"I'm gonna fall!" Janae laughed hysterically.
"Naw, I got you, babygirl!" Shepard assured, laughing as well. Janae was sat on Shepard's shoulders, gripping Shepard's hair to keep herself from falling, Shepard holding on to the child's leg, pressing her left palm against Janae's back to keep her steady. Whiskey ran around in circles around them, jumping up and down, letting out excited yaps and yelps.
"Yeah, he's got the right idea!" Shepard laughed and continued dancing, her moves as awkward as always, but what she lacked in skill, she was certainly making up for in enthusiasm.
It took Samantha a while to notice what was wrong with the picture. At first, she'd been delighted to see Shepard was up and having fun. Then she realized the biotic glow wasn't emanating from Janae who was using her biotics to keep herself steady; the glow was on Shepard's skin. She wasn't a biotic so there was only one explanation to how it was possible.
"Sammy! Come join the party!" Shepard laughed happily when she noticed Samantha.
"Sorry, I think I'll pass, I'm not a big fan of country music…" she declined the offer.
"I'm not really either but I really like this one song," Shepard chuckled.
Berating Shepard in front of Janae was beneath Samantha and as much as she hated having to let this go for now, she decided to do so. Liara would be by to pick her up later, Samantha could have a conversation with Shepard after that. Though, right now, she didn't even know what she'd say.
She was angry and bitterly disappointed, she had expected better from Shepard. She was frustrated, mainly because of how Shepard was behaving but also because she knew she wasn't allowed to get angry.
No, she wasn't allowed to show her disappointment, she was supposed to just endlessly understand and support, to hell with how this all was hurting her, she wasn't the one struggling with depression and addiction, she had no right to judge the poor tormented commander. She was supposed to put everything on hold and ignore her own wants and needs, focus all her energy on helping Shepard through this; only after that she would be allowed to ask for things for herself. It was so unfair it made Samantha want to scream.
"Hey, Jay-Jay?" Shepard huffed and stopped dancing, letting Janae down from her shoulders and knelt down to be on eye level with her.
"Yeah, Max-Max?" Janae giggled, and Shepard did too as she put her hands on Janae's shoulders.
"I love you," she said very seriously.
"I love you too," Janae responded cheerfully and let herself be hugged tightly for a long while. When the doorbell rang, she ran off to pick up her backpack. She said goodbye to Shepard and headed to the door with Samantha to greet Liara who'd come over to pick her up. Thankfully, Shepard had the common sense to stay out of sight (or maybe it was a lucky coincidence), Samantha doubted Liara would ever bring Janae over again if she saw how irresponsible Shepard had been.
Deep down, Samantha knew she shouldn't have covered for Shepard. Doing so was a slippery slope she didn't wish to venture down because it was too easy to become an enabler for this behavior. But then again, she didn't want to ruin Shepard's opportunity of bonding with Janae; what little chance there was of that happening would be eradicated if Liara decided to cut Shepard from Janae's life completely. Allowing that to happen wouldn't serve Shepard or Janae.
"I'm the savior of the galaxy, why haven't I been made into a PEZ-dispenser yet? I want to be a PEZ-dispenser. Not literally, don't cut open my throat and twist my head until candy comes out, but figuratively. All the cool characters have been made into one throughout history," Shepard said as she leaned back against the kitchen counter and took a long drink of water. Samantha switched the music off; as catchy as the song was, it had been playing on repeat for almost two hours and she'd had quite enough of it.
"I'm sensing hostility," Shepard then said, staring at Samantha who folded her arms over her abdomen.
"Good, because I'm furious!"
"I'm having a little trouble standing up, you can keep being mad at me but I'm just gonna sit down for a bit," Shepard said, her dismissive attitude doing nothing to alleviate Samantha's anger toward her right now.
"Sammy, why don't we have kids?" Shepard then asked as she slumped onto the couch, Whiskey immediately making his way over to her and into her lap, claiming his favorite spot. Samantha couldn't even think of a response to that, at least not a coherent one; she did consider just straight up screaming. She inhaled deeply through her nose and blew the breath out sharply through her mouth.
"You are asking me that?" she scoffed, managing to keep her voice normal, the barely contained yell still very noticeable from the way she spoke through clenched teeth.
"I want us to have a baby… maybe even more than one. And I want us to get married. I want you legally bound to me before you come to your senses," Shepard vexed but the sad thing was, Samantha was already becoming all too aware of Shepard's dark side. She let out a defeated sigh. Being angry at Shepard right now was pointless, she didn't notice, or she didn't care. Besides, right now, Samantha found herself quickly going from angry to sad.
"And I want you… to tell me all those things when you're sober."
