Missing Alice Chapter 14: 11:00am, a twilight fanfic

A/N: Don't kill us for the super late update... we come with a super long chapter! Our LATE Christmas present to you all! I'm going to be posting the next chapter straight after this, so you get two! YAY! I won't write a lot here, this is a long chapter for you to get thru, so ENJOY!

Thanks again to everyone who reviewed and added us to your favourites and alerts lists.

Disclaimer: Copyright of original story & characters Stephenie Meyer.

POVs: Jasper

August 3rd 2009

11:00am

JPOV

My face was pressed into my pillow when I woke and I was eternally grateful as I could feel the wetness on the pillow and it muffled my choked cries. It was only then that I realised I was in a different room to my bedroom at home, I reminded myself that I was at university… in my dorm room. I blushed hard as I sat up and looked nervously to my right… I sighed in relief to know I was alone; the last thing I wanted was for my roommate to see me cry. He seemed the type of guy to never let things go and would probably tease me for the rest of my life here, probably come up with a nickname and call me cry baby. I cringed at the thought.

I turned around on my bed, looking for the source of the ringing that had woken me. Once I finally located my phone I coughed and cleared my throat, hoping I could hide the tears from my many painful nightmares last night, I hated remembering that day. It never did get any better did the pain; the numbness, which I had later perfected, helped a lot. But once that barrier shut down it was like no other pain, nothing in the world could compare to it… I shuck the memories from my thoughts. When I saw the caller ID I worked extra hard to act casual and normal… "Hello." I answered before they had chance to speak first.

"Hey Jazzykins, I hope I didn't disturb your first night in college." I could literally picture him winking at his words, especially when he drawled out disturbed in his own perverted way, but I expected nothing less than dirty minded comments from Emmett.

"If you're talking about what I know you're talking about, then no, you didn't disturb me." I sighed heavily and wiped my face; feeling slowly drying tears still streaked down both my cheeks. I moved the phone away from my mouth and cleared my throat once again, making it sound like I was coughing. My nightmares from last night were still replaying at the back of my head and I was finding it hard to ignore them.

"Dude, you're in college and you haven't even gotten laid yet?" His voice was full of disbelief.

"Em, I got here at 2:00am this morning, getting laid is not exactly the first thing on my to-do-list." I mentally cringed the moment I said to-do-list knowing Emmett would spin it around.

"So what is on your to-do-list… and you better end this list with wanting to do a few chicks because I know there's plenty of hot ass there, girls are just begging for it at our age. I mean, that's what college is all about, sex." He warned me.

"Aw, such a pretty mouth, Emmett. I bet Esme is so proud of you." I gushed in mock pride.

"Well." He ignored my teasing.

"Em, doing chicks isn't on my to-do-list. No." I hated the way he talked about sex and women, he was so crude. Sometimes I wonder what my sister sees in him and I hope to God he didn't refer to her in the way he does other women… if I ever found out he did, I didn't fancy my chances of winning that fight.

"Jazz, you really need-" I cut him off before he could begin lecturing me.

"I'm putting the phone down now Emmett, I don't want to talk about her." Not right now, especially after I've just spent the whole night crying over her. I mentally added the last part. It wasn't hard to guess what he wanted to talk about, he's a very open person and not at all tactical about the way he went about swaying the conversation to how he wanted it to go.

"Oh come on Jazz, don't hang up." His tone was now caring and full of sympathy. I hated it.

"Don't Em, please." I whispered and I could feel a lump forming in my throat. What the fuck was wrong with me today? Why was I being such a big girl? I sucked in a few deep breaths and worked on the numbness, begging it to wash over me.

"How are you finding it anyway? Being away from… Forks… must be different. Hope you haven't forgotten us already." He fake laughed at the last part. He wasn't going to drop it, Emmett never does.

"No, I haven't forgotten about Alice and I'm glad. I don't want to forget her…" I replied bluntly but it was the only way to go with him. I knew that wasn't really what he wanted to hear from me, but I could tell he wanted to breach the subject of Alice, a topic I never took lightly.

"I'm sorry." He sighed and paused for a while. "But you really should think about finding a girl while your there… I really think it could do you some good." He whispered and I could tell he was wary that I would put the phone down on him because he was choosing his words carefully.

"I know. I just need time to get used to being away from everyone and Forks. It's the only place that holds memories of her." My voice cracked on the last word. "I want to move on Em, I really want to stop remembering her everyday and feeling this way, but at the same time I don't ever want to forget her and move on." I only ever opened up to Rose and I was feeling uncomfortable opening up to Emmett like this, but like always, he manages to get what he wants.

