Yuki smiled. He inhaled deeply. His bed was comfortable and warm but he couldn't wait to leave it. Finally it was Saturday. He would be spending the whole day with Tohru. He swung his legs off the bed, ignoring the slight pain and the flaking of dry blistered skin as his feet made contact with the floor. He dressed quickly and hurried downstairs. She was there already. She was always there, even when he really tried to surprise her by being up first. She smiled from the stove, a small smudge of flour on her cheek. He went to her immediately and took her hand. It was the most natural thing. Their hands, both small and soft, seemed to fit together perfectly. He gave hers a small squeeze and began to set the table.
Later that day, as they wandered amongst the market stalls, Yuki couldn't help marvelling at Tohru. She was so bright, so beautiful. She chatted to the stallholders with a genuine, irresistible smile. She fed scraps of her sandwich to a stray cat she spotted lurking by the fishmongers. Yuki held her hand lightly, wishing both to protect her, but never to hold her back.
They browsed some shops in the early afternoon, and Yuki bought her deep purple hair ribbon. He carried their bags and parcels, despite his suspicion that after his time with Akito she was actually stronger than him.
It was a strange day, a lovely day. Tohru's bubble of light and warmth enveloped him, so that he found himself included, talking to strangers in a way he never imagined. He had always felt so separate from everyone else but that day with Tohru he felt connected.
As the evening drew in they wandered contentedly through the park. The warm glow of the fading sun shimmering through the autumn leaves of orange, brown and red brought forth the natural highlights in Tohru's hair. He gazed enraptured, and she blushed beautifully and humbly when she noticed.
When they sat down on an old, worn bench Yuki gently passed her the hair ribbon and a single rose, orange, to match her brightness. She seemed overwhelmed by this, and babbled for several minutes, saying Yuki shouldn't have bought anything for her. Yuki himself was feeling slightly nervous, but his nerves calmed when he took her hand, and all felt right. She too, fell silent.
Gently, quietly, feeling it was surely the most important thing he had ever done, Yuki leant forward, and kissed her.
There was a moment when she didn't respond and Yuki almost panicked, but then she was kissing him back. And it was bliss. There was such warmth. They were gentle, timid with each other. But both felt so safe, and so loved.
When they broke apart, Yuki found their foreheads resting together, but it seemed so natural to be so close, so intimate with Tohru, that this didn't faze him. He felt a grin creeping across his face and he couldn't have stopped it if he wanted to.
It was in that moment, on that bench, on that beautiful autumn evening, as the ducks splashed in the nearby pond and the children screamed and giggled somewhere in the distance, with the rose and the ribbon lying on their laps and their heads pressed together, breath mingling, that Yuki knew. He knew, more than anything else, that he loved Miss Tohru Honda. And that was the best feeling.
That night Yuki lay awake in bed for a long time. He thought of how their warm lips had melded together, of the softness of Tohru's mouth on his. He dwelled on the way her hand had drifted to his neck, so soft, so safe, yet so enticingly passionate. He thought the memory of that kiss could sustain him forever, yet already he wanted another. He would bring Tohru a hundred, a thousand, roses, for another second of that kiss.
And... he loved her. It was such a strange notion to Yuki that he couldn't quite believe it. She had helped him, healed him, enabled him to build a support in his mind to keep the darkness at bay. And now she brought such joy, such colour and light into his life... such love? The thought made him giddy. He smiled to himself. He loved Tohru... That was his truth, his reality, and he would carve his life around it. For her, he could be the brave stone. He could withstand the sea. For Tohru.
Two weeks later Yuki lay once more restless and wide awake in bed. This time however, for a very different reason. Tomorrow was Akito's birthday.
When he opened his eyes the following morning he lay still, a pool of dread growing in his stomach. Akito hadn't requested his presence but he know he ought to go, he should go... he had to go. The last time he had missed an important event hadn't turned out so well for him, he mused bitterly. He regretfully rose and slowly dressed.
Tohru was waiting for him on the landing. She didn't say anything, but she didn't need to; he could read her thoughts clearly on her face. She chewed her lip as she reached out to gently take his hand. He had told her it was Akito's birthday, and that he must go. She understood, but she didn't like it. Honestly he didn't either but he didn't want to worry her further.
