The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
.
"You're gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay, hang in there you hear me?" Olivia pleaded with Brian as they sped through the city streets in the back of the ambulance, paramedics hooking machines and wires to Brian's body, piercing his skin with needles to insert fluids to keep him hydrated.
Olivia kneeled on the floor at the head of the stretcher, her right hand running through his hair, kissing his forehead, trying to calm his over-emotive self. He was still awake which was a good thing; he was still alert and listening. She continued to talk to him, their blood stained hands linked together on the gurney.
Brian tried to mumble to her, his hazel eyes wide with fear, the plastic oxygen mask digging into the sides of his mouth; he desperately tried to get the words out as he felt his body failing, the black hole getting closer and closer.
"Bri…stay with me baby" She squeezed his hand tight in hers and gently slapped his cheek "Please stay with me" She begged, her voice quiet as her tears stuck in her throat.
"Do something" She cried as the heart monitor screamed in monotone.
He was officially flat lining. She had no idea what to do, the medic had to practically pull her back from his body as they charged the defibrillator, ready to shock him back to life.
Olivia sat back watching as the medics fought to save him, she watched his bloody body jump as they shocked him, she watched the blood from his wounds continue to soak through the gauze that covered them. She grabbed a hold of the gurney as the ambulance swung into the bay of the hospital, her mind went blank as doctors in white coats and scrubs yanked the doors open and started shouting in medical speak.
She couldn't remember being guided from the ambulance, being rushed into the ER surrounded by her squad, her friends who had come to stay with her, to support her through whatever this day may throw their way.
.
"Please, please let me see him…" Olivia stood outside the hospital room with one of the nurses who was currently trying to hold the distraught brunette detective back from entering the room.
"Detective Benson, you can't…" The little blonde nurse grasped Olivia's arms and turned her to face her "You need to let the doctors do their job; he's in safe hands now"
Olivia cried quietly as Fin gently pulled her back by the shoulders, she watched through the cracks in the old white blinds that pressed against the window of the sterile room that held Cassidy and his team of doctors, she watched as they hooked him up to more machines, tried to stop the blood, tried to keep him awake, as they fought to save his life.
"Liv, come on, you don't need to see this…" Fin said quietly, trying to pull her away from the window
"What if he dies Fin?" She whispered quietly as he guided her into a blue padded hospital issue chair "What if I lose him?"
"You won't baby girl…"
"You don't know that!" She raised her voice and quickly apologised, raising her hands in front of her face "I'm sorry…I'm sorry"
She held her head in her hands but pulled away quickly when she felt a wet liquid against her skin, pulling her hands back she noticed they were red, still stained with her boyfriend's blood. Before she could cry any harder Amanda immediately stood and held her by the shoulder
"Come on Liv; let's go get you cleaned up a bit…" She helped Olivia out of her chair, her body shaking with worry and nerves and guided her towards the bathrooms at the end of the white hallway.
.
"Here, one of the nurses gave me this for you to wear" Amanda handed over the light blue scrub top
Olivia gazed at herself in the mirror, her once hunter green button down shirt now fashioned with patches of blood spatter, her hands and arms the same, a few marks also covering her face and neck.
"This is all his blood…" Her voice stunned and disgusted. She looked down at her hands and at the dark splodges on her thighs from where his body had been pulled against her on the floor of the squad room.
Amanda couldn't find any words to say in this moment, she was good with victims, helping people she didn't know but this was a situation she had never faced. Seeing a woman who she thought of as a hero, a woman she had idolised, still idolises, broken and defeated. She filled one of the porcelain sinks with hot water and grabbed a few paper towels, soaking them with the scalding liquid. She kept her eyes on Olivia who stood in the middle of the room, her eyes never fading from her reflection.
"Here…" She walked slowly towards her and took a hold of Olivia's arm, gently pressing the warm paper towel to her skin, wiping away Brian's blood as best she could.
"Thank you Amanda" Olivia whispered
"It's okay; you'd do the same for any of us"
.
"There we go…" Amanda gave the brunette a small smile as she helped wipe away the last smidge of red from her body.
