounded. That's good."
InuYasha telling her to rely on Sesshoumaru? This truly was twisted. Kagome had come to the bathroom to be alone with her thoughts, so she could have the right to be pissed at InuYasha for daring to think her being back in her world was a better fate and this was what she was getting?
"Pull it together Kagome," InuYasha ordered her, "your friend Yuka is going to be here soon. Cry about this shit later alright? Helping others instead of feeling guilt and worry is going to make you feel much better than what you've been doing. Trust me. Just be yourself and calm down. Do that and you won't fall to despair. I don't want to see you in pain anymore."
"Pain and despair," Kagome repeated to herself.
The way her dreams and this illusion of InuYasha spoke of her knowing pain was reminding her of something, but she couldn't grasp it. She reached to the back of her neck as she tried to remember, but shook her head before doing her best to ignore her ailing mind and prepare to have herself a reunion with her friend.
(End Chapter)
AN: This chappie did not go as intended or expected at all, but when I get plagued with an idea it seems best to just explore it. Next chapter will probably be long since I'm pretty much writing five chapter arcs at this point and more of Takemaru is going to be explored. Yes there is the Sounga, Takemaru, and now apparently Naraku is making moves from beyond the grave. Sorry if it all went from slice of life of Sess in the modern world to complicated plot stuff, but I tend to do that. Oh and yeah Inu and Kag p much broke up and it's because Kag turned irrational. Neither are blameless but I also enjoy Kagome becoming a very flawed individual since this is an adult Kagome and not the fifteen year old from the series. It's realistic that a person can sometimes change and not always for the better, but she'll work it out. Just don't mistake the more rational Sesshoumaru for good guy Sesshoumaru. Kagome isn't falling for it and neither should you. He has his own flaws that are just less obvious at the moment.