"We all miss her too and think about her everyday… but you're the only person I can't relate to or any of us for that matter." I was confused over his words.

"What do you mean?" I voiced my question.

"Well… I mean, she was my little sister and I cared so much for her and looked out for her, as any big brother does. But with you, she was the love of your life, I can't relate to that because I still have my Rose. I can't even begin to understand how you feel. But I do know that if I lost her, I'd probably be reacting the same way as you are now, not wanting to move on in case it meant that I was forgetting her. But I also know that Rose would want me to find love again, like I would want for her… I know Ali would have wanted that Jazz." He finished and his voice sounded far away.

"You don't know that. We were only ten years old." I creased my forehead; I knew I was being stubborn for trying to prove his words wrong, when I knew they were right.

"So you're telling me that she wasn't the love of your life just because you were ten years old and you're just being fake and pathetic by moping over someone you don't really care for?" He tried to contradict me, proving his own point further.

"No, I'm not saying that…" I was getting a little frustrated and I was pissed he had managed to make me open up about this stuff. I liked to keep my feelings bottled up, it was the way I had managed to cope all these years on my own. I had avoided at all costs speaking to any of the Cullen's about my feelings because if anyone knew how I felt about Alice, it was them and I just couldn't for the life of me be around them and feel their pain on top of mine.

I'm only human and I can only take so much pain before I finally break down and show everyone that I'm pathetically weak, broken and still heartbreakingly in love with someone that doesn't even exist in this world anymore. Men have too much pride; I suppose I've been trying to hold onto the last bit of dignity and pride I have left. I'm not completely broken, but I would never be healed completely again.

"Jazz…" He started but I stopped him before he could pull more feelings out of me. I just wasn't in the mood to be emotionally drained, not when it was only 11:00am and my first day away from Forks.

"Em I have to go, I've got this event to go to and school supplies to get before lessons start on Wednesday." I rubbed my right hand over my forehead and frowned. I was impressed how I managed to lie quickly and smoothly for the first part, but the second was a certainty. I really needed to shop and at least that gave me something to do today, instead of locking myself in here and hiding from the dreadful events.

"Okay dude. Enjoy this experience, it's what you need!" As everyone keeps on telling me.

"Will do." I replied dryly, lacking all enthusiasm.

His booming laugh echoed in my ear. "Wow, don't get too excited over there." I had to laugh with him, his laugh was infectious and no matter your mood you just had to join in.

After I finally stopped laughing I could reply. "Your right, I'm being all bummed out for no reason, time to enjoy myself for a change." I was impressed again at my falseness.

"That's the spirit." He chuckled and I was pleased that at least his mood was lighter. "Later dude, call us if you need anything. Oh and Rose said hey, along with Eddie and Bells." I laughed at his nickname for Edward. Edward cried like a baby when Emmett started calling him that at age seven, he never let it drop either.

"You should stop calling him that, you know… Tell them all I said hey back and pass my love along to Rose for me." I liked how he didn't mention my parents, not like my dad would have anything to say to me and my mum wouldn't in fear of upsetting my dad. The things she does for him angers me.

"Will do." We said bye once more and I put the phone down. As soon as I did, it fell deadly quite… I didn't like it one bit. I pealed the covers from my body and knew that a nice warm shower was much needed and would ease away my stress from last night. Plus I really need to get out of this room, I was starting to feel a little claustrophobic in this small space and I never feel that way… It was probably due to the fact I was in a strange land, starting a fresh new life at university, away from my family and friends. Yeah, that was it.

I stood up quickly which caused head rush and a shooting pain at the back of my head; I winced loudly and closed my eyes counting to ten until the rush went away. I brought my hand to the back of my head to feel a tiny lump, which I now remembered was from falling last night to my roommate hooking up with one of the girls here. I had fallen over my suitcase backwards and smacked my head hard on the floor. I groaned and opened my eyes, I felt fine now, but the bump was throbbing now my mind was alerted to the memory.

My mood was getting sourer; I needed that shower and quick. I spun around on the spot, ignoring the throbbing with difficulty and flattened out my bed sheets. Unlike some dirty fucker, I had good bedroom manors. Once I was done I turned and saw my roommate Luke's bed, which was still creased but at least the smell of his previous night had almost finally vanished, it was still a bit musty in here and my sudden developed claustrophobia wasn't easing one bit.

There was about an arm stretch of a gap between our two beds, it was really tight and I didn't like it at all. I also didn't like Luke and if he pissed me off anymore with his late night hook ups or rude, degrading comments about women and sex or if he even refers to me as bro again, I would have to consider asking someone if I could move rooms. He was like an extreme version of Emmett, and Emmett was a handful and a lot to take in. I sighed heavily with a groan; I knew I was being picky and moody for no reason at all, so I forced myself to calm down.

