Beautiful Insanity - Part 2: Chapter 6

2.6 - ℓσѕт ιη тнє мα∂ηєѕѕ

You know what you have to do, the voice told her.

Lostface was standing at the entrance of Firestar's den, her heart pounding. For a moon she had been planning this confrontation; she had it all planned out in her mind. She knew what she would say, when she would say it, and even had created different answers for different questions he may ask. It was time. The steady pounding of her heart was like a war drum; her breathing matched its steady, clipped pace and her paws itched to do the same. She wouldn't have been surprised if Firestar had heard her all the way from inside the den.

"Firestar?" she called. Lostface was stunned at how feminine and fragile her voice sounded. On the inside, she had almost officially evolved into a cold-blooded killer, but on the outside, she still looked like Brightpaw… with her face torn off.

A pair of green eyes appeared in the shadows, glowing with iridescence. "Lostface," he greeted her. He spoke her name without a trace of remorse.

The arrogant tom doesn't even realize the pain he's caused us! He doesn't know what he did to us, the voice snarled.

"What can I do for you?"

Lostface tensed slightly before a wave of relieve washed over her. It was almost as if the voice inside her head was trying to comfort and relax her. "I need to speak with you."

The fiery tom raised his eyebrows curiously before beckoning her into his den. "Come on, make yourself at home," he mewed, slipping out of site.

Lostface entered and was swallowed by the darkness. Looking to the right, she spied the mossy nest where her leader and his mate, Sandstorm, slept. The ginger tom was now sprawled across it lazily, his tail twitching and bright fur glimmering in the half-light. His emerald eyes followed her everywhere. "What is it you need to speak with me about?"

The fear had been expelled from her body. "I wish to leave ThunderClan."

Her leader's eyes widened in astonishment, and his entire being tensed. "You… you're…" he stuttered for a moment, struggling to become articulate. After what seemed like an eternity, he nodded. He wasn't even looking at her, but some invisible spec on the floor of the den. "Very well, Lostface," he mewed, raising his gaze to hers at last. "May I inquire as to why?"

Oh I will tell you why! She didn't even know if the voice had said that, or if she had voluntarily thought it. "I don't feel like I belong here anymore. Ever since the… attack and… ever since Swiftpaw died, I've felt out of place here. The cats I've grown up with aren't my friends anymore, and my family doesn't even acknowledge my existence. Leaf-bare is practically upon us and I can't hunt or fight… I'd be more of a liability than an asset if I stayed."

Sympathy flashed in Firestar's eyes and Lostface despised it. How dare he pity us! the voice thought venomously. If only he knew what we were capable of. We could kill him right now if we tried!

"Very well, Lostface," Firestar mewed resignedly. "I understand not fitting in—it was like that for me when I first came to ThunderClan. No one truly accepted me… well except for Graystripe. Even then I had to prove myself every day. All I can do is ask you to reconsider, but I cannot make you stay."

No. You can't. "It won't do any good to ask me," Lostface replied fluently. She had rehearsed answers to such a response. "I've made up my mind."

"Where will you go?" the tom inquired.

"I'm not sure," she lied. "Somewhere else." She knew exactly where she would go: the Twolegplace. Once there, she would search for Scourge and inform him of her decision.

Firestar dipped his Clan. "Do you wish for me to announce this to the Clan?" he asked.

If you didn't no one would have even noticed that we were gone! the voice said with a cynical tone. Lostface couldn't agree more, but she was no faced with a dilemma. Should she let Firestar alert the Clan of her departure? Should she sit there beneath Highrock and listen to the shocked murmurs of her Clan-mates as they watched her with masks of sympathy and eyes full of crocodile tears? No. It would be even more humiliating.

"No. I wish to leave quietly. I will tell Cinderpelt and then I will be gone," she answered. Suddenly, her heart became leaden, as if she was regretting this decision, or dreading her future alone. Was this Brightpaw using whatever power she had left to try to make Lostface reevaluate her options? Lostface was uncertain, but she knew that Brightpaw was still inside her, still trying to steer her away from the voice's enticing cons.

The ThunderClan leader dipped his head. "Very well. Goodbye Lostface… I am sorry things had to be this way."

Suddenly, Brightpaw spoke up: Me too, Firestar. Me too.

