A/N: Same old thing. You can find this with the tag "fic: heat" on tumblr under my writing blog ookaminoshippitsu. I'm willing to chat or answer questions or just say at hi under my main blog tash-ash. Enjoy!
Levi doesn't remember falling asleep, but being plagued by the nightmares of his memories ensured that any sleep he did get was not peaceful. He almost feels relieved when he sees the beginnings of sunrise shine into his room. It's easier to not be dragged into the darkness of his memories and guilt when he's watching little dust motes floating playfully in the soft rays of light slowly illuminating the room.
Sunrise is delicate and innocent. It is so fleeting and so pure, chasing away the shadows of the night-time and replacing the evening chill with a soft and encouraging warmth. A warmth that Levi quite particularly liked. The sunrise is untainted by the things that could happen later in the day. It simply cleans the slate and starts each day anew.
It's like hope.
Hope that the new day will be better than the last.
Sunrise is not a time for loudness and celebration. Sunrise is a time for quite reflection. If one is awake, that is. Years ago, Levi would always find himself awake with the sunrise. He would be happy to enjoy it alone but sometimes Isabel or Farlan would join him. They would often leave him to it, though. Sunset was to be shared. Sunrise was different for Levi.
Levi slowly gets to his feet and approaches the window. A hand rests on the windowsill as he squints at the bright sliver of light peeping over the horizon.
He stopped watching both sunsets and sunrises at the same time.
So, why does the simple appearance of some kid in his life change that?
Why does he suddenly get the foolish notion that he's allowed to be happy?
Levi's hand on the windowsill clenches into a fist.
I don't deserve happiness.
Why should I when I'm the reason someone's dead?
And Eren is going to be the same.
I'm no good for anyone.
I'm going to ruin his life just like I ended theirs.
Fine. Levi will just call Erwin and go back to the Survey Corps. He can just leave. He's not stuck here or anything. He'll just go back to keeping only the memory of a child to inspire him. He can just forget meeting the teenager the child grew up to be. He can forget 'Eren' and return to being content with 'some kid'.
But why do I feel sick thinking about this?
A strangled sound comes out of Levi's mouth.
It's too late, isn't it? He thinks with a bitter curl to his lip.
Eren isn't simply some kid. There's something about him that's kept him so present in Levi's mind all these years. Something has made him not easily forgotten.
How do I look at him?
Eren isn't simply some kid. He means more to Levi than that, otherwise he would have been dismissed as something unimportant long ago.
Have I always felt this way?
Eren is not some kid.
Because why would Levi feel this way about 'some kid'?
Levi raises his hand to cover his eyes and isn't surprised to find himself crying.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
He want to hit something. Himself, maybe. But the window is starting to look like a good target. He raises his fist, ready to feel the shards slice open his skin. Anticipating it even. He relishes the sharp tautening of his muscles as he strikes towards the glass but at the last second he freezes.
I'm not supposed to be the one that destroys everything anymore.
Instead, he quickly unlatches the window's clasp and slides the glass up. His body moves easily from memory after having countless times done it before, particularly in Levi's own training days. He grips the outside protruding bit of the windows and swings himself out before darting up the preface of the wall, easily finding foot- and hand-holds to propel himself up faster.
He reaches the edge of the building panting but the burn in his muscles is so liberatingly distracting. With one final burst of power, he swings himself to the top. He gives a satisfied grunt when his feet touch down which turns into a grunt of surprise when he crashes into something.
Someone.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Eren stumbled a little under Levi's momentum but he manages to reach out and steady the both of them before they go tumbling to the floor together.
"Well," Eren huffs, massaging his rib slightly, "At least I'm not the only one continuing this trend."
Eren smiles and laughs a little breathlessly. Shocked, Levi stands frozen in Eren's grasp, hyperaware of the hand that is currently resting on his upper arm. Then with a violent and sudden tug he rips himself away from Eren.
"L-Levi? What's wrong?"
Stop looking at me like that.
And Levi gets an idea.
"None of your fucking business, brat."
Eren looks taken aback a bit from the vehemence in Levi's voice. Even Levi is a little surprised. But he pointedly turns away and ignores the nagging little feeling of displeasure at seeing Eren's hurt expression.