It was now light in the room and I could finally for the first time take in my new dorm room properly. Last night it was dark and I was so badly sleep deprived that I just couldn't find the energy in me to even appreciate my new room which I would be spending the next few years living in. Now that I could finally take it all in, it wasn't so bad… we had a desk each at the head of our beds which were both next to the large window that you immediately see as you walk into the room. At the bottom of our beds we each had our own closet and a chest with mirrors. We had to share a large set of draws though which was placed under the window, but I could learn to deal with that. I noticed that the beds folded up into couches too… it wasn't as bad as I thought it was, my sudden feeling of claustrophobia over the small space was eased.

I saw that my clothes were still left in disarray on the floor where I had dropped them there last night before crawling into bed. I picked each item up and placed them on my bed. Afterwards I pulled my suitcase onto the bed which was where I had left it last night after I had flung it against my closet door, too tired to even think about unpacking. I unzipped it slowly and my heart started to beat wildly against my chest with sudden panic. I stopped before I lifted it open and I had to calm myself again… I knew what was wrong with me, my whole body was protesting over the thought of unpacking. It was pathetic of me and totally stupid, but I knew that if I unpacked it would only clarify that I was actually staying here… living here. Away from Forks…

I gritted my teeth together and lifted the lid, I rummaged for my towel, my toiletries and clean clothes before I zipped it back up and threw it into my closet slamming the door shut behind it. I knew this whole University life was going to be hard… but I never imagined it would be this tough. I had tried to prepare myself for this but maybe I just wasn't ready… Was I rushing into this too quickly? Would I ever be ready to take such a huge step? I was beginning to think this was all a huge mistake. I was mentally unfit to do this, my whole body was fighting against the idea of being here; I couldn't even unpack my fucking suitcase! I shook my head and remembered my promise to Rose… one month; just give it one month for her. I would do just that, I couldn't quit so soon.

I was still in my boxers, so I pulled on some black sweats which I had pulled out of my suitcase in my haste, I knew that everyone was at the events the University was holding for everyone to get to know each other, so I wasn't worried about anyone seeing me half naked as I try to find the bathroom. I put my keys in my pocket and piled up my clean clothes in my arms, toothbrush, toothpaste and shampoo on top and I took in a few deep breaths before I left my new room.

The hallway was empty and I didn't realise I was tensing until my shoulders relaxed. I turned and locked the door, then walked down the hallway to where I assumed the bathroom was. I knew prior to me moving here, after doing a bit of research on The Moody Towers, that everyone shared a bathroom according to your gender, there were two large bathrooms. It wasn't hard to miss when I saw the little blue man and the little pink woman on the two doors next to each other. Again, it wasn't far from my room, as the lift wasn't, I knew I got lucky with the room I was given, minus the obnoxious roommate, but life's not perfect.

I shouldered the door open and was met by a steam filled room, my skin immediately formed beads of sweat like I had just walked into a sauna. I tried to blink past the steam, but it was hard to see past it. I knew from my research that there were five showers in separate stalls with personal changing areas, one tub with a locking door, six sinks with mirrors and up to five urinals. I was glad I remembered the information or I would have been stood here for hours until the steam eased away… I could hear some mumbling in the back of the room where I now assumed the steam was coming from so I made my way over to the shower area, scared to death of tripping and cracking my head on the floor once again.

The noises became more prominent and I realised it was a group of guys but I couldn't see them because they were each in their own separate stalls. I was glad when I found one empty and I let myself in.

"When did you say you got here again, Mark?" One of the guys asked.

"Friday, why?" Mark replied over his stall.

"Never mind, I thought I heard sometime telling me you hooked up with that cute little dark haired girl during last week… I forgot her name, Alisha, Alicia or Alice maybe, I dunno." I froze my movements at his description and my heart accelerated into overdrive.

"Nah mate; that was Julian and her name was Alice." Another guy replied.

"Oh man… have you seen that tight little ass of hers, I can't wait to jump on that ride." One of them remarked and I felt both my hands clench into tight fists.

"You and me both." One of them wolf whistled and I realised my breathing was getting out of control. Is this University full of sexed up perverted teenagers, with no respect for women or themselves?

"She's defiantly the hottest on this campus-" Whoever was speaking was interrupted.

"Alright fuckers." A deep voice yelled out.

"Julian, just the man we want to talk to!" I heard myself groan and I turned on my shower, hoping it would drown out their conversation. I knew I was being irrational and stupid by linking the Alice they are talking about with mine, but I was reacting badly to it nonetheless. I quickly pulled off my clothes and threw them in my little changing area next to the shower and jumped under the spray.

