Sigh No More Chapter Fourteen: I can't get these memories out of my mind, And some kind of madness has started to evolve.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
A/N: Wow! I am so sorry guys, I know I said that once we got to this month I would be posting more regularly and that hasn't happened at all. I just got the internet, but my classes are really rough this quarter (I studied for six hours straight the other day, after eight hours of classes). I actually thought I hadn't posted chapter 13 yet so I wasn't in as much of a rush to do anything. I didn't hear anything about the tumblr mentioning from last chapter, but I decided that I would post it up for you guys anyways. It should be under lolgrl92 and with that, on with the story.
Everything in my office had been destroyed. The bookshelves that were once lined neatly with text I deemed important or of any worth were lying across the room with pages and covers missing, some burnt from a spell fired in frustration and anger. The perfect mahogany desk, which had been given to my 17th birthday from my Grandfather Abraxas as was stated in his will, was overturned. Two of the legs were missing, a third broken in half, and the fourth protruded from it uselessly. There were holes and burn marks scattered across the walls, and the window had been blown out.
The important documents that I kept in here had been moved earlier, which I was thankful for. It would have been a real pain to start all of the information from scratch. I could do it, but it would take a lot more effort and patience than I held at the moment. Obviously.
I had been sitting at my desk, working on ways to assassinate people for the Dark Lord, struggling not to think about Hermione and our children. For the past two weeks that she had been gone I had been battling my mind constantly from thinking about them; my mother had told me that I was projecting my thoughts at certain times and she didn't want anyone to take advantage of that.
Finally, I had had enough. Why in Merlin's name couldn't I control myself? I was acting like some pining git, and the worst thing was that I knew it. And in a rage I had broken everything in sight.
"Draco, I was wondering-Sweet Circe! What happened? Were you attacked? Are you okay?" my mother panicked when she saw me standing in the middle of the once pristine office, rushing over to check and make sure that I wasn't harmed. She ran her hands over my head, face, shoulders, and chest—as if that would tell her if I was hurt in any way.
"I'm fine Mother." I sighed, capturing her fluttering hands in my own and slowly taking them off of me.
"But what happened?" she frowned, eyes boring into mine.
"I got mad." I said simply, running a hand through my already messy hair. It was a habit that had gotten worse since Hermione left, it normally only happened when I was upset, or confused; which to be honest, wasn't often. Except that now it seemed that those were the only two things I felt besides this overwhelming need to finish what I had planned for most of my life.
"You...you destroyed everything." She took in the room before her with wide eyes. "Why?"
"I'm just having a little bit of a struggle with staying focused. I really needed to get something done, and its taking me longer than it normally would." I shrugged and motioned for her to follow me out of the office. "Tassie?"
"Yes Master Malfoy?" she popped in next to me immediately.
"I need you to clean my office. I would appreciate it if everything was returned to its original condition that can be, and that it's done by tomorrow morning."
"Right away Master Malfoy!" she curtsied quickly before heading to my office to inspect what exactly she would be cleaning.
"Draco, we need to talk about this." Mother said, her face taking on a look that told me there was no way it wasn't going to happen.
"I don't want to talk about it. I have it under control." I knew I sounded like a petulant child at the moment, but it was the one time that she left me alone.
"That's just it Draco! You aren't in control anymore, and it's becoming obvious." She fretted, fixing me with a firm glare.
"I..." I searched my mind for some sort of explanation, some excuse so that she would leave me alone so that I could work on the Finding Spell and Potion, but everything evaded me.
"Bellatrix said that you were irritable, inattentive, and disrespectful after you had left dinner last night."
"Well that's because Bellatrix is a bitc—"
"Don't you dare finish that sentence boy." The husky voice of my crazy aunt drawled lazily as she entered my rooms, one eyebrow raised as if that would make me apologize for what I had been about to say.
