Chapter 13

James stared at his crying friend shocked and flabbergasted. Then, he came to his senses and yelled at all the remaining students that they had to leave the common room, or he'd give them detention personally. The younger students looked curiously at Hogwarts' heroes before James pointed his wand towards them and they ran up the stairs.

James sat down next to Sirius and didn't know whether to hug and comfort him, or just stare at him. He chose the latter, thinking that Sirius wouldn't really like James hugging him. Especially not after all the things he'd gone through these past few weeks.

"Talk to me," James said. Sirius closed his eyes and tears fell down his chin into his lap. James grimaced.

"I don't know where to start…" Sirius answered, "I know I've been a total jerk and all. And I… I… Merlin, Prongs, I just feel so bloody guilty."

"No need to feel guilty," James said comfortingly, "I forgive you for being an ass and making a lot of people cry."

"No, no," Sirius shook his head, "It's not that that I feel guilty about… well yes, that too of course… but it wasn't what I meant."

"What is it that you mean then?" James asked softly.

"I feel so guilty over something that happened," Sirius cried, "I know it's my fault entirely. You have no idea how much I blame myself."

"Padfoot…" James started.

"No, let me talk," Sirius interrupted, "I don't think I'll ever tell you if you don't let me tell it now."

"Go ahead," James said and he waited for Sirius to continue.

"Something happened," Sirius mumbled, "Something so terrible. I don't think I can ever tell anyone…"

Sirius was silent for a while and James wanted to tell him to go on, but he didn't think that was a good idea. So he shut up and waited, while Sirius collected himself and fought an inner battle. James smiled encouraging when Sirius looked up to him with teary eyes.

"I couldn't tell you Prongs," he sobbed, "Forgive me."

James nodded and waited another minute for Sirius to continue. Why didn't he just tell him what had happened, so they could get over with it and move on?

"I know my showers annoyed the hell out of you guys," Sirius whispered hoarsely, "But I had to. I felt so dirty. So guilty. I had to wash the guilt off. The warm water comforted me. It was the one place I could cry without being seen…"

James nodded and waited.

"I tried to eat, Prongs," Sirius was shaking, "I really did. But I felt so sick afterwards. Sometimes, I really was sick after eating. It was horrible. My stomach knew what I'd done and was punishing me. The guilt was eating me from the inside. I couldn't eat, I just couldn't. I wasn't worth it to eat. I didn't deserve to eat. I still don't."

James wanted to tell him that everyone deserved to eat. He wanted to tell him that he should have gone to Madame Pomfrey and that she would have given him something. He wanted to tell him that he'd take him to the hospital wing first thing in the morning, because it sure wasn't healthy. But he didn't. He let Sirius tell his story first.

"I'm so tired, Prongs," he sobbed brokenly, "I'm so bloody tired, but every time I fall asleep, I dream of it. And then I'm even more tired when I wake up. I'm so tired it hurts. I'm so tired I can barely move, barely live through another day."

James placed his hand over Sirius' arm and tried to show him that he was there for him. Sirius shuddered and stared at the hand. His breathing was uneven.

"Quidditch was no longer fun, as I could barely stay awake. I feel sick whole day, none stop. And it is worse in the air, because I know I don't deserve to have fun. I don't deserve to do nice things. So I feel so bad the entire time. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up again. I want to dig myself a hole and die. I thought about poisoning myself, but I was too weak. I'm even too weak to kill myself, Prongs."

Another waterfall of tears flooded down Sirius' cheeks and he sobbed hysterically. James felt scared. His best friend had wanted to kill himself and he hadn't noticed. He'd noticed that something was wrong, but not that his friend was so depressed he'd wanted to commit suicide. He shook his head disbelievingly and felt really bad himself. He was an awful friend.

"I couldn't face you guys anymore. You were all trying to be nice and to help me, but I don't deserve being helped. I don't deserve people like you. I don't deserve having fun or being cared for. It's all my own fault. If I hadn't been born, it wouldn't have happened. Merlin, how I wish I'd never been born at all. It's all my fault… Oh, it's all my bloody fault."