"What about?" To my utter annoyance, they were still loud and clear. Can I have a break, please?

"Alice." Was all they needed to say in sync with each other.

"Oh guys, you have experienced nothing like it… she's the cutest girl I've ever been with." Julian replied and I heard someone unlock their stall door.

"Dude, don't get all mushy on us will you." I heard them both chuckle.

"I'm not, but honestly, if I ever decided it was time to settle down, that's the girl for me. She's just hot, funny and intelligent and totally not like the other girls here, easy and slutty, not to mention they each have about one brain cell." Julian gushed out like he was totally in love with her. I felt sicker by the minute. They all laughed at his comment, loud and throaty, it made my skin crawl.

"Easy and slutty isn't always such a bad thing…" The guy out of the stall replied and one other joined them outside.

"I agree with my friend George here… University isn't about finding a girlfriend, it's about having fun and fucking as many girls as possible… don't get all pussy whipped on us and start dating some chick. This Alice girl isn't the one." I recognized the voice to be Marks.

"I know… I know…" Julian replied but I could detect he was slightly uncomfortable or maybe he was hiding something from them.

"So… tell us what she's like." They all egged their friends comment on and thankfully I couldn't hear Julian reply at first.

"…she was up for anything I wanted to do, it was amazing." I quickly washed my body and tried my best to block out his voice and the eager comments that were spurring his story on. "…she is so tiny too and flexible, you wouldn't imagine the positions she could bend into, oh maaaaan." He trailed out and I roughly moved onto my hair, putting too much shampoo into the palm of my hand and too roughly applying it. I was squeezing my eyes shut as he described their night, holding back on no minor details. It was revolting and I knew that the girl would have been humiliated if she overheard what he was saying, the way he was now degrading her. She was no longer the hot, funny and intelligent girl he once described her to be, but now a slutty girl who would do anything to please her man, no matter what he wanted her to do. I was getting angrier by the second and I had to get out of her.

I turned my shower off and I could no longer hear anymore showers, they were all outside laughing over Julian's story. I pulled my towel out from underneath my clothes and wrapped it around my body. I bunched everything up in my arms and wrenched the door open, I was panting with anger and my whole body was vibrating because I couldn't control the shaking. I was furious and I couldn't hold back.

"Do you have no respect for women at all?" I yelled at the top of my lungs, the steam was thick in the air but it was starting to thin now the showers were off.

One of them laughed at me. "Dude, you need to chill out." He smacked his friend on the shoulder lightly with his fist and I gripped onto my clothes for a distraction. I couldn't hit him, I would get beaten to a pulp with these guys, they were all larger than me; sports was clearly their chosen subject here.

"Don't. Tell me. To fucking calm down." I threatened him; each word was laced with venom and anger.

"What the fuck is your problem?" I recognized the voice, it was Julian.

"You're my problem, guys like you talking about women like they are objects instead of people. The way you described your night was disgusting, things like that should be left between the people involved. Were you not brought up with any manors at all?" I fumed, my body heaving with my haggard breaths.

"I think you should watch what you're saying." One of them spat out, matching my anger.

"I think you need to watch what you're saying." I threw back at him.

"I'd leave if I was you…" The same guy threatened back and I was going to take his advice. I was angry but I didn't want a beating. I turned away from them and stormed my way out of the room, leaving behind a room full of laugher that echoed off the ways making it sound like ten guys instead of just five. As soon as the door shut behind me I shot off to my room, still in just my towel which was threatening to fall from my waste.

I flew into my room once I unlocked it and I didn't think as I pulled on my clothes, my skin still damp, my hair still dripping wet. I grabbed my keys once more and my wallet and I got out of there. I shot across the hallway and into the lift, jabbing the button saying 'G' hard. As soon as it pinged I ran out and across the room, just missing a few girls holding books in their arms, telling me to watch out. I didn't know where I was going… I didn't care that I probably just earned the title of being the crazy guy of the year… I didn't feel like belonged here anyway, I needed to get away, I just needed to clear my head.

September 18th 2001.

A month later.

I felt numb. There were no other words to describe it. It felt like an out-of-body experience, like I wasn't really here and what was happening couldn't be true. It just couldn't because it was to awful to even consider and even now after all this time had passed my brain still wouldn't function. It didn't want too… I didn't want it too. I couldn't work through the disaster that was happening. That Alice was gone.

That my Alice was gone.

She was taken from me. Not just me. But from her family and friends. No matter how many times I thought this I just couldn't believe it. Why would anyone want to hurt such an angel? Did she do something so bad to hurt someone? No. She couldn't have. She was too much of a selfless person to do anything so silly as to hurt another human being. She would never willingly harm another person or any living creature, large or small for that matter.