After breakfast Yuki cleared up dutifully. Tohru and Kyo sat at the table, seemingly chatting absentmindedly, but Yuki saw how Tohru's eyes kept drifting back to him. He smiled at her and nodded goodbye, not wanting to interrupt, and turned away. He sat in the hall and pulled on his boots slowly. Shigure emerged from his office and approached, brow furrowed. He stopped by Yuki and sighed.
"You're going to Akito." It wasn't a question; Shigure knew, could tell by Yuki's drawn features, his shaking hands.
Yuki nodded. He pulled his second boot on.
"You know you don't have to- you don't have to go... you don't have to do this. He hasn't called for you."
Yuki stood and smiled grimly, a lump rising in his throat.
"Except, I do. You know I have to, and I know. I-I have to go." He swallowed. Pulled his jacket on.
Shigure nodded resignedly. Yuki shrugged, doing his best to appear strong and brave. To be the rock. He turned to the door.
"You know Yuki," Shigure's voice stopped him, "you're so quiet and so brave, I forget you're suffering."
It was so tender, and so gently said that Yuki faltered for a moment. He was genuinely touched. He couldn't turn back. He knew they would both be embarrassed, and feared if he did he'd turn and run back to Shigure, and never leave. He nodded once more, swallowed down the lump in his throat, and left.
As he walked he reflected, as he had previously done, that going of his own accord to Akito was so much harder than being taken. He'd rather be dragged there than voluntarily go. His instinct told him to stay away from danger and here he was walking into it. He fought with himself every step of the way. He wanted to stay with Tohru. He wanted to be safe, and even to be happy. It didn't seem like these were unreasonable dreams... but maybe they were for him.
It felt like an age later that he arrived at the main house. He took a deep breath, attempting to steady his nerves, and entered.
When he knocked on Akito's door there was a moment of silence before the melodic voice called for him to enter. Akito was reclining in an armchair, his arms draped lazily over the puckered leather. He smiled when he saw Yuki, and nodded. A small, excited-sounding giggle escaped him.
"Yuki my dear, what a pleasure." He inclined his head and Yuki did the same, bowing low.
"Master. Happy birthday," he managed.
Another laugh burst forth from Akito and he smiled wider.
"I was expecting you my love, but I must admit your visit still pleases me. And so early too! I have had neither the time nor the inclination to send my dogs to collect you... yet" He raised an eyebrow and his smile turned sickly sweet. Yuki fought to keep his face neutral.
"Nor yet have I turned my attention to my numerous gifts." His smile twisted and melted away bitterly as he indicated the small pile of gifts in the corner.
Yuki stared. He had completely overlooked the presents, his whole attention being directed at Akito.
"From my many admirers and well-wishers. Ha! Most of them family seniors seeking to earn my favour. Petty gifts won't earn them that. I don't want any of them. I only want... you."
His smile returned, beautiful and hideous all at once, as he returned his gaze to Yuki, tilting his head to the side. Yuki tried to think of Tohru, of their kiss, to draw strength from his memories. He managed to maintain his composure, just. Akito stared for a long time before finally moving. He rose fluidly from the chair and strode to the bed and Yuki saw how gaunt he was now.
"Come. Lie with me." Akito commanded softly, brushing the bed near where he lay with his bony hand.
Yuki obeyed. He had to. It's Sunday, he told himself. It's only one night. I have school tomorrow. I'll see Tohru tomorrow. I can survive one night.
He laid his body next to Akito's unsurely, careful not to touch him. Akito peeled his jacket off him and dropped it unceremoniously to the floor. Yuki inhaled deeply. It was fine. He could do it. For her. For-
But the instant Akito touched him with his long cold hands, all thoughts of Tohru withered and died. He couldn't have her here, not even in his imagination. It was so wrong, so unnatural. She could never be here. She didn't belong here. Akito shifted his body closer to Yuki's and dragged his hand along Yuki's arm, round his shoulders, up his neck. Yuki shuddered, he couldn't help it. Without the thought of Tohru, he was alone. And what was he without her? She validated him. Brought colour to his canvas. Without her he was a husk, a structure without support.
