THE DAILY PROPHET
OH MERLIN!
The wizarding world of academia was thrown into turmoil yesterday when the Hogwarts Sorting Hat (believed to be an enchanted remnant of Merlin himself) declared a new house for students. This will be the house of Merlin.
At the Sorting Ceremony at the Welcoming Feast (which most of us remember with such fondness), the Hat announced the new house of Merlin, when it was placed on the head of the adopted son of Lord Baron Headmaster Snape, Aconite. Aconite himself (whose birth records have been sealed) is a multiple breed mer-wolf. Who knows what dangers the child could pose to our children whose safety we have reposed in the once-thought capable hands of Lord Baron Headmaster Snape? It is known that Aconite has a Cornish pixie for a familiar, unusual in itself as they are creatures of unpleasant and aggressive disposition. What should the wizarding world think of that?
Aconite is one of a number of children entering Hogwarts this year that previously would have been denied admission. It is so far known that there are three werewolves, a vampire, part-fairy, part-troll, two merchildren, a centaur, a Gallifreyan time lord and a Klingon. Whilst admitted that not all of these unusual admissions are in the new house of Merlin, half of them are, which is surely indicative.
The paper understands that Lord Baron Headmaster Snape means well, but has he really thought this through? What the Founders would have thought of this development is certainly open to interpretation and the writer is sceptical that this can be a move for good. The Sorting Hat's second song on the castle's creation of the new house is set out in full at page 3.
Lord Malfoy commented, "Such an august institution has once again fallen prey to the depredations of political correctness gone mad or perhaps a powerful Confundus Charm. No Founder was a magical half-breed or dark creature so it must be that the school has divided itself to protect its magical humans from the taint of bestial blood."
Lord Baron Headmaster Snape issued a statement in response as follows:
"Hogwarts has been educating the wizards and witches of Britain for a millennium. It is entirely appropriate that as we enter a new millennium, just as the Ministry has now recognised the rights of sentient magical beings so Hogwarts itself recognises that humans are not the only beings with magic, and nor are humans the only ones deserving of education. Education, after all, enlightens us all to become more civilised and ...(continued on page 96, para 78)
About the House of Merlin
The house of Merlin's shield is Merlin's staff standing next to the sword Excalibur, with the motto: To all that unites us. The house colours are dark amethyst and mother of pearl white. It is reported that the colours of the robes can be seen with greater depth and complexity depending upon the magical ability and extra senses the observer had. The writer considers this to be nonsense: the robes are clearly merely purple and white. (See our full page pull-out on the robes and house crest.)
The new common room and dormitories have special magical accesses to the grounds and lake for their 'special' students. Merlin's head of house is Larry Lupin-Potter, Baron Potter's half-twin, in charge of relationships and counselling as well as part-time professor of Defence against the Dark Arts. It is understood that Harry himself was to share the role with his half-twin, but it appears that this part-time role has, in fact, been taken by Percival Weasley, former head boy of Hogwarts, and clearly taking after his biological father in his steady rise to power!
In other news:
A short statement has been issued by the Ministry and by Gringotts Bank that all diplomatic relations between Britain, Gringotts and Somewhereistan have been severed to the mutual satisfaction of all parties and announced that our very own George Weasley has renounced all claim to the sultanate and the delcious prospect of six wives. Mr. Geo. Weasley could not be contacted for comment at this time. Photographs of the meeting are on pages 4 and 5. It was a tense time for a short while, but your roving reporter can confirm that war was averted quite easily, and (disappointingly) not even a single punch or Goblin-made dagger was thrown. (For a full report of the meeting, see Overseas Politics section, p. 103.)
However, American wizarding troops have returned to their encampment in Ireland. The Keeper of the Privy Seat [sic] has announced that their genealogical enquiries have shown that their monarch is one Philidora Black-Potter, the child of Lily Potter (nee Evans) and Sirius Black. The American cabinet-in-waiting has confirmed that it will release the whole genealogy to the Ministry, but in the interim, it has confirmed that Philidora is a part sibling by multiple birth of our very own Baron Potter, Harry. This paper understands that Philidora (or PJ as she is known to her adoptive parents) is a squib. The Daily Prophet can see no reason why we should deprive America of its rightful monarch and joins the calls for their squib Queen to be restored to them.