But someone had hurt her. And now she was gone…

Maybe forever…

As much as I hoped not, it was a possibility and that was what scared me the most; never being able to see my precious angel again. It brought tears to my eyes every time I thought of someone hurting her. I could feel her pain no matter where she was and I knew she was scared and unhappy. Why wouldn't she be? She was taken away from the people who loved her the most.

My belly grumbled in protest at the fact I hadn't rarely eaten anything since I found out the dreaded news that fateful day. I just couldn't, no matter how hard I tried for my parents and big sister to eat something and keep it down. I knew it pained them to watch me as I ran for the nearest toilet as I threw up whatever food I had forced down my throat at the time but I couldn't help it. I knew it wasn't healthy and I should try harder but I couldn't. I just couldn't. What would be the point? I knew I was never going to be the same person as before. I would never be truly happy again without my guiding light beside me. I might only be ten years old but she was my everything. People would laugh or think it was cute and adorable, something we would eventually grow out off… but it wasn't. It was true and everything people dreamed of having someday.

And she was taken away from me and it wasn't fair…

I told my dad this and all he had to add to it was, "Sometimes, life isn't fair." He didn't fully understand the situation… Sure, he knew, Alice, we were together every waking minute of everyday so he was bound to know her. But he didn't know her. Not like I did. How could he even begin to understand what it was like to loose someone you know so well both inside and out.

He couldn't. No one could…

Because his guiding light was safe, he knew where she was. Because my mum was still here and he got to see her everyday and he knew she would be there when he woke up in the morning and nothing could harm her… which is a hell of a lot more then I could say for Alice.

"You can't blame him… they were so close." I heard my mum say on the other side of the door I was leaning against.

"It's been longer than a month now! He should have made some progress!" I heard my dad shout back.

"You saw them together… they loved each other." She spoke in a quieter voice, obviously trying to calm my father down.

"Love!" He spluttered out. "He's ten years old for heaven's sake! He doesn't know what love is!" I could tell my dad was getting frustrated with my mum. He didn't believe that children could feel the same thing that grown-ups could. We were just kids after all. How could we understand something so complicated? Grown-ups always underestimated kids. You'd think they would learn after seeing Home Alone. Kids were more than capable of looking after themselves.

"Will you keep your voice down!" My mum hissed. "I don't want him or Rose overhearing."

"I don't care!" My dad spat back. "Sooner or later he's going to have to grow up and deal with it!"

I slid down to the floor with my back against the door and clutched the small photo of Alice smiling in my backyard with no care in the world to my chest as if I was never going to let go. The tears fell and I didn't do anything to stop them. What was the point in trying to hide what I was feeling? My guiding light was gone and I was going to cry all I wanted.

My family was slowly falling apart but there was nothing I could do… or wanted to do for that matter. I hated being so selfish but it was hard. Too hard. And I just couldn't do it anymore. More tears fell and soaked the front of my t-shirt.

I wanted my Alice back and I wanted her back now…

November 3rd 2001.

Three Months Later

I was laying on my bed with my hands resting underneath my head. It was just another pointless day and the seconds ticked by while I stared up at the ceiling thinking about nothing in general. I didn't do any of the things that I usually love to do. I was always playing on my video games trying to beat the high scores set by Edward and Emmett or reading old books about past wars was always fun for me. I always found that sort of stuff interesting. And of course there was the obvious, hanging out with Alice. Which, as much as I wanted, I couldn't do that… In simpler terms… my life sucked. And it was because my Alice wasn't here to enjoy it with me.

I sighed and my bedroom door slammed open. I sat up in shock and stared into the face of my father as he stood there, rage apparent on his face as he looked down upon me. "What the hell is the matter with you?! Snap out of it already, it's been three months!" He shouted, red faced.

I didn't say anything back. I didn't know what to say to that.

"You need to get pass this and move on, son. It's not healthy." His tone wasn't a shout anymore, but he was still heaving and angry.

Yeah, like that would sway me. I didn't care about being healthy… all I cared about was Alice coming back to me.

"Look. She's gone. It's better to just deal with it now instead of letting it linger for as long as possible. She's probably never coming back, so you need to deal with it." He said more forcefully, not holding back on his point, no matter how harsh his words were.

I didn't want to hear about her never coming back. I don't even understand why he's so mad at me. I haven't done anything wrong. Can't a person be sad when they loose a friend? She meant more to me then that. I use to feel it when ever she was around. I still can. It wasn't ever going to go away and I didn't want it too. She would always be apart of me.