When Lostface told Cinderpelt about her decision to leave ThunderClan, the medicine cat hadn't been the least bit surprised. Lostface was slightly bewildered until she realized that Cinderpelt understood her better than anyone. She knows what it's like to be in such pain. She knows what it's like to be abandoned and have no one to turn to… When she got hit by a monster, the entire Clan abandoned her… She was alone. But she didn't give up. She stayed strong. She fought every day of her life, and she's still fighting… I guess that I'm not the kind of cat that fights. I've given up… I've given in to the beast within and now there is no escaping… But who says I want to flee? Who says I want to have a normal life like Cinderpelt? Maybe I want to get lost in the madness… Lost in the beautiful insanity that has become my cradle. It wrapped its tail around me and comforted me. It gave me someone to talk to, and it taught me how to avenge myself. It taught me how to be strong… But am I strong? Am I strong because I found a way to help myself? Or am I weak because I succumbed to this monster?

"I will give you some travelling herbs for your journey," Cinderpelt meowed, padding over to her stores.

Lostface shook her head. "That's alright. I don't need them, plus I would be taking herbs that aren't mine to take. I'm no longer a ThunderClan cat, remember?"

Cinderpelt's eyes narrowed slightly, as if that fact upset her. "But you are still my sister. And as a medicine cat, is my duty to help all cats. Boundaries do not exist for us. Take the herbs, Lostface," she mewed simply, preparing a small bundle for the younger cat to eat.

Knowing better than to protest, Lostface did as Cinderpelt said and lapped up the bitter leaves. Once all the leaves were gone, Cinderpelt seemed satisfied. Lostface turned to leave, but stopped as she felt her sister's tail rest on her shoulder. She turned to see Cinderpelt standing there, tears brimming in her otherwise clear blue eyes. They shared no words and communicated only with their eyes; the way sisters and best friends were able to speak to each other. There was a connection there—one so deep that next to no one understood, but it existed nonetheless.

Lostface felt the urge to say something. She suddenly wanted to explain everything to her. She wanted to spill the beans right there—break down and tell her everything. But the voice kept her in check. The voice controlled her—it constrained her emotions and allowed little to show. The voice was her boss—her ruler, her leader. She followed its orders, obeyed its commands no matter what the circumstances. She was truly a servant.

For a moment, the sisters just stood there, looking into one another's eyes. Perhaps Cinderpelt saw the emotion in Lostface's one eye. Maybe she saw the truth in her soul… or maybe she saw the evil, the corruption, the darkness there… Had she figured it out? Did she know that Lostface had killed Fernpaw and Ashpaw? Lostface couldn't bear to think of Cinderpelt ever finding about her horrible deeds. Maybe it would be better to kill her now… End her life before the chaos starts… she thought. But the voice disagreed. The voice forced her to move on and walk right out of the medicine cat den.

Lostface found Cloudtail in the warriors' den. The large white tom lay in a nest close to the entrance. The slight rise and fall of his flanks told Lostface that he was asleep. We will have to remedy that situation, won't we? the voice thought deviously.

Smirking, Lostface unsheathed her claws and sank them into the white tom's tail. The warrior's eyes opened wide and he let out a surprised yowl. Lostface quickly pulled her paw away and sheathed her claws, hiding any evidence that she had done it purposefully. "I'm sorry," she mewed. Unlike the time she'd spoken to Firestar, she wanted to sound small and fragile here. She wanted to look weak in front of him.

Cloudtail hissed and licked his tail. "Watch where you're going!" he growled. Lostface shot a glance at where she'd attacked and, luckily, saw no blood oozing from the wound. "That hurt."

Oh boohoo! the voice sneered unsympathetically.

Lostface shifted with fake nervousness. "Cloudtail, since you're up, there's been something I've wanted to talk to you about," she whispered in a small voice.

The white tom rolled his eyes in exasperation. "What?"

"Can we go for a walk and talk about it then?" she asked. She couldn't do it in camp… Too many witnesses…

Cloudtail faltered for a moment, clearly unsure if this was a good idea. After a while, he gave in, nodding. "Fine. Let's just make this fast, huh?"

I don't think we will, the voice thought maliciously. I think we will drag this out for as long as we can. We will make you suffer. You—the one who hurt us the most out of every single cat in this Clan—will perish under our claws. We will make sure you feel the pain we felt when you broke our heart—when you destroyed us!

"Let's go," Lostface replied simply. She twitched her remaining ear and padded out of the warriors' den. She heard Cloudtail emerge behind her, and it didn't take long for the fluffy tom to reach her side. Lostface felt the eyes of her Clan-mates on her as she and Cloudtail exited the camp. It took all her self-control to not smile at the thought of it all.

They had no idea this was the last time they would be seeing Cloudtail.

However, it was not the last time they'd be seeing her.

Oh no, the voice cackled inside her head. They will be seeing us very soon. Only then will they see us in our true form. Then we will have our revenge. But first, we need to deal with this piece of fox-dung.

Lostface silently acknowledged the voice and padded on, leading the unsuspecting Cloudtail toward the Twolegplace.