Akito whispered tenderly in his ear. Yuki struggled and fought to maintain control as Akito tenderly, enticingly, caressed his back, running his fingers down Yuki's spine.
What was he without Tohru? A small voice, hidden in the deep, dark recesses of his mind answered that he knew, that he had always known. Yuki ignored the voice. He wouldn't let it have any power. He couldn't.
But as time passed, painstakingly slowly, dragging her heels, one hour... two hours, the voice grew in strength, volume and conviction. As Akito's hands drifted over him, stroking, touching, and he murmured and whispered in Yuki's ear, Yuki became uncomfortably hot and clammy. He felt trapped. He felt sick.
He felt like he hated every touch. He felt like he loved every touch. And that realisation made him hate himself.
The voice was shouting now. And as Yuki lay there, unmoving, letting his God touch him however he desired, he knew he was not the brave rock. He had been deluded, of course.
And the voice bellowed now, screaming itself hoarse. And the small trapped boy in Yuki's mind curled up and sobbed, screaming to block the voice out. But the voice was within. And the adult Yuki lay still and did nothing.
And the voice roared, triumphant.
"YOU ARE VILE. UNLOVABLE. PATHETIC AND WEAK. A DISGUSTING ABOMINATION. A MONSTER. A FREAK!"
And Yuki teetered on the edge of a great sea of blackness, and the black waves lapped at his edges, wearing him away to nothing. He struggled weakly but he was so close, ever so close, to believing the voice.
One push would be all it took to send him spiralling into the hungry dark waters.
.
Hours later the two lay still, their bodies pressed closely together. Akito's ravenous hands had stilled a long time ago, but still he held Yuki tightly. Yuki's eyes were squeezed closed. His chest was tight and he was sweating from the proximity of their bodies, the fear, and the gentle touches.
A timid knock at the door broke the heavy silence. Akito rose, looking furious. He pushed roughly away from Yuki and went to the door himself. He wrenched it open to reveal a member of the house staff. The small man asked if Akito would like lunch brought to him, if he would be dining in the hall with his well-wishers, or if he did not require lunch. Akito snarled that he didn't want anything but a half glance back at Yuki's frozen, frail form on the bed made him change his mind, and he commanded that two lunches be brought to his room. The man bowed deeply, simpering, and Akito closed the door on him.
Akito went to the armchair and sank down. He didn't spare another glance for Yuki and seemed to get lost in his own musings. Yuki lay where had had been left, not daring to move for fear he would break Akito's revive and cause him to return. He felt pathetic. When faced with Akito all his bravery dissolved.
When their lunch arrived Akito finally moved. He stretched and collected the food. He took the two trays to Yuki, who sat up obediently. The food was elaborately prepared and plentiful; smoked fish and steamed vegetables, dumplings and spiced rice, bread and various toppings, and a rich jelly-like pudding Yuki had never seen. Akito ate very little but he seemed to derive great pleasure from feeding Yuki. He would spear pieces of fish and tenderly place them in Yuki's mouth, or lovingly spread a piece of bread with pickle and hand it to him. Yuki complied with everything Akito wanted. By the end of the meal he was full, and Akito seemed pleased.
Akito left in the afternoon. He had people to see, and people wanted to see him on his birthday.
"Stay," he commanded as he left, "I'll be back for you."
As soon as he was gone Yuki exhaled deeply. He ran his hands shakily through his hair. He felt weak. He went to the bathroom and splashed blissfully cool water on his face. He felt confused, conflicted. He felt dirty.
He wanted to talk about it, needed help, advice. His mind conjured up an image of Tohru. But... he didn't want to talk to her about this. He couldn't. Couldn't involve her in this. He couldn't tell anyone. They would know how weak he was... how disgusting. He nodded at himself in the mirror and a hundred Yuki's nodded back in the splintered, shattered mirror. They agreed with him. No-one could know.
When Akito returned much later Yuki was sitting on the bed, quiet and reserved. Akito changed into his favourite kimono, not caring in the slightest about undressing in front of Yuki. In fact Yuki noticed the smile which crawled across his face as he saw him watching. Akito went to him then, lounging on the bed and drawing the unresisting Yuki close to his chest.