"Well, um," Eren mumbles awkwardly, "You know, I'm here to talk if you need me to be. I, um, don't mind if you make it my business."
Levi bites his lip as he looks out at the sunrise. He came here to escape from his thoughts – and now the primary object of them is here.
I need to end this, he thinks resolutely and turns to face Eren.
I can't let him get hurt because of me.
"You know what, brat?" Levi says as he steps closer to Eren. He stands close enough that he can see that Eren's eyes are not just green as he originally thought but contain different shades of blue as well. Eren looks a little startled at the close proximity, looking down at Levi with wide eyes.
"W-what?" he asks hesitantly, not stepping away but his face getting rapidly redder.
I need him to stop looking at me like that.
Levi tilts his chin back and looks Eren square in the eyes, "How about you back the fuck off?"
I need him to hate me.
Eren's jaw drops and Levi grabs the front of his shirt to keep him focused, "How about you leave me the fuck alone, hmm? When I say it's none of your business, I fucking mean it. You're five years too early to be of any use to me. How dare you talk to me like I'm your friend? I'm a fucking Captain in the Survey Corps, and what are you? Hmm? A fucking child not even done with training. A stupid little kid. You haven't even started living yet. What gives you the fucking right to even think you're on equal terms with me? I'm on a completely different fucking level to you, in a completely different league; and you think you can come here and try to be sympathetic to me? That you can understand? How could you ever fucking understand? I've seen more shit – fuck, I've lived through more shit in my life than you could ever imagine in your entire lifetime. So take your sympathy and get the fuck out of my face, child."
Levi pushes Eren away forcefully and the taller boy stumbles back. Eren's expression is hidden by his hair as he looks down, and Levi is glad. He doesn't want to see the result of his words.
I'm sorry, Eren.
He looks away. He can't stay here. He turns to leave the roof and make the call to Erwin but is stopped with a hand to his wrist.
"Listen, kid, did you not hear anything I just said-"
"No, Levi, you listen."
Wait, what?
Levi feels like a startled deer. This isn't what was supposed to happen. Eren was supposed to just back down. Eren was supposed to hate him. Eren was not supposed to fight back.
He pulls frantically on Eren's grip. I need to get out of here.
Eren looks up and Levi stops struggling. That expression. That's the expression that started all of this. So much determination. Levi is once again struck with that same feeling he got all those years ago. He thought Eren the Child's resolve was moving but it is nothing compared to the fire in his eyes now.
"You listen, Levi," Eren repeats and tightens his grip fiercely on Levi's wrist. Levi doesn't even acknowledge the pain, he's frozen under Eren's stare.
Eren continues, keeping eye contact, "How about I back off? How dare I? How about you take a fucking seat and listen to what I have to say? I'm not buying this bipolar bullshit of how we actually had a good time yesterday – and how you actually opened up to me and trusted me with something that I thought was important to you; and now all of a sudden you're throwing some major bitch fit. And how dare you pull the rank card? After all those times where you told me off for being remotely formal and now you expect me to believe that you think rank matters? Don't make me laugh; I'm not that stupid. You think I'm not aware of the league you're running in compared to mine? I'm more aware than you! And you were the one who offered to train me! Or what? Was that a lie? 'Cause I don't believe that. I don't believe that the guy I've looked up to for years, years, is going to all of a sudden become some arrogant bastard who's going to jerk me around. And so what if you're older? So what if you've experienced different things than me? Everyone's had different experiences. So maybe I can't understand. But that doesn't mean I can't care! That doesn't mean that I must ignore that you are obviously suffering through something! Why can't I be sympathetic? Why can't I be here for you? Why are you trying to push me away? Do you think I don't see that that is what you're trying to do? What are you trying to protect me from, Levi? Levi, what are you trying to protect me from? Answer me!"
Levi doesn't answer. He simply resumes his efforts to get away.
"Levi!"
"Myself, okay?!"
Eren breathes in sharply, gaze flicking between Levi's eyes.
Are my cheeks wet?
"I'm trying to protect you from myself," he repeats. God, is my voice shaking?