"You wanna put this on?" She held the scrub top up to Olivia who nodded and began to slowly unbutton her shirt.
Amanda's eyes widened when she saw the few red marks that littered Olivia's skin, the burns that Lewis had inflicted on her chest. The blonde and the rest of the squad didn't fully know the extent of her injuries, not the ones they couldn't see anyway.
She took the blood stained shirt from Olivia's shaking hands and threw it in the trash can at her insistence.
"I need him to be okay" Olivia whispered as she straightened out the blue scrub top "I need him to make it through this…"
"He will" Amanda reached forward and held Olivia's arm "He's tough as hell, Liv, he'll put up a fight"
"What if he doesn't?"
"Trust me, there's no way he's leaving you" Amanda smiled and gently squeezed her arm.
.
As the two women made their way back to the waiting area Olivia noticed the worried glances the men were giving each other as they noticed her approaching
"What's happened?"
"They're taking him to surgery now, his surgeon, Dr Lipson is gonna come out and speak to you soon just as soon as they get finished"
Olivia glanced around the waiting area, medical staff rushing around, patients being wheeled to and fro, worried friends and relatives sitting nervously in uncomfortable chairs, sipping on stale cups of coffee anxiously awaiting news on their loved ones and now she was one of them.
"So we just wait?" She asked quietly, making eye contact with her captain, who nodded softly back to her.
"We just wait…"
.
Nick sat down in the empty seat next to Olivia, three hours had gone by and they still hadn't heard a single word.
"You want some coffee, Liv?"
She sat in silence staring at a torn poster that still hung on the wall, her hands clasped so tight as they rested in her lap that he could see her knuckles had turned white.
"Liv…"
"I'm fine" She insisted, praying he would stop talking and leave her alone.
Her heart pounded relentlessly in her chest as her mind spun in overdrive. She thought of everything they still had to do, their apartment was still half-packed and they had both been so busy with work that they had barely any time to finish unpacking. She had to go back and leave a forwarding address with her landlord because she forgot to do it when she handed over her lease. They were supposed to take Brian's mother out for dinner on Thursday night, she had to call Brian's mother and tell her he'd been shot.
"I have to call his mom…" She said aloud although her voice was quiet "His sisters…Leanne is in Texas, she'll have to get a flight up…I need to…"
"Liv, we'll take care of all of that, don't worry about it" Fin leaned forward in his chair and grasped her hand tight.
"No…I need to do it" She whispered through her tears
Fin shook his head and squeezed her hand, grabbing her attention "Liv, give me their numbers, I'll call them and explain, get something sorted out"
"I don't have his mom's number, it's in the book next to the phone in the apartment, I have Kerry and Leanne's numbers in my phone…" She looked around releasing she had left everything back at the squad room, her body shaking as she cried out "God, why is this happening!?" She buried her face in her hands and sobbed.
Cragen rushed over from his chair and took Nick's place, pulling her into his arms; he nodded at Fin who said he was going back to the precinct to get her stuff. Nick stood and made his way to the cafeteria to get coffee for everyone while Fin and Amanda left to collect Liv's purse and phone and make the necessary contacts.
"Liv, it's gonna be okay, we'll get everything sorted out, you just focus on getting through this" Cragen mumbled as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders.
.
"Family of Brian Cassidy?"
Olivia shot out of her seat as the grey haired surgeon pulled his scrub cap from his head and made his way over to the waiting area. Her eyes widened as she tried to read his expression, he didn't look happy, who would after spending almost eight hours with your hands stuck inside a body cavity but surely he would be happier is Brian was alive right?
"You the family of Mr Cassidy?" The older man glanced between Olivia, Cragen and the rest of the team.
"I'm Olivia, his girlfriend…is he? How…" She couldn't even form a sentence
"He's alive"
The group let out a collective sigh, Olivia smiled through her tears as she brushed her hair back from her face.