"Don't worry my sweet, I told them I was finished for the day. We won't be interrupted."
Yuki nodded slightly, not quite understanding but feeling a sharp pang of fear nonetheless. Akito resumed his caressing of Yuki's body. Eventually, having elicited no response from the terrified boy, he leapt up in apparent frustration.
"Don't I deserve one good birthday present? Do I not deserve something good on my birthday?" He asked rhetorically Yuki knew, but he nodded anyway.
"You know how old I am today Yuki?" Akito enquired. Yuki nodded, cleared his throat.
"T-twenty-one, master."
"Of course you know, very good my sweet. After all that lovely, delightful time we spent together as children how could you not? But do you not think I deserve something special on my twenty-first, hmm?" Yuki nodded fervently, not trusting himself to speak.
"The God of the Zodiac has turned twenty-one today. Quite an achievement really, hmm?" Akito seemed to be talking to himself now. "A special birthday..."
He strode to the pile of presents. "And this is what I get!" He began tearing at the wrapping paper on several of the presents. "A watch! A tie! A- what's this?" he laughed deliriously. "It's a tapestry! Of all the zodiac members! Look at that my love. There you are, my little rat. What rubbish! I'll burn that." His laughed died suddenly. "I should burn them all. But I don't think I have the power anymore..." He kicked half-heartedly at the presents and turned away, letting the tapestry drop from his fingers.
"A special birthday..." he seemed sad. Yuki gazed on in wonder, confusion, and fear. Suddenly the smile was back, just beginning to turn up the corners of his mouth. He stared wide-eyed at Yuki. "And you, what have you got for me my love?" It was a loaded question, and it hung in the air above them. Yuki's breathing hitched. He had nothing. He had never got Akito a present, he hadn't thought to. Of course when he was a child it wasn't really an option. He was Akito's charge, his constant companion. Now however, he supposed it was different. He struggled. He didn't know what to say.
"Come now my dear, you must have something special for me somewhere!" Akito plucked Yuki's jacket off the floor and rummaged through the pockets like a man possessed. "Ha! A bus ticket, very nice!" He exclaimed. "Mmm...must have something special for me.." he dove into the other pocket and when Yuki saw his heart thundered dangerously. Akito drew forth a long blue hair ribbon. One of Tohru's. The one in fact, she had removed to put on the new purple one, on the happiest day of Yuki's life. Yuki could only gaze on in abject horror as Akito wound the ribbon around his fingers.
Akito tilted his head back, mouth wide and gaping. It looked as though he should be laughing hysterically, but no sound came out. It was terrifying. Yuki shrank back, his instinct taking over. Akito lowered his head to gaze at Yuki. He smiled dangerously and his eyes gleamed. His chest rose and fell heavily and he seemed determined. As he took a step towards Yuki, still winding the ribbon around his fingers, Yuki felt the rat in his mind surface, ready to take over in response to the fear he felt. He managed to subdue it, but only just. He pressed himself against the wall, as far away from Akito as possible without running.
"It is a special birthday for me Yuki. And I deserve a special present from you. And I will take... what I deserve." He spoke deliberately, and stalked ever closer, a predator closing in.
When he reached the bed he beckoned with one finger for Yuki to come over. Yuki didn't move, he couldn't.
"Yuki..." Akito cooed. But Yuki couldn't move. He wouldn't go voluntarily to his doom. It was too much.
Akito sighed and grimaced. Suddenly he pounced, with surprising speed and force. He grabbed Yuki by the hair and with a cruel smile dragged him off the bed. Yuki tumbled painfully to the floor at Akito's feet, utterly helpless. Akito took a deep breath and smiled. He looked satisfied.
After a long moment of silence in which the only movement was the uncontrollable quaking of Yuki's body, Akito slowly untied his kimono. Gently, gracefully, he slipped it off his shoulders. He stood above Yuki in only his underwear. Yuki couldn't breathe. He took great shuddering gasps which caused his throat to burn.
This couldn't be happening. This was another nightmare. Any minute now he would wake up... any second. He didn't, of course.
Akito eased his body closer so he was standing directly over Yuki. Yuki swallowed painfully.