"What? The part where I was going to call you a Bitch? Or how about the other where I say that you're mentally unstable?" I challenged, anger now burning like a fire in the pit of my stomach. I had been a coward when Hermione was tortured in my own foyer, and had done nothing when I knew that it was Bellatrix who had killed her husband, and had tried to kill her multiple times.
But Hermione had left me, and I was done hiding. I was done pretending to be the perfect nephew that followed orders and listened like a child. No, I was a man now and it was well past time that I acted like one.
"How dare you!" she snarled, wand drawn and pointed at me. I was about to draw my own wand when my mother stepped in front of me, wand aimed straight and steady at her older sister.
"Don't you ever raise your wand to my son Bella." She said calmly, not once taking her eyes off of her. I stared at the scene in front of me in shock, even more frustrated with myself now that my mother was in danger and that I had placed her in it.
"Then maybe you should teach him some manners." Bellatrix snapped, eyes narrowed into dangerous slits. I knew that look, it was the same one she got when she was planning on how to dispose of someone who was in her way, and she always succeeded in doing it.
"My son is not only heir to the Malfoy fortune and estates, but to the Dark Lord himself. The only person he has to mind his manners around is the Dark Lord, and it's time you learned your place and remembered that!" My mother didn't raise her voice, but each word was said with a chilling delivery that I had never heard out of her before.
"I am His second in command! His most faithful servant!" Bellatrix screamed, eyes bugging out with her rage.
"No, my son is. The only reason he hasn't said anything before is because of the love I have for you as my sister. He has born your abuse silently, and with dignity. Rest assured, all I would have to do is give word that you threated the life of His heir and you would be no more." I knew she was going to cast a spell before my mother even finished speaking, and I knew that my mother would stand there and take it for me.
"Deceptus!" I shouted, knowing that Bellatrix would stop the spell before it hit her, but her attention would be turned to me and that was all I wanted.
"Oh, so now you want to be a man?" she threw her head back and laughed, deep and long, and the hairs on the back of my neck and arms stood on end at the madness she displayed.
"Draco, stay out of this. I've let my sister get away with far too much over the years, and its time I remind her of her betters." My mother flicked her wand at me, and the spell she cast had me moved over next to a window and the curtain binding me to the spot tightly, leaving me unable to reach my wand.
"My better? You?" Bellatrix snorted, and then attacked viciously, sparing no mercy for her younger sister. I watched as my mother held her ground, her head raised high as she kept all of her attention focused on the deflecting and throwing her own spells back just as fast. I had never seen my mother duel or even lift up her wand in defense before.
As much as I wanted to let my mother have the satisfaction of defeating Bellatrix, I couldn't risk the chance that something were to happen to her. And while I could see that she was holding her own, I knew that Bellatrix had been fighting ruthlessly for longer than I had been alive.
I put all of my energy into figuring out how to break the charm my mother had placed on the curtain to keep me there. It would have been a lot easier if she had actually spoken the words aloud, but after a few moments I figured it out and was free. As a flash of green light flew towards my mother I hastily shot a spell at her that I knew she would be very upset with me at later. She dropped to the ground as the killing curse flew passed where she had just been standing, and I quickly moved her out of the way, making sure to watch my aunt closely as I did so.
"You just tried to kill my mother." The words sounded calm as they left my mouth, but I was shaking with poorly concealed fury.
"Do you really care for her that much?" Bellatrix's eyes lit up at the realization and I once again cursed my own stupidity. "Oh! Draco loves his mummy!" she mocked, as if it was my gravest mistake.
"And you don't love your sister." It wasn't a question; we both already knew the answer to that. But she decided to answer it anyways.
"Love is for the weak boy! And the sooner we get that through your head the better! My Lord will thank me for ridding his heir of weakness."
"I swear on my magic that if you harm my mother I will kill you." I could feel the tingle of my oath go through my body, and Bellatrix's eyes widened slightly as she saw my body glow softly as my magic accepted my promise.
