Chapter 14
By morning, Christopher was receiving one hundred percent oxygen through the mask and Rachel knew it wasn't going to be much longer. She asked the nurse to page Dr. Stevens and he met with them all in the waiting room.
"Thank you for coming, I know you must be very busy," Rachel said calmly.
"Not at all," he assured her.
"I just had a few questions about what's going to happen, now that I've decided against the ventilator," Rachel said.
"Of course," Dr. Stevens said. "What would you like to know?"
Rachel hesitated briefly before plunging ahead. "What's going to happen?"
Dr. Stevens glanced around the group. "Breathing is going to become even more difficult for Christopher," he cautioned. "He's already on one hundred percent oxygen so there is nothing more we can do to make breathing easier for him."
"So he's going to suffocate?" Richard asked in horror.
"In a sense, yes," the doctor admitted with regret. "But we're going to give him medication that will make him sleep. His mind won't be aware of what his body is doing. He won't be in any pain."
"I know it's only supposed to be two people with him," Rachel said. "But when it's time, I want anyone who wants to be with him allowed in the room. My dads, Noah, his godparents, anyone."
"That's not a problem," the doctor assured her. "I'll let the nursing staff know, just so they're clear."
"Can he hear us?" David asked. "When he's on the medication, I mean? Before he…goes?"
"There's no conclusive proof one way or the other," Dr. Stevens said, glancing back at Rachel. "But I'd like to think so. I don't think it can hurt to believe that and to talk to him."
"How long will it take? Once he starts to get worse?" Rachel asked.
"It varies. I wish I could tell you it will be quick like you see on TV, but the truth is sometimes it takes hours."
The group gasped. "Hours?" Quinn asked. "How is that possible?"
"The body does not shut down all at once," Dr. Stevens explained. "It shuts down one system at a time, leaving the most critical systems, the brain, heart and lungs, as the last to shut down. But Christopher's body is weak and his systems have been shutting down for some time now. I don't think it will take a prolonged period of time. But we will keep him comfortable as long as it takes. He won't suffer, I promise you that, Rachel."
Rachel nodded numbly. "Thank you, Dr. Stevens."
"If there's anything else you need, please have the nurses page me. They'll be alerted at the desk by his machines when things start happening, so they'll know what to do."
The doctor departed and Rachel slipped quietly back into her room to sit by her son. She heard the door open moments later and strong arms encircled her body from behind. She knew it was Noah just from the fact that he didn't say anything.
"This almost doesn't feel real," she murmured after a few moments.
He rested his chin on her shoulder as they gazed down at her son. "I know."
"I don't want him to hurt any more," she said in a calm voice. "He's hurt enough."
"We all support you no matter what you decide," he told her. "You're his mother, you know what's best for him. We all support that."
"I know," she said quietly. "I just wish things were different."
"Me too."
"I wish you could have known him before," she said. "Before the cancer, before the hospitals. He was such a happy little boy, such a bright light."
"He still is," he told her. "He had me wrapped around his little finger from the second I saw him with that gummy worm."
"He's like that," she said, a ghost of a smile on her face. "He had my heart in his hands from the moment he kicked me the first time. He took the rest of me when they put him in my arms that first time. It's impossible not to love him."
"It is," Puck agreed. "And I think everyone here is a testament to that."
"He loves them all," Rachel said absently. "He loved pinning the tail on Mike and naming a frog after Brittany. He really wanted to go for a ride in Artie's wheelchair."
"We're a family," Puck said softly. "Maybe not by blood, but that doesn't even matter anymore."
"He's not going to be a part of that soon."
"He'll always be a part of that," he told her in a gentle but firm tone. "We'll always remember him and you'll always love him."
"Not the same," she said evenly. "Not even close."
He sighed against her hair. "I know."
"I don't know how to say goodbye," she whispered. "I don't know what to say."
"You will," he assured her. "When the time comes, you will."
They stayed like that for hours, him holding her, watching her son sleep.
