Hello again!

I hope you like this chapter. I'm not completely satisfied with it, since random ideas started flowing, so it's not exactly what I had planned to write, but I think it fits with future ideas for the story.

Thank you for everyone who reviewed (I'm not going to mention you by name this time because you are too many) I really appreciated them! Your feedback does wonders to my motivation :) And for everyone who favorited/followed as well! I hope you continue enjoying the story.

Stoopid dawg: Thank you for your suggestions! Your ideas are very similar to mine actually, so you won't be disappointed :D obviously I won't give more details to avoid spoiling the story :) And yeah, I definitely don't imagine wizarding Britain having psychologists! There are a big bunch of characters who could use one, especially both wars' survivors, so I'm sure they don't exist or we would have heard about them before.

Tempestuous Ocean: Thank you for the comment, I'm glad you think the reactions are realistic :) And I'm glad you like the Dumbledore attitude too, even though it's never been explicit in canon. To be honest, I'm not sure of how to write him, so I'm glad you like it, I guess it means I'm not screwing it up.

lordamnesia: I'm glad you appreciate the slow pace :) I know it's more exciting to see the results when he goes back to Britain, but this part is so fun to write! And I don't like the stories where Harry becomes all powerful instantly, they skip all the character growth that is quite interesting to read about.

Im Not a Hoe: Don't worry I'm not planning on abandoning it ;) But I'm a slow writer, so I can never update too often (sadly).

Nanettez: I know a lot of people think that, and it is a vision that I share. I already explained in the summary and a bunch of other places (including a PM that makes it explicit) that this Dumbledore is manipulative and will keep trying to make Harry sacrifice himself unless he finds a solution to keep him alive, even if he loves Harry and doesn't want him to die. I'm sorry, but that is not going to change no matter how many times you say it.

Anyway, on with the story! Now you will start to see how Harry indirectly is already causing some changes in other canon characters' lives, especially Sirius.

DISLCAIMER: Anything you recognize from the HP universe is JK Rowling's not mine. I'm not making profit from this story.

Chapter 14

Petunia shrieked when the owl appeared in her balcony, right in front of where she was sitting. She promptly untied the letter, abstaining from screaming. It wouldn't do for the other guests to hear. It was that dammed headmaster, demanding that they go back to Privet Drive. She knew they wouldn't, and debated whether to answer or just ignore the owl until it got the meaning and left.

She was entirely conscious of the consequences, thank you very much. She knew that if they didn't go back on time the wards would fail, and her nephew wouldn't be able to live with them anymore. She knew it also implied that she and her family wouldn't be safe from whatever danger was lurking. What she hadn't known until now, and it did change everything, was that Lord Voldemort was back.

At first she hadn't wanted to go on vacation until the boy left for his friends' house, like they did every year. Those were always the rules they had lived by, knowing that he needed to stay there for some time with them. But Vernon couldn't hear of it this time. He had been offered this completely paid opportunity, and it was too good to pass up. He was sick of limiting his time out with his family because of that boy, and he didn't care one bit about their nephew having to go somewhere else to live, or about them losing the supposed protection from the old followers of a dead maniac. They had not been able to take long family holidays because of the freak until he went to that horrible school, and Vernon couldn't take it anymore, especially not until having been offered his dream holiday for free. They had argued about it for about a month, and he had told her that if she cared more about the boy than about their own time together, maybe she should stay with him and he and Dudley could take Marge with them to Spain.

That had made her reconsider, and think carefully about what her priorities were when it came to her family. She had been willing, all those years ago, to give up their nice normalcy to protect the last reminder of Lily. Vernon had agreed, as long as they didn't spare anything beyond the basic costs for the boy, and at the beginning it had been okay. The money from the stipend let them buy better presents for Dudley, at the very least.