"Where's your little whore Mudblood?" she asked suddenly, looking around what was visible to her in my rooms.
"That's none of your concern." I let a bored look take over my face, as if I could care less about Hermione.
"Oh Draco," she scoffed, twirling her wand through her fingers idly. "I know how you look at her, how you brought her filth child in this manor, how you hoped to have another with her."
"It must be nice to always live in such a delusional world. Tell me Aunt Bella, are you feeling lucky?"
"I don't believe in luck boy." She barked, her focus down for just the smallest of moments. But it was all I needed for what I planned on doing. I silently casted three spells in quick succession at her, holding back my smirk as she was rendered motionless, unable to speak, and incapable of doing magic. The last spell I had created by myself, and while it wasn't the strongest out there it was unique which meant it would be harder to break.
"That's too bad, because I believe you just got lucky. I would end your pathetic life right here, right now. Unfortunately, you aren't mine to kill. I must remind you that if you try and harm my mother, than that changes everything. I will kill you Aunt Bella, and it will be slow."
I looked down on her still body with disdain showing clearly on my face; I twirled my wand through my fingers for a few rounds as I decided what I was going to do next. I flicked my wand towards her lazily, moving her down to the dungeons. When she was gone my mother rushed over to me, her hands running over my body and face to check for any injuries.
"Oh Dragon, are you okay?" she searched my face, her blue eyes bright with tears. "I should have let you handle it, I know that. It's just, you're my son. I believe in my heart that I will always fight for you, regardless of what it costs me." Her bottom lip trembled as she tried to press her lips tightly together in an attempt to stop herself from crying.
"Mum, I know you can take care of yourself. I'm not mad at you for what just happened. I can see that my decisions have led us to this point, and that they have placed you in danger." I pulled her into my arms, her head resting over my heart and mine on top of hers. "While I know that you would do anything to take care of me, you must know that I would be devastated if something were to happen to you. I need you to promise me that unless someone is attacking you and you can't see another way out, to not get into any fights."
"If it were for your safety-"she started, sniffling.
"No, not for me Mum okay? I'm going to keep you safe, so that one day you can be happy and free." I whispered, holding her closer. I could feel my body shaking of its own accord, and I realized that the closer the ends to the plans came the more I was losing control over myself.
"What are you doing Draco? I'm watching you fall apart in front of me and I feel so helpless not being able to help." I shook my head, pulling away from her and walking towards the window Hermione always stood at with Rose; showing her the world in the only miserable way I had made available to her. "Talk to me, please let me in." she pleaded.
I closed my eyes, trying to shut out everything. I didn't want to think about having to deal with Bellatrix next time, or wondering what she was planning on doing to my mother. I expertly avoided recalling the worst argument my best mate and I had ever gotten into two weeks ago, and how we had barely spoken to each other since then. I definitely didn't want to deal with having to go talk to Arcturus's sixteen year old sister Mira about her crazed pureblooded supremacist views; nor the minor plan to kill the Dark Lord and overthrow his bloody system.
At the top of the list of the things I would have preferred not to think about was Hermione. Worse than that was combing thoughts of her with Rosie. And the most crippling to run through my head was anything to do with Hermione, Rose, and our baby. My son or daughter that I hadn't known about, and wanted to know more than anything I had ever wanted. It made my throat drop into my stomach, and left me with a constant, deep ache that never seemed to relent.
I didn't want to pull myself out of whatever sort of funk I had, because that would mean that everything that had happened since she had left was real. If I pulled myself out of whatever mess I was stuck in, then I would have to admit that I had fucked up; I had lost the one thing that mattered the most to me. And that was it, my big problem. I had lost what I had been fighting for—after waiting as long as I did to get it in the first place, having it seemingly snatched from my arms was a bit depressing really.