"Please, just… I don't want you to look at me the way you're looking at me right now," Shepard said, her head hanging low, her face buried in her hand. She couldn't even see how Samantha was regarding her, but she could feel the glare, the disappointment.
"You know what? That works just fine because right now, I don't want to look at you!" Samantha snapped and turned, patting her thighs to encourage the dogs to come to her. She put their leashes on and began to guide them toward the door.
You realize she's going to leave you, right? Not that I blame her, but still, you're just gonna let her walk out on you? I thought nobody does that, aren't you always supposed to be the one doing the leaving? Lilith's voice taunted in Shepard's mind. She stood up and followed Samantha, reaching to lean to the door to force it closed just as Samantha was about to open it.
"What do you think you're doing?" Samantha scoffed.
"I was about to ask you the same thing," Shepard muttered.
"I was going to take the dogs for a walk."
"You taking the packed suitcase for a walk too?" Shepard inquired after glancing over Samantha's shoulder through the window on the door, noticing the bag sitting on the porch.
You're so stupid, Maxima, how did you not even notice? Oh, right, you were busy indulging yourself, Lilith chuckled.
"You were sleeping it off, I wasn't going to sneak out, but I wasn't going to wait around for you to wake up either," Samantha sighed.
Either she's lying, or she couldn't wait to get away from you, either way sucks for you, doesn't it, Maxima?
"That's it? You're giving up?" Shepard spat.
"I'm taking a break from you because after weeks of putting up with your problems I need to think, or I will just leave for good because I honestly can't fucking handle all your problems!" Samantha lost her temper, regretting putting it all so bluntly but not denying her meaning.
You know if you let her leave she won't come back.
"Shut up, just shut up!" Shepard yelled, turning to swat the air beside her as if there were another person there when there wasn't.
"Who are you talking to?" Samantha exclaimed softly. Shepard didn't answer; instead, she reached to grab Samantha's forearm to stop her from leaving. As she did, Krauser jumped to intervene, a low growl emanating from him as he bit down on Shepard's wrist, not biting hard enough to cause serious damage, but his loyalties and intent made clear; he would protect Samantha from anyone, even Shepard.
"God damn it!" Shepard yelled and threw her arm to the side, then forcefully yanked it back, slipping from Krauser's grip, sending the dog stumbling a little. He got back to his feet and barked at her, lunging toward her until Samantha tightened his leash to keep him away from Shepard. Admiral joined his bark and placed himself between Samantha and Shepard, but didn't go to bite her, merely made it clear that he would if Shepard gave him a reason to. Whiskey looked confused and concerned, not sure what he was supposed to do.
While Shepard was still trying to come to terms with the fact that she'd just been bitten by her own dog, Samantha got outside, shut the door and grabbed the suitcase before hurrying over to the cab that was waiting for her. Shepard chased after her for a few solid minutes before finally becoming too winded to run after the car, giving up on the impossible task of trying to catch up.
Well, well, well. Look who fucked up again. Oh, babygirl, you can't do anything right, now can ya? Come on now. I know what'll make you feel better.
"Leave me alone," Shepard muttered as she walked back home, painfully aware of the curtains in the neighboring houses moving as curious spectators watched her walk of shame after the embarrassing chase. She was sure she'd get to read about this in the tabloids soon enough.
Believe me, I don't want to be here any more than you want me here, but the thing is, that tiny bit of crazy you awakened recently is only gonna grow, and I am a part of that and a part of you.
"Why are you doing this?" Shepard hissed, got back in the house and slammed the door shut.
I'm not doing anything, I don't have to. I'm just sitting back and watching you tear yourself apart. It's all very much your own doing, Maxima.
"You're not real," Shepard breathed through clenched teeth as she made her way over to the office and rummaged through her desk drawers, surprised that Samantha hadn't gone through them and thrown out her stash.
She left you the red sand because she doesn't care anymore. If she hadn't given up on you, she would've made and effort to help you. Not anymore.
"Shut up!" Shepard yelled in the empty room.
I think it's adorable you think telling me to shut up will actually work, Lilith laughed softly.
"I need help," Shepard said and swallowed hard. She'd admitted it when she'd agreed to start seeing Doctor Kennedy, but this was different. It was becoming evident that wasn't enough.
No one is going to help you. You're finished.
Shepard inhaled a generous amount of red sand and little by little the voice quieted down. It didn't disappear completely, the tone and the words remaining accusatory and hurtful. Shepard prepared another neat line of red sand onto the smooth wooden surface of her desk.
Take as much of that shit as you want, it won't change anything. I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart.
"I'll shut you up," Shepard muttered and inhaled another line, knowing somewhere in the back of mind that half of it was too much, but she didn't care. If it would shut Lilith up, it was worth it.