Inside the Series: Bleach

Welcome to Ishida Uryu: Part III, my friends. Naturally, I don't own Bleach or anything it stands for.

"Good evening, and welcome to the studio session with Ishida Uryu of Bleach fame," said Charles. "For those who don't know me, I'm Charles Tolle, and I advise you watch my shows. So, welcome and go fuck yourself, Mr. Ishida. It's great to have you on for the last time."

"You're probably planning to humiliate me here so that I will stain my Quincy honor," said Uryu. "Therefore, on my honor as a Quincy, I will not let you humiliate me."

"Excellent," said Charles, "Because depending on how you answer, you might humiliate yourself. And we wouldn't want that, would we? First question comes from Matt Walsh."

"Are you a fan of the music of Aerosmith?" Matt Walsh asked.

"No," said Uryu.

"It's because they wrote a song about him," said Charles.

"No, it's because I don't particularly care for hard rock."

"But I know you like other things hard."

"Very funny. Out of curiosity, what song do you claim Aerosmith wrote about me?"

"Dude looks like a lady!"

"I do not!"

"If you put a dress on, you do. Second question comes from Verity Bookman."

"Is it true that you are an authorized stapler salesman?" Verity Bookman asked.

"No, but I am authorized to sell monkey wrenches," Uryu answered.

"That's an indecent accident," Charles commented.

"What the hell does that mean?" Uryu asked.

"You're also an indecent accident, now that I think about it," said Charles. "Your parents should have used a condom that didn't break. Third question is from Tyler Levin."

"Is it true that you were born because of a busted condom?" Tyler Levin asked.

"No," said Uryu.

"Yes," said Charles.

"Yes!" shouted a man in the audience. Uryu's father stood up. "Yes, the condom actually broke when I came, so I knocked up my wife and that guy on the stage next to the other busted condom baby is my son."

"My parents didn't use protection," said Charles. "That's why they have me."

"I pity them," Uryu said.

"Fuck you too, Mr. Ishida. Fourth question is from Alex Keller."

"Have you ever been raped because of the internet?" Alex Keller asked. "Also, have you ever tried to rape someone with the internet? And did you find yourself on Dateline ever for any reason? That's it."

"No, no, and no," said Uryu.

"Are you kidding?" his father asked. "That boy got on Myspace, and he was raped three times in five days."

"Thank you, Dad."

"I'm not finished. He tried to get revenge on those guys who raped him, but he failed and they raped him again. So he went and raped some kids to stick it to the world."

"That's enough, Dad."

"I'm still not finished. Anyway, he tried to rape the wrong kid, and ended up on To Catch a Predator. It was funny as hell. Especially when that Predator came and tried to kill Uryu. But Arnold Glover killed it."

"Good to know," said Charles. "Seventh question is from Patrick Yang."

"How do you know when...?" Patrick Yang began.

"I'm sorry," said Charles, "But showtime is up. We'll save your questions for some other time, if ever. Mr. Ishida, thank you for joining us today. Uryu, go to hell."

"Same to you," said Uryu.

"I'll show you a public encounter next show," said Charles. "I can't think of anything catchy for tonight, so good night."

Next time we will see Rukia back on the show.