33333
Rachel was sitting with Quinn and Finn when she noticed the change. Christopher started gasping more with each breath, his chest heaving a little more every time he inhaled. She sent Finn for a nurse immediately.
"He's having more difficulty now," the nurse said, as she checked his vitals. "I'm going to up his morphine. It won't be long now."
Rachel nodded and sent Finn to the waiting room to tell the others before settling in next to her son. "You don't have to stay," she told Quinn quietly. "I'd understand if you didn't want to."
Quinn shook her head firmly, setting a dainty hand on Rachel's shoulder. "Of course I'm going to be here," she said. "Where else would I be?"
The door opened and the entire group filed noisily into the room, Rachel's dads rounding the other side of the bed to be close to their grandson. Puck nudged in beside Quinn, regret evident on his features as he gave her a sad smile.
"The nurse said it would be soon," Rachel murmured.
"We're here," Puck said softly. "However long it takes, we're here."
The next few minutes were spent in uncomfortable silence as they all stared down at the little boy. He was still, sleeping deeply from the morphine, even as his chest rose and fell harshly.
"We could sing to him," Kurt suggested. "He likes that, right?"
Rachel nodded. "He does."
"I've got one," Tina said softly. "Do you mind if I sing to him?"
Rachel smiled at her friends. "Please."
Tina leaned closer to the bed and her sweet voice echoed softly through the room.
You'll remember me
When the west wind moves
Among the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold
So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Among the fields of barley
In his arms she fell
As her hair came down
Among the fields of gold
Rachel was smiling softly as she joined in the song, the glee club filling the room with their voices shortly after.
Will you stay with me
Will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
And you can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold
I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We will walk in fields of gold
We'll walk in fields of gold
Many years have passed
Since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run
As the sun goes down
As you lie in fields of gold
You'll remember me
When the west wind moves
Among the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold
When we walked in fields of gold
When we walked in fields of gold
Rachel brushed a stray tear aside and her gratitude shown in her gaze as she glanced around at her friends. "Thank you," she said quietly.
Christopher's breathing became more labored and another nurse came in to check his vitals. "We're going to remove the mask now," she said quietly. "And we're going to up his morphine again."
Rachel closed her eyes briefly. "Can I hold him?"
"Of course." The nurse helped her lower the bed rail and Rachel climbed into the small bed beside her son once again. She took him into her arms as she felt his tiny body struggling with the effort to breathe.
"Christopher Bug," she said gently. "My Little Man. Mommy's here, baby."
She heard a sniffle and made a strong effort to tune everyone else out. She would be strong for her son in his last moments.
"You are so very special to me. You have been the best little boy a mommy could ever ask for. You are so loved, my angel. I will never forget you, never ever. You've been everything to me and you always will be, Bug. And I know you've been through a lot and I know you're tired. It's ok, baby. You won't hurt anymore."
She heard a sob, she thought from Quinn, but she focused her attention solely on her son.
"I know you're tired, baby," she said softly. "It's ok now. You can go now. Mommy's right here and you can go if you need to. I'm going to be fine, baby. You don't need to worry about me. I'm going to be just fine, sweetheart. I love you so much and I'm right here with you."
She stroked his head tenderly as his chest heaved more, his breathing shallow now, little gasps coming from his throat. She watched his face but his eyes stayed closed, his face peaceful. She heard the crying from around the room and ran her hand across her son's cheek before singing tenderly to him one last time.
May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
May you always have plenty
Your glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone
May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you, stay with you
Baby you're never alone
Well, I have to be honest
As much as I want it
I'm not gonna promise the cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you, stay with you
Baby you're never alone
May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
And when hard times have found you
And your fear surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you, stay with you
Baby you're never alone
My love will follow you, stay with you
Baby you're never alone
She finished the song and pressed a gentle kiss to his temple. "I love you, baby," she whispered tenderly.