"What about Laura?" James asked. Sirius looked up at him questioningly, "Why don't you talk to her anymore? She is really upset about it. Don't you deserve her either?"

"I don't," Sirius mumbled, "I care for her, I really do. She's like a sister to me. I didn't want it to happen to her too. I had to protect her from it. And she reminded me of it, so much. So bloody much."

"What does she remind you of, Sirius?" James asked quietly. Sirius shook his head so fiercely, that James was afraid he'd hurt his neck. He saw Sirius struggle with a lot of emotions and words. He opened his mouth a couple of times, but closed them again immediately after. His nails dug into his flesh and his knuckles went white.

"Remember this summer?" Sirius mumbled and closed his eyes, "How I snuck out of your house? I know you noticed. You've confronted me with it. After it had happened."

James nodded.

"Well… I met a girl," Sirius smiled slightly through his tears, "Her name was Naomi Reyes, she lived in your town. Have you ever met her?"

James thought deeply and shook his head. He didn't know whom Sirius was talking about.

"She was a muggle," Sirius explained, "I met her in a bar, where she was drinking milk. I thought it was cute that she was drinking milk, so I went up to her to talk to her. Get to know her, you know?"

James nodded and Sirius had a soft look in his eyes. A sad look, but also a soft and loving look.

"She had brown curls that danced around her shoulders and back when she talked," Sirius smiled at the memory, "Her eyes were huge and had the same color as chocolate frogs. I could drown in them."

He was silent for a moment and when he continued, he sounded like an old man, talking about the good parts of his past.

"She was beautiful," Sirius sighed, "Or at least in my eyes. I fell in love with her and met her secretly, at night, when I thought you were all sleeping. I didn't want you to know about her, because I was afraid she would like you more than me. However she seemed to love me back. When we had our secret dates, we mostly talked and cuddled. We talked about marrying. About running away together and starting a family. Yeah, we really did love each other."

"Wait," James interrupted, "Can I guess what happened next?"

"Go ahead," Sirius sighed.

"You told her you're a wizard," James guessed, "She couldn't take it and left you. Is that what happened?"

"Not at all," Sirius answered, "I didn't tell her I'm a wizard. I didn't think she needed to know, until she was ready for it. When you know each other for two months, you're not yet ready to hear the other is a wizard."

"Then, what happened?" James asked, trying to sound not too curious.

"On the night of the 21st of August, the night before you confronted me with my nightly habits…" Sirius took a deep breath, "She died that night, James."

James gasped, not having expected this.

"Apparently," Sirius breath was shaking, "My dear family had found out about me having a muggle girlfriend. They couldn't take the shame. Bellatrix stopped us in the forest, together with her lovely husband Rodolphus and my dear brother Regulus. They tied me up and forced me to watch them 'play' with her. They used the cruciatus curse on her, I don't know how many times. She didn't understand a thing of it. What she did understand, was that it was my fault. I can still hear her cry my name when I close my eyes."

"That's horrible," James choked. Sirius nodded and more tears ran down her face.

"They killed her after some time," he pressed his fists against his heart, "I didn't know what to do… I carried her back to the village and left her in her bed. I don't know anything after that: what her parents did, where they buried her, what they think killed her… But every time I close my eyes, I can hear her scream and I see her face. It's killing me, James."

"I know," James whispered. He did hug his friend now and he didn't think he'd ever want to let go of him again. They were both shaking and James was on the verge of tears as well. It was horrible.

"It's not your fault," James said in a strangled voice, "But let me promise you one thing…"

Sirius clung to James even more tightly and James wanted his words to sound brave, because he meant them and he would do anything to keep his word.

"I promise I'll make you feel better," he said.

"How?" Sirius whispered.

"I'll fix you."

Soooo now you know what was wrong :) Tell me, did it surprise you? Did you see it coming? Do you like it? Or do you think it's just reaaaally crappy?

So, now there's only the epilogue left (too bad huh?) so if you review, I'll update :) you know the drill :) and after that, you can all go read my one shots. And the knew longer story I'm writing (but not posting yet)

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