"I'm sad Mother," I finally said, eyes still closed. "I'm working my arse off to do what I think is right, for the people I love, and everything is falling apart around me. I never believed in destiny, or fate; I always thought we made our own paths with whatever roads are presented to us. These last few months have slowly been breaking apart my belief however, and I'm beginning to feel like no matter what I do, the outcome that I want will never happen because its fate. Otherwise I don't understand this world, and why we're here. If this is how it's supposed to be, then why am I here?
"There's this emptiness, this blankness inside of me, and it aches all the time. It's a constant reminder that I'm failing, that I'm not going to be worth it because what have I done to be worthy? I've done nothing, and I know, and you know it, and everyone in the blasted country knows it! The only thing I've ever done is come into this world, and I had nothing to do with that either. I know you're not proud of me, I saw your face when you found out I was getting the Dark Mark, and after I got it. I understand; I disappointed myself as well that day. I know that everyone that I went to school with knows I'm a Death Eater, and they hate me for it; everyone in the ranks hates me because I'm a Malfoy and the Dark Lord's heir. I know all of this. And it kills me inside, but I have to hide it, everyday! I have to keep everything inside of me all the time so that no one can see this—me being anything but perfect—"
"No one is perfect Draco, no one ever has been either." I opened my eyes to my mother's hand in my own, her tears long gone, but a dejected look replaced them. "I know you have so many burdens placed on your shoulders love, and I am proud of you. I see that you are an entirely different person than what you show them, and I love that person just as much as I love the other, because I know you are doing everything you can do to be a great man. We've all done things were not proud of love, but as long as you work on becoming a person who learns from their mistakes then I see no reason to fault you."
She pulled me over to the couch so that we could both sit down, and I did so quickly. Destroying my office, fighting with Bellatrix, and letting everything out had really taken a toll on my body.
"I'll be fine mother; I just need some time to myself is all." I sighed, suddenly feeling completely exhausted. I had been blocking, or rather attempting to block, all of those things in the first place for a while now.
"And you haven't lost her. You'll find her again, and do things the right way I'm sure. Everything will work out for you—not because it just falls into place, but because you're willing to do anything to make sure it does. And that's what makes you worthy love." She kissed my cheek before patting my hand fondly, making her way out of my rooms.
"What am I doing?" I groaned once I was sure she was out of the room and I was alone. I sat there for a while, trying to collect my thoughts and self before heading over to her library and making myself at home at the desk. I tapped my wand against the bottom of the wood three times in a diagonal pattern and the top of the surface opened up to reveal a secret compartment three inches deep and ten wide.
Inside was all of the research and work I had done so far on the spell I had used on Hermione in the first place, and the book itself. It was technically an old family member's journal, but I had found a lot of quite decent spells and potions in them growing up. I pulled them out and flipped through the parchment I already wrote on until I came to the most recent breakthroughs, looking them over with a new intensity. If I couldn't concentrate while Hermione, Rose, and the baby were gone, then I would just have to find and bring them back as quickly as possible.
I had tried to explain to Arcturus the basic theory behind this particular tracking spell, but he couldn't really comprehend it all the way. He was very interested in this part of the spell however, so I was working on separating the spell so that you didn't have to give the potion to someone in order to find them. I looked at my watch and frowned, the reason why I had destroyed my office when I did was because Arcturus was supposed to be meeting me today at two in the afternoon; I had begun the rampage knowing I would have enough time to have it cleaned up right before anyone came to see me.
"I went to your office first, and your elf had a panic attack when I stepped in and she hadn't finished cleaning it yet. What in Merlin's name did you do?" his voice sounded amused, but there was a hint of worry underneath.
"I needed to vent, and while I do so love to watch our Dark Lord torture people for his own amusement and therapy sessions, I prefer to take out my anger and frustrations on inanimate objects." I raised a brow, daring him to ask me anything more about my office.
"Well that's relieving, I was worried you would be into all of that as well, what with you being his heir and all." He said dryly, a small smile on his face.
"Aren't you clever today." I bit back, offering him a miniscule smile in return.