Eren still doesn't say anything, he just loosens his grip on Levi's wrist slightly. Levi looks down and on impulse, shifts until he's gripping Eren's hand in his own. He doesn't look back up.
"I'm not good. Not for you, not for anyone. Everyone gets hurt because of me. Because I'm not good enough. I've always been bad. When I saw you go into that house all those years ago, I wanted it. I wanted it. I wanted the strength you had. I wanted the goodness. I didn't want to be bad anymore. That's why I became a firefighter. Because I thought that if I did that, then maybe I could be good too. But no, the world doesn't work like that. Just because you want to change doesn't mean you will. So I might save people from fires, but I end up killing those close to me in the process. Isabel, Farlan," Levi's voice nearly breaks, "I almost even fucking killed Hanji. I could kill you, Eren. I could kill you. Why won't you just let me be a dick? Why won't you hate me? I'm not good enough for you so why won't you let me at least protect you from myself?"
As Levi speaks the last words, he is suddenly made aware of how close Eren has moved to him while he was speaking – and how hard Levi is gripping his hand.
"Hey," Eren whispers after a moment and Levi reluctantly lifts his head. Eren's gaze is softer now, the fiery heat of his anger now settled into a comforting warmth. Levi blinks rapidly to try and get rid of the tears blurring his vision. How embarrassing, he thinks, twenty three and blubbering like a child. Who's really the kid here?
"You know," Eren murmurs and his smile is actually warmer than the expression in his eyes. Now that's hardly fair. "I am perfectly capable of running away from my own problems, thank you very much. And don't you think I should be the one deciding whether you're good enough for me or not? I think it's very unfair of you to be deciding all of this on your own. I thought that I showed you yesterday that you don't have to be alone, that we're in this together. Like a team, right?"
"Then you just decide on your own to be a firefighter? I thought we were in this together, Levi. There was no teamwork in this, just you acting on your own without thinking about me – or Isabel."
Levi swallows thickly. Is that what he's been doing all this time? Acting on his own? Is that what he's been doing wrong?
"You can trust me, Levi. Even if I am a kid, that doesn't stop me from being your friend, okay?"
If I trust you, if I start trusting others, does that mean I can start trusting myself?
Levi makes a gross hiccupping sound that makes him want to crawl into a hole and die, and Eren's smile gets wider. He reaches into his back pocket and brings out a tissue. He holds it out and Levi takes it with a huff, releasing Eren's hand to wipe at his face properly.
How disgusting.
When his face is clean to his satisfaction, he finds that Eren has turned away to face the sun that has by now risen quite a ways up.
"Thank you," Levi mutters, relieved that his voice is steadier.
Eren glances back and Levi notes that his cheeks are a little red, "Don't mention it."
Levi clears his throat and moves forward until he's standing next to Eren facing the sun. He folds his arms across his chest and straightens his shoulders in an attempt to regain some composure, "So, what brings you up here this early in the morning?"
Eren gives Levi a look. Levi stares stubbornly back. It's not that he doesn't trust Eren, it's just that right now he really doesn't feel like he's ready to talk about it. Eren's gaze examines his expression and Levi sets his jaw. After a few moments, Eren seems to come to a decision and looks away again.
"I couldn't sleep. I had a lot of shit on my mind. So eventually I just decided to come up here."
Levi remembers the conversation he overheard last night with that boy and girl – Armin and Mikasa – and wonders if maybe something happened. Maybe that Armin kid confronted Eren? He chooses not to ask though. If Eren lets him keep quiet then he'll return the favour.
"It's always been my favourite place to escape to," Eren continues as he glances at Levi from the corner of his eye. He smirks slightly, "I was innocently enjoying the sunrise until I heard some noise on the side of the building. So, naturally, I went to check it out and was ambushed by someone."
"How terrible," Levi says flatly, refusing to let his mouth twitch into a smile. "It sounds like you barely got away with your life."
Eren grins, "Nah, the guy was too short to be very threatening."
"Oh, really?" Levi says and punches Eren in the arm, making him yelp, "Don't judge on size if you can't even take a punch, you pipsqueak."
Eren laughs and makes an exaggerated wink, "But size matters, doesn't it?"
