Chapter 14 - Uncertainty

Sacramento.

13 months earlier.

"You think Bertram is in league with Red John?" Lisbon asked Jane as she speared a piece a cucumber. She pushed it between her lips and chewed with little enthusiasm.

He filled up her glass of water from a jug set on her small dining table as they ate together. "He might even be Red John for all I know," he responded with absolute seriousness.

"Like Grace said earlier, you're being paranoid. You have no basis for thinking that."

He shoved a piece of lettuce into his mouth, swallowing it quickly. "I haven't been able to eliminate him from my list yet so I have some basis. Plus, you didn't see him when you were abducted. He couldn't care less about what happened to you, he was only worried about the fallout that might come from it."

She shrugged. "He's never been my biggest fan, Jane. And it's no secret he's more of a politician than a cop. Plus, knowing you, you probably bit first when he showed his face in the office; it wouldn't have taken much for you to take your frustration out on him."

Jane pondered her brief synopsis of the events that may have occurred in her absence. Finally, he shrugged. "Perhaps, perhaps not. But I don't trust the man nevertheless. Never have."

She sighed, "I know. But it's up to me who I see or don't see in my own home, not you. And he's my boss so I'll have to speak to him eventually."

After a moment he nodded. "You're right. I guess I'm just..."

"I've noticed. You're feeling overprotective of me right now. Look, I get it but you can't rule my life."

Silence descended for a few seconds as they both continued eating. She took a deep breath as her stomach contracted in a sudden spasm. He looked up immediately. "Are you-?"

"I'm fine, stop fussing," she snapped, closing her eyes until the pain rescinded. "I'm sorry," she said, taking a deep breath. "Told you I'd be a bitch if you stayed here."

He put his knife and fork down to sip his water. "Don't worry about it." He eyed her over his glass. "Have you read those pamphlets the hospital gave you yet by any chance?" he ventured after a second.

"Rehab, you mean?" she said with a roll of her eyes.

"It's just somewhere you could go with people who are going through what you are," he said softly. "People who'll understand. Don't think of it as it having some kind of stigma attached to you going there. It might help you in a few days, Teresa. Once the physical side of this abates and you begin to deal more with the emotional fallout of what's happened to you. And if you don't want to do that then maybe talking to a therapist-"

"You're recommending I see a therapist?" she scoffed.

"There are some good ones out there, I'm sure," he smiled. "I even found one once, after all."

"Not by choice from what I recollect," she remarked sourly and quickly. She reddened a second later when she realised the meaning he might take from what she'd said. "I-I didn't mean to say that...that what you were going through at that time was any less difficult or that you weren't able to cope-"

"I know," he nodded. "But you're right in any case. I couldn't cope with what happened. I have no idea how you're even functioning right now if I'm being honest."

"What else am I supposed to do? Rolling myself into a ball and crying incessantly isn't going to help, is it? Sharing my sob story, what's that gonna get me?"

She shook her head. "I can do this on my own, Jane. Besides...how are they going to understand what I've gone through? The people in those facilities chose to do that to themselves whereas I..."

Suddenly she threw her cutlery down forcefully and got up from her chair as she grabbed her plate. She marched towards her kitchen and tossed the remaining salad into the bin before beginning to wash her plate.

Confused by her sudden outburst he followed her into the kitchen. Mood swings were part of the deal, he supposed. "They were just suggestions. It's not weakness to accept help," he said a second later as he put his plate into the sink as she stood at it. He saw tears prick at her eyes as she ignored him and sighed. "Look, I admit, I...I don't know what the hell to do here for the best, Lisbon. I'm somewhat out of my depth."

She stopped scrubbing the plate, surprised and touched by his honesty. He really must be at the end of his tether to admit he was at a loss. It frightened her too, that the know it all she'd called her friend for so many years was blatantly struggling seeing her like this and was blindly searching for a way through it.

"I know," she whispered. She looked up at him, her green eyes brimming with misery and her own uncertainty over what she needed from him and even more what she required from herself.