Nevertheless, keeping her nephew had soon started to take its toll on them. They were constantly worried that someone would suspect something or figured their secret out. Or that the boys would get close, and then Dudley would be crushed and jealous when he realized he couldn't do magic. And then, they had to start rearranging their whole lives and holidays to avoid leaving the freak alone, cutting on their family time and straining her relationship with Vernon. Yes, Petunia had agreed to give up on a normal life for the boy, but she wasn't willing to give up what was left of her marriage and family too.

They deserved to have a long holiday together, just the three of them, and she hadn't regretted it until now. She had had an amazing time with Vernon and Dudders, and Harry was fifteen anyway, and had a godfather to take care of him. He didn't need to live with them anymore, and they didn't need the protection his presence offered. Or at least, they hadn't needed it when Voldemort was dead.

A shiver ran through Petunia's spine when that thought made its way into her head. Voldemort would definitely go after her nephew, and if he didn't live with them anymore they would be unprotected from the evil wizard. He would not hesitate to kill them like he had a lot of people, including her own parents. She didn't want to lose her family, especially now that they had a chance to live peacefully together. They would have to sell the house and move. If her nephew didn't live with them they wouldn't appear in any magical registry, so Voldemort wouldn't find them. It was that, or going back home with the boy before a week passed. She would have to talk to Vernon today.

Ron looked again at Harry's latest letter, thoroughly confused. He had been bummed when they had forbidden him to give Harry information about what was happening, and had correctly expected his many letters asking for it constantly. What he hadn't expected was for Harry to stop asking. He searched the letter more carefully, as if a question was concealed somewhere. Harry's last letter thanked him for the Quidditch jersey, told him about some fun celebrations he'd had and had a general happy tone, showing none of the frustration from before at being left out. Ron was relieved, but also mystified. What had happened to Harry to make him stop being interested in what Voldemort was doing? He didn't think that would have been possible, so maybe he had found the information from someone else. Who could it be? And what was up with his friend?

Harry closed 'Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts', his mind reeling. He had just finished the book, and had learned more about the last war from it than during the rest of his life. Why hadn't he ever thought of finding out more? It had started as random muggle killings and deals with dark creatures that didn't attract anyone's attention, and by the time it did, Voldemort's group had become too powerful. Was that what would happen this time too? Entire families had been wiped, and his number of followers had grown exponentially as time went on. All of his suspected followers' names, which had been acquitted or convicted, were there. He wished he had bothered to read this book sooner. He already felt a little more prepared, like he could predict Voldemort's tactics a little better.

He wondered what Voldemort had done between accusing Hagrid in fifth year and starting to recruit followers for the war. At least twenty-five years had passed between the two events, and apparently he had disappeared well enough for no one to connect the monster to the boy he had once been. Would people be less scared of him if they knew he had once been a normal person? That he was actually human? He should consider letting others know it…

"Everything ok?" asked Anto lightly. She was resting on Harry's chest, reading a novel.

"Yeah, I have to go to Carmen's office soon" Harry replied, not sharing his dark thoughts. He would tell her eventually, he always did, when it was the right moment. She nodded and got up to leave him space to arrange his things.

"You know where to find me when you're done" she said mischievously, and left the room. She would most likely be at the beach with their friends when he came back. Anto loved swimming and the beach in general, and Harry could understand why. There was something infinitely relaxing about being alone with the sea, or even about hanging out in the beach no matter the company.

He picked up the portkey-lighter and waited for it to glow, not eager for his session. Even though they had always been useful, he never had the urge to go to Carmen's office. It was infinitely tiring to talk about his feelings, and realize how many problems he actually had. Sometimes it almost seemed like he would have preferred to stay ignorant, but then he remembered how much motivating his life seemed now that he had actually decided to search for himself and for what he wanted, and he resigned to talking to her. It had definitely helped. At least, now when he got angry he could somehow understand why and analyze it before exploding, and he was less shy about expressing what he wanted. He was less scared of confronting people, and he felt a little bit more like he deserved to be happy. He knew it was a long-term therapy, but he could already see some changes, and it made his life seem a little easier.