I didn't even realise I had started crying until I felt the tears fall onto my arms that were wrapped around myself. I didn't want to be here in front of him anymore so I jumped off my bed and ran for the door, putting as much space between me and him in the process as I could. Not wanting to be anywhere near him than necessary. I slid into the hallway on my socks and ran as fast I could to end, passing my shocked mum on the way down. She could see I was upset but it wasn't her I wanted. There was only one person who could make me feel even a little better and she was waiting for me in her room. I got to the door and heaved it open.

Rose stood there with a shocked expression on her face, eyes glued to the tears streaming down my face. I ran up to her and threw my arms around her slender waist and buried my face into her neck. She wrapped her arms around me instantly and tried calming me down, asking me what happened.

I explained to her what happened in detail as she requested and I could feel her arms tighten around me after every passing minute. To say she was furious with what dad had said was an understatement. She tried telling me it was okay and that he didn't mean it but I could tell she had given up covering up for him. This was the final straw I could see it slowly happening in her face. She pulled me back and looked me deep in the eyes before she finally stormed out of the room pulling me with her until we reached my room where my mum and dad were talking and stomped in, tugging me along.

"What the hell?! You have no right to talk to him like that after everything that's happened!" She screamed at my dad. He looked taken back by how outspoken she was being but soon blinked and realised it was just his little girl. He and Rose used to be close. She was always daddy's girl but they had been drifting apart. She didn't like the way he dealt with me being this way and that's what had slowly caused it.

"He needs to get over it already." He said through clenched teeth. "Why am I the only one who sees this?" He eyed my mum and Rose up first before his eyes landed on me. I looked away immediately and up at Rose. If it was possible, she looked like she had gotten angrier and took in a deep breath before speaking.

"What he needs is comfort. Not you, having a go at him, just because he's upset and lonely over his missing best friend. I would be the same way if it was Emmett." She heaved back, trying her best not to shout.

I knew that was true. I also knew that Emmett liked my sister more then just a friend and I was pretty sure she felt the same way. Emmett was a cool guy but if he ever hurt my sister I would kick him where the sun don't shine. He might be older and much harder but she was my sister and I would do anything to protect her.

"So what if he's still grieving! You would be to in his position. Just lay off okay, there's just no need for it anymore. I'm sick of you coming down on him all the time." She sounded like she was my mother and she felt more of a parent to me, than the two staring down at me. And with that she pulled me out of the room, ignoring my mums surprised expression and back out into hallway towards her room. She closed the bedroom door behind her and sat down next to me on her bed.

"Don't listen to him Jazz okay?" She said pulling me into a hug. I instantly felt myself becoming calmer. "You be upset for as long as you want. He doesn't understand." She pulled away from me a little to look into my eyes. "You have every right to be upset Jazz, I know how close you were with Alice. Everyone did. Nobody expects you to keep going on as if everything's the same… because it's not." She finished in a soft whisper.

I snuggled in closer to her and let her comfort me. "I love you Rose." I whispered. Tears streaming down my face once again, letting them go like she told me I could.

"I love you too baby brother."

May 13th 2002.

6 Months Later

I sighed as I picked at my 'healthy' school meal. These school meals were about as healthy as a McDonald's salad. I hated being here and I wish my mum could have just let me stay in bed all day. I didn't see the point in being here anymore…

I picked a little more at my food and put a little in my mouth, scrunching my face up in disgust. Surely it couldn't be legal to serve this kind of stuff to kids, it was disgusting. I lifted my head a little and stared at the space Alice use to take up in the seat next to me. God, I was so lonely without her. I was the only one sat at the table and I preferred it that way. I would only just bring everyone else down and I didn't want to do that. They were my best friends and I wanted them to be happy even if it meant I was alone. I didn't mind being left with my thoughts. They seemed to be the only thing I talked to these days. I sounded crazy… maybe I was. Either way, I didn't care.

I pushed myself away from the table and dumped my food into the bin before making my way out of the cafeteria. I was walking down the corridor, going nowhere in particular, when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I spun around only to be met by Bella.

"Hey Jazz." She whispered, smiling a little.

"Uh… hi." It came out more like a question. I had no idea what she could want or what she was doing following me. I looked over her shoulder and realised she was alone. I frowned in confusion.

"Edward isn't with me." She said noticing my confused expression. You rarely ever saw one without the other and he was who I was looking for. He was always watching over her, making sure she was safe. I was jealous that they still had that. I sighed and looked at her.

"What do you want then Bella?" I hadn't meant to sound annoyed and I sent her an apologetic smile. She smiled back and took a deep breath.

