Chapter 14

It took some convincing to get Castiel to go upstairs with Ellen and get checked over by her. Castiel had given Dean anxious looks and had insisted he was fine, but Dean had stood firm. It was only after Dean agreed to come upstairs after he finished talking to Bobby that Castiel reluctantly agreed to go.

It wasn't that he didn't like this Ellen or found her threatening. But she was a stranger and Castiel was all too aware of what would be required of him in order for her to examine him. The thought of having to remove his clothes terrified him. It dredged up the horrible memories of Anna and the things she had done to him. He reminded himself over and over as they entered the upstairs bathroom that this Ellen would do no such thing to him and he was safe with her, but he couldn't shake the memories swirling inside of him. Memories of hands touching him, eliciting strange and terrifying feelings that had been so foreign to him.

"Have a seat here, Castiel," Ellen said gently as she closed the toilet's lid. She then turned around and began getting things out of nearby medicine cabinet.

Castiel slowly sat down, his stomach knotted with fear. A cold sweat broke out on his forehead and he unconsciously wiped his damp palms on his pants. He couldn't stop trembling and he had somehow forgotten how to breathe. When Ellen turned around she saw the look of stark terror on Castiel's pale face. She smiled gently and knelt down before him.

"Castiel," she said softly as she put a hand on his knee. "Relax. I'm not going to hurt you, OK? I'm just going to check you over, make sure everything is healing like it should. Try to relax and breathe, Hun."

He could see in her eyes she was telling the truth. He swallowed hard and then forced himself to take a deep breath. Finally, he nodded slowly, still too frightened to speak.

"I need you to take your shirt off for me," She said gently, but firmly.

He had to do it. There really was no way out of it. He slowly pulled the shirt over his head, wincing at the discomfort that the action caused in his ribs. He wanted to keep himself covered at least with the shirt, but Ellen took it from him and set it on the floor next to them. He screwed his eyes shut as she began examining him, not wanting to watch and wishing his heart would stop beating so hard in his chest. His body went rigid as he felt her delicate touch on his skin and it took every ounce of self-control not to recoil.

Ellen, meanwhile, focused on the injuries before her and tried not to focus on his obvious discomfort. She was very pleased to see the gash across Castiel's stomach was healing very nicely under Dean's careful stitches. The wound was already developing the fine pink scar tissue and there was no bleeding or any other discharge coming from it. His sides were still bruised, but they were starting to fade to the sickly greenish yellow color that bruises develop. She moved to look at his back, but Castiel quickly leaned back against the toilet in attempt to hide it.

She sighed. "Come on, Castiel. I have to see your back too. We're almost done here."

He didn't want to. The shame associated with the scars that marred his back was near overwhelming. He shook his head and pressed his back further against the back of the toilet.

"Castiel, if you don't let me look at your back I'll have to go get Dean and tell him. Then he'll have to come up here and look at it himself."

That made Castiel pause. He didn't want Dean to see him like this. He knew Dean had already seen his injuries, but he had been unconscious at the time. He didn't want Dean to see him like this now, though, so naked and exposed and frightened. Granted, it wasn't much better to be seen by Ellen, but then, the emotions that he had for Dean weren't there. He reluctantly leaned forward, away from the toilet.

Ellen nodded and moved to check his back. Her breath caught in her throat as she saw the reason for his reluctance. The majority of the wounds had healed over entirely, only a couple of them were scabbed over. Still, the scars that marred the pale expanse of skin were raised and jagged, obviously inflicted with the goal of achieving maximum pain. She felt her heart break and now understood Dean's reason for not getting angry with Castiel over his role in Sam's escape as well as the other things he had done. The angel certainly had not gone unscathed in all of this.

"OK, Castiel. We're done," She said quietly. Ellen went over to the towel rack and removed a large blue towel that was hanging there. She passed it to Castiel. "Now we're going to get you in the shower and cleaned up so you can go to bed after."