"Master, please..." he tried pleading, his fear evident from his tone. He had to try. "Please... don't."
It came out sounding desperate and weak, and Yuki hated himself for it. But he had to try. Akito shook his head, smiling benevolently like a kindly old uncle.
Yuki forced himself as far down to the floor and back against the bed as he could. He curled in upon himself instinctively, as he has many hundreds of times throughout his life.
"Get up." Akito commanded. Yuki didn't move. "Get up" the voice repeated, a sharp undercurrent to the words now. Yuki raised his head. Then his body. Until he was sitting by Akito.
"Very good, pet" the voice purred from above. The hand in Yuki's line of vision still twisted the ribbon violently.
"Now, take them off." Yuki could almost hear the smile in the voice now. Akito fingered the waistband of his underwear, making his meaning painfully obvious. Yuki didn't move. Akito may have led him bound to the executioner's block but he wouldn't voluntarily lay his head down. Not so long as he had free will. He'd rather Akito beat him senseless then give up this last ounce of defiance. "Yuki?" Akito prompted. Still Yuki didn't move.
"If you do not, the owner of this sweet, sweet ribbon... will."
Akito had him. Yuki watched nauseously as Akito swung the ribbon before his face, slowly, like a pendulum. Yuki felt the gun against his spine and knew he had no choice but to bend to the block. It seemed the executioner had won. He had found his captive's weakness.
There was nothing left to decide, no other option for Yuki. Ignoring the pounding in his ears and the fear bubbling in his stomach, Yuki reached out and slowly pulled Akito's boxers down his long pale legs. When they fell to the floor Akito carefully stepped free of them, leaving them crumpled where they had fallen. Yuki gazed at them, stared at them. He saw the way the material creased and folded, the way it was smooth in some places and bunched in others. He stared so hard at those boxers, memorising every millimetre, because he didn't want to see what was right in front of him.
Finally, after a long moment, Akito cleared his throat. "Yuki." That was all he said but it meant so much to Yuki. It meant he had to look, had to act. It recalled him to his immediate situation. It meant this was reality and it wasn't some novel or film, or even a nightmare. This was his reality, and it was happening right now. And he couldn't escape it.
He raised his head. Immediately he saw Akito's already semi-erect penis. It hung like a flashing danger sign and his instinct told him to run, to run far away and never return. It scared him. It intrigued him. He saw the ample growth of black hair crowning it and the blue veins which stood proud.
This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening...
It was happening.
"It is a very special birthday for me Yuki. And I want a very special present." Akito's voice was practically thrumming with pleasure and excitement. "It is your duty to please me; you are the rat and I am your God. So... please me."
"Please Akito..." One last, desperate, barely hopeful, fruitless attempt. But he had to try.
Akito merely swung the ribbon hypnotically before Yuki's face, but Yuki understood what it meant. He understood all too well.
So he bowed his head and took the warm penis in his mouth. He reached up with one hand and began stroking Akito's balls, barely knowing what he was doing. With every second he hated himself. With every dip, and thrust, and lick, and gentle stoke he felt scared and sick, and weak.
Above him Akito was humming and sometimes moaning. Occasionally his body rocked. Yuki barely noticed. He focused all his attention on the ribbon held tightly in Akito's fist. He focused on that, and he tried not to think, not to feel. He didn't want to touch, see, hear, smell, taste.
He didn't want to feel a thing...He felt it all.
Finally, with a great thrust and heavy panting, Akito came in Yuki's mouth. Hot and thick and bitter. Yuki gagged and spluttered. A hand grasped his head, tugging his hair, and held him still.
"Swallow," came the strained whisper from above. And Yuki did. He forced the thick substance down his throat, almost retching. He hated himself. He was so weak.
Akito staggered backwards, pulling Yuki's hair painfully before he released his head. His eyes were closed and his chest heaved violently. He supported himself on the cabinet, leaving Yuki to crumple to the ground. Akito's essence dribbled down his chin. Yuki panted. His skin crawled. He felt so... unclean.
Akito walked on shaky legs to the armchair and sat down. Yuki saw him recline his head back and smile.
"Thank you Yuki. That was a very special present."