"I know you're doing your best to help me. But this is something I need to work through on my own, Jane. I don't belong in one of those places and well, after Carmen I don't exactly trust psychiatrists either. If you want to be here for me then be here but just don't...don't crowd me so much or tell me what I should or shouldn't be doing. It's something I need to figure out for myself."

He exhaled. "Fair enough. I'll try to ease up."

"And stop beating yourself up. There's no easy fix to this, no solution you need to figure out."

She cleared her throat as he took up drying the dishes beside her. "So, how are you getting on with that Red John list of yours?" she said, injecting as much brightness into her tone as she could manage.

He matched her faux chirpiness. "Oh, you know. It's a process, as they say."

"Meaning you've barely looked at it since I was abducted."

He shrugged as he placed the plates back in a cupboard. "It wasn't exactly a priority, no."

She crawled back into bed again that night after unleashing the contents of her stomach once more. Diarrhoea this time. Well, she thought glibly as she drew the covers over her again, a change is as good as a rest as they say. Her limbs felt like lead and she wrapped the bedclothes up to her chin as she shivered underneath them while perspiring profusely, the nightlight beside her illuminating the rest of the room in a shadow world.

She breathed out, over and over again in a bid to relax her body, telling herself it was just a bad flu that would run its course in a day or so. She turned her mind to Jane, downstairs on her couch and likely worrying himself sick about her than sleeping or getting any closer to finding Red John. She'd wanted nothing more than to see him again if she ever got out of that room and pretty much all she'd done since her release was treat him like something she'd trodden in or done her best to ignore his advice. She recalled something he'd said once about her being meaner to him than the other kids because she liked him. She was certainly showing that to be true with her current behaviour.

She turned off the light and closed her eyes but they sprang open a second later. Great, now she was afraid of the dark too, it seemed. She turned the light beside her back on but the walls still felt like they were closing in on her. She threw off the covers and got to her feet to catch a breath. She pushed her toes into the plush of her bedroom carpet and paced a few steps back and forward beside the bed, hoping the feel of something familiar beneath her feet would provide her with some comfort. But the sudden motion made her head spin and she stopped abruptly, attempting to focus. The bed and walls danced before her eyes before they blurred into a grainy image of brown and cream. A moment later, she was aware of nothing as she fell into a soft sea of beige.

"Lisbon! Lisbon!"

Her eyes remained steadfastly shut as she heard the sound of her name repeatedly, each time spoken more anxious, battling to remain in control.

Silence descended for a moment and she relaxed back into her peaceful netherworld. Then the annoying crescendo started up again.

"Lisbon? Teresa, can you hear me?"

She mumbled incoherently.

A gasp. "The ambulance is on its way. Just breathe. If you can hear me just breathe slowly."

Ambulance? Well, that got her attention. She was perfectly comfortable where she was.

She tried to open her eyes to protest. A nanosecond vision of Jane staring at her with a wild stare before her eyes rolled back in her head and she collapsed her weight again.

A slight slap to her left cheek and she grumbled, "Go away. Stop." She raised a hand to swipe at the offending creature the hand belonged to but it fell back down just as quickly.

"Lisbon, open your eyes. I know you can hear me. It's Jane."

The voice was calmer now. Jane. Of course. Who else would it be who'd interrupt her sleep? "I'm...schleeping," she muttered.

"No, you're not," he replied firmly. Anger in his voice to hide his distress, "Your temperature spiked and you fainted. Open your eyes, stay with me."

"Hmm?" she said, gradually tearing back her eyelids. She went to move from her prone position on the floor and he stopped her movements immediately, placing his hand on her shoulder. He breathed out. "Just stay still for now."

He brought a cold compress to her forehead and she winced. "Shit, Jane! That's freezing!"

"Good. You'd no reaction first time I placed it on you. Must be working to bring your temp down."

"But I'm cold," she said like a petulant child.

"You only think that," he told her, moving the compress to her wrists to cool her down.

He stood at the door to her bedroom as the paramedics assessed her condition. She'd regained consciousness and was both embarrassed they'd been called and angry with him for doing so. He crossed his arms across his chest as he stared back at her, utterly unrepentant for his actions as the medics prodded and probed her.