'Hello Harry' greeted Carmen cheerfully as soon as he made himself comfortable 'how are you today?'

'I'm good' replied Harry 'I've finished all my summer homework now, and I actually found almost all of it interesting' Carmen nodded eagerly, so he kept going. 'It's the first time I've done it without needing to be hiding in the middle of the night, and it was really nice, like I could focus more. If I felt like this about schoolwork during the year it would be great'.

'How do you usually feel about schoolwork?' asked Carmen interestedly. Harry answered her slowly, thinking while he spoke. He never saw the need to do his assignments until the last minute, and since he was always rushed for time when he did them, he had always thought of them as an extra stress factor. The practical portion he usually didn't bother to practice unless Ron was ahead of him, but he always kept at the redhead's level. He wondered why this was, given that he usually found the spells interesting. He had always done the minimum effort necessary to pass his classes decently, and nothing beyond that. This was one of the things he had proposed himself to change, but how could he do that if he didn't know why it happened?

'You've said before that you limit yourself because of your friends, would you say this is one of the aspects in which you do that?' asked Carmen softly.

'Yeah' replied Harry, thinking hard. He was slightly afraid of what his friends' reactions would be if Harry started making more effort in class. Ron would be jealous of him performing better, and angry that Harry had less time to spare and play chess. And Hermione would be really eager if he improved, but annoying and frustrated if he was ever better than her at anything academic. Maybe he had held back partly to avoid conflict with his two friends? If that was the case, it had to change this year, no matter how much conflict he caused. It was difficult to face it, but it was high time that he reached for the things he wanted for himself.

Why hold back in school specifically, though? He didn't make an effort in it, which made Hermione frustrated, and he didn't take sides in Ron and Hermione's fights, which often made Ron angry. Why didn't he have a problem with doing those things, knowing his friends' reactions, but was still scared of studying more?

'Maybe you think the studying will have deeper consequences than anger' suggested Carmen when he asked. 'What do you think would be your friends' worst possible reactions?'

'I don't know' said Harry stunned 'With the other things I just picture Hermione leaving and not talking for a day, or Ron shouting…but with the schoolwork, I can't really picture that. I just have a vague feeling that I don't know what could happen with our friendship and that scares me'.

'So you think your friendship with them would end if you put more effort in school?' asked Carmen, confused 'Why with that and not anything else?'

'Er, I don't know' said Harry, thinking hard 'I guess I feel like their love is conditional on me doing certain things that they like…I know it's not right, I've done a lot of things they don't like and we've stayed friends, but it's just the way I feel…like if I show some parts of me they won't love me anymore…and schoolwork is one of them. I feel like if I don't hold back they would not want to be my friends'.

'Well, we've discussed that your feeling of needing to censor yourself sometimes for people to love you comes from censoring yourself around your relatives to avoid shouting and punishments' Carmen told him gently 'it was a necessary response at some point which became automatic, and now you replicate that in your actual relationships'. Harry nodded, having discussed this in the last few sessions.

'Yes I know, I ended up creating a notion of love that is conditional to me doing what others want, which is not true' he said impatiently 'but I don't understand why I feel that I have to do what my friends want about schoolwork specifically. I mean, it's not such a vital thing…if I think rationally, even if Ron and Hermione didn't like me putting more effort in school, they would get over it, anyone would…but when I think about doing that and facing them I start feeling like they won't talk to me anymore or something'.

'Well, maybe schoolwork is one of the things you had to censor around your relatives to avoid punishment, so you started thinking of it as something that makes people decide whether to love you or not' Carmen suggested. Harry thought about that carefully, knowing it was entirely possible. As far as he could remember, he had always held back in primary school, even giving wrong answers deliberately at times. Now that he considered it that was not normal behavior for a child. Why did he do it? He remembered being concerned about avoiding being better than Dudley, so the Dursleys must have forced him to pretend that at some point.