The machine monitoring his heart rate let out a long, monotone beep. Her breath caught in her chest and she watched as the line that had previously run spiked across the screen went flat. Dr. Stevens appeared, stepping forward with a stethoscope, placing it to Christopher's chest. The room was silent as they waited. The doctor lowered his eyes, shaking his head briefly.
"I'm sorry," he said quietly to Rachel. "He's gone."
Her body shook and she lowered her head and wept, clinging to her son's body.
33333
Puck's heart had sunk the second Finn had burst into the waiting room, a panicked look on his face. They'd all immediately followed him back into Christopher's room and Puck had edged his way next to Quinn so he could be close to Rachel. He fought his tears as Tina sang Fields of Gold and everyone joined her, gazes fixed on the little boy losing his fight right in front of them.
Rachel was remarkably composed, more so than he'd thought she would be, even when the nurse removed Christopher's oxygen mask and they all knew the end had come. He watched as she climbed into the bed and held her little boy close. He didn't even try to stop his tears as he listened to her say her goodbyes, telling her son how special he was and how much she loved him. He was nearly choking on his tears when she started singing to him, the words touching him deep inside. And when the heart machine flat lined and Dr. Stevens told them Christopher was gone, he watched as Rachel finally broke, resting her head on her son's shoulder, clutching him close, her heartbroken sobs echoing in the crowded room.
Her dads were holding each other, their grief evident in their posture, clinging to each other for strength. Emma had her head buried in Will's chest, and they were both crying. Brittany was on Artie's lap, crying, and Artie held her close, his hand extended to grasp Tina's. Mercedes was between Finn and Kurt and they were all crying, holding tightly to each other, Santana in a similar position with Matt and Mike. Puck reached out to Quinn, the nearest to him, and they cried together for the little boy and his mother.
They all stayed like that for a long time and Richard was the first to move. He approached Rachel slowly, hand hesitantly reaching for her. "Sweetheart," he said quietly.
Rachel didn't respond.
David stepped closer to his daughter and placed his hand on her back. "Honey, we need to call Rabbi Bernstein, there are arrangements to be made."
"Is he serious?" Puck heard Santana whisper behind him, and he knew others were shocked as well, but they weren't Jewish. They didn't understand how these things worked.
Rachel sniffled and he saw her nod slightly. "I just need a minute," she said shakily.
"We'll all be right outside," Richard promised her. "Just take your time, we'll be here."
They were all ushered into the hallway and they shuffled around uncomfortably. Rachel's dads stood to one side talking, and, not sure how to act, the rest of the group stood away from them.
"I can't believe he's gone," Emma said, shaking her head slightly.
"But he's not gone," Brittany said, looking at the rest of the group. "He didn't go anywhere."
Puck watched as Santana took the blonde aside and explained things to her. She came back a few minutes later. "Who's going to take care of Brittany now?" They all knew she wasn't talking about herself.
"Rachel will take care of Brittany," Santana said gently, putting her arm around her friend.
"But who will take care of Rachel?"
"We will," Quinn said firmly. She glanced at Puck. "Right?"
He nodded once, afraid to try to talk over the lump that had formed in his throat.
They were quiet again and they could hear bits of Richard and David's conversation, words like service and shivah.
Finn shook his head, his expression angry. "What's their big rush? Can't they give her some more time to deal with this before they bombard her with everything?"
"It's a Jewish thing," Puck explained quietly. "It's tradition to have the burial soon after death."
"Really?" Quinn asked curiously. "I didn't know that."
Puck nodded. "It's out of respect for the dead."
"What's shivah?" Tina asked.
"It's the mourning period. Three days, seven for Orthodox Jews. Basically the family stays home and mourns and people come and sit with them, bring them food, that kind of thing. I don't know how traditional she and her dads are, but shivah's pretty customary, at least for a few days."
"So should we start doing anything? Cooking, ordering flowers? Something like that?" Kurt wanted to know.
Puck shook his head. "No flowers. Jews don't do flowers for funerals. Most of the time it's just donations to a charity or something."