When he'd heard the thud from downstairs he'd taken the stairs two at a time to get to her. When he'd saw her sprawled on the floor and couldn't wake her he thought his heart had stopped.

He'd called 911 as soon as he'd moved her into the recovery position. When he'd touched her skin it was boiling hot to the touch and had run to get a cold facecloth from the bathroom to cool her down, worried a seizure would be triggered if he couldn't get it regulated.

One of the paramedics, a woman in her mid thirties, looked at him kindly as she got to her feet to address him. "Your wife's temperature is still slightly higher than we'd like but it's going in the right direction. She should be fine now. Just keep her cool, make her rest and open some windows in here. Try to get some cold fluids into her, if you can. We've given her some Tylenol though she wasn't happy about taking it. Give her some more in a few hours if you can persuade her."

He barely noticed the remark about her being his wife. Naturally, a man wearing a wedding ring and calling medical help at eleven pm for a female around his age would be no one else. He nodded gratefully. "Thank you. You don't think she needs to be admitted?"

He ignored the scowl from his new 'wife' in front of him wearing a blood pressure cuff. The paramedic replied, "I don't think that's necessary since we were able to stabilise her. As long as she remains under observation for the rest of night here she'll be more comfortable, I'd expect. Keep taking her temperature regularly. And if there's any change in condition bring her to the ER right away."

"I'll make sure to keep an eye on her, thank you."

He saw the ambulance crew out and walked back upstairs and into her bedroom. She was in the adjoining bathroom. "Look, I know you're mad I called them but I'm not apologising for it," he said at the door.

He heard the sound of a shower running. "Lisbon?"

"Just having a cool shower like they advised, I'll be out in a minute."

He took the opportunity to gather his blanket and pillow from the couch and throw them onto the only chair in the room. He was going to make certain she was closely observed all night, whether she liked it or not.

She opened the bathroom door a few minutes later wearing a fresh football shirt. She looked noticeably better, some colour back in her cheeks and more steady on her feet.

"I'm not mad," she said as she took the few steps to climb back into bed. She laid her head back on the headboard and closed her eyes with a loud sigh.

"What were you doing out of bed anyway?" he sighed. "You were supposed to be resting. You could have banged your head if you'd hit it on the bedpost, you stupid woman."

She shrugged, sipped at the cold water to her side, the fight knocked out of her to raise her voice in response.

"You couldn't sleep," he said with a long sigh in answer to his own question, coming to sit beside her at the edge of the bed. Softly, "You want to talk about it?"

She shook her head. "I'm sorry I frightened you," she said quietly. "It must have been hard seeing me like that."

"Meh. I was more concerned you'd right hook me when I slapped your cheek to bring you around."

She looked him straight in the eye. Seriously, "No, you weren't."

He nodded and looked down, licking his lips. Soberly, "No, I wasn't."

Sacramento.

Present Day.

Eloise Hudson nodded to Jane and Lisbon as they reappeared in the bullpen, her speech to the agents present broken up with a questioning glance at Jane before he sat on his couch with barely a look in her direction. Lisbon shuffled past the amassed crowd with her head bowed, standing with her back to the desk next to him, her cheeks ablaze as she noticed eyes upon her once more.

Hudson continued, "Thanks for joining us, Jane, Miss-"

"Would you mind just calling me Lisbon," Lisbon interrupted, raising her head towards the other woman. "It's quicker, right?"

The blonde woman nodded slowly. "Of course." She addressed Van Pelt. "Van Pelt, can you just repeat what you just informed the rest of us so we're all up to speed?"

The redhead responded, "Yes. Forensics confirmed that DNA belonging to six different females was discovered in the room. Blood of one male was identified too."

"We're assuming the male blood found was from the guard you kicked," Cho added. "But no hits on who he is."

"Sounds about right," Lisbon said. "No DNA from the other men found?"

He responded, "No. Fingerprints are inconclusive too. Only partials mostly or else no matches found on record from those that could be identified clearly. White room was awash with them."

"What about the room where they watched? Less traffic there presumably. Nothing there?"