'I can't remember though, I must have been really young when they did that' he told Carmen frowning after confiding in her his suspicions.

'Or maybe you suppressed it, if it was too traumatic for you' she said gently 'they often say that to get through traumas it's often useful to remember the specific event that caused it'.

'But how do I do that?' asked Harry, confused. 'It's not like I can choose to remember that or not'.

'Well, I can help you, but you would need to allow me into your mind, so you have to think about it and sign a form' told him Carmen, beginning to explain the process, Harry listening intently. Apparently, there was a way to shield your thoughts from others called Occlumency, and when you suppressed memories they did an advanced form of it, shielding the thought from yourself too. Harry was surprised to know that even muggles could achieve this state in case of trauma, and that they even had a treatment for it, though it definitely wasn't foolproof.

'Hypnosis is an art from wizarding origins, and consists on the patient giving the hypnotizer access to his mind and concentrating on his earliest memories of having the trauma' Carmen explained 'The hypnotizer then looks for a block associated with those memories that appears in the patient's mind and tries to access it by breaking the block, so the patient can remember that memory again. Muggles try to recreate this by creating a setting in which the hypnotizer tries to help the patient break the block themselves, but their success depends on the strength of the block and the willingness of the patient, so they get dubious results'.

'So you're saying that if I let you do this and you find a block I could get rid of that trauma?' Harry asked. He didn't like the idea of letting anyone invade his mind, but he trusted Carmen, and the idea of not feeling anguish whenever he thought about doing his best to learn more was too tempting. If he was going to do this therapy, he might as well do it right.

'A normal of these blocks takes about half an hour to break' Carmen told him 'yours could be easier or harder'. Harry bet on harder, but complied when Carmen told him to lie on the couch and started thinking of that day in preschool when he was very conscious of not answering his teacher's question, because Dudley hadn't learnt the numbers yet so he couldn't know them either, or Uncle Vernon would be angry…

Little by little Harry started remembering, and when Carmen was done he was shaking with rage. How could Vernon (he found it hard to call him Uncle after seeing that) treat a four-year-old child like that? He had fucking hit him! He wished he could burn the images and sensations out of his mind, but having just remembered them, they seemed all too clear. How Vernon had been shouting at something angrily even before he saw his report card, how Harry had helped Aunt Petunia set the table as quietly as possible so as to avoid his uncle's anger, and how he'd received it anyway. Aunt Petunia's gasp of horror resonated in Harry's mind as much as Dudley's look of sick fascination when Vernon had delivered the first punch. It had only been three times, but for his four-year-old body that had been entirely too much, and the pain felt unbearable. So did the feeling of being sorry that he wasn't useful enough to let Dudley shine in class, and that being smart was something he'd never repeat again.

At the fourth punch Harry had done accidental magic, and an invisible shield had erected between him and Vernon, which had made the beefy man even angrier, but had given Aunt Petunia enough time to get her husband to come back to his senses. Her look of horror at what he'd done was what made him reconsider, and he'd ashamedly apologized to her, not sparing his nephew a glance. She'd told him to make sure it never happened again, and he'd promised her it wouldn't. Then he'd turned back to Harry, who had been so terrified he couldn't move, and sent him to his cupboard. They had left him without food for three days, and he now remembered the pangs of hunger had been as painful as the punches, and had solidified his resolution to never show he was better than Dudley at school again. Aunt Petunia had never given him food as he'd hoped, despite having convinced Vernon not to hit him. She had given him a horrible look when he saw her those days, which his four-year-old self couldn't interpret, but at fifteen he could. She thought Harry had turned Vernon into a monster.

Vernon had ignored Harry after that, or given him angry orders from afar, and it was clear that he'd been somewhat scared, who knows if of Harry or of himself. Harry had the strong suspicion that the man he'd called his uncle had never hit him after that. Dudley, on the other hand, had found the whole ordeal rather funny. A short while after the incident, he had invented the game of Harry-hunting. Harry had always attributed it to Dudley making friends who he could play with, but maybe it had more to do with the sick fascination when he'd seen Vernon beat Harry.

