Hello babies, so… here we go again. I'd say this is the last chapter to take a deep breath before the "showdown" begins ;) So, I hope you like it and you'll stay tuned :D Thanks for every review and message you send- I just love it 3

Chapter 14

It must have been hours, since she went to sleep. I didn`t.

My mind was wrapped around the moment of being one with Maura- even if we didn`t touch each other at all.

But it felt like we had crossed some invisible borderline and I knew, it wasn`t right.

I wished it was right though...

It felt right. It felt AMAZING. It felt like, this was always meant to be. Destiny.

Well, it would be, if I was human. If Maura and I could be together. If I wasn`t a monster. But I was.

I closed my eyes firmly and tried to clear my mind.

HOW COULD I?! Her smell was everywhere!

She was so intoxicating.

I shook my head as to shook this feelings off me. I had to get rid of her.

She wouldn`t leave me alone and I knew it, so I had to make her leave. For her sake. To save her.

A life with me was not a life at all. She deserved to find someone, who could give her, what she deserved.

Love, kids, a family... a real, normal, happy life.

Even though I knew, no one else could ever love her, like I did.

And I had no clue, how to even exist, when I knew, someone else was with her. Looking at her. Touching her. Loving her.

The thought made me wanna go out and kill aimlessly.

I felt a deadly cold flame burning deep inside of me, destroying all the light and warmth she had lit in me.

I had to end this. As soon as she would awake, I would end it. I had to.

When Maura opened her eyes against the bright sunlight, she didn`t know, where she was.

She blinked into the bright light and tried to think straight.

Jane.

Her head ached. The pictures of last night came back to her and an immediate blush flushed over her face.

She checked her watch- 10:30am. What the hell?

Usually she woke up at 6:00am every. damn. morning.

She hurried out of bed and headed out the door to find Jane.

The living room was empty, everything was tidy and clean.

No sound.

Jane was gone.

A bad feeling crawled up her spine. This wasn`t good.

She glanced around and found a piece of paper on the kitchen table, next to a delicious smelling breakfast- just for her.

She smiled dreamy at herself, as she picked up the note.

"Maura,

I hope you slept well and you like the little breakfast I made for you. It`s all yours. Take as much time as you want, shower, if you like.

I have things to take care of and I won`t be back until tonight. Just shut the front door when you leave.

Jane."

Maura stared at the paper for minutes. Her heart raced.

This was not good. Something was up.

A big heavy lump built in her throatand made her feel like she couldn`t breathe.

Her chest ached.

She told herself to calm down, not to overreact, breathe. Breathe.

As she stood in the shower, the hot water running down her back, she considered to wait for Jane to come back.

Wouldn`t that be rude? No, she couldn`t do that...

She had to leave... no other options...

But she could, at least, leave a note.

"Dear Jane,

thanks for your hospitality. Your breakfast was great, thanks so much for that, too. I hope to hear from you soon.".

She scribbled her number and added a smiley face to it.

But she didn`t feel like smiling at all.

Now, all she could do was waiting.

Day one.

She checked her phone every ten minutes.

The silence screamed at her.

She tried to focus on work, but as there were currently no new cases around, all she had to do was paperwork.

The sentences made no sense, letters danced in front of her eyes and all she could read was J.A.N.E.

When she got home, she was venting on Bass, who was a patient listener... but she really wished, he could answer and tell her, to calm down, god damn it.

Sleeping wasn`t easy that night.

Day two.

Maura wondered, if Jane had a phone at all.

Why should she? For what? Or whom?

But Jane knew where she lived, she could be here in one second, no matter where she was- so no excuses.

Detective Frost noticed, that Maura acted weird. She seemed sad.

He invited her out for a glass of wine and she accepted.

Who would have guessed? It was a wonderful evening.

Barry was a real gentleman- he didn`t hit on her or asked inappropriate questions, he was smart and funny and very generous.

She was grateful.

Falling asleep was much easier today, thanks to the wine.

Day three.

Maura felt awful. She had had too much wine.

Her mouth tasted as if a squirrel had died in there.

She checked her phone. Nothing.

She sighed. She knew it.

The moment she woke up and Jane was gone, she knew, this wasn`t good. And she was right.

What could she do? Driving to her house, asking her, why she didn`t call?

That would be silly. Too needy. No.

Finally a new corpse came in and Maura was delighted to get her mind of that damn phone.

As she was just cutting a piece of its liver, as her phone buzzed.

The scalpel almost went flying as she tried to get rid of her gloves as fast as possible.

The caller was unknown. Her heart raced.

"Dr. Isles."

Silence.

"Hello?", Maura asked.

No answer.

Maura inhaled deeply. "Jane?", she breathed.

A click. Someone hung up on her.

She stared at her phone. Her hand was shaking and her cheeks were on fire.

Was it her? Why didn`t she say anything?!

Maura was torn between anger, disappointment, sadness and the deep deep wanting of Janes presence in her life. Now.

I felt like an asshole.

Watching her checking her phone a thousand times a day- yes, I did watch her- made me feel like a coward through and through.