"The bullet in his chest had ricocheted off of his ribs on his left side causing them to break, we had a problem during surgery where they had actually punctured his lung but we managed to sort it quickly before any major damaged could have been caused" Doctor Lipson explained
"The bullet in his abdomen however was the real problem, because of the extent of the damage we had to remove a small portion of his liver. We are also keeping a close eye on his kidney functions, hopefully it will heal just fine and he won't need dialysis or a transplant, but all we can do is wait"
"But he's gonna live right?" Fin asked
"His conditional is critical, we're moving him to the ICU just now, once we've got him settled in you can go up and see him but I must warn you, he has a long road ahead of him. He is a very very lucky man"
Olivia slowly fell back into her chair, her mind spinning a million miles a minute. He was alive; she sighed and buried her face in her hands.
Brian was alive.
"Uh, I'm sorry, I have to get this" Her thoughts were broken at the loud beeping sound of the doctors pager
"Is it Brian?"
"If you wait here, I'll be back as soon as I can" Dr Lipson rushed off in the direction he just came from leaving the group stunned and worried once more.
.
"He's in a coma"
Olivia muttered quietly from his bedside, her hands tighten clasped around his left, her thumb continually stroking the rough skin of his palm.
"Did they say how?" Cragen sat in the empty chair at the opposite side of Brian, taking a quick look at him, the plastic tube down his throat, the wires coming from his hospital gown, the monitors at the either side of his bed.
"They eh…" Olivia wiped her continuous stream of tears from her face "They think he must have hit his head when he fell, they did a CT and it shows swelling in his brain, they can't do anything but let it heal on its own. There's no bleeding so they don't have to operate" She sighed "They just have to keep a close eye on it and wait"
Her tired eyes never left his face; her fingers gently traced the skin of his arm from his wrist to his elbow, something he always did to her in the morning when he lay behind her, trying to wake her up.
"Fin managed to call his mom and his sister Leanne, she's getting the first flight up from Austin, I think he said it's about three in the morning but she's got a ticket, he's gonna collect her from the airport and bring her here." Cragen explained
Olivia nodded "I don't know where they're gonna stay, we haven't sorted out the spare rooms in the apartment yet…"
"It's okay; we've got them booked into a hotel"
"Thank you"
They sat in silence as a nurse came in to check Brian's vitals and quietly left again
"As if we haven't been through enough already…" Olivia muttered as she lifted Brian's hand to her lips before placing it gently back on the bed.
"You'll get through this just like you got through everything else, together."
.
"Come on, I'm gonna take you home"
"No, Cap, I'm gonna stay here…"
"Liv, they're gonna kick you out soon anyway"
"I just…" She looked up at him with tears in her eyes
"Come on, you can go home, shower, try and catch a few hours sleep and come back in the morning"
She nodded and stood up from her chair, groaning at the shooting pains running up and down her spine. She leaned forward and kissed Brian's forehead and cheek
"I love you baby" She whispered in his ear "I'll be back soon"
.
As she lay in their bed, on his side, in his clothes at three in the morning, the city lights shining bright behind the curtains, her mind replayed the scenes from the day over and over again.
Waking up in his arms
His singing in the shower
His cheeky phone call saying he was picking her up for lunch
The perp
The gun
Brian on the floor
His blood pooling around them
The box under the bed her mind played back his spluttered words as he tried to talk to her as he laying bleeding on the floor on the squad room.
She rolled from the bed and reached underneath knocking spare boxes out of the way until she found what she was looking for.
A medium sized, old looking brown leather box. He told her it was his fathers, Brian kept it after he died and kept his 'important' stuff in there.
She smiled as she open the box and saw an old worn photograph staring up at her. Brian and his sisters when they were very young, all wrapped up in their parents arms, another of him and Kerry and what she could only imagine was his high-school graduation, the robes giving it away. She shuffled around; trying to think of what the hell it was that he would want her to look for. She reached the bottom and found an official looking brown manila folder, her heart thudded louder as she guessed this was it.
She sat back against the bedframe and sobbed as she pulled the sheets of paper out and dropped them on the floor
The Last Will and Testament of Brian Alexander Cassidy
thoughts?
lyrics: broken - lifehouse
sorry it took like a year and a half to update this but I've been a bit dbsuiabcudoabcoa lately.
please leave a quick review and let me know what you think!
you can also now follow me on twitter for all the random happenings!
twitter: ahoycinderella