'Well, I guess that explains why I felt that doing good at school would stop people from loving me' he said weakly to Carmen. He wasn't sure he wanted to speak anymore, remembering that awful experience had taken a lot of energy out of him. Then again, he could instantly see it had worked, so it had been useful. A grim determination surrounded him, of not letting his uncle win and do and learn the most he could. Hermione and Ron might feel unsettled if he started to study, and maybe their friendship dynamics would shift a little, but he wasn't scared of that anymore. It was worth it to become the person he wanted to be.

Sirius looked sneakily at Remus across the dinner table, wondering how his announcement would be received. Bill caught his eye and grinned, knowing what it was about. The curse breaker had checked and modified the wards to Sirius' liking two days ago, so now his house wouldn't accidentally kill anyone unless they had a dark mark, and Buckbeak would not be able to walk or fly out of the protected area. Sirius had come to trust Bill over the summer, noticing his way of thinking was quite different to his shrill mother's, and the former prisoner was glad to have the redhead's support.

Everything was ready to move and start decorating the house to their liking. Andromeda and Remus had performed the Fidelius Charm today, and Sirius wouldn't be telling anyone the location for now. Flippy and Sassy had easily moved Buckbeak and his supplies without anyone noticing, so the hypogriff was already at the townhouse, probably enjoying his first good fly in ages, or maybe resting in the shed the house-elves had built for him. Their possessions were also already at the house, along with the catalogues from the biggest decorating and furniture store Sirius had found. He had even sent a copy to Harry, along with pictures of his bedroom as it was now, so he could decide what he wished to do with it. Sirius and Remus hadn't looked through the catalogues yet, and the dog-animagus had the firm suspicion they wouldn't find the time until after his trial, which was in two days, so for now they were stuck with the antique looking furniture, but he would take that over Grimmauld Place and Molly's orders any day.

'I have an announcement to make' spoke up Sirius when Dumbledore asked if there was any other business to be discussed. Everyone turned to him expectantly, and he took a deep breath. Even though he was sick of everyone's orders, it was difficult for him to confront them, especially the old headmaster. He was so used to following what the others said that standing up to say something he had chosen for himself and that no one expected felt completely strange.

'I just want to tell you that I am donating Grimmauld Place to the Order to be Headquarters and a safe house for anyone who needs it' he started saying more confidently than he felt 'Remus and I will no longer be living here, so our rooms are available as of now, as well as the master bedroom. You are welcome to make any changes you want, it is now the Order's house, not mine' he directed the last part mainly at Molly. He knew Andromeda disapproved of allowing this, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He hated this house, so the less he saw it, and the less it reminded him of his childhood, the better. He had compromised with his cousin nevertheless, and ordered Kreacher to move all the family heirlooms and cursed items to separate vaults at Gringotts. That way Andromeda would not lose heirlooms she valued, and no one could hold Sirius responsible if dangerous things were lying around.

Everyone stared speechless at his statement, and he could see Remus blushing slightly at the attention. He thought he saw a look of frustration in Dumbledore's face, but he reasoned he had imagined it. He was probably worried about their safety of something.

'Well, that's awesome' Tonks broke the silence brightly, and Bill joined her, congratulating them on their new home and pretending to be surprised.

'I wouldn't advice that' said the headmaster serenely 'this house is one of the safest places in Britain and you are regrettably still a fugitive, Sirius'. Some people looked like they were about to agree, but Sirius cut them off.

'My new house is as safe as this one, and also under the Fidelius, so we will have no safety concerns. And with all due respect, it's no one's business but Remus' and I' he said coolly, his confidence returning. None of them had any right to criticize his living arrangements. He was a grown man, and being a former prisoner didn't make him any less capable of making decisions as they were.