Castiel felt as though all the air had been forced from his lungs. He looked at her, his eyes openly filled with fear.

"What?" He barely managed to whisper.

"You're going to take a shower and then go to bed," She repeated calmly. "I have everything you need and will get you some clean clothes for after. Do you need any help washing up?"

He gripped the towel in his hands like it was the only thing keeping him alive. He tried to remember to breathe as he desperately fought to control his emotions.

"I don't need a shower," He insisted anxiously.

Ellen was turning on the water in the tub. She turned around and arched an eyebrow at him.

"Yes, you do," She replied, her voice leaving no room for argument. She straightened up and looked directly at him. "Now, do you want me to help you get ready and get in, or should I get Dean to come help you?"

Castiel looked at her, his wide blue eyes pleading for an escape. The expression she returned, however, was unyielding. He inwardly sighed, knowing that there was no way he was getting out of this. He thought briefly of having her go get Dean, at least he knew him and felt somewhat comfortable with him.

And then he remembered Utah. And that night. And the shower he and Dean had taken together…

"I accept your help," Castiel said softly.

Ellen was respectful enough to not prolong his discomfort any longer than necessary. She quickly and efficiently helped him out of the rest of his clothing and into the tub. There was a plastic chair in there for him to sit in so he wouldn't have to stand, something he was very grateful for as he knew he was still too weak. Once he was sitting down she passed him a washcloth and pointed out the shampoo and soap to him. She checked the water temperature one last time before she was satisfied.

"Alright, Castiel. I'll be back to check on you," She said before heading out the door.

Castiel let out a sigh of relief when he heard her leave and close the door. Now that he was alone he could finally let down his guard and allow the flood of emotions course through him. He had to admit that the hot water felt good, better than he remembered from Utah. He began washing himself in an attempt to help himself calm down.

His emotions were jumbled together in a tangled mess. While there was a small degree of comfort from being cared for by Dean and being with him, he also was well aware of how complicated the situation really was. Dean didn't know the truth about what had happened between them. He knew, deep down, Dean still had to be upset with him for all his lies. And Lucifer had risen and now Dean was in an incredibly dangerous situation as he would now be a target for both Lucifer and the angels who would want him back.

Castiel buried his head in his hands. What a horrible mess and now he was completely powerless to do anything about it. He was trapped inside this frail and complicated human body that continued to bewilder him in its complexities. All its needs and requirements…

And one need was beginning to make itself known.

He couldn't believe that despite how much pain he was in and how badly he had suffered injuries… he still could become aroused. He looked down at his swollen member that ached with the need for release. He closed his eyes and bit his lower lip as he remembered his shower with Dean. His breath hitched as he remembered Dean's soft, full lips pressed against his own as the hot water ran down their heated bodies. His hand slipped down and he took his shaft in his hand and began jerking himself off in slow strokes, remembering how Dean had touched him the same way. His breath began coming out in ragged pants as his arousal grew… he fantasized about what it would be like if Dean were with him now… kissing him… stroking him… encouraging him with his deep sensual voice that always caused a pool of pleasure deep in Castiel's stomach. He pictured Dean's body pressed against his, hot and wanting… he pictured Dean's face as he came…

That last image pushed Castiel over the edge. He let out a desperate whimper as he came over his hand, the hot cum practically searing his skin. He collapsed weakly in the plastic chair, his whole body trembling with shock at what he had just allowed himself to do and amazement at how intense the experience had been. He weakly reached out to rinse off his hand when he heard the bathroom door open and an all too familiar voice call out.

"Hey, Cas. Ellen sent me up. You doing OK in here? I thought I heard you moan or something."

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Hehehe. : ) Yeah, I'm a bad girl for ending it there. Have some pity on me. Though! I've been up for almost 20 hours straight! I thought you guys would enjoy a little shower scene with our Castiel, though, so I hope it makes up for it!

Feedback is always a wonderful thing to me! Don't be shy! : )