"We discussed this with Rachel some time ago," Richard said, wandering over with David. "Rachel mentioned the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, so that's probably what it will be."
Quinn shook her head slightly. "It's just so weird. I've never been to a funeral with no flowers before. It seems so wrong." She glanced at Puck. "No offense."
He shrugged. "None taken. Jewish funerals aren't like other religions', they're meant to mourn the life of someone, not celebrate them. It's supposed to be a serious event."
"No singing then, either, right?" Mercedes guessed.
"Nope."
The door to the hospital room opened and they all turned their heads to see Rachel shuffle out, eyes red and swollen. She looked so small. Her dads hugged her immediately and she was quiet as she sunk into their embrace. She pulled away after a few minutes and everyone else took their turn hugging her. She was crying again by the time the last person released her and Puck watched as Tina silently handed her a tissue.
"Honey, we called Rabbi Bernstein, he said he'll get started right away. He's planning the service for the day after tomorrow," Richard said gently.
Rachel nodded. "That's fine," she said, clearing her throat when her voice cracked.
"He will take care of everything, but he said you could prepare the obituary if you want."
"Or he can do it," David interjected quickly. "Whatever you want."
"I'll do it," Rachel said. "I'm his-I was his mother. I should do it."
"Whatever you want, sweetheart."
She wrapped her arms tight around herself. "What's going to happen to him?"
Her fathers exchanged glances and it was David who answered her. "They're going to send someone up for him and he'll be transported back to Lima this evening. Rabbi Bernstein has already made the arrangements."
"Do we have to be here for that?" she asked wearily.
"Of course not, honey. Not if you don't want to," Richard said gently.
"Can we go?" she asked softly. "I don't…I don't want to be here anymore."
Her dads swooped down on her instantly, ushering her towards the elevators. "Of course, absolutely," Richard said.
"You two go ahead," David said, gesturing to them. "I'll be there in a few minutes, I just need to take care of something."
Puck watched silently with the others as Richard led Rachel onto an empty elevator and then they were gone.
David turned to Puck. "I need a favor, Noah."
Puck nodded. "Sure."
"I need to gather the things Rachel had here and whatever Christopher had, but I don't want to take them with me. I don't want to push it on her right now. Can you take them for me?"
Puck was nodding before he even finished talking. "Absolutely. If you want, I can go grab the things from her locker in the lounge, I know her combination."
Between the two of them, they gathered all of Rachel's things quickly. "What about these?" David asked hesitantly, gesturing to the pile of Christopher's birthday presents. He glanced around at the group in front of him. "You can take these back."
"Absolutely not," Kurt said with an air of finality. "They were gifts for Christopher. Rachel can decide what she wants to do with everything later."
David nodded. "Ok. I think we have everything."
"We can help Puck carry it down to his car if you want to go," Mike volunteered, gesturing to the rest of the group. "You know, so Rachel doesn't have to see everything."
David hesitated. "That would probably be good," he hedged. "I just want to get her home."
"Go," Puck said. "We'll take care of it."
David clapped Puck on the shoulder. "Thank you, Noah, everyone. We'll let you know when the service is for sure. I'm sure she'd love for you all to be there."
Puck watched him leave before turning to the rest of the group. "Grab some stuff," he said simply, heading toward the elevator bay.
33333
AN: Ok, so now you all hate me. It's ok, I get it. From the beginning, before I even started writing this, there were certain things I knew would happen, and Christopher dying was always one of them. It's something I feel had to happen for this story to feel real and for the bond I wanted to form to be real. Also, I am fortunate enough to have no personal experience with leukemia. I am also not Jewish. Tons of research went into this story, but there may be factual errors in places. The facts I present are the results of, and my understanding of, the research I did. If something is wrong or incorrect, please consider that.
The songs in this chapter are Fields of Gold by Eva Cassidy and Never Alone by Lady Antebellum and Jim Brickman.