"I… I just wanted to say… that if you ever needed to talk… then I'm always here." She stammered out, nervously. I could see she was trying to be cautious with her words. She didn't want to hurt me, but the thought of her still having Edward and me not having anybody, made its way to the front of my mind. No, I couldn't talk to her.

"Thanks Bella. But really, I'll be… fine." The look on her face said she didn't believe me.

"Jazz your one of my best friends and I hate to see you like this. I know if I were in your position-" I cut her off harshly.

"Yeah, well your not." I was sick of people saying 'If I were in your position' Yeah IF being the main word… They weren't and they were glad they weren't. It didn't make me angry at them for feeling that because I knew I would be thinking the same thing. I just hated that they always tried to understand how I was feeling when they couldn't even begin to imagine how crappy I felt. Unless this happened to them they would never understand.

"Please just listen." She begged.

"Look Bella, I'm sick of it okay?" My voice rose slightly. "I'm sick of you and the rest of them trying to understand what I'm going through. Well. You. Can't." I said emphasizing on each of the three last words. "So just stay away from me and leave me the hell alone. Got it!" I was slightly shouting now, my anger getting the better of me.

"I… I was just trying to help." She whispered, tears pooling in her eyes.

"Yeah… well don't/" I said in a clipped tone and the tears finally rolled down her cheeks.

"Bella!" I don't think I've ever seen Edward move so fast. He was at her side in an instant with his arms wrapped around her asking her what was wrong. She wasn't saying anything and he finally spun and turned on me.

"What did you do? Why is she crying? What did you say to upset her?" He demanded. He'd spoken so fast I barely understood what he was saying.

"I didn't do anything!" I defended. "She asked if I wanted to talk to her. I said no. End of."

"She wouldn't be crying like this if you had just said no. You're lying," He stated.

"Fine. So I said a little more then just no." I fumed back.

"No it's not fine. You upset her for no reason." He matched my angry tone, still soothing his Bella.

"She-" He cut me off.

"-was just trying to help you!" He finished off my question. "All she wanted to do was check if you were okay. If there was anything you wanted to get off your chest. She was upset Jazz, that one of her friends was so sad and she just wanted to help you. And all you could do was turn around and hurt her for trying to help you feel better." His tone wasn't a shout, but he was clearly pissed off.

Great. Now I felt worst then before. "Good."

I hadn't realised I'd said that out loud. Edward really knew how to make someone feel bad. I knew he was right and it frustrated me even more. Looking at Bella's face I knew I shouldn't have snapped at her like that. Bella would always try to make someone feel better about themselves and she was always shy around people she didn't know. She had tried to get me to open up to her, to help me feel better but my jealousy got the better of me.

"I'm so sorry Bella." I said in a soothing voice. I placed my hand on hers and she gripped my hand. "I was stupid to snap at you like that when all you were trying to do was help me." She sniffled a little and raised her head from Edward's chest. She looked at me for a second before smiling a little.

"It's okay Jazz. I know you didn't mean it." She also didn't hold grudges.

"Just don't let it happen again. Next time I might not be so kind." Edward was looking at me, making sure I understood what he was getting at. I nodded and he released Bella while I gave her a small hug.

"It'll be okay Jazz. I just know it will be." She whispered softly in my ear and I just hoped she was right.

I gave her a tight squeeze then released her. Edward wrapped his arm around her shoulders as she leant into him once more. It hurt too much to look at them, so I diverted my eyes and looked elsewhere.

"You don't think I miss her. That any of us don't miss her." I didn't look at him. I couldn't. "She was my sister Jazz and I was supposed to protect her and somehow she disappeared without me knowing." He said, his voice breaking at the end.

"Come on Edward. I need a tissue for my eyes… lets just… go for a walk before lesson." She gave me an apologetic smile and led Edward away, his head hanging low. He shouldn't blame himself for any of this; it wasn't his fault… but telling him that wouldn't change his opinion.

I heard someone clear their throat and realised Rose had been stood watching me closely. She took a step towards me but I started to back up. She stopped and looked at me with a hurt expression. Before I could even stop myself I turned on my heel and ran off in the opposite direction, looking over my shoulder once making sure she wasn't following. But all I saw was a hurt expression. Rose was the one person I didn't want to hurt but I just needed to be alone. I wanted to keep running and running and never come back.

August 3rd 2002.

One Year Later

It was the anniversary of Alice's disappearance and I felt worst then ever. I felt like I wasn't going to make it through the day. My heart had never felt so heavy and I was very close to ripping it out of my chest just to stop the pain.

Nobody had bothered to console me today and I was glad they hadn't; maybe tomorrow or another day of the year, but not today. Not this day of all days. I don't think I could face feeling like this every year, on this date. Just the thought of having to face this day again brought a shiver down my spine and fear to my heart.

