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Sarge: Hello, everyone! This is Sergeant Sarge from the popular Web series Red vs. Blue!
Chruch: And this is Private Leonard L. Church from the same show.
Sarge: Today, we are going to talk about the importance of Thanksgiving! Now, I assume all of you know exactly why we celebrate this day of thanks.
Chruch: Yes, it's a very honored way of showing our respect for—
Sarge: Turkeys!
Church: Excuse me?
Sarge: It's all because of the turkeys. Look at this chart. (Graph appears on screen) Now look. Here, you can see the annual birth rate of turkeys. It's growing exponentially!
Church: It looks like that was drawn with crayon…
Sarge: The turkeys are growing in number. They're everywhere. I mean, forget the animosity of free-range chickens! Turkeys are the real problem. They sit there, on the farms, day after day. Night after night. You know what they do? They populate planet Earth, and sit in their pens plotting against us. Soon, you can see—(points with suspicion at graph)—that the number of turkeys on Earth will soon surpass the population of humans!
Church: We're not on Earth!
Sarge: So, kids, you see that Thanksgiving is the only way humanity can survive!
Church: …
Sarge: (smiles expectantly)
Church: What the hell are you talking about?
Sarge: And, kids, you also see how stupid the Blues are. It's painfully obvious, Private!
Church: Yeah, uh, apparently, the stupid Blues need an explanation.
Sarge: Let this be a lesson to the lot of you. Never, under any circumstances, become a Blue. It may be as dangerous to your well-being as fraternizing with turkeys.
Church: Thank you. Always so enlightening. Can we get a move on?
Sarge: Don't blame me if you're just jealous. (clears throat importantly) Well, as you can see with my chart of the near future's turkey population, they will soon outnumber us—
Church: (under breath) Don't they already?
Sarge: —and join together. (whispers conspiratorially) Once they realize that they have the numerical advantage, we're all doomed. They'll revolt, first overthrowing their farmers, and then the city councils, gaining power by the second, soon taking over the White House, and then the League of Nations!
Church: Uh, I don't think—
Sarge: And then, once they've taken control of the government, they'll send their mafia out to kill us, and they'll pick off the world's leaders, one… by… one.
(dramatic silence; Church gapes at Sarge)
Soon, they'll have their own secret police, murdering humans in their sleep or else forcing them into slavery! It's a dangerous future, I know, but that's why you (points to camera) need to step up and be the change you wish to see in the world!
Church: Don't bring Gandhi into this!
Sarge: Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but it's true. Every Thanksgiving, we have the chance to save our lives, our well-being. By placing a turkey at your table, you are helping to keep their population in check. Who knows? You might be having a member of the turkey mafia for dinner, sparing the lives of many human beings!
Church: We need to stop recording this.
Sarge: So go out and buy a turkey! Buy two or three! Get them… before they get you.
(Note: Happy Thanksgiving to all those in the United States! Support the cause, have some turkey. Or else have some mashed potatoes. I've heard those get quite angry when they're feeling oppressed… we wouldn't want another uprising on our hands. Anyway, this is a short little blurb just in time for the holiday. I decided to try a bit of a different format for the PSA, just to see if you like it. Anyway, enjoy your vacations if you're having one! Until next week. –Stella)