And Yuki curled into a ball on the floor. His shirt stuck to him. He was sweating and shaking. More than anything, he felt shame.
And the voice whispered to him now. It whispered because it no longer needed to shout. Truthfully, it barely needed to whisper at all.
"You are vile. Unlovable. Pathetic and weak. A disgusting abomination. A monster. A freak..."
And Yuki believed it.
.
Later, Akito approached him. Yuki hadn't moved. Vaguely he noticed that Akito had donned his kimono once more. Akito knelt next to him and something in Yuki tensed in anticipation. Akito merely stroked his hair however, carefully brushing it from his face. Eventually he laid a light kiss on Yuki's cheek and stood.
"I am tired Yuki. You may leave now." And he left, drifting lightly to the bathroom and closing the door behind him. Yuki lay for some time, processing, struggling to understand.
At length he staggered to his feet. He wiped his chin and neck on his sleeve with immense shame. He collected his jacket from the floor and headed, disorientated, for the door. He glanced shakily back at the bathroom as he left, then didn't look back again. He grabbed his shoes from the porch and ran from the main estate. He ran and ran until he was panting and had a searing stitch. Then he ran some more. He reached the woods and continued running. He stumbled and fell on a tree root, got back up, and kept on running. His head swam. He didn't stop. He didn't look back. He hadn't decided to go anywhere but found he was unsurprised when he finally collapsed to the ground mere feet away from his garden.
His safe place. His secret base. How menial and childish such ideas seemed now. Nothing was safe. Nothing was sacred and nothing was innocent. He lay panting, face down on the damp grass until darkness fell. Then, with great effort he succeeded in sitting up. He glanced around. He could make out the outline of his beloved plants through the gloom. They were shrinking and dying. The approaching winter would claim them. Perhaps the approaching winter would claim him too, he thought bitterly.
Yuki didn't return to Shigure's that night. He couldn't think clearly. He didn't know what to say, how to act. Most of all he couldn't face Tohru. That would be too much. He lay in the darkness beside his garden, unsleeping, unmoving, lost in thought.
He knew what he was.
I am vile. Unlovable. Pathetic and weak. A disgusting abomination. A monster. A freak...
But, more than that. Now something was missing from him. Some part of him had been destroyed by the events of that day. He couldn't understand it, and couldn't put his finger on it. He could hardly bare to think about it. But it was gone all the same. He felt its absence as keenly as one would a lost limb.
He wanted to cry, to scream. He wanted comfort and reassurance, but he also wanted to rage and scream at the world. He wanted to lie in a beautiful valley of flowers and never know misery or pain. He also wanted to throw himself off a mountain and crash into the icy waters below, just to feel alive.
He did none of these things. He did nothing. He simply lay there, beneath the great expanse of sky, lost.
.
As the morning light grew brighter and brighter, Yuki dragged himself to his feet and trudged to the house. He didn't remember deciding to go, he only became aware that he was, and then continued. It seemed to take him a long time to walk the short distance. Finally he arrived and stumbled up the steps. For some reason he got the strongest urge to knock on the door rather than simply entering. Some part of him felt he no longer belonged here. But where then did he belong?
He entered and Shigure's worried face swam before him almost instantly. He said much, but Yuki understood little. Tohru and Kyo had just left for school. Shigure hadn't known when Yuki would return. Was he alright? Did he want to miss school today?
Yuki's vision swam as he attempted to construct an answer. He tried to tell Shigure he wanted to go to school, that he just needed a shower first. He must have managed because Shigure helped him stagger to the bathroom, nodded, then left, looking slightly concerned.
Yuki turned the shower on and stepped in, only realising several minutes later that he was still dressed. With a confused frown, he stripped his sodden clothes from him and dropped them to the floor. Then he sank down, letting the hot water wash over him, cleansing him. He lathered his hair with something that could have been either shampoo or shower gel until he got soap in his eyes, then he rinsed quickly and gave up.
The water felt so good. He just needed to get clean. When he was clean he would be able to go to school. He'd catch up with Tohru and Kyo easily. He just needed to be clean...