She deserved so much better... but look, what I had done. Well done, Rizzoli!

A part of me tried to believe, that she would forget me, the longer she didn`t hear from me... but deep inside I knew, it was bullshit.

I knew, how she felt for me. She would not just shrug and move on. Not my Maura.

It took more than I could bear to stay away from her.

Sometimes when I watched her, hidden somewhere in a dark corner, a part of me wanted her to see me.

But I challenged myself to stay strong. For her sake.

The days that usually just flew by, seemed to last forever, all of a sudden.

I wasn`t hungry, even though I knew, I had to eat.

There were dark circles around my eyes, which was a bad sign.

How could I eat, when all my body craved for, was her...?

All I could think of, was her hands... and how it felt, when she was touching me... herself- both of us. Whatever.

I shook my head- what had she done to me?

She was like poison to my heart.

Every evening I circled my prepaid phone, considering whether to call her or not.

OF COURSE NOT! Stupid!

But I WANTED to. So damn much.

Day 8.

She couldn`t believe, she was still functioning.

She got up every morning, she ate, she drank, she went to work and smiled politely and she went home to Bass.

And she cried. A lot.

How could she do this to her? Why?

She couldn`t believe, all this had meant nothing to Jane... she was the first person to know her secret, right?

How could she ignore that? Was she afraid? Of what?

A thousand questions bubbled up in her head, but all the answers were missing.

Maura was tired. All the time.

She even took naps in the afternoon.

She supposed, this was a sign of a beginning depression, but she couldn`t care less.

Sleeping was the best thing in the world.

A buzz woke her from sleep and at first, she wasn`t sure if it was day or night...

She glanced around- it was still dark outside. She checked the clock- 3:05.

What the...?

She picked up the phone. "Isles?", she mumbled sleepy, rubbing her face with one hand.

Silence.

Maura was wide awake within a second.

She sat up straight. "Hello?".

There was breathing at the end of the line.

Maura closed her eyes. "Who`s there?", she asked and her voice was trembling.

There! She could hear the breathing again!

"I miss you.", Janes raspy voice stated quietly.

Mauras eyes widened. She forgot to breathe.

"You know what I miss most about you?", Mauras brain was blank.

"Your face... Cause every time I see that face, I forget who I am and what I do and where I came from… I forget what my life will look like in the future, I forget that I`m alone. I forget- anything else.

And I look at you and there is warmth in me, like fire and it fills me up like- completely... I am so full of you.

And I can`t think, and I can`t eat and I can`t do anything besides... breathing... and missing you.", she closed and Maura heard her exhale audibly.

Say something, Maura!, she pushed herself.

Her brain was a giant black hole right now.

She was shaking so hard, that her back started to ache.

She cleared her throat.

"And I know, what you`re thinking- why is she bothering me with this shit at three in the morning, but... I am starving and I am dizzy and damn, I just miss you SO. MUCH. I feel drunk. So this is my excuse.

I just wanted to hear your voice, so that maybe I can go to sleep some time, but you are not talking... why would you, after I let you down for almost ten days? I`m so sorry, Maura, I really am. But you have no idea, what my life is like and all I want... all I really want is you to be as far away from that, as possible. You should run from me, you really should. Far far away...", Maura heard Jane breathing heavily.

Finally she found her voice, "Jane...", "Oh, hi. Hi... Are you mad at me, Maur?", Jane interrupted her and she really sounded drunk.

Was she able to drink? Maura wondered.

"Hi... I... I don`t know, Jane. ARE you drunk?", it just slipped out.

Jane snorted on the other end of the line. "I wish!", she answered hoarse.

"I`m sorry, that was a stupid question... I just... I don`t know what to say.", her heartbeat hammered in her ears.

What SHOULD she say, really?

Fuck you, Jane, I`ve been crying every damn night cause I thought, you wouldn`t want to see me anymore and I couldn`t stand it cause you`re the most beautiful, most amazing, funniest, smartest and sexiest human being, that has ever walked the earth and I can`t stand to be without you one more minute.

That would be the truth. But... better not.

"I miss you too, Jane.", she heard herself say and she couldn`t believe, she actually said it out loud.

"...what?!", Jane asked as if she has been falling asleep in the meantime.

"Where are you, Jane?", she changed the subject.

"I... what?!", she asked again.

"I said, where are you? Are you okay, Jane?!", Maura worried. Jane acted strange.

"No, I meant, what did you say before?".

Maura remained silent. She wasn`t sure, if she should really repeat it.

"Maura, I ...I have to go... uhm... Sorry, for waking you up, okay? Go back to sleep... bye." and the line went dead.

"Jane, wait- JANE?!", she stared at the phone at a loss.

Was that a bad joke?! Seriously?

Mauras hand dropped on her thigh. She shook her head in disbelieve.

What the hell was that?

I threw my phone on the couch and let my head drop to the window.

Congrats, Rizzoli, great job on makin an complete idiot of yourself!

I had planned on making it better, instead I made much MUCH worse.

YAY ME!