"Yes, I like to think that I am all the time actually. It's a talent of mine, runs in the family I'm told." He winked at me before sitting down across from me, looking at my notes eagerly. "On to the important things. Have you come any closer to dissecting the spell so that you can not only track Hermione, but whoever you want?"
"It doesn't work like that Cousin. I can't just pick a person and suddenly find them by saying a spell."
"Then what good is it to us?"
"This spell will help us find anyone that we're connected to." I felt myself relax as our conversation continued. It made me feel so much closer to getting back on the right track.
"What do you mean by 'connected'? Can it be my Mum, my brother or sisters, a lover?"
"In a sense, yes. It's the people you know the best. When we use the tracking spell, it's like we pick up a string. At the far end of that string a being is moving, existing, still connected to the track that we gaze upon. The movement is still contained in that track, along with the smallest of external and internal details. As we follow these tracks, we begin to become the very person we're tracking. Do you understand so far?" I asked, pausing when I saw the look on his face.
"Well, I think I do. In theory possibly. Finish the rest of the explanation." He had an intense look on his face, which made me appreciate him even more. While spell theory and conduction wasn't his strong suit, he would work at it until he understood what he needed to.
"Our awareness expands from the person we have become to the landscape he or she is around and is interacting with. We feel the influence of all things that surround us and our awareness expands from our consciousness to the mind of the person and finally back to us. In tracking and awareness, then, there can never be a separation. One without the other is but half a story, an incomplete picture, thus an incomplete understanding."
"So you're saying that basically we have to be able to feel out the other person's emotions and thoughts, basically their core existence. By feeling this out against all the others out there, we create a link to the other person that, long story short, allows us to figure out where they are without them even realizing it!" he jumped up as I nodded in approval and I let out a satisfied smirk with our progress.
"I suggest that we practice doing this with each other first, so that we can tell each other what we experienced while we were attempting to make the connection. That way we can figure out what we need to work on." He made a few notes on his own parchment before grabbing a few books down from the shelves and settling down to do some studying of his own.
I was just needling through some finer points of the spell when Arcturus cleared his throat, which made me raise my head to meet his expectant gaze.
"Is there something else?" I frowned, completely forgetting what I was going to add.
"I know how it feels to lose the one you love. I lost my fiancé when I had to take the mark, but I had my family to lean on, and I wasn't under constant scrutiny from everyone. If you have anything you need to get off of your chest, or you need to rant, or just talk or do something then I wanted you to know that I am here for you, as your family and your friend." I could only stare at him for what would probably be deemed as an inappropriate and uncomfortable amount of time before I shook my head.
"I'm fine, but thank you for your concern." I made to go back to my work but he stopped me by closing my book.
"Seriously, don't hold it in little cousin. It will end up being your downfall, and if you win, then I win. So please, give me something, however small." He insisted, his hand still keeping my book firmly closed. I sighed and let go of the cover, deciding to let him have his way.
"What do you want me to say Arcturus? She's gone, and the world still turns, the sun sets, I close my eyes. I breathe in a whole universe of her; us, our family until the sun rises, and I open my eyes. And she's not here, I'm alone. That's it. End of story." I glared at him until he removed his hand from my book, and then I quickly got back to work, not wanting to see any sort of pity or sadness or smugness at my obvious weakness.
"If it wasn't for you being a Death Eater with no feelings and all, I would say you should pursue a career in literature or poetry dear cousin. You have a gift with words." I couldn't stop myself from looking up or laughing with him as we stopped being old men for a minute and allowed ourselves to act our age.
"And you are a cheeky bastard!"
Alright, so there is chapter fourteen! Sorry, I really wanted to lighten the mood a bit at the end because this chapter was kind of depressing for me to write. As always, please leave me a review or a message. And once again, if you want to follow me on tumblr for posts about SNM updates and characters and sneak peeks to chapters then you can find me at ! Sorry again for the late update, but I did it Love you all!