Shigure found him forty minutes later, lying on the shower floor, as the now-cold water beat down upon him. He immediately turned off the water then wrapped the shivering Yuki in a thick towel. Yuki barely seemed to register he was there. He was muttering about dirt, or dirty, Shigure couldn't make sense of it. After wrapping another towel round Yuki's head as best as he could, he hurried to phone Hatori.
When Hatori arrived Yuki was more aware. He apologised to Shigure and Hatori and they accepted humbly. They repeated this acceptance every time Yuki apologised, which was frequently. Hatori said Yuki's asthma was returning. He said the cold shower would have done Yuki no favours, but there was no anger in his voice, only sadness. He helped Yuki dress and get into bed as Shigure phoned the school to tell then Yuki wouldn't be in. By the time he returned, Yuki was fully conscious. He was embarrassed he had had to be dressed, and ashamed of the state they had found him in.
A small voice in his mind agreed. Sure if he was going to fall apart that was fabulous, but to inconvenience Shigure and Hatori was unforgiveable. He agreed with the voice.
You are vile. Unlovable. Pathetic and weak. A disgusting abomination. A monster. A freak...
He nodded in response to his internal conversation, and Shigure and Hatori exchanged worried looks.
By the time Tohru and Kyo returned from school Yuki was restless and desperate to get out of bed. He knew he had wasted enough of everyone's time with his ridiculous antics. He didn't deserve their time or attention.
Tohru went straight to his room when she returned. Her face was drawn with worry. He was prepared for her, had expected her.
He saw now what he had not seen before. He had believed he could share in her bubble of light. His time with Akito had helped him see; he could not share her light, he could only taint it with his own darkness. It was so clear to him now. He was wretched and disgusting, and could only ever infect and destroy. He truly had been deluded when he believed he could be happy with Tohru. How could he ever be happy knowing he was dimming her light?
She entered his room and he smiled. It was practiced, and perfect. His mask was flawless. She was faultless in this whole situation. She deserved his utmost respect and would receive it. How could she have known how vile he really was? She smiled in return, looking relieved, and approached the bed. They talked, politely, and reservedly. He did not mention his time with Akito. Unconsciously, under the covers, he scratched at his wrist.
.
As the days passed, Tohru got slightly more of her Yuki back, though never quite the whole. He was polite, kind, friendly and lovely still, but there was something wrong. Although he went through the motions of life, Yuki seemed strangely detached now. He returned to school, spoke to Kyo, Haru and Momiji. He completed his chores around the house.
Often she found him in the garden. He would drift there at all hours of the day or night now. Sometimes he would be gone when they awoke and she would find him sitting there, as still and cold as marble.
It seemed to her that they were spending less time together. Definitely he took her hand less now, which worried and saddened her. He smiled at her, as always, but when he thought no-one was looking there was no smile, only an oddly blank gaze.
She wanted to help him but she didn't know how. She went to him in the garden and asked if he wanted to talk, but he never did. She tried to spend time with him doing the chores, as they had always enjoyed, but though he did everything required there was no longer any spark.
Most worryingly, as the weeks passed he still refused to discuss what had happened on Akito's birthday. He would clam up if it was mentioned, would retreat to somewhere safe in his mind. Talking about his other experiences was what had helped him, was what had brought him back. This time, he wasn't talking. If he wasn't talking, Tohru didn't know how she could help him.
The fact that he couldn't talk meant this was something different, something more than he could handle. She had learnt a lot about Yuki in the last few months. She truly cared about him. He told her once that she had saved him... And now she could only watch helplessly as this secret, this burden, broke apart the boy she loved from the inside.
If he didn't talk, if he bottled it all up inside... it would destroy him. If he turned the burden he was carrying inwards on himself... there would be nothing left to save. He would be lost to her... To everyone.
So I don't own Fruits Basket. Also the "...you're so quiet and so brave, I forget you're suffering."-I'm sure I read that somewhere, I think it was in a novel but I'm not sure which just now. Anyway, not my words!
And I'm really sorry it took so long for me to upload this chapter, I've been busy (excuses, sorry!) Also I'm sorry it's so long, oops.
And I'm not sure when their birthdays are or exactly how old they are so I hope you don't mind me improvising for this story.
This is something a bit different, so I hope it's alright..? :/
Anyway thanks for reading!