Cho shook his head. "Monitors, keyboard and table were wiped clean."

"What about the cameras? They wouldn't have had time to wipe them all before clearing out. Someone placed those cameras there," Lisbon argued.

A hint of a smile crossed Cho's lips as he heard the tenacity in her tone, her investigative brain kicking back into action. "Prints found but no matches for them."

"So, further analysis on what was found?" Hudson asked Van Pelt.

Van Pelt glanced at Lisbon momentarily. She licked her lips. "Uh, well, one of the women is Lisbon, of course. Her DNA is in the database, after all. Needed it to test against the trace found when..."

Hudson nodded. She turned her tone softer. "Yes. The five others?"

"Only other one that has been identified belongs to a Laura Monroe. College student at Sacramento State University reported missing five months ago. She was involved in a robbery of a dinosaur bone of all things from a museum less than a year ago so her DNA is in the system. She got off with a suspended sentence when the bone was recovered. Looks like it was some kind of initiation prank that got out of hand."

Cho nodded, "Trying to fit in with college life by the sound of it. Stupid but not a hardened criminal in the making."

Hudson asked Van Pelt, "Any connection to Jessica Wells?"

"None that I've been able to find electronically."

Their boss continued, "Lisbon, do you know her?"

Lisbon held back an eye roll. She would have spoken up by now if she had. Did this woman take her for a complete idiot?

Jane interrupted as he played with his fingers while looking down as he listened to the conversation around him. Amused, "Pretty sure she'd have said so by now if she did, El."

His superior reddened slightly as Lisbon tried to stop a smile from forming. She cleared her throat, "No, I've never met her, ma'am."

Hudson turned back to Van Pelt, tilting her chin. Authoritatively, "Is that all we have?"

"Not exactly," the redhead responded. "One thing was strange. In one of the hair samples found it appears one of the women has Afro hair."

Jane's head suddenly flicked up in interest as Lisbon frowned and spoke to Van Pelt. "That's unusual. If this is a serial killer – or serial attacker, at least – since only one body has been found so far, then they rarely stray from their own ethnicity in choosing victims. Jessica Wells and...me, well, we're both Caucasian yet at least one women taken was obviously not. This Laura Monroe?"

"Caucasian also."

Jane commented with a smile of admiration, "Precisely, Lisbon. Couldn't have put it better myself."

He furrowed his brow as he tapped his index finger to his lips.

"Thoughts, Patrick?" Hudson enquired. "What does it mean?"

He shrugged. "I'm not sure. Yet. It's interesting, though, isn't it?"

Hudson sighed. "Okay, well let me know if you come up with any theories. Patrick, go talk to Laura Monroe's parents and her classmates, see what you can find out there."

Lisbon took a step forward instinctively and then stopped herself. She'd automatically fallen into the role of Jane's partner without thinking as she'd become engrossed in the discussion of the case. Luckily for her, it appeared no one but Jane had noticed her unintentional and literal misstep as he glanced at her movement out of the corner of his eye.

Hudson glanced from a folder she was looking at to Rigsby. "You go with him, Agent Rigsby."

"Sure, boss."

Hudson withdrew as Lisbon settled back at her desk again. Jane got to his feet as Rigsby collected his jacket and weapon. He stood in front of her. "Sorry, maybe next time," he smiled.

She shook her head. "Doubt it. Besides, I have an important job to do here."

"Yes, you do."

He made to move away and then turned back again. "You-you're okay here, right? I mean...I know Eloise is a bit of a-"

"I'm good," she nodded. She noticed the sudden wariness in his expression at leaving her. "Jane, I'll be right here when you get back. Stop worrying about me and go and do your job."

He nodded slowly and repeated what he'd said the last time she'd said those words to him. Softly, "Sorry, I know you will. We'll figure this out. I'll see you later, Teresa."

He noticed a flicker of recognition cross her features, the déjà vu of their words hitting her also.

Instead of planting a kiss to her lips as a goodbye this time, however, he turned his back to her with a soft smile.