Levi snorts, "It's not the size that counts, it's how you use it."
"Glad you cleared that up for me," Eren laughs again and Levi decides he likes the sound of Eren's laugh very much.
Are we- are we flirting? Levi thinks as Eren sits down on the edge of the building.
"I thought I was the only one that made a habit of climbing the outside wall," Eren muses, swaying his legs slightly as he looks down.
But… that's okay, isn't it?
Levi sits next to Eren, "Nah, you're not that cool. You didn't think up such a fun way of getting around all on your own."
"Ha! Well, at least I got a cool nickname out of it! The Suicidal Squirrel! Much better than Humanity's Strongest," Eren grins and elbows Levi playfully.
"Don't be stupid. Humanity's Strongest isn't my only nickname. I had a much cooler one when I was a trainee."
"Really? What was it? The Really-Scary-Short-Dude-With-A-Billion-Abs?"
"You know it would be really easy to push you off the edge right now."
"I'd only take you with me."
"Someone's going to survive the fall and it's not going to be the fucking Squirrel-With-A-Bruised-Rib."
"Fine! Fine! So, then what was it?" Eren asks, lifting his hands in surrender but still smiling widely.
Levi pauses for dramatic effect, "The Black Crow. Cause when I climbed walls, I did it so quickly that it looked like something black was flying upwards."
Eren is silent for a moment, then he says flatly, "Lame."
Levi snorts, "It was a joke."
"It better have been. I was just about to feel sorry for you. The Really-Scary-Short-Dude-With-A-Billion-Abs would have actually been cooler."
"Well, I'm so sorry, not all of us could have been named after some rat with a bushy tail with death-seeking tendencies."
"A squirrel is not a rat."
"They have fur and they're dirty. They're fucking rats to me."
"You're just jealous because some species of squirrel are probably bigger than you."
"Seriously, I can and will push you off. People will believe me when I say you fell."
"Yeah, if I tripped over you."
"Okay, come here. I'm not pushing you, I'm fucking throwing you."
Two weeks pass and Eren's life settles into a comfortable routine. He normally dicks around until afternoon, bothering people not in training or sneaking into training to bother them there. When he gets bored or gets kicked out, he heads to the roof of the building. Levi joins him after escaping training himself and they spend time together until after sunset.
They haven't spoken more about what was originally bothering Levi. Eren doesn't want to push it. He's just relieved that Levi has stopped trying to push him away. He hasn't said anything about liking Levi yet either, much to Mikasa's irritation.
"Seriously, Eren, would you please just suck it up and confess to him?" she'd say each night at dinner.
"I'm waiting for the right time, okay?" Eren would always respond causing Mikasa to sigh loudly and Annie to snort.
The three of them still eat dinner together as usual. They don't mention Armin's absence. They pretend that they don't glance over to where he's sitting for that night. They don't comment on how much more animated he's become sitting with different groups of people.
They also don't mention how much more quiet Eren's become at dinner.
When not peeking at Armin, Eren often finds himself glancing over at Levi sitting at the instructor's table. Levi retains his resting bitch face even with the other adults which Eren finds quite impressive. But Eren notices that even Levi's expression softens ever so slightly when interacting with Hanji. It's hard for anyone to not like her eccentricity.
Sometimes, as Eren peeps over his shoulder at Levi; Levi's eyes will flick upwards to meet his gaze. Eren never manages to look away immediately, always keeping eye contact until either Levi's attention is called elsewhere or Annie tells him to stop looking like a lonely puppy.
Eren's relationship status has become the target of both females. And it is not pleasant.
One afternoon after lazing about in his room, Eren deems himself bored enough to head to the roof, despite it being earlier than he and Levi's usual meeting time. He runs up the stairs, and his rib doesn't protest too much. Maybe he should visit the infirmary and ask if he's ready for training yet.
He reaches the door leading to the roof and pauses gripping the handle. He fights to reduce his huge grin into a slightly more sane expression but he suspects that he hasn't succeeded. He takes a big breath before open the door with a shove.
"Hey, Levi! You-"
Wait, what?
"What. The. Actual. Fuck?"
A/N: This might be fun. What do you think caused Eren to react like that?