I needed her so, so much and there was nothing I could do about it. I grabbed my IPod from my bedside table and stuck my headphones in and pressed play. A song started to play and my heart clenched. Of all the thousands of songs to play… and on this very day… somehow it didn't feel like a coincidence. It was one of Alice's favourite songs and she loved to play it. I wanted to switch to the next song but I couldn't. It reminded me so much of her and how she just loved to listen to it day in and day out. My eyes filled with tears as the words swirled around me and seemed to consume me.

You're not alone,
Together we stand,
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand,
When it gets cold,
And it feels like the end,
There's no place to go,
You know I won't give in,
No I won't give in

I was breathing heavily, remembering all those times we were in this very room with her singing this song to me. This felt the hardest moment of my existence. I focused again when the chorus came floating out of my headphones…

Keep holding on,
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through,
Just stay strong,
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you,
There's nothing you could say,
Nothing you could do,
There's no other way when it comes to the truth,
So keep holding on,
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

God I needed her here more then ever right now. Every word from the song pierced my heart and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt like I needed her to breathe… to live…

So far away,
I wish you were here,
Before it's too late, this could all disappear,
Before the doors close,
And it comes to an end,
With you by my side I will fight and defend,
I'll fight and defend,
Yeah, yeah

I felt like I needed her to get me through at this very moment because my heart felt like it was going to break in two from the agony I was feeling. I didn't think the human body could withstand so much pain. I wouldn't be surprised if I blacked out. The words held so much meaning to me and I listened intently as the song continued.

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe,
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny,
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da

I sang as softly as I could, imagining my Alice singing those very words to me in that sweet voice of hers, holding my hand in hers…

Keep holding on,
Keep holding on,

There's nothing you could say,
Nothing you could do,
There's no other way when it comes to the truth,
So keep holding on,
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

The song ended and my body was shaking violently as I cried to myself. I knew my parents or even Rose would be able to hear me if they came upstairs but I didn't care. Why did life have to be so cruel? If there was a God I didn't believe in him. How could someone be so good and cause this much pain in one person and think that it was okay? It wasn't. I sat up and ran my hands through my hair, pushing it out of my eyes.

I was trying my hardest, trying to catch my breath through my tears. I picked up my IPod that had fallen between my legs and pressed replay. The same music played through my headphones and I clutched my IPod in my hands as I lay back down and turned the volume up full. My face was so wet with tears and I hummed along to the song, singing along to the words when they finally played back to me.

"You're not alone… Together we stand… I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand…"

I was sat on a bench, the cold wind hitting my face, trees were blowing over my head and little kids were running around the park in front of me. They were so care free, not a problem in their worlds, just running for the fun of it, instead of running from something. What I wouldn't give to be that ten year old boy again, with Alice's hand in mine as we just ran and laughed and loved life… Right now I was eighteen years old and running away from something. I already felt like I had quit college before I've even given it a shot. I was just being stupid and foolish for believing I could do this. I was angered I had let everyone talk me into leaving and moving from Forks, saying it was what I needed, when what I really needed was Alice.

I felt a few tears fall from my eyes… I wanted her with me right now, more than anything in this moment. Just for her to tell me everything was going to be okay. For her to make me smile a genuine smile again. To feel her soft lips against mine, a tender kiss that told me exactly how she felt about me without even saying it… I would love for her to say she loves me once again, I regret that I didn't say it enough in the time I had spent with her. She would do all those things and stick by me thru anything, because she never failed to believe in me.

What was I thinking moving from Forks? It felt like I was leaving her behind, running away from her. I didn't want that, I wanted to be with her again, my desire for Forks was growing stronger by the second. But couldn't quit just yet, I would stick with my promise to Rose, no matter how hard it gets… I would give it a month. I just hoped something would change. Maybe Emmett was right, maybe I did need to find someone knew. Alice would have wanted that for me.

Sometimes the cards we are dealt are not always fair… I force myself to smile everyday but moving on is impossible. I'm trapped with the memory of my lost love and that's because I refuse to let go.

Super sad isn't it? You really feel Jasper's pain throughout this chapter. :(

Okay, two things... most of you might be wondering what the song is that Caz chose during the Flashbacks. If you want to listen to it, its Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne... a good fitting choice for this chapter, she did wonderfully with the flashbacks!

Second thing, if you all want a better image of the layout with Jasper and Luke's dormroom, just head over to our profile, look right down to the bottom where it says, Our Stories, then Missng Alice and it says,click here to see the layout of Jasper and Luke's Dorm Room. Hope that helps!

Well, Alice is back next chapter, prepare for some tension because the drama begins...

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