His eyes told her of sadness and regret. Fear. Hope that on this occasion it would only be a matter of hours and not a year until their next conversation.

As she sat quietly at her desk a headache formed after twenty minutes. She was no longer used to staring at a computer screen for minutes on end. Her back ached after thirty, the now unusual sedentary position making her limbs ache in protest. She stood up and went to the break area to stretch her legs, finding Van Pelt there.

"Coffee?" Van Pelt smiled, shaking the coffee pot at her after she refilled her own mug.

Lisbon shook her head. "I'm more of a tea drinker nowadays, thanks."

"Wow, Jane must be happy about that. He was always trying to get you to cut down on your caffeine."

Lisbon filled the kettle. "Yeah, I guess." She turned to Van Pelt. Awkwardly, "I-I wanted to thank you, Grace."

"For what?"

Lisbon bit her bottom lip. "For...for keeping the unit together. Well, Jane especially. For giving him somewhere to belong after Red John."

"I didn't do much, honestly. But, well, like you always said, he's family, right? We all did what we could to help him through that time."

The redhead looked into her cup and Lisbon understood perfectly what she wasn't willing to say.

We all did what we could to help him through that time...

Just like when you left him.

Like you should have.

Where were you when he needed you most?

Lisbon took a breath as she reinforced her mask of polite indifference. She replied, "Don't be so modest. You keep those men in line more than you think you do. They respect you. Jane likes you and he doesn't actually like a lot of people. He wouldn't have allowed your help otherwise."

Van Pelt blushed. "Thanks, bo-. Sorry."

"It's fine."

"I know it must be hard to be back but...but it's the happiest I've seen him in a year, just having you back in the bullpen again. He puts up an act that he's fine but I see him sometimes, looking like he's miles away when he thinks no one is watching. He's not nearly as good an actor as he thinks he is."

"Or maybe you're just better at reading him nowadays. I'm...I'm proud of the agent you've become, Grace. Really, I am."

The redhead's expression brightened. "Thanks." She took a sip of coffee as Lisbon fetched her tea. "So, I heard you were in Maine, how was that?"

"Very different to Sacramento," Lisbon replied with a smile. "Nice, though. Peaceful. Relaxing."

Van Pelt frowned at her. "That nature stuff used to drive you crazy. Sounds more like the kind of place Jane would enjoy."

Lisbon sighed. "Yeah, he did seem to like it there."

"Are you really planning on going back there, though? After we catch whoever this is?"

Resolutely, "Yes, I am."

As she carried her tea back into the bullpen Cho waved her inside his office. As she entered he got out of his chair and came around to the front of the desk, leaning his butt on it.

Before he spoke she said, "Cho, you don't need to keep doing that every time I come in here."

He frowned. "Do what?"

She nodded towards his desk chair behind him. "You belong in that chair now. I'm pleased you're leading the unit. There's no one I trust or respect more. I know I left you in the lurch but I also knew you were more than ready to be in charge."

He nodded slowly with a slight upcurl of his lips. "Hadn't noticed I was doing it," he remarked.

He went around to the other side of the desk and sat in his chair, motioning for her to sit in the one opposite. "How's it going?"

She took a seat. "I've only started-"

"I mean being back. Must be an adjustment."

She shrugged. "You could say that. For all of you too by the looks of it."

He nodded. "It's good to have you back."

"Thank you. But that's not why you called me in here."

He sighed. "Hudson wants me to keep an eye on you. Thinks your temper might get the better of you and screw up this case."

Lisbon rolled her eyes, calming her increasing hostility towards the blonde woman in charge. "I didn't exactly get off to a flying start to her so I'm not surprised. But you don't need to worry, I'm fine. Honestly."

"I'm not concerned with what she thinks. But Jane's worried about you too though he'd never admit it now you're here."

"He needn't be," she lied.

Uncertainty swept across his face. She added, "Look when I got here it was all a bit much, yes. So maybe he had a right to be. But we've talked since and it's helped. I'm here to help, not cause problems for this investigation. All right?"

Cho nodded without much conviction before he excused her from his office. "I hope not," he whispered under his breath after she closed the door.