'You shouldn't talk to the headmaster like that' Molly admonished him 'he's worried about your safety; we all are, so it is our business. Who is your secret keeper anyway? How do you know you can trust them?'. Just like every other time she talked, she sparked the anger in Sirius. Why she insisted on treating him like an immature child he would never understand. She was only six years older than him, and he wasn't worth any less.

'It is not your business, I'm thirty-five. I don't see anyone debating whether Emmeline's house is safe enough or not. Where to live is my decision alone, and it's made'. He said firmly, his chilly tone surprising even himself 'I'm not one of your underage kids, Molly. I'm just someone fighting for your same cause who had been kind enough to lend his house to you and your family. That does not give you the right to boss me around'. Molly stayed quiet, wide eyed, and everyone did the same. You could cut the tension with a knife. Remus looked reprovingly at Sirius for lashing out, but Sirius didn't regret it. It was high time they treated him with respect. If he could not be useful for the war efforts, at least he would be useful for himself and his godson.

'I agree. Congratulations on your new home. Maybe we could open a bottle of mead to celebrate' Kingsley finally spoke, his reassuring voice diminishing the tension slightly. Hestia instantly agreed and got up animatedly, and everyone followed, pretending there hadn't been a fight about to break out. Dumbledore left, still with that strangely frustrated look in his eye, and Snape and Moody followed. Molly disappeared subtly, while everyone else talked and laughed, and Sirius smiled, satisfied. He had stood up to the Order and achieved what he wanted. He had his own home now, and other pleasant changes in his life were about to come. He could feel it.

Mrs. Figg struggled with the cat food bag, approaching Wisteria Walk. She tried to encourage herself, thinking there were only three more blocks to go. She was clearly getting old, and now more than ever missed the gift that her family had been blessed with. A feather-light charm would be incredibly useful in her daily life, not to mention all the household spells her mother had used daily…

She felt a sudden chill in her veins that seemed out of place in the warm, summer night. She ignored it at first, but it got stronger, and filled her with a sense of despair that she couldn't mistake for natural anymore. Horror growing inside her, she moved faster toward her house. Mrs. Figg had often heard of the horrible feelings dementors caused, and she didn't need to have experienced them first-hand to recognize them.

She needed to floo to Hogwarts and ask Dumbledore for help. She had no doubt the creatures were here looking for Harry Potter, and who knows who they would attack once they didn't find their victim. She walked as fast as she could, dropping the bag of cat food in the process. It would only hinder her, and there were more important things at the moment. She wished she could actually see the creatures, as she didn't even know exactly how close they were.

Suddenly, she was assaulted with awful memories she had worked very hard to forget over the years. She could clearly see her mother's disdain when she looked at her, and her father's anger when they had decided to keep her locked in the house instead of going to a muggle school. She could remember her brother and sister laughing when she cried because she wanted to go to Hogwarts with them, breaking her little by little. She tried to shake the images off, noticing that this probably meant she had gotten too close to the dementors. She ran in the opposite direction, searching for a detour, but the memories got stronger and stronger, taking away her hope of ever being happy again. She wouldn't be able to reach Dumbledore. She would die alone, never having enjoyed her magical origins or embraced the muggle world.

She fell to the floor, not being able to go any further, and knowing that the creatures were too close for her to do anything. She felt its awful, ragged breathing, knowing what her fate would be. It was a blessing when she finally felt the unbearable pain of her memories leaving her. Her last thought was that it wasn't such a big loss. Her life had been as empty as her body would now be.

I hope you liked it! I know you are impatient about Harry going to Hogwarts, but at least now you're already seeing some changes from canon in England!

To those of you who like Mrs. Figg, sorry! There is no way Harry being abroad would change the fact that Umbridge sends dementors to his house, since she doesn't even know he's not there! So they can't be ignored, and she was in the way :( And characters will die in my story, since I don't like the ones where magically everything goes perfectly.

Next chapter comes Sirius' trial! :) Stay tuned, and